normal or N.?

[write]

my h is responding to our impending separation really badly, crying, getting angry, changing the arrangements, predicting lots of dire outcomes, blaming me...alternated with bouts of reasonable behaviour when he says he'll comply with whatever I need.

Is this a usual grief reaction or narcissistic manipulation?
How can I tell?

[Rojo]

Hi, Write

Well, it's hard to be 100% sure but his reaction sounds pretty normal to me given the circumstances.  If he were trying to manipulate you, or was getting some sort of sick kick out of blaming you, then you'd know for sure.  If he has a history of Nism, then I'd say be very much on your guard at this vulnerable time.  From what you've written though, it just sounds like he's having a hard time accepting a life-changing situation right now and may be needing a bit more time to adjust to the reality of it.

Only you can truly make the assessment.  Wish I had more to give you but that's all I can come up with.  Hang in there, Write.

God bless,

Rojo

[Anonymous]

Thanks.
This is much harder than I thought it would be.

The reason I am questionning is I feel very sorry for him, but then I know he will use anything to manipulate me, from experience.

He is trying to persuade me it is better for us to stay together for another year 'for practical reasons'.
I can't do it, but he won't let it drop and is throwing every obstacle he can in my way.

[write]

thanks.

I have never felt so simultaneously strong and overwhelmed!

All day today I've been sick, nausea, headache, eventually had to put myself to bed.

Reassures me I am making the right decision to push the move forward, we're looking at apartments now.

I can't live like this.

Of course, n is just beside himself and trying to make things about him- he's always been terrible when I am sick ( which has been rarely ) but to have me say to him stress is making me sick, stop acting out with me...he is struggling with that one.


He might be trying desperately, in any way that he knows how, to get you to respond the way he wants OR he may be desperately trying to keep his head above the water, as this situation threatens to overwhelm him.

I know jacmac, and I am sorry it came to this, I'd have done anything for him to get help before, have tried to be kind, to reason, to get angry- everything. But until it came to the reality of the end of the relationship he wouldn't even face facts.

Somewhere deep down too I know that if I were to acquiesce today- to stay, to try again, to 'forget all this nonsense'- he would stop this behaviour like a switch. Probably give up therapy too.

Also I cannot accept that lack of adult in him which won't put parenting as number one priority, that disgusts me.