Successful Relationships

[Leah]

If you are pursuing a difficult relationship in the face of obvious warning signs, are you continuing your pursuit because you feel unworthy of better?

If relationships appear to be one frustrating psychodrama after another, make sure you are pursuing activities which you can control and which make you feel good, independent and strong. This could be sports, your career, painting, acting, whatever.  The stronger you are, the more you can bring to an open and honest relationship. The more you can make yourself feel good about yourself  by your activities, the more confidant you are to make others feel good about themselves.

Finally, it is important, even  fun, to delve into your own behavior and honestly address your own issues. In understanding yourself, you can be more open and helpful to others. A person who is honest about themselves is far more likely to engender honesty in others than somebody  projecting a complete fabrication.

Just posted the entire article on the "What Helps" board (and the web link).

.... If you are pursuing a difficult relationship in the face of obvious warning signs, are you continuing your pursuit because you feel unworthy of better?

In all honesty, back when I was 17 years old, having been brain washed by my mother, into feeling a total unworthy person only fit for a life of "martyrdom and pain" ........ I accepted my first boyfriend, despite some little niggles (now big realizations!) because I felt unworthy of anything at all.

.... Finally, it is important, even  fun, to delve into your own behavior and honestly address your own issues. In understanding yourself, you can be more open and helpful to others. A person who is honest about themselves is far more likely to engender honesty in others than somebody  projecting a complete fabrication.

Cannot say with all honestly that it has been "fun" !!  However, I am thankful that I have been able to invest my time and resources, these last 3 years, into finding ME, at last.

Understand my past;  my Childhood and my Womanhood  (marriage and FOO life experiences).

Understand my future now;  I am looking forward to enjoying the rest of my life, with real hope.

My hearts desire is the same for every woman, here and everywhere.

Love to all.

Leah xx


PS ... would add that I am committed to 'Life Long Learning' both on a very personal basis and otherwise ..... sure of more insight and info!!

[quietkate12001]

I understand where you are coming from, having a relationship with a boyfriend because you felt you would never have another opportunity.

When I was a teenager my mother used to demand to know if I was a virgin or not.  When I would not answer she would say, "I know you're a virgin.  No man would ever want you."

Once she figured out that I was sexually active, she would wait until my sister was in the room and say to my sister, "Any woman can sleep with a man if she stoops low enough."

I have always loved sex.  I guess because that was the one area of my life that my mother had no control over.

One of the hardest things I ever did was break up with my first boyfriend.  He was a good person, but we were not soul mates.  Still, I wondered if I would ever again find a man who wanted a relationship with me.

[axa]

Never having had a successful relationship I wondered about reading this thread but of course it is interesting.

I know I stayed in relationships because I thought nobody else would want me.  had to figure out that I needed to want me before I have any chance of a successful relationship.

axa

[WRITE]

Never having had a successful relationship I wondered about reading this thread

I opened up a book called 'Necessary Losses' last week and the chapter was about relationships and letting go the idea that any of them can be idealised or perfect over time.

I am startign to see them as almost cyclical, moving towards and away from others and them from me.
I feel I have to do this a bit more too because of the bipolar- I'm too intense at times, people can't cope with me.

[Leah]

Don't think that there will be a perfect relationship, at any time, because no human being is perfect, however, one can hope for a successful relationship built on honesty.

That's my hearts desire, plain old honesty.

Living in hope, Leah xx

[spyralle]

Funny...  I started a post about relationships yesterday then deleted it all by mistake so I'm glad this one is here.  I also got into relationships and stayed in them cos I thought no one else would want me.  I have put up with men treating my badly for years just because I was not really a person unless I had someone there for others to judge me by.  I went out with this guy once who looked like Patrick Swayze...  he treated me very badly but I would not finish with him because I felt that people would like me better of think I was a better person becuase my boyfriend was good looking.  How messed up is that!!!!!  He would kick me and walk off singing or whistling... My poor daughter...  I am so ashamed when I think about him and the other awful relationships I have been in..  My therapist once said to me...  What the hell does he have to do before you leave him...  Would he have to kill you???

Kinda makes me think now...  Any nice quiet people who have treated me well I have ended up finishing with..  My therapist said it was like the Groucho Marx saying...  Why would I want to be in a club that wanted me as it's member..  I understand that now..  I still mess up all the time but I am learning... and I hold on to that... sorry If I am waffling and have lost the thread... just had to get that off my chest

Spyralle x

[Lupita]

A successful relationship I think, depends on the affinity. Affinity is if they like about the same things. If they do not, one has to sacrifice. But if they like the same things, (70%) or recreational activities and routines, they will be happy. Example, routine, open windows, a person likes to fresh air coming from outside, the other closes windows, thinks the person wants more privacy. Or temperature, one turns on the AC the other is freezing. Or the beach, one loves to take sun, the other hates sand and wants to be a inside. Or going to the movies, one hates romance the other hates action. Etc. Cant live together. Will be like cats and mouses. Because a person can be considerate until certain point, after a certain point they get tired and realize that they are not compatible.

[axa]

Spyralle,

Could so understand what you are talking about.  The only thing XN did not do to me was physically beat me.  I wondered at times if that was what I was waiting for and then I realise that somehow I would justify that too.  I wonder who was the sick one.

axa

[Hopalong]

Lupita,
When I was much younger I dismissed that thought...how much shared activities and interests could mean. (It wasn't as roMANtic as being "swept away"!)

Now I truly do see that simple sharing as what would lead to the fruit of a sweet old age.

I hope I will be so lucky.

Hops

[Lupita]

When I married, 30 years ago, I thought I could do anything for the "mand of my dreams". After several years I felt totally depressed. he hated the sand, he hated the sun, he hated walking. I loved the beach, I missed the beach like crazy, I liked to run and walk, he accompanied me going in the car a couple of times, I missed the sun. I loved hot weather, he took me to live in a very cold town. I was extremely depressed. He hated comic movies, I missed so much to go to themovies ot laugh.
It was a torture after the honey moon.
Compatibility, affinity, same interests, are indispensable for a good relationship.

[Leah]

A relationship begins with knowing someone, and the state of what you know controls the other dynamics. Your knowledge of someone grows with mutual self-disclosure and diverse experiences together, shared together over time. It's important to see the way your partner functions in a variety of settings—with friends, with family, with bosses and coworkers, with strangers, with children.

There are five crucial areas to deeply explore and come to know during the dating process:

1.  Family background and childhood dynamics

2.  Attitudes and actions of the conscience and maturity

3.  The scope of your compatibility potential

4.  The examples of other relationship patterns

5.  Strength of relationship skills.


These are the areas that best predict what a person will be like as a spouse and parent. Using this approach, Van Epp insists, you can follow your heart without losing your mind.


Coincidently, just found the above in an article "Love Isn't Blind" on http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=pto-3784.html

[Brigid]

Hi Hops,

When I was much younger I dismissed that thought...how much shared activities and interests could mean. (It wasn't as roMANtic as being "swept away"!)

Now I truly do see that simple sharing as what would lead to the fruit of a sweet old age.

I went through the same thing in 2 failed marriages.  I gave up things I loved doing because he didn't want to, and forced myself to participate in things I didn't enjoy so we could be together.  Raising children creates a common activity which can replace other things you like to do and you actually think you have something in common with that person.  Sadly, once the children are gone, you realize that you really don't have anything to share with one another and the marriage is empty unless you actively decide to create new opportunities for common interests to enjoy together.  When I was seeing my T, he told me that the majority of marriage counseling he did was with couples who had become empty nesters and had not nurtured their relationship while raising the children.

In my relationship with my b/f, we started as basically empty nesters, so we had to have common interests, or a willingness to find some, or give up on the relationship.  I have been able to reestablish my interest in activities which went by the wayside years ago, plus gain new interests (a Harley comes to mind) which I certainly never imagined would be a part of my life.  Likewise, he has become interested in things which are important to me.  We still maintain separate interests as well, to keep things balanced, but we understand the importance of nurturing our relationship in order to keep it interesting, fun and exciting.

If I was still married to my ex, I cannot imagine how we would be passing the time now that the kids are out of the house.  I'm sure it would be in two different directions, which is not the way you want to spend the later years of your life.  I see it too often in relationships around me, and it is a sad and lonely existence.  As difficult as his leaving was in the beginning, it has turned out to be a real blessing for me and an opportunity to have a life with someone with whom I share true love.

All the best,

Brigid

[Hopalong]

An old pal of mine from high school with whom I've been working on a project came to my workplace with his wife yesterday. They're going to be my cheerleaders as I start online dating again. They met online and are very happy. And they drove away on a hog!

 

Hops

[Brigid]

Hops,

They're going to be my cheerleaders as I start online dating again. They met online and are very happy. And they drove away on a hog!

I'm glad to hear that you're going to put yourself out there.  I guess you have once again found the energy and desire to seek a partner.  The whole online dating process can be somewhat frustrating, but if you enter it with the idea of just having some fun, meeting a variety of men, having some new coffee/drink/dinner, whatever, companions, and not be desperate to find "the one," it can be interesting.  I met some jerks along the way, but never had a bad or scary experience, and mostly they were just nice guys with whom I did not connect until I met my b/f.

I wish you well.

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Brigid...
Well I talk a good game, but it'll likely be months before I get up the energy.

Will think of you for inspiration!

hugs,
Hops