Been thinking about this all afternoon and paying attention to ex just now.
He does 'countering' all the time, turns everything back to my behaviour.
It all feels like a sinister game but on one level he really doesn't know the effect it has on others.
After the past few days he asked me today why I am looking so stressed and offered to pay my huge latest car repair bill!
I started collecting some more concise reading references, so I can turn it into concepts and language my son can deal with.
WHAT IS VERBAL ABUSE?
Can you identify with the following:
Name calling
The game of one upmanship
Feeling defeated
Being put down
Always being topped
Countering . . . but you did . . .
Being manipulated
Being criticized
Hard selling - having your spouse try and convince you that you are wrong
Being intimidated
Crazy-making---having your spouse make you feel crazy, you’re the one with the problem
Feeling hostile aggression from your spouse
Having your feelings invalidated
Observing your spouse misuse power
Having your perspective undermined and discounted
The partner of a Verbal Abuser may experience:
A distrust of her spontaneity
A loss of enthusiasm
A prepared, on-guard state
An uncertainty about how she is coming across
A concern that something is wrong with her
An inclination to soul searching and reviewing incidents with the hope of determining what went wrong
A loss of self-confidence
A growing self-doubt
An internalized "critical voice"
A concern that she isn’t happier and ought to be
An anxiety or fear of being crazy
A sense that time is passing and she is missing something
A desire not to be the way she is - "too sensitive", etc.
A hesitancy to accept her perceptions
A desire to escape or run away
A belief that what she does best may be what she does worst
A tendency to live in the future - "Everything will be great when/after", etc.
A distrust of future relationships
CATEGORIES OF VERBAL ABUSE
Withholding: Relationships require intimacy, which requires empathy. Intimacy cannot be created if one partner is unable to support his partner empathically. The abuser refuses to listen, denies her experiences and refuses to share himself . This violates the primary agreement of a relationship -- he is withholding.
Countering: This is the dominant response of some verbal abusers. He sees his partner as the adversary. If she sees things differently, he may lose control. He may then choose to argue against her thoughts. It prevents all possibility of discussion -- it denies the victim reality and prevents her from knowing what he thinks.
Discounting: This denies the reality and experiences of the partner and is extremely destructive.
Verbal Abuse Disguised As Jokes: Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the feminine nature of the partner, to her intellectual abilities, or to her competency. Brainwashing effects cannot be overemphasized.
Blocking & Diverting: The abuser controls interpersonal communication. He refuses to communicate. He establishes what can be discussed and withholds information. The primary purpose is to prevent discussion and to end communication.
Accusing and Blaming: The abuser accuses his partner of wrong doing. There is a breach in the basic agreement of the relationship.He blames his partner for his rage, anger and insecurity.
Judging and Criticizing: The abuser expresses judgement in a critical way and expresses a lack of acceptance for his partner. The abuser uses a judgmental tone and makes comments which negate his partner's feeling.
Trivializing: What the partner has done or expressed is insignificant. The abuser may feel "one up" when putting the partner down. The partner is kept on an emotional roller coaster.
Undermining: The abuser withholds emotional support, erodes confidence and determination. Sabotaging is also a way of undermining.
Threatening: This manipulates the partner by bringing up the partner's greatest fears. The threat of loss or pain is often used.
Name Calling: All name calling is abusive.
Forgetting: This involves both denial and covert manipulation. The abuser may forget the promises which are most important to his partner.
Ordering: This denies the equality and autonomy of the partner.
Denial: Is one of the most insidious categories. It denies the reality of the partner.
Abusive Anger: This arises out of his general sense of personal powerlessness. When the abuser vents anger on the partner he releases the underlying tension that is felt from his sense of personal powerlessness. The partner feels bad and the abuser feels good.
FEELINGS OF A VERBALLY
ABUSED PERSON
(Primary Feelings in the Partner’s Experiences)
RESPONSIBILITY and INADEQUACY
DETERMINATION and FRUSTRATION
AFFECTION and REJECTION
HOPE and DISAPPOINTMENT
HAPPINESS and SADNESS
SECURITY and FEAR
SERENITY and SURPRISE/SHOCK
CONFUSION:
1. The feeling of RESPONSIBILITY makes a person more aware of their ability to achieve a level of personal power and independence. At this level or state, the "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of INADEQUACY makes a person aware of their inability to achieve such personal power. At this level, the "spirit" is diminished.
2. The feeling of DETERMINATION helps a person attempt to reach their desired level of personal power. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of FRUSTRATION arises when a person feels as though they’ve been kept from achieving that goal. The "spirit" is diminished.
3. The feeling of AFFECTION causes a person to share their personal power with others. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of REJECTION arises when a person feels as though they’ve been refused. At this level, the "spirit" is again diminished.
4. The feeling of HOPE occurs when a person sees that it’s possible to achieve the state of personal power. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of DISAPPOINTMENT comes when the desired state has not been realized. The "spirit" is diminished.
5. The feeling of HAPPINESS comes when a person recognizes that their desired level is attainable. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of SADNESS occurs when achieving that desired level is lost. The "spirit" is diminished.
6. The feeling of SECURITY helps to insure a person that nothing will keep them from achieving their goal. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of FEAR arises when the desired level is threatened. The "spirit" is endangered.
7. The feeling of SERENITY enables a person to visualize themselves in their desired state. The "spirit" is nourished. The feeling of SHOCK arises when the desired state has been lost. The "spirit" is diminished.
8. The feeling of CONFUSION arises when a person is unclear of how to resolve an inner conflict.
PATTERNS WHICH INDICATE
VERBAL ABUSE
When interactions which upset, hurt or confuse the partner:
rarely occur in public
are unexpected
occur when she is feeling happy, enthusiastic, or successful
seem to become familiar
often communicate disdain for her interests, and
the abuser does not seem to seek reconciliation or even be bothered by the incident.
Between the actions which upset, hurt or confuse the partner, the relationship seems to be functional.
In some way the partner feels isolated.
The abuser defines the partner, the relationship and most often, the upsetting interactions.
The partner does not repeat to the abuser what she hears him say to her.
RESPONSES TO VERBAL ABUSE
Say firmly & decisively:
"I am feeling very bored with your company."
"Stop!"
"Hold it!"
"Cut it out!"
Walk away. Go to another room, go shopping, do something with the children. Stay away as long as you want. Do not explain yourself to him.
"I’m wondering. Now that you have said that (put me down) (interrupted me) (laughed at me), do you feel more important? I’d like you to think about this."
"I don’t want to talk about it."
"I’ll get back to you later."
"Stop accusing and blaming me."
"Don’t let me ever hear you say that again!"
"Remember who you’re talking to."
"Don’t talk to me like that!"
"I think you know better than that!"
"Do you hear yourself?"
"Stop judging me!"
"Cut out the criticism!"
"Enough of that."
"I don’t accept that."
"Please keep your comments to yourself."
"This is not your concern!"
"I certainly don’t feel supported when I hear that kind of talk."
"I’ve heard all I want to hear from you."
"I don’t like your attitude!"
"I’m definitely not having any fun with you."
"Don’t ever call me names!"
"I don’t want to hear name calling anymore!"
"Stop it!"
"You may not raise your voice to me."
"I don’t like your tone of voice."
WHEN YOU RESPOND
TO VERBAL ABUSE, REMEMBER:
When you are being put down, ordered around, yelled at, etc., you are being abused;
Abuse is unjust, disabling, and destructive;
The abuser is not speaking in a rational, adult manner;
You are responding to a person who is in some way trying to control, dominate, or establish superiority over you;
You have done nothing to cause it;
It is not healthy to live in an abusive atmosphere;
Distance yourself from the abuser by seeing his immaturity for what it is;
Respond with a tone of authority and firmness that shows that you are serious and will not tolerate further abuse;
Stay aware. Concentrate on the present. Notice what your senses tell you. How do you feel? How does he sound to you? What do you see?
EFFECTS OF VERBAL ABUSE
In a verbally abusive relationship, the partner’s need to understand and be understood is not met.
Her belief that her mate is rational and that understanding can be reached keeps her in the relationship.
The victim gradually loses her self-esteem and confidence without realizing it. If the victim is aware of this loss, she does not understand why.
As long as the partner believes the abuser is being honest and sincere, she will remain a victim of verbal abuse.
Victims of verbal abuse generally are aware of their feelings. However, they believe what their partner tells them about themselves and their relationship. They do not trust what their feelings tell them about themselves and their relationship.
The abuser defines the victims reality and her feelings about herself. If she believes him, she will feel confused. This is the art of crazymaking.
The effects of verbal abuse are primarily qualitative. The intensity of anguish which the victim suffers determines the extent of the injury.
*Adapted from: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
