As good as it's going to get I suspect ( oNgoiNg )

[WRITE]

I've been thinking, prompted by my therapist, about better ways to manage this N situation. I really think ex is as far as he's prepared to co-operate and all the other stuff I'm going to have to learn to live with now and distance myself from.

He's been paying alimony and half the costs for son's things with diligence and doesn't shout at me or rage any more. I think he sees his financial contribution as the compensation fro the things he's done which even he knows were wrong like physical abuse. In that I am grateful because I can't get him to see the abuse in his other behaviours.

Pretty much everything else is a problem:

his inconsistency, moodiness, role model, drinking, won't conform to any strictures, gets depressed if challenged, keeps comign off meds and neglecting self-care, sees any family problems as mine....

That's where I am up to now, working on being less afraid by the uncertainty and healing the trauma from all the fear of the past and the feelings I still have for him and our life togather.

I can't know what he will do next, or get him to change or address problems even when they affect us. I have to learn to live with a broken person in near proximity and stop reacting to the inevitable with disbelief or shock.

[Margo]

I've been thinking, prompted by my therapist, about better ways to manage this N situation. I really think ex is as far as he's prepared to co-operate and all the other stuff I'm going to have to learn to live with now and distance myself from.

He's been paying alimony and half the costs for son's things with diligence and doesn't shout at me or rage any more. I think he sees his financial contribution as the compensation fro the things he's done which even he knows were wrong like physical abuse. In that I am grateful because I can't get him to see the abuse in his other behaviours.

Pretty much everything else is a problem:

his inconsistency, moodiness, role model, drinking, won't conform to any strictures, gets depressed if challenged, keeps comign off meds and neglecting self-care, sees any family problems as mine....

That's where I am up to now, working on being less afraid by the uncertainty and healing the trauma from all the fear of the past and the feelings I still have for him and our life togather.

I can't know what he will do next, or get him to change or address problems even when they affect us. I have to learn to live with a broken person in near proximity and stop reacting to the inevitable with disbelief or shock.

"Less afraid of the uncertainty."  Reading that in your post made me so sad.  It reminded me of what my life had become and what I'm moving through now...... trying to gain distance and perspective.  Thanks for putting some words to the feelings I couldn't really identify in any concrete way with words. 

As for the second part of that sadness...... I still feel some rage at what my N probably went through with his mother.  The same uncertainty and abuse he put me through...... is probably what living with her was like when he was little.  All still very confusing and hard to see exactly whats real and what's not.  On the whole..... I think my instincts are better than they should be under the circumstances.

But back to you..... thank goodness he's paying his child support and alimony..... I keep reminding myself.... things could always be worse.  Tremusan

[axa]

Write,

There is always uncertainty with them, this is what used to do my head in, the constant unpredictibility, never knew who was going to walk in the door.  Thank God the door is now firmly closed.  I think knowing about the uncertainty and being less afraid is huge strides.  Not allowing him to control you by being afraid is taking on your life for yourself. 

I spent the last year in shock and disbelief and understand how numbing and terrifying that can be.  in some way I had to change my whole thought processess.  I had to understand that there are people in the world who care absolutly nothing for others.......... this for me was a big struggle.  I came to always expect the worst with him and not trust anything about him.  It takes a lot of energy to detach but the reward is a freedom to take control of your own life.  I am lucky in that I have no contact with XN my sympathy goes out to everyone here who has to have some contact because of children. 

Take good care of yourself and well done Write,

axa

[WRITE]

One of the things which has happened the past few days, with my son being at the therapist too I suspect, is I have been re-traumatised by all the violence of the previous years.

I cannot believe how I have rationalised and excused totally unacceptable cruel behaviour, and how I still allow this man to terrorise my life.

There's something tangible about the relationship between us though- he looks terrible again as I recover from his latest onslaught. It really is like he's leeched into some part of my psyche ( maybe that means I have to his too, i don't know )

My sister just said are you going to let him bully you forever?

Am I, that's a good question. Is it possible to stop him?

She said what everyone keeps saying 'detach'.

But every time I detach he kicks off some new problem to distract me or loop me back in....

It takes a lot of energy to detach but the reward is a freedom to take control of your own life.  I am lucky in that I have no contact with XN my sympathy goes out to everyone here who has to have some contact because of children. 

that's what I am most afraid about in detaching- that I won't have influence over how he raises my son. He already has my son most of the time and is difficult enough to talk to about this. But he is taking care of him, and son is doing pretty well considering....he's a good role model in terms of successful practical things. But emotionally he is totally dysfunctional, and I know that affects my son.

When I do get a new man in my life I hope it's someone who can be somewhat that role model for him. I'd love him to know a healthy male; I was very old before I met one, still haven't known many!

[WRITE]

I don't know what made me check back in, I'm running a bit late, but I am so glad I did.
Your words are like balm, CB.

This is what I have to accept.

There's no way to take the problem away from your son without you becoming part of the problem.

exactly.

Son is doing pretty well. Psychologist said he's delightful! And I survived much worse abuse I guess...but parents want to make their kids lives perfect. And they can't.

I keep looking for the key that will allow me to protect them from him, and I think it is slowly dawning on me that that key was thrown away when they were born. 

the psychologist says the key is me: let him see me living my life with my values and giving him unconditional love.

I wish I knew where it will all end with ex, and what will happen if I fully disengage. But I guess I have no choice but keep stepping out on this path towards emotional health and freedom, hopefully son will take some strides with me and when it's time forge out on his own.

Thanks so much CB. Your words are full of wisdom.

[Hopalong]

(That CB is a wise one...)

Write,
I am so glad for you, in spite of how painful your realizations are.

I am truly glad you're not in denial any more about your exNh. I know it's your tremendous love for your son that has kept you trying to believe in some sort of family...

You and your ex will always be "relatives"...but he doesn't need to have access to hurting you.

hugs,
Hops

[WRITE]

I am truly glad you're not in denial any more about your exNh

I think there's part of me that has to stay in denial, for I cannot bear to regret exposing my beautiful child to this difficulty, cannot believe I was so stupid and thoughtless, yet cannot imagine life without my boy...

Someone who didn't want children once told me they thought having kids was a selfish act, I didn't agree then; I see how it was now though. I so wanted a baby, I really didn't think through for a minute the consequences of bringing one to me and ex.

G_d even didn't want it, I couldn't get pregnant, I miscarried...I insisted and got my way, and in some ways I should take the pain not my son.

That's why I bend over backwards and if it wasn't for the abuse I would tolerate the unhappiness and unfulfillment until he grew up more.

But the abuse will hurt him too, even if he doesn't witness it: abuse filters down with attitudes and little behaviours here and there. That's what I've been reacting too and trying to correct in him...and clashing with ex along the way.

Ad if ex cannot see me on this one we are finished as friends or whatever, I will go into simple practical mode. I have DONE with being abused by him.

Thanks Hops.

[WRITE]

Could be, you were right where you were supposed to be.  Could be, your beautiful boy is going to turn out just fine.

Thanks for that, you are very dear here.

I do believe this in some ways of course- but also my conception of G_d is the Spirit of the universe, the balance....I made something happen with my will which I knew was a wrong thing so it's part of that balance that I am hurt and struggle because I moved away from G_d on that...not to be super-religious about it either: it was a totally anti-common-sense decision for a then atheist/pantheist who decided she could control everyone and everything around her.

It is a learning curve for new decisions and new relationships: if it feels wrong don't do it.

Of course I could have had many other scenarios that went wrong too. I know that. But I think my willfullness was at fault too, G_d knows it was hard enough to get pregnant with a man who refused to have sex- you'd think that might have given me a clue.

I do see my own part in all this and know I have to learn from it too or repeat similar ( if not as painful ) mistakes...

It's a beutiful day here, doesn't feel like a tunnel today.
Even the moment after a lovely foot massage when the workman woke me up to move my car half-way through getting my toenails painted didn't wobble me too much once I growled a couple of times; I threw him my car keys and a big smile and he moved it for me.

Practise with me: I do not let small irritations derail my serenity.... ( unclench jaw as you say it Write... )