Holding on to Hope

[Overcomer]

I still hold on to hope that she likes me and loves me and it still hurts to realize that your own mother is so much more concerned about herself and her way that she has no concern for me and my feelings.  None.  it is truly all about her wants and needs and identity.  My aunt describes it like being in a room with an elephant which takes up all the space and you feel squashed!

[Hopalong]

Oh, hon.

I
really
think
she
CAN'T

It's like she's broken.

It's NOT NOT NOT NOT because you're not lovable or don't deserve love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You may just have to grow freer of her to learn that you can go out in the world and find nurturing accepting love from someone other than your mother.

I'm so sorry, Kelly. I really am. I feel sad thinking of how little Kell feels.

Give her a hug for me, and please tell her it really will be all right.

love
Hops

[Overcomer]

She Is broken.  I feel sorry for both her and her sis my aunt.  Everything in their life is fake.  Face lifts.  Hair and mele up.  Someone at work noticed that my aunt puts on lipstick all day long.  My whole life was set up to make the fam look good.  Love and acceptance are not in the cards for me.

[Sela]

Hiya OC:

Been reading along here and imagining your struggle.  No fun at all.  I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

One thing.......

I still hold on to hope that she likes me and loves me and it still hurts to realize that your own mother is so much more concerned about herself and her way that she has no concern for me and my feelings. 

It's not you OC.  It's anyone.  She doesn't concern herself with anyone but herself or for anyone else's feelings.  It's not you.  It's her.

It's like there's a wire missing in her brain that should connect to her heart.  It's truly a disability, I bet.  So I'm wondering if it might help you to think of it that way......like she has a wire missing and doesn't function correctly?  I think that's probably a fairly accurate way to describe her behaviour and it's cause (even if science hasn't detected exactly which wire is missing or how to replace it).

In the misfiring way she opperates....it's impossible for her to love or feel empathy.  It's not you she doesn't love or feel for.....it's anyone else.   It is sad and unfair but it has nothing to do with you.  Imagine if she had diabetes?  Would you feel the same way?  Expect her to be able to digest sugar without the necessary insulin?  Ofcourse you wouldn't.  So this is similar.....it's like expecting her to feel something she is incapable of feeling (and feeling bad inside yourself....feeling hurt.......when she doesn't feel what she can't possibly feel without the correct wiring).

(((((((((((OC)))))))))))

I wish there was a cure but there isn't.   Maybe if you can think of her as missing a part, it won't feel so personal?

Sela

[Overcomer]

Sela:  I think that is a great idea!  If I can consider her mentally defective than I would feel better about how I feel when I am around her.  I think she truly cares but has a hard time showing it.  I appreciate the concept and I will consider it.  Thanks.

[gratitude28]

Kell,
I go through this so much too. And sometimes I start to feel like she is a mother... I conjure up emotions towards her and just get smacked around psychologically yet again...
I also feel completeley unlikeable, in spite of being generally well-liked. When I am with her, I get nothing but discussions of my body (what is good or bad about it... and how it compares to hers at my age - most of which is something she has created in her mind). I get the constant mantra that "I don't need to work," - she refuses to believe that I enjoy working (she thinks it is undignified I guess... except if you are a dr like my sis).
Kelly, I know she doesn't see me as a real person. Whenever we see each other again, she stares at me like I am a new species. She has created a person in her miond and I don't match her creation. I think it is harder because you are so near your mom, Kell.
Take care and remember not to use your mom as a measuring stick. That's like measuring light years with a tablespoon.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Hey OC,
That exact same concept (she is emotionally broken, like a basic button isn't there) that Sela describes has helped me learn to cope with the REALITY of who my mother is more than anything else.

I'm peaceful about her now. I don't take it personally any more. And that amazes me.
(Part of it too was spending a lot of time thinking about how she was taught...her own childhood...). That made a huge difference. Took me from rage to compassion.

If I can do it, I know you can!

Hops

[Overcomer]

I understand and as hard as it is I must accept that I will never be what she wants me to be but should I stay at work and trust that she really will back off if this new investor becomes a partner or should I continue to pursue another job which is more demanding but am free from the constant undermining and criticism?

[Hopalong]

Yes, I think you should leave.

This is life and it does pass. You deserve some happiness.

And who knows, finding a happier work life may give you strength to create other kinds of happiness for yourself. This is how it actually works!

Other thought re. this:

I must accept that I will never be what she wants me to be

I think you must accept that she will never be what you want her to be. When you do that, then the rest will be less painful...it really will.

hugs
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Just a quick note:  we got internet connection today but I am moving to another location tomorrow and may be without again.  thanks for your replies.  It sounds funny to talk about love to me - we don't even have a relationship.  But I do need help and I have decided to take him at his word - what do I have to lose?  All he can do is to get hurt or get angry and that will solve that.  So as long as I am not making an implied commitment by accepting his help then I will.

I am having a wonderful time - 4 families smashed in together in one beach house.  9 children and 8 adults.  SOOOO much ffffuuunnn!!!  Laughing, kindness, fun.  This is one of the things that I have had in my hopes.  Now I am going to hope that I can stay in this loop. 

Take care my dear friends. - GS

[CB123]

GS,

Thanks for checking with us in the midst of all your fun!  Oh, I can just picture it--you must be having a blast!

Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

CB