Sea,
It is terrible when you are going through all this stuff. I went through most of it last year when I was still with XN and he started to play his crazy games. There were times when I thought someone was holding my heart and trying to drag it out of me. I was in shock for most of the time. I stayed with him for a further year because I needed to know in the deepest part of me what he was. Well, that was when I got over the shock.
I would look at him sometimes and SEE him, once I moved myself from the "love" place and what I saw was a very cold, vicious, cruel man who got off on my pain. He HATED me. Living with hatred is mind numbing. I can get angry, he thought I should deal with my anger issues........... so lying, cheating, gaslighting is not a reason to be angry!!!! Well, my anger saved me. I thank my anger. I ranted and raved. I pleaded and begged and he just loved it.
I also thought if he was my friend.......... and then it dawned on me there is no way in this world I would have a "friend" like him. I woke up one morning (apologies for swearing) and realised I was lying next to a piece of shit. Now, I said to myself, Axa girl what you doin with a piece of shit in your bed and I told him leave. Well, I thought i would die without him and you know what I GOT A LIFE.
Once you get over the terrible pain of the abuse, relief sets in. In my day nobody bullies me, nobody abuses me, nobody is trying to screw with my brain, nobody is lying to me, nobody is twisting my reality.........and Sea, it feels good.
I thought about him recently and wondered if he was happy and you know what i realised that I dont care. If I heard he died tomorrow it would mean nothing to me. He is nothing to me. He does not have any power over me anymore. The person I loved was a manufactured ghost who fed me all the lines, set me up and when he could not break me, hit me as hard as he could with his sick games. Do I miss him. No, I was so surprised by this. I have nobody sucking the life and joy out of me. Sometimes I find myself dancing and feel great surges of joy because I am free.
i used to go back over things and think if only I did this, and if only I did that, maybe things would have been ok. Things NEVER would have been ok. Thank God I fought back, thank God and me I found my voice and named his madness. For some time I was afraid I would run into him somewhere, now I dont care. I am so grateful for my lucky escape you will be too but it will take time. I did my grieving while he was around me but there is nothing left to grieve. I sometimes thought I wasted those years with him but now I think thank God I got out. I could have stayed longer.
There is life after Ns. I miss nothing about him because there was nothing to miss!!!!!!!!!!!! took me a while to figure that one out.
Hang on in there.
axa