feeling so sad

[sea storm]

I am feeling very sad today. Lots of tears. Last night I read about Narcissism for hours in order to keep up my resove. Everything fits so well.

After a restless night I woke up feeling afraid. Just general fear not attached to anything. There was an email from ex. He has the separation agreement from the lawyer. He says he will be coming to where we live to sign the papers. If I want something that means a lot to me and is very valualble, I will have to go with him to look through his storage facility that is at his friend's house.  He said that he is very sad after reading the agreement and will write when he is feeling better in a few days.  He included the fax number of his new "Friend" who lives 2000 miles away. This is where he lives now. He says that they are just friends but he did mention that she did not want to be his mistress ( he said that in October).


Anyway, this got me all shaken up. I started to imagine a passionate reunion with ex pleading for my forgiveness. I feel sick about this. I don't want to get out of bed, clean the house, take out old newpapers, pay bills, nothing.
My friggin heart is broken. I keep paddling to reach the other side but it keeps going off into the distance.  I am so tired and beaten down.
I can't keep being like this: crying, withdrawing, not working.  I am on disability insurance right now so actually can take time to fall apart.
I just wonder what to do while I am in the pit of hell.
Someone wrote about friends. Well, no one can go through this with me. It takes too long and it is too dark and sad.

I also feel like I have terned into a judgemental person without much to give. i notice that I give advice and sound preachy. I don't want to alienate people here as I really count on you guys.

I really need some help and encouragement to keep going.

Sea storm

PS  I did not reply to ex. Thank god

[WRITE]

it's hard isn't it. Just when you think you're getting over the trauma a new wave ( or new action ) happens and sets everything back again.
I guess it was psychological violence, it's going to take time.

Not noticed any preaching from you, dear, and as for judgemental, well it's part of the learning curve to be a bit more severe in our analysis lest we get hooked into something else damaging....

You're fine. You're great.

Forget the passionate reunion with ex....think compassionate reunion with self.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[debkor]

Sea,

I don't know if this helps you.  It helped me quite a bit. We were all caught up in the love thing with our partners.  Feeling really betrayed what they did to us.  I use to look at my h as my h. You know, partner for life. Sitting in rocking chairs when we are old and feel so much pain by the betrayal.  It is very hard to come to terms with it.  It is very sad. But it was really just our imaginations of the ideal  mate that really didn't fit their profile.  Being in love with the thought of being in love.  Right day, wrong person.
When I would look at him I would think. This is sad.  We could of had a good life. If only? What ifs.  This is when I looked at him as a life long partner.  When I looked at him and thought OK now if he wasn't my lover and I could choose him as a friend would I? The immediate answer was OH HELL NO!.  When I removed the romantic/or family thoughts connected to a friendship with this person I did not even have to think about it. It was right out no. I didn't even like him.
Try to remove the sad part that you are feeling and look at him like you have a choice of being his friend and I guarantee when you remove the romantic/partner/life long to picking him as your friend you will NOT.  You will detest his being and his personality. He will look nothing more then a con artist to you. You will snub your nose to him. 

It will get better Sea, promise.
Treat it like a funeral,  shocked,sad, mad,acceptance and buried. 

Love
Deb

[gratitude28]

Sea,
Imagine yourself having the passionate reunion with the ex. I am serious. Imagine how sweet and charming he will be to entice you. Imagine him saying he is heartbroken and you are beautiful. Imagine him kissing you and all the things he does to make you want hiim.

Now imagine him using that to ask you for money. Imaigne him telling you about his new squeeze and making you feel small and worthless.Imagine how the drama will play out.

((((((((sea)))))))))))))))

Lots of love,
Beth

[Leah]

((((((( Sea Storm ))))))

You have been doing so well, it's a long journey, not an easy one, be assured, you are on your way and making good progress.

Thinking of you.

Leah xx

[Stormchild]

Sea,
Imagine yourself having the passionate reunion with the ex. I am serious. Imagine how sweet and charming he will be to entice you. Imagine him saying he is heartbroken and you are beautiful. Imagine him kissing you and all the things he does to make you want hiim.

Now imagine him using that to ask you for money. Imaigne him telling you about his new squeeze and making you feel small and worthless. Imagine how the drama will play out.

((((((((sea)))))))))))))))

Lots of love,
Beth

Amen, Beth. Play the tape... all the way to the end.

[Stormchild]

Just reread your first post on this thread, sea storm.

Aww, sweetie.

((((((((((sea storm))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Hi Sea,
Every time I see a "have to" within a paragraph of an N my ears perk up.

Where is there a rule that you have to go alone with him to his storage facility?

What's to prevent you from having a social worker, a friend, a volunteer from a church or other organization, or a rented muscly teenaged 18 y/o go with you????????????????

You don't HAVE to do anything around, for, or near this man ever again.
(And you don't owe him any explanations, either. ANY boundary you set to guard yourself against retriggering of old tapes and new drama is your business.)

Your inner thoughts are your business too. He's not entitled (ha).

I'm sorry for the pain.

Hops

[sea storm]

Thank you for the wise words that help so much.  I feel frozen at the thought of him seeing me. He is not finished trying to hurt me. Best to avoid the whole thing. That was a good point about Ex asking for money. That is probably why he was being nice.
I need to be reminded of this.

Love

Sea storm

[spyralle]

Hey Seastorm,

God I feel for you...  I don't know what I'd do if I had to relate to ex N at all.  I think my life would fall apart again...  Oh I know that dark place well..  I was floundering around in there for a very long time and as you probably know I often slip back down into it's murky clutches....  That paralysis is very very difficult to deal with....  I always say to myself that tomorrow will be better..  I will stop staring at the wall and sort out the bills and do my cleaning and then I get up and bang there I am six hours later having done nothing but stare at the walls and imagine all sorts of scenarios.. especially the one about passionate reunions and him realising how sorry he is...

I guess I started to invede those thoughts withthe next step in the scenario, which it sounds like you are doing.....  what would come next... what would he want from me.... how would I feel in light of all he had done...  would I ever be able to trust him....  When he looked at me with love would I see only lies and manipulation..  How long would it take for him to destroy me again...  Blah blah blah... on and on like a mantra... and while I was doing that I would think of all the stuff I had blindspotted and drag it into my conscious mind and wave it about so I took notice...  Now I cannot think of the passionate reunion cos all the other stuff immediately starts dancing about in front of me...

We are with you sea every step of the way xxx

Spyralle xxxxxxx

[sea storm]

Hi Hops, Deb, Spyralle, Leah, CB

You dear dear people.  Your belief in me has helped so much.

I agree that doing nothing and not responding is the best thing.
The closet is full of his clothes and there are dozens of books and his papers take up a lot of space. I am going to pack up his clothes today. He slept in the master bedroom and I don't go in there. It is haunted as you know. So I would like to change that. This would be big. Just take the stuff to the good will store or leave in garage for pick up.
These final clean ups are hard since i have no energy.
Spyralle, I can so understand how you feel. Since i did not think I could live through this I am doing ok to just go on living. Even that is a lot. I managed to hang onto the house and remortgage and go through the endless redtape to stay on disability. It really was endless for awhile.  i am relieved that I don't wake up in the morning and realize what has happened and sob and sob for the first few hours of the day.
My sister is an angel and has helped me and loved me through all of this. I am learning what real love is from her.
I go to the course for Hospice and I am glad I have done it. I haven't made a friend and feel like an outsider there. There are lots of comments that seem to come from people who have never been mauled by life. Eventually, I think I will start to feel a part of things just by keeping on going.
I think it is ok to do nothing as far as Ex goes. he can get his stuff out of the yard and he can make an appointment at my convenience for his tax stuff. He will probebly want me to mail it. In the end I always end up doing all the work.
I know there will never be any closure really. How do you have closure with someone who lied, cheated and stole from you?
Maybe this is my closure. To just shut the door and leave silence.
I can do my nashing of teeth and tearing towels into shreds and throwing ashes on myself as i crawl over hot coals in private. Or with you guys, you sweet, tender, ruby, crystal, emerald loyal, compassionate friends.

I have realized that if i show me feelings of grief to N that he rubs his hands together in glee and thinks, "Tee hee hee, i got her".  He has no empathy or conscience.  Boy is that hard to grasp.

Love,
Sea storm

[spyralle]

Hey Sea,

It's lovely to see you realising the enormity of what you are doing and the changes you are making.  You know one of the most powerful revelations I had was last new years.  I spent it with my friend who's husband had left in July and she sobbed her way into 2007...  though I thought I was in a very bad place I realised that I  had moved forward ever so slightly...  That had been me the year before...

The energy will come Sea...  Just take tiny steps.  Rather than looking at the whole massive picture of things you have to do till it kicks of the overwhelmed feeling, just start to plan one small achievement for every day...  i'e' fill one bag with his things and don't put it in the garage get it thrown down the goodwill chute (that's if you still have them in the States)...  I took ex N's down to the local tip and flung it as far as I could...  and if you have any bottles to recycle fling thm in the recycle bin one at a time...Smash them hard along with the shackles you are chaining yourself up with...

Keep on doing the hospice course..  Try and relax and don't worry too much about joining in... Are you planning to do voluntary work at a hopice then that sounds like you are doing something good for you..  I am also starting a bereavement counselling course next week..

You are right about the whole closure thing...  It is impossible I think to do it with them because of the very nature of who they are...  But I did the same thing as you.  First I closed the door...  I found it hard to leave the door for a while after I had closed it...  wondering if I still had the key or if things on the other side had chaged...  I came to the gradual realisation that they had not and never ever would and the only person suffering because of my anger was me...  so I turned and faced the passageway ahead...  so he stole all my money lied to me cheated on me reduced me to a nothing person, I came to realise that those were his problems and I still had my dignity and integrity and most importantly of all I was capable of love and then I began to walk away ....

Keep going dear Sear keep just putting one tiny step in front of the other xxx

Spyralle xxx

[James73]

Hey Sea Storm, don't worry about the preachy and judgemental thing as I do that too and am still working at expunging it from my system, its like I could see everyone else's problems but never my own, I didn't want to look at my own problems as the N's had made me hate myself through their evil and bitter ways. You are on the path to redeeming yourself and YOUR values and are beginning to reassert your own natural views and not that of the N's. That's how I see things anyway and going from my experience. I am becoming less and less judgemental and berate myself each time I am judgemental reprograms my brain to to not be in the future. I dont know if youve had this but I also find that I laugh at inappropriate times and my laugh can be hollow and fake, I think this is due to N's making fun at my expense for so long that when anyone else takes the piss out of me I think they are doing it to make me feel like shit, I'm getting better now though so hey ho n all that.  Do not worry Sea Storm you will get better and the real you will win out as you are a very strong and kind person. My thoughts and prayers are with you always and everyones combined strength is your own, you will be happy, you are strong and you will live the great life you deserve, if not Ill kick you butt!  Only kidding of course but if such a lovely kind person such as yourself doen't have a fantastic life then Im gonna have to kick God's booty instead (I hope he didnt hear that!!      ...Sorry God, doh!!)   

Peace be with you always SS and my love and strength is yours
James

[sea storm]

Thanks for your reply Spyralle,
I really take it to heart.  As you say, I have some really bad days but i am making progress slowly but surely.
Knowing that you care and understand is a pearl without price to me.

James:
Hey James. So glad you are still about and listening in on your old pals. I think you have such a good spirit. Thanks for the cheering section, Mate.
I love you lots.  If you need to talk about what happened to you, you are safe with me.  No one deserves what happened to you.
Your words mean a lot to me.

Love Sea storm

Today spent hours writing up my resume and a covering letter to apply for a new job. I may be  semi basket case but this is a job I would like. It would mean giving up my job security as a teacher and my permanent job. i have thought about this a lot and decided to go for life and what would be meaningful for me.The idea of going back to teaching makes me sick. I love kids but teaching seems to involve mostly other politics and so much bullshit.
I want to work with adults for awhile.

I was imagining myself in this job and it felt nice. It would also mean moving to another city close by.  I could live with my sister during the week.
I am a little worreid about biting off more than I can chew but these jobs rarely come up.

Havent heard from ex about his coming ot get his stuff. he siad he would contct me but of course,he didn't follow through with that.

I hope all of you are surrounded by a shield of protection and love tonight. I know that I am sending you love and healing.  We are the forces of light trying to fight against the forces of cruelty and darkness. I think it is important work. Not just for ourselves but for everyone we meet or come in contact with.

Love,
Sea storm

[axa]

Sea,

It is terrible when you are going through all this stuff.  I went through most of it last year when I was still with XN and he started to play his crazy games.  There were times when I thought someone was holding my heart and trying to drag it out of me.  I was in shock for most of the time.  I stayed with him for a further year because I needed to know in the deepest part of me what he was.  Well, that was when I got over the shock. 

I would look at him sometimes and SEE him, once I moved myself from the "love" place and what I saw was a very cold, vicious, cruel man who got off on my pain.  He HATED me.  Living with hatred is mind numbing.  I can get angry, he thought I should deal with my anger issues........... so lying, cheating, gaslighting is not a reason to be angry!!!!  Well, my anger saved me.  I thank my anger.  I ranted and raved.  I pleaded and begged and he just loved it.

I also thought if he was my friend.......... and then it dawned on me there is no way in this world I would have a "friend" like him.  I woke up one morning (apologies for swearing) and realised I was lying next to a piece of shit.  Now, I said to myself, Axa girl what you doin with a piece of shit in your bed and I told him leave.  Well, I thought i would die without him and you know what I GOT A LIFE.

Once you get over the terrible pain of the abuse, relief sets in. In my day nobody bullies me, nobody abuses me, nobody is trying to screw with my brain, nobody is lying to me, nobody is twisting my reality.........and Sea, it feels good. 

I thought about him recently and wondered if he was happy and you know what i realised that I dont care.  If I heard he died tomorrow it would mean nothing to me.  He is nothing to me.  He does not have any power over me anymore.  The person I loved was a manufactured ghost who fed me all the lines, set me up and when he could not break me, hit me as hard as he could with his sick games.  Do I miss him.  No, I was so surprised by this.  I have nobody sucking the life and joy out of me.  Sometimes I find myself dancing and feel great surges of joy because I am free.

i used to go back over things and think if only I did this, and if only I did that, maybe things would have been ok.  Things NEVER would have been ok.  Thank God I fought back, thank God and me I found my voice and named his madness.  For some time I was afraid I would run into him somewhere, now I dont care.  I am so grateful for my lucky escape you will be too but it will take time.  I did my grieving while he was around me but there is nothing left to grieve.  I sometimes thought I wasted those years with him but now I think thank God I got out.  I could have stayed longer.

There is life after Ns.  I miss nothing about him because there was nothing to miss!!!!!!!!!!!! took me a while to figure that one out.

Hang on in there.

axa