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"making nice"

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sjkravill:
I am needing space to think/be heard.  If you have experienced an N "making nice" it might help me.   Thanks for indulging.  I am still utterly confused about whether or not my H is a N, and whether or not he can or will chage.
      In the last couple of weeks I have told him that I am not ready to buy our first house together.  I cited his two threats to leave me (in the last month and a hlaf) as evidence of the questionable stability of our marriage. As much as he wanted to buy a house in the next month or so, he seemed very respectful of my request.  (A couple of friends had advised me that his desire to buy a house could be a way to convince me and himself that everything is going to be OK.) My H does not want to admit how serious our problems are.
      He assured me that he would never leave me.  Since his threats, and since that conversation he has been extremely sweet. He has professed his love for me (to an almost sickening extent). He has promised to spend more quality time, he has made me dinner, done chores, opened up emotionally making astute observations about the inappropriateness of his behavior, and promises to change.  He has even recommended we go to couples counseling again. (last time. I brought him to counseling, and soon learned it was a mistake to impose my will on the situation). This time he promises to be involved.  I told him I would agree to that if he took the responsiblity to make the plans.  
      My problem is, I am less and less trusting of his kind words and promises, because this seems to be a pattern with him.  As soon as the pressure is off he reverts back to self-centeredness, more characteristically N behavior. He has never abused me physically. Emotionally and verbally, at times he behaves respectfully, and other times he  really does not.  I think this behavior is truly on some level of his unconscious. Consciously, he would never hurt me.  He thinks he is a very good husband, but he is unaware of the part of him that needs control. Equally powerful is my hope and belief that he can and will change.  Maybe this time he is really changing.  He sure sounds and acts as though he will change. How will I know?  Is this all in my head?  Will I ever be able to trust him if he does change?  How do I even know what to look for (in him changing).  Only time will tell, I guess.
      This time is different from my point of view. My own health and well being is my first priority.  I am noticing the cumulative effects of the longterm and constnat stress of this relationship.  I am unwilling to live for very much longer under these conditions.  So, this time around, if he sets up counseling, If I don't sense real improvement on his part, I will request time off if for no other reason than for me to return to health. That is, if I can find the strength within myself.  
      His "making nice" always makes me nervous.  It is so easy for me to be seduced and fooled into believing things will be ok.  At the same time I am confused, because maybe I am being too cautious, and depriving him of intimacy (as he has accused me).  I worry that it is not serious enough for me to be contemplating separation. I worry that it is very serious, and it will only get more subtle and harder for me to detect. I wonder if reconciliation is possible or even good in this circumstance.  I have absolutely no clarity.  
      Has anyone else experienced this kind of "making nice"  and the confusion/ lack of trust that comes with it?  What have you learned?
Thanks for listening! sjkravill

surf14:
I'd say go with your gut instinct; ie if you are guarded about his 'making nice'  there is probably a good reason for it.  Try the couseling if you are not sure; it may help to have third party officiate and to give you more personal clarity.  Surf

write:
read Patricia Evans: The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men ( they're both on the new booklist in the forum index )

Empower yourself before you take any big steps.

Marriage is a difficult unfair business, patriarchy/ male chauvinism abound and many men still think they are just being real men with their agressive or controlling behaviours.
We buy into the myth of romantic love= equality when actually many of us commence marriage from the one-down position, and are not viewed fairly or as equals right from day one.

The N 'making nice' behaviour will exasperate you over time, it's more about his neediness and controlling than about meeting your needs.

Don't get deeper in while your instinctive alarm bells are ringing I'd say, once you are financially ( and emotionally if you go on to have kids ) permanently linked you'll find it harder to assert ( or even retain ) yourself.

Have you had any personal therapy? I wish I had before I had even considered marrying years ago.

rosencrantz:
Honestly, sjkravill - we read the same story over and over and it never changes.  It's hard when you're right in the middle of it and you want it not to be true and fear what will happen if you take that fatal step and people around you don't understand the true nature of what's going on.

write is right!!  Read to empower yourself.  Patricia Evans 'Controlling People' tells it from the inside.  You can't not understand after that one!

Just a small warning bell about therapy.  If you know what you want to do and you want support whilst you do it, then be clear about that and go for it.  But be wary of using therapy as a way of deciding what you want to do unless you are quite sure the therapist really understands this kind of thing or is a specialist in this area.

You're going round in circles right now - Read the books, and I'm sure you'll know where to get off the merry go round!!
Good luck
R

seeker:
Hi there,

Great insights above.  Just to add my impressions from your post:

Buying a house at this tentative emotional stage feels like "golden handcuffs".  

Also, people don't change.  People don't change.  We can only change ourselves.  If he is promising change, one would have to witness this changed behavior over time to really know the results.  Think about dieting and how hard it is to change eating habits...will a person stick with the new behavior once the desired weight is achieved?  Or revert back to cookies and donuts?  It takes at least three months to incorporate new behavior and even then relapses are possible.

"Making nice" could also be that "honeymoon" period in a cycle of abuse.  That is Nice/Tension/Blowup/Nice/Tension/Blowup.  One idea (just brainstorming) is to set a date off in the future (six months to a year) for buying the house.  His reaction should tell you whether or not he is making nice just to massage you into buying the house.  From your post, it really sounds like you don't trust him and he has to earn your trust back.

Good luck to you.  Hope this helps a little bit.  Seeker

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