Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
"making nice"
Anonymous:
His quick change into sweetness and consideration isn't likely to be permanent. People don't change so radically within a short time. It's probably a sincere effort to court your favor and get you to buy a house with him. You are wise not to do so. Buying a house is INCREDIBLY stressful, it is one of the most high-pressure things a couple can do. I think couples therapy is needed here, and it's not "imposing your will." It's making an investment in the marriage.
bunny
pandora:
Hi skravil,
I second the recommendations of the books mentioned above. Patricia Evans books were very helpful to me in seeing some of the things going on in my marriage.
Even if your husband is not N, your unease comes from somewhere, and it sounds like he is the source of a good part of it. Pay attention to your health - sometimes your body recognizes a situation for what it is before your mind.
I don't know if this is the case with you, but I often found that after a verbal encounter with my husband, I would feel upset and confused - but I did not understand why. After all, he never screamed and swore at me. And he often was very sweet and affectionate. So I pushed back those feelings, I figured there was something wrong with me. It was only after his verbal abuse became more extreme and more frequent that I slowly began to see that it was NOT me and that, as a previous poster wrote - something was WRONG.
There could be all sorts of contributing factors to what you are feeling - something from your own past, he may be acting out patterns from his past, etc. Get a good counselor to help you deal with this.
I share with you the hope and belief that people can change. I have a good friend who is a recovered alcoholic, I know that he struggles every day, but he HAS been able to change what was for him very destructive behavior. But he had to see his behavior for what it was, be brutally honest with himself, and take the responsibility for that change upon himself. That is the only way it can happen. Don't take the responsibility for your husband's change on yourself.
Good luck, and take care of yourself no matter what. Find friends or family members that will help you. Don't isolate yourself!
Peace, Pandora
sjkravill:
Thank you to everyone for your help and support! I have been reading your responses over and over. So many pieces of wisdom.
I really appreciate your astute observations and your validation, and suggested reading.
I do worry a little about counseling. The last two counselors did not seem to see through his charm. I do have trouble trusting my own experience and instincts. Friends whom I have told about our relationship immediately say that it sounds like an abusive pattern...
Time will tell, hopefully. I am also seeing a therapist on my own who thinks he is abusive. But, I am the only one who lives with him, who loves him, who is terribly confused, scared, angry and hopeful all at the same time. I am trying to walk the tightrope of being open to the possibility of change and yet not being seduced by promises and good intentions. Only time will tell.
Today I had a new observation:
I have had this problem with feeling like I have to explain myself to him. I usually give him the same explanations over and over. I stopped explaining because he was twisting my words and making things my fault. When he is "making nice" he doesn't seem to twist my words. He is very respectful, which seduces me into explaining more. I wonder if I am giving up too much power in this instance. Perhaps I should stick to not explaining because it gives him another way to promise exactly what I want... Maybe he needs to get his information from inside himself. This is so tough, because surely in more normal relationships (if there is such a thing) articulate and open communication is beneficial.
Thank you all again, for sharing your strength and wisdom.
Peace! sjkravill
pandora:
Today I had a new observation:
I have had this problem with feeling like I have to explain myself to him. I usually give him the same explanations over and over. I stopped explaining because he was twisting my words and making things my fault. When he is "making nice" he doesn't seem to twist my words. He is very respectful, which seduces me into explaining more. I wonder if I am giving up too much power in this instance. Perhaps I should stick to not explaining because it gives him another way to promise exactly what I want... Maybe he needs to get his information from inside himself. This is so tough, because surely in more normal relationships (if there is such a thing) articulate and open communication is beneficial.
This sounds all too familiar to me. You might also want to look for the book I mentioned in a post a while ago "Loving the Self-absorbed". One of the main points in the book is that "desireable" communication patterns and styles - like emotional openness - can actually be counterproductive with an N. And I have experienced many "word twisting" incidences with my husband. The book might help you determine if NPD is a factor here.
Does he save up the explanations that you give while he is "making nice" and then you find your own words - spoken in an attempt to be honest and open- turned against you later? This happened to me several times- in therapy, my husband would bring up things I had said to him (like "I don't think I can trust you" - pretty understandable after an affair!) and make them seem like evidence against me.
Your friends and therapist may have objectivity that you lack, this was true in my case- so keep talking to them.
peace, Pandora
write:
I do worry a little about counseling. The last two counselors did not seem to see through his charm.
I believe this is a common problem with N., though the couple counsellor we saw together some years ago told my husband point blank there was nothing he could do for him! he was so not open to change the whole time.
Couple counselling is more appropriate for two people who have already worked out their individual issues, to help in a relationship problem.
The fact you say 'see through his charm' shows that you already have seen through him, and are questionning his attitude and behaviour.
Keep building yourself up, no matter what he wants, and so if it comes to a point you want out you have reserves of inner strength to draw upon.
Take good care of yourself.
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