Author Topic: I did something very stupid!  (Read 2994 times)

Healing&Hopeful

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I did something very stupid!
« on: March 30, 2007, 07:12:59 AM »
Hi All

I've done something that is completely out of character for me!  Maybe it's my hormones (I'm 16 weeks pregnant), but I registered on the website my N bio dad posts on and posted a response!

He had put again how he was misunderstood and how his father, sister and now daughter had disowned him and this whole spiel which was all lies, so I posted to say that I hadn't misunderstood or disowned him, and posted a very brief sketch of the reasons why.

What was I thinking!

So, what was the outcome.... well, one of the members said their piece, however said at the end about resolution, so I publically posted my last question to him, asking what he was prepared to do about it to resolve things.

Then one of his friends posted to say an olive branch had been extended and not be a twit, while the member that had said their piece said I was approaching it the wrong way, and then N bio dad responded.

He put this massive shock in big letters, then proceeded to make a big show with apologising to the forum and how I had all his personal numbers and email address.  Then he proceeded to say how it wasn't an olive branch, more a poisened chalice, and that my last email to him was that my counsellor had told me to have no more contact, as I got angry when I thought of him... this was including him suggesting just sending Christmas & Birthday Cards.

So the blame game was played again.... I think he did a pretty good job of making it sound like I had the problems, what do you think?

So I posted again, and I said that it was funny that the forum was not the place as he is always saying how honest and open he was with nothing to hide, so thought it would be the right place (then apologised for being sarcastic and said it was out of character for me!)

So I told them that the email asking about the problems and what he was prepared to do was sent on 4th Feb, however after no response and after a shock of receiving a birthday card a couple of months later, which was out of the norm, I sent the following:-

Hello

These are your words - you don't accept me for being me, you only made me beans on toast when I asked you to get my tea when I was understandably inconsolable, I thought you may like to right wrongs which have been done to me, you've caused me days of misery. You are responsible for these words. You cannot dispute that. These words mean - it's your fault for not accepting me as I am, it's your fault for only making me beans on toast so I had to tell you to go, it's your fault for not righting wrongs that have happened to me, it's your fault for causing me days of misery. This is your coping mechanism to blame and this proves that you don't accept personal responsibility whatever you say.

I have spoke to two professional qualified counsellors who have told me it is time to draw the line and move on, that I have done all I can to mend fences and that I have done more than should have been expected of me. I have accepted you as you are and accepted that you will not change. There really is nothing more that I can do and I have accepted that.

No contact means that now - no contact. I shall not be sending you cards and I feel a good 100% sure this is not something I will feel differently about in years to come. The counsellors have helped me realise this and I am telling you so you are aware and not under any false hopes and it means I can draw a line under it.

I hope you have a nice life.

---------------------

I actually posted the email I sent to him in April 2005.... but at least it shows the correct information, not his fabricated version of events!

As he is put about the poisened chalice, I put that the forum was witnesses to the fact that I hadn't disowned him, and that he had managed to alienate me on his own and hopefully next time we will see him say "I have disowned my daughter" so it's an accurate picture.

To the member who said his piece, I thanked him and said that my initial post was not intended to insult, just stating what had happened, and that maybe he felt it was acceptable to berate a family member for not believing the same as you, to blame a family member for things beyond their control, however I felt that these are an unacceptable way to treat someone you are supposed to love and care for and that these were my reasons for asking for change.... if it sounded unfair or wrong, then so be it.....

I received a couple of mails after, one from one of his friends, who has had issues with him in the past and said that he knew how stubborn, belligerant and downright bigoted he could be and said I had his fullest sympathy, and the other one was from the member who had said he piece saying he didn't mean to attack me, quite the opposite, however he had a similar issue in his family which was his reason for trying to help, however apologised for jumping the gun as there were obviously facts he wasn't privvy to.

The posts have now been deleted, and his initial post has been edited by the site staff to remove the sentence where he says about me disowning him.

Am I an idiot folks?  Obviously he is not aware I'm expecting and that he will become a Granddad in 6 months time, but I feel that at least he's had the option to respond, and at least quite a few members saw his response.  I was a bit gutted to be honest when I found out the posts had been deleted, but I can understand this as they were personal, however it would have been good to give him a constant reminder.  As soon as they were deleted, he was back posting like nothing has happened, but maybe next time he says my daughter has disowned me, someone may say, actually that's not the case is it.... I hope so anyway....

Take care

H&H xx

On Edit - Also, I don't know if this has anything to do with above but I've been having horendous dreams recently!  Last one was last night that was about being stabbed with a short knife to cause me more pain, and a couple of nights ago one where someone broke in and I woke up and my hubby had been butchered next to me.  Really horrible.....
« Last Edit: March 30, 2007, 07:37:38 AM by Healing&Hopeful »
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Hopalong

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2007, 08:34:30 AM »
((((((((((((((H&H))))))))))))))))))))

I don't think it was stupid at all, even if it was the hormones!
I think it's pretty great that you got validation from two of his "friends".

That must help in a way...you're not tweeting in the wilderness.

But now, for you and your babe's sake, that crazy selfish old man isn't important any more.

love to you,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Stormchild

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2007, 08:36:01 AM »
H&H - it sounds to me as though you were standing up for yourself, and wrapping up some 'unfinished business'.

As far as its being 'stupid', as you put it in your title, I'm not so sure of that.

When dealing with abusers, we have a very limited range of choices. 'Work out a decent relationship and end up on peaceful, equal terms' is not usually on the list of options, unless the person who is abusing us is simply emotionally tone-deaf, rather than truly abusive. Instead, the menu selections are more like this:

-be maligned and bear it silently as long as you can; you will blow up or act out in some other way periodically, because no human being can absorb abuse infinitely without showing the effects

-break off contact so that you aren't there to witness being maligned; you will still be maligned, and you will still be bearing it silently because you are not there to defend yourself, but you won't know what's being said and you won't experience the abuse directly. You may still get it indirectly through the third parties who believe what's being said about you, though, and you need to decide how you'll deal with that, sooner or later.

-set the record straight, directly and in public, if you can; understand, however, that you are doing this only for yourself, for your own emotional health, because you can't make your abuser honest any more than you can make him non-abusive. You may be able to 'get through' to some of his followers, but don't make that your goal, because you will inevitably be disappointed -- many people prefer to believe malicious fabrications because of the drama dependency problem [life's more interesting when it resembles soap opera]. [Since abusers 'hate to lose', you're likely to have further malice to contend with, but if you stand firm, they'll soon look for safer targets elsewhere.]

-set the record straight in a safe, private setting [such as with a therapist]; again, this is for your own emotional health primarily. [This has the advantage that you don't get as much direct retaliation from the abuser, but the disadvantage that you still have the abuse going on just as before; sometimes increased awareness makes it easier to tolerate abuse, but sometimes it makes it much more difficult to put up with!]

~~~~~~~

In your case, I suspect that being an expectant mother has brought out some strong protective impulses. :cool: You don't want this man having anything to do with your child, perhaps? Might that be why you are taking a strong stand now? :cool:

The dream about your husband - the nightmare, I should say - might just be your subconscious telling you in very dramatic terms that protection of your family from your biological father is going to be up to you, not something your husband can do for you; you're the one who has to stand firm and lock the door - if that is where you are headed. At the gentlest extreme, it's still you who has to stand firm and define the boundaries.

The dream might also be warning you about things that threaten your family harmony - and an openly slanderous N parent can certainly be a threat to a family's harmony.

Just a few thoughts. They may be helpful, they may be totally off the wall. Congratulations, on being a mother to-be; and for my part, congratulations on taking an audacious stand on your own behalf.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2007, 08:38:28 AM by Stormchild »
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Healing&Hopeful

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2007, 09:28:58 AM »
Thank you ((((((((((((((CB))))))))))))) ((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((Storm)))))))))))))))  Thank you for your congratulations and good wishes....

It's been an age since I posted on here, as on the whole I didn't pay him much attention.... maybe had a brief look at his postings when I thought about it (probably about once a month), but haven't had any contact with him since April 2005.

Storm, thank you so much for this:-
-break off contact so that you aren't there to witness being maligned; you will still be maligned, and you will still be bearing it silently because you are not there to defend yourself, but you won't know what's being said and you won't experience the abuse directly. You may still get it indirectly through the third parties who believe what's being said about you, though, and you need to decide how you'll deal with that, sooner or later.

Recently some information got back to me from all the fisaco before our wedding.  A few weeks ago he bumped into a couple of members of my family (from my Mum's side) and told them how he turned up at the church and was turned away at the church door, and how it was supposed to be him and my stepdad was supposed to walk me down the isle, and they were supposed to be sharing speeches etc etc, which is all lies.  I was definitely at the church door and he was not there as he decided to stick with his unfairness and hurt instead of celebrating our day before I sent the email above to him.  And I am well aware he didn't get turned away before I turned up at the church door either.

After this I started looking at his postings more in the last few weeks, so I can really understand how this has happened now.  And in some ways I felt quite happy when he posted about the poisened chalice, because I was quite sure he wasn't going to accept the olive branch, so re-affirmed that I doing the right thing by not telling him about our baby.

Hops, sweetie.... yes, in a kind of bizarre way it did help when his friends emailed me.  Even though it's been a couple of years, it's reassuring to know that nothing has changed, he is still the same way.  I know I knew this anyway, but I still feel good about it.

CB, I'm in the UK, so it's afternoon here.... but hopefully you will get lots more beauty sleep....  Thank you for saying how hard it would be to untangle with a little one in the picture... yes, I can imagine that now, and it's not a pretty site. 

What are our hopes and dreams for our little one.... at the moment he/she will be happy and healthy.  This will be our first child, so I am hoping for a happy and contented baby.  My hubby is mainly worried that I'm going to turn into the evil witch of the west due to my hormones (after seeing one of our friends recently with their 5 week old), and he's worried about all the change.  I'm worried that I'm not going to be a good mum (Actually I used to be so sure I was going to be a crap mum that throughout my 20's I always said I'd never have children), and I'm worried how I'll cope as my hubby works away in the week, but I do have a good network of family and friends around us.  I feel like I'm trying to do a crash course in childcare at the moment.....

The people on this site never cease to amaze me, and your responses are so helpful......

Love H&H xx
Here's a little hug for u
To make you smilie while ur feeling blue
To make u happy if you're sad
To let u know, life ain't so bad
Now I've given a hug to u
Somehow, I feel better too!
Hugs r better when u share
So pass one on & show u care

oc

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2007, 09:43:30 AM »
Hey H:  I totally understand the need to expose the n for who they are but I have found it just doesnt matter.  They will spin it to look like you are the one with the problem.  I guess in a way I was fortunate to work with my n because she exposed herself after years-she could not hide it!  So as awful as it has been for me, the truth has been told.  He you do not have that luxury just have no contact and be done with it!  Hugs

Sela

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2007, 10:37:34 AM »
Hello H&H!   Glad you're here and I've missed you!

Congratulations on your pregnancy and on using your voice!

You will be a fine mother!  You have the desire and the incentive and can learn what you need to know.  Good for you for crash coursing.....keep reading and asking those you admire and mostly.....remembering what you felt like as a child (that empathy will be your best parenting skill!!).

As to your voice......you used it!  You said your peace!  You were even heard by a couple of people!  That's great!  It's the best anyone can do.

I wonder if you were hoping your biodad would fess up........confess.....express sorrow/remorse......make some attempt to reconcile?  It's his rejection (his lies....failure to protect you....trying to make you out to be at blame etc) that must be most painful?  So sorry he's like this (((((((((H&H)))))))).  He is.  He's not likely going to change and I think you are very wise to end all contact now......to be finished being saturated with his garbage......to prevent him from doing the same or worse with your own children......to stop the cycle of abuse!  Good for you!!

It takes courage to end relationships with family.  But I think we want to believe people like this are our family and the truth is.....they are not.  They are sperm donors and nothing more.  Haha!!  Wish I'd thought of that when I was much younger and I'd have told the world my father was a sperm donor!!  And not feel guilty about saying it either because it's true!!

Take care of you and your precious child now H&H.  Don't worry another minute about what anyone thinks.  You know the truth.  You have spoken the truth.  That's all a person can do.  Now, it's time to move on to much better days ahead!!

Wishing you a very happy, healthy pregnancy and a child to match!!

 :D Sela

Healing&Hopeful

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2007, 11:15:14 AM »
Thank you ((((((((((OC))))))))))) (((((((((((Sela)))))))))))


OC - They will spin it to look like you are the one with the problem.  Every single time.... can't bear to be the one with the problem.  If they are shown as the one with the problem, how can they be all knowing and superior, looking down on us minians!

Sela - how are you doing?  I hope you've got something lovely planned for the weekend?  If not, you should have :o)

You will be a fine mother!  You have the desire and the incentive and can learn what you need to know.  Good for you for crash coursing.....keep reading and asking those you admire and mostly.....remembering what you felt like as a child (that empathy will be your best parenting skill!!).

You are too kind... I guess time will tell... but speaking of hopes, one thing I hope I never do is smack my child.... and the other thing I hope is that I'm strong enough to disapline (naughter stair/time out) so he/she doesn't end up spoilt.  I hope I have the foresight to accept them them as they are and give them what they need to grow and develop, emotionally and physically....

I wonder if you were hoping your biodad would fess up........confess.....express sorrow/remorse......make some attempt to reconcile?  It's his rejection (his lies....failure to protect you....trying to make you out to be at blame etc) that must be most painful?  So sorry he's like this (((((((((H&H)))))))).  He is.  He's not likely going to change and I think you are very wise to end all contact now......to be finished being saturated with his garbage......to prevent him from doing the same or worse with your own children......to stop the cycle of abuse!  Good for you!!

Actually, I didn't think for one minute he would fess up, express any sorrow or remorse, or try and reconcile.... it's the blame game I can't stand, and it's this I wanted to expose him of, which I do feel I've achieved.  I wanted him to stop saying "my daughters disowned me" because it was a lie.  Maybe it's made no difference, but it has already made a difference because the sentence has been removed by the site admin staff from his original post.  It's created awareness, and a lot of members did read it, as it created a bit of a hoo haa, even though the post was closed (I agreed for it to be closed also), it was left up until the next day so he had chance to read it.

Maybe it's not the best way to do things but I guess when you're options are limited, maybe it was the best way... and yes, at least I did speak to the truth...

Take care

Love H&H xx
Here's a little hug for u
To make you smilie while ur feeling blue
To make u happy if you're sad
To let u know, life ain't so bad
Now I've given a hug to u
Somehow, I feel better too!
Hugs r better when u share
So pass one on & show u care

oc

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2007, 12:30:22 PM »
If it made you feel better than more power to you.  If it can come back to haunt you then you made a mistake.  If he has no power over you after you exposed him then good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You see, in my case, I can be disinherited and there is a lot at stake so I am going to try not to smear her even though I REALLY WANT TO!!

Healing&Hopeful

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2007, 12:39:41 PM »
If it made you feel better than more power to you.  If it can come back to haunt you then you made a mistake.  If he has no power over you after you exposed him then good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You see, in my case, I can be disinherited and there is a lot at stake so I am going to try not to smear her even though I REALLY WANT TO!!

Hi OC

I'm pretty sure that I've been disinherited.... it would give him pleasure probably and was one of the things Mum warned me about before my wedding, however he's 59 now and knowing my luck would live until he's 100... another 40 years of putting up with his blaming and shite.... for what, a modest rundown house that would need gutting before any self respecting person would buy it and a clapped out old car.... I value my happiness and my family's happiness over that any day.  I could have kept in his life and because of the inconsistancy of his behaviour, still have been cut out of his will.

Take care

H&H xx
Here's a little hug for u
To make you smilie while ur feeling blue
To make u happy if you're sad
To let u know, life ain't so bad
Now I've given a hug to u
Somehow, I feel better too!
Hugs r better when u share
So pass one on & show u care

oc

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2007, 10:39:20 AM »
Well You must be young he your dad is only 59 and you are preg.  Congrats on breaking the cycle of abuse at a much younger age than I.  I was around 42 And now I am 47 And I am still trying to remove myself from my mom.  It has been a difficult process because I get a great wage and flexibility that is hard to find.  And I would not be surprised if I got nothing because she hates me.

Stormchild

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2007, 10:51:41 AM »
Kell, what monetary value do you place on your life, your freedom, and your sanity?

That's the math I had to do, and I've never regretted it. I know I came out ahead...
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

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oc

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2007, 11:03:48 AM »
I know but I do not need to completely cut myself out,  I just need to not work with her.  I have successfully put up pretty good boundaries in all areas except work.  But she never ceases to amaze me.  We have an area of the newspaper where you can put birthday pics, etc. and I had done it for my daughter yesterday and today I got an email from her asking if I had remembered to do it.  From anyone else it would be ok.  From her it is an example of not trusting I am capable.  And that is it!

Stormchild

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2007, 11:10:41 AM »
Sounds more like she's deliberately pushing your buttons.

Yep, you definitely need not to work with her. And I know how hard you have been trying to find another place to work... I hope and pray that something really good works out for you in that way, and soon.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

oc

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #13 on: March 31, 2007, 12:32:28 PM »
I do not think she is pushing my buttons.  She really thinks she has to control everything and that I will not tend to the details.  She is known for micro managing and it is offensive to our very competent employees.  It has become more than an irritant to me-now it just fuels my anger and resolve.

Healing&Hopeful

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Re: I did something very stupid!
« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2007, 03:16:47 AM »
The dream about your husband - the nightmare, I should say - might just be your subconscious telling you in very dramatic terms that protection of your family from your biological father is going to be up to you, not something your husband can do for you; you're the one who has to stand firm and lock the door - if that is where you are headed. At the gentlest extreme, it's still you who has to stand firm and define the boundaries.

The dream might also be warning you about things that threaten your family harmony - and an openly slanderous N parent can certainly be a threat to a family's harmony.


Hi Storm.....

You may be onto something here.... last night I had a dream and although my husband was hurt, I was tending to his wounds and bandaging him.

Maybe I did just need to be totally sure he was not going to be coming back into our lives.

Take care

H&H xx
Here's a little hug for u
To make you smilie while ur feeling blue
To make u happy if you're sad
To let u know, life ain't so bad
Now I've given a hug to u
Somehow, I feel better too!
Hugs r better when u share
So pass one on & show u care