About new memories in our overloaded state----

[isittoolate]

When I am introduced to someone, I never remember the face or the name IF, at the time, I think I will never seem that person again! (How often I have been caught unaware!),

When I am introduced to someone who I know I will see again, I remember the name and face, but then that person must re-appear in the same spot. What if we meet in a Drug Store instead of at the office? She is a ‘foreigner’ to me. (If my bank teller is in the Pig ‘N Whistle then I don’t know her—really!)

There are 80 apartments in my building. I say ‘Hi’, with a happy smiling face and we might never know one another’s name but we say ‘Hello’ and I never remember anyone, except the one who lives above me and who sounds like a large rat!

OK a biggie—ever go to a movie with the N and come out not knowing a damned thing about the movie? I have! A number of times.

As these years have passed and I watch for good movies on TV, I get into them and déjà vu—or was it just a Preview? It was a whole movie I saw with the N, but the 'sitting on eggshells' made me not see/remember most all. It was like, “Why is he not holding my hand? —Why IS he holding my hand? —Why is his arm around me?—Why isn’t his arm around me? —And on and on and then the movie is over and I am thankful he doesn’t discuss afterward!!

I didn't used to be this way!

Izzy
Addendum: I thought of this topic because I am watching 'Enemy of the State', and I know he and I saw it and I have yet to recognize a scene!

The same happened with "Cider House Rules, except for one scene

[Overcomer]

It sounds to me you must be terribly distracted-or at least you were.  Maybe you were hyper vigilant and had to keep your eyes on the viper in order to be safe.  If that is the case and he is gone then try to focus more.  He he is around, get RID of him!

[James73]

Hey Izzy, sounds to me like you wanted to make him so happy that you forgot about your needs totally, I can relate, you lose yourself so totally that your wants and needs are non existent and your sole purpose is to please the other partner, hmmmm perhaps my ex girlfriend was an N after all, makes sense, DOH!! 
 
James

[isittoolate]

Ho OC and James

The N is long gone....................................

But OC used the right word. hyper-vigilant. That is me now and so concerned with remembering faces and names within the work circle that that fact blocks my remembering them.

It might have been that I became hyper-vigilant when with the N, and it continued when he didin't.

Izzy

[Margo]

When I am introduced to someone, I never remember the face or the name IF, at the time, I think I will never seem that person again! (How often I have been caught unaware!),

When I am introduced to someone who I know I will see again, I remember the name and face, but then that person must re-appear in the same spot. What if we meet in a Drug Store instead of at the office? She is a ‘foreigner’ to me. (If my bank teller is in the Pig ‘N Whistle then I don’t know her—really!)

There are 80 apartments in my building. I say ‘Hi’, with a happy smiling face and we might never know one another’s name but we say ‘Hello’ and I never remember anyone, except the one who lives above me and who sounds like a large rat!

OK a biggie—ever go to a movie with the N and come out not knowing a damned thing about the movie? I have! A number of times.

As these years have passed and I watch for good movies on TV, I get into them and déjà vu—or was it just a Preview? It was a whole movie I saw with the N, but the 'sitting on eggshells' made me not see/remember most all. It was like, “Why is he not holding my hand? —Why IS he holding my hand? —Why is his arm around me?—Why isn’t his arm around me? —And on and on and then the movie is over and I am thankful he doesn’t discuss afterward!!

I didn't used to be this way!

Izzy
Addendum: I thought of this topic because I am watching 'Enemy of the State', and I know he and I saw it and I have yet to recognize a scene!

The same happened with "Cider House Rules, except for one scene

Have you ever had the feeling of laughing BIGand crying BIG at the same time?  Sort'a like your face is about to throw up, what..... you can't be sure?  I felt that as I read your post and yes.... I recognize a lot of what you're explaining in your post.  Margo

[isittoolate]

No Margo

I  never felt that way, but I am glad you understood my post. I am hyper-vigilant! I see it! Looking over my shoulder to see who is there, as though I amexpecting trouble, yet feel safe at the same time. Weird!

Izzy

[pennyplant]

It might have been that I became hyper-vigilant when with the N, and it continued when he didin't.

Hi Izzy,

Maybe I'm projecting, and I do that a lot, but I became hyper-vigilant as soon as I figured out what my parents' requirements of me were and it intensified once I figured out that my little sister ruled the roost.  That would be from toddler-hood onwards for me.  I can't remember NOT being hyper-vigilant.

So... from what I remember you saying about your FOO, I just assumed you needed to be hyper-vigilant to survive your up-bringing....

About memories.... My memory works better at some times than at other times.  I suspect I'm naturally a pretty dreamy, forgetful type person.  Due to hyper-vigilance, I became something of a memory over-achiever.  Now that I've decided to go the natural route and reach way back behind my heart for what I'm really like, my forgetfulness kind of scares me sometimes.  My hope is that I will learn to naturally remember things better, more accurately, when I also learn how to be more in the moment and more outside my head.    Stop worst-casing my life and just take it in a little more.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

I have a memory like the kind of cheese with holes in it...whatsitsname....oh yeah, Swiss!
Here's the only tactic that works for me. I am tired of apologizing for it because although I'm sure some kinds of efforts will make it easier, I am too lazy. So this is what I do (new people at church is the best example):

"I am happy to meet you, Beelzebub. Welcome! I want to tell you I have a terrible time remembering names, so please, the next few times we run into each other, please...just tell me your name again. You'll be doing me a big favor, I appreciate it so much!"

Usually people respond with laughter and memory tales of their own, and most will actually remember that I can't remember! So it works out okay. (As to the jillions of faces I should've been remembering the last 20 years, I just have to say things like, this is ridiculous and I hate to admit it, but I'm having a memory moment and I've drawn a total blank on your name!)

I also pipe up in meetings and ask that we go around with first names every time we meet until I get it. Other people usually say, I'm so glad you did that.

For me the issue is about letting go of shame. I'm having memory problems? Oh, that means I'm having memory problems, so I'll ask your assistance. Emotion-neutral.

love
Hops

[isittoolate]

Hi pennyplant

I rather suspect you are right and that I have been hypervigilant longer than I guessed.
Since we use only 5% of our brain power--imagine all those forgotten images that are bogging things down along with those we remember.

Wouldn't we all be something if we could use 100%??????

Hi Hops
Your message reminded me that I have often mentioned my memory problem, but never took it the same step further as you did in asking them to tell you again. I just said I hope I remember your name the next time we meet--or something like that--

I know we have talked about shame before.
I really dislike to say anything against my new Therapist, but when I mentioned about having no voice when I was little, she asked what I meant--I used 'voicelessness too. Also, she appears to be not all caught up in the  shame thing--yet anyway. We are just getting to get into things.  She also does not like to use labels i,e, Narcissist,  but knows what one is in the basic sense of feeling important, etc, but never mentioned the Disorder........... of what the Ns have managed to do to destroy others' self-esteem.  As in the case of my ex SIL, she is talking 'abuse"  not the N control etc.

I really hope we work out. I usually give at least 10 visits to see if I feel we are connecting.

Both

These are symptoms of a Personality Disorder:
A. A pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

• neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family
  almost always chooses solitary activities
  has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person ?
  takes pleasure in few, if any, activities
  lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives ?
  appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others
  shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity

That is Schizoid.
I would rather have that label than the disconnected label-- as I take that as just wanting to be alone and reasonably content with it--and keeping away from people who are toxic.

Later
Love
Izzy

[WRITE]

I forgot my address yesterday! Stress symptom....

I always forget who people are out of context if I don't know them well though, even if I'm not stressed.