Thanks to Sunny, I am reading "Controlling People". Sunny, I drove 40 miles north and picked it up at Barnes & Noble, used my debit card and put a book cover one it, "Believing God" by Beth Moore.
anyway, I read some profound stuff this morning, so profound I had to write it down. Here it is:
We can best see our inner reality when it is reflected back to us without distortion.
children who are nurtured, supoprted, and clearly mirrored by their caretakers can see themselves clearly. If not, they let others define who they are.
It is senseless to tell someone that what they are experiencing isn't what they are experiencing.
We learn to describe and accept our personal experiences when it is accurately named my another (with empathy). We give it a conscious thought. If not, we may experience mistreatment as normal.
How's that for answering my own question. I know if I point this out to my H he will listen because he loves his boys and doesn't want them to grow up with issues like he has. I will tell him I got it out of Christianity Today magazine. Excerpts from a book "I forgot to write down"
. All these things will help my boys,12 & 9, grow up with a healthy self image. When kids aren't validated, they get disconnected from who they are and in turn, let others define them. I can see this is why my H is sucking the life out of me. He is using me to define him and needs my validation. He demands my positive validation. He has used manipulation and control to get it.
CB: I wish you wouldn't have edited. I really want to know those thoughts. I don't like pretty pictures painted, leaving out what I think could be important. It is ok with me to hear your experiences. It's ok to disagree. My boys were at a Christian school and it closed. I had pulled my 9yo out of school mid-year, 1st grade, because he wasn't reading. We started 1st gr. over with A Beka. It left a bad taste in his mouth for school and he just doesn't want to go back to a school. He is only in 3rd grade now, so I am not too concerned. My 12 yo begged me to homeschool when the school closed. This is my second year with him. He is going to a school next year. At the age of 12, I understand that he needs to get away from under mom, and find who he is as he grows into a man. We have a huge circle of homeschool friends...mostly boys, as in, everything the homeschoolers do, it is always a huge group of boys. We all camp together too. I don't think I am hurting him by not exposing him to more friends. He is also involved in sports where he has lots of friends.
What did you edit??? I want to know the bad thoughts. I want to know if my pie-in-the-sky ideals are just that. You have walked the same path....help me see clearly! I won't be offended and hate you!
I thought you had good advice and I didn't detect anything nasty. I know we are all in this together, a bond, and we don't wish to hurt one another, heck, haven't we already been hurt enough? I know you mean well or are "good-willed". The super-mom thing...I realize I can't do it all. Only one big problem her, my H expects it all. I feel like I have to send my boys to school so I can: keep the house clean enough for him; be welcoming when he gets home from work rather than stressed trying to get dinner ready; not be tired at night so I have energy for him; have time to sit with him and adore him; and it goes on and on, all for HIM. Homeschooling is taking important time and energy away from him...it is all about him. Even Iif I tried, I could never give him all the attention he needs and I have told him so. He looks to me for his happiness, as I've told him, and he did discover that I alone can't make him happy, only Jesus can do that.
Last night we had this conversation about public speaking. A girl in my youth group is validictorian of her class and has to make a speech at graduation. she is very nervous about it and wants to bring her faith into it. I was telling my H about this and he went on and on about exactly what she should do and how she should do it. I said, "wow, sounds like you would be a great public speaker(he's not). When ever you get up to speak your voice gets all shakey." First he got defensive and said, " that's just my thoughts". He agreed and said he gets physically sick to his stomach when he has to make a speech. then he told me about in high school he had to give a speech at the annual sports banquet and how hard it was. I asked what his dad said...he couldn't remember him being there. (his dad is the source of his issues so I wanted to probe). Where am I going with this!!!
Maybe I will remember and continue later...
My H always talks as if he knows evrything. Lays it all out for me what I should say, word for word. And however I respond (something as to, boy you know, or how do you know) he always comes back with, "that's just my opinion". He did this with my youth group girl. He conjured up a plan for her. Imparted his wisdom.
I need to get going here....CB tell me, talk to me, lay it on thick...if I am naive here...tell me! anyone else??? You have all been in my shoes. Help me out here. Get me thinking about things.
MaryKay with big shoulders and an open mind
