I broke my leg a few weeks ago. I had surgery on it one week ago. I cannot walk and have been on crutches for three weeks. I do most everything for myself. Try to. Have to. I have 6 children. Most are pretty self sufficient; ages 8, 10, 11, 14, 15. And they help me mostly. My husband has done minimal stuff. Barely minimal. But I have a two and a half year old. I have needed some help with him. My husband, who is his own boss, claims he cannot help me, and when he tried for two hours one day after the children all went back to school after a two week break (year-round school) he ended up throwing a temper tantrum complete with throwing of dishes and yelling for the two year old drawing on himself after being left unattended by him for 20 minutes.
I am upset, shaking and scared. Because he is raging and scary. And stuck sitting on my couch watching the tantrum. Helpless. He finally comes to his senses and then comes over to "apologize" and make excuses and tell me how hard it has been on HIM! Of course he won't say it but.....it's all my fault. He is just so overwhelmed. Truth is he freaks out like that pretty regularly, is always 'stressed' out and losing control. I get upset (annoyed or teary or scared) and he blames ME for being upset for HIS tantrums. Like crying upset. He doesn't believe me when I tell him I am scared of him and he is always mad or raging when he is home I have a stomach ache. The kids are afraid and upset. He likes to tell me I am overly sensitive. (He only shocks me so bad by his behavior once in a while enough to bring me to tears anymore). Then he tells me I won't talk to him and I have this cold shell of armour that he can't break through. This stuff he tells me in the same conversation. Contradictions---I think. (overly sensitive & armoured and distant) Am I wrong here? He is contstantly acting horridly, then blaming ME for being upset with HIM. As if I was the one being unreasonable. He should just get let off the hook no matter WHAT he does!
So, on this day, he insists he needs his mothers help. His mother is 70, is way TOO involved in our life as it is, (by him), and getting ready for major surgery next week. I have written about their inappropriate relationship before and my opinion is that it is emotionally incestuous. (sp?) It is and I know it. I brought it to both of their attention a few months back during a fight in which he invited her to (under the guise of getting the kids out of the way for a while). I told them I felt they were married and I was the mother. Neither of them took that very well. She and I hadn't spoken since then until my accident, and he admitted that night after she left that he was way too involved with her but wasn't really willing to do anything about it. So.......the main question is what came up today------
He doesn't want to take our kids to get new jeans today (Saturday). Claims he is too busy since he has to get groceries, which he was also trying to squirm out of. I bought a couple of them the wrong size jeans at Christmas, and the boys have worn their knees out. The little ones. The size was too big by one so the way they are growing I just figured we would hang on to them. They could wear them, but they were a bit long. No biggie, it's almost short pant season anyway. And he has kept us broke enough since Christmas with his schemes that I didn't dare spend the extra money. He asks me if I wouldn't mind if he asks his mother and grown sister with two severely handicapped children to take my kids out to try on new jeans today. Something he has been promising them all week to do himself.
I am a bit astonished he is trying to push this onto her and his sister today like this. And force me to agree. He asks me this on the phone while he is out "running errands" (but really just trying to get out of the house so the kids can clean it. I try to say we can handle it as nicely as possible and they don't need to be bothered by that. My feeling is that is my territory (especially in this weird situation where I feel he is trying to replace me by her anyway) and it has gone so long by now what's another few days. He finds someone he can push around and he really crosses the line. Uses them. He uses her. Abuses her too and she abuses him right back. (It's lovely, really)
I know he won't explain WHY they have no jeans now and then I know I will be the one made to look like a neglectful mother. I don't say any of this trying not to tick him off, but he is ticked anyway because I didn't just say yes and he has to be a father and man today if he wants them to get pants so bad. And he started a huge fight with me calling me overly sensitive again. I can't even defend myself because then he would be really mad if I told him be a father and go get his kids pants even if he has to miss sitting on his butt in front of a movie in his home-theater tonight. He thinks he is being deprived because he hasn't been able to watch a movie all week. Like usual. He has been making excuses to stay away until midnight or later almost all week and forced his mother to tend my littlest during the day while he goes out and tries to shake down some income. By conning people into "investments" in his business. He finally has some real business--first thing in 6 months and he is making it sound like the hardest thing he ever had to do. A deal that would usually take 10 hours or so mysteriously has consumed his entire week until late into the evening.
So am I being overly sensitive? I did finally start to cry after he started getting angry at me for saying I preferred his mom didn't take our kids pants shopping. I already feel I am losing touch with them and judged by the mother-in-law. He starts in on me for an hour saying I have all these problems and I won't talk to him----he doesn't listen anyway. Or care. Uses what I say against me. Judges me. Tells me I am wrong. Whatever. I need counseling. He hasn't wanted to be married for over a year now, but he loves me more than anything. I am a mental wreck, but I am too shut down emotionally. BUT, then I am TOO sensitive! He loves me, he hates me. Basically. I can't seems to do anything right. But that is what he tells me. He can't seem to do anything right for me. BUT he doesn't know what he would do without me, I am his best friend. I am so sweet. Blah, blah blah.....He insists I will still be mad at him for freaking out and throwing dishes the other day and yelling at the two year old. Still trying to get out of that one. Trying to make me apologize for something HE did! So he can get excused. And do it again and get off free and clear. No consequences.
Bottom Line: Am I being unreasonable????? With the pants thing? I almost called his mom to fill her in on what a lovely boy her son REALLY is. Cause he has her "snowed". He makes her think I am the screwball. And he is the wonderful doting husband. Has his whole family thinking that.
Wonder how she would like to hear about his nonsense? Maybe I oughtta tell her about his sexual addiction to internet porn. This is why I think he has been staying late at work. This stuff I know he has been doing and we have had discussions about this over the last 4-5 years after I saw how involved he was and got a little creeped out by his bedroom talk. I wonder if she would like to know he has lied to his "investors" and spent all their money on living expenses. All the while sitting on his butt doing nothing to make the money himself. Using our last dimes to pay them their monthly payments and leaving his family without groceery money. Wonder if she'd like to hear how he rages at everyone at home all the time. Makes everything happens his way, and on his schedule. And all the other crap he has done, but this is already too long to go into. And then rakes me over the coals for having any problems with any of it. Blaming me for being unreasonable. Calling me whatever he needs to keep me in an emotional roller coaster and feeling guilty and afraid and obligated and alone -----so I will leave him alone to do as he pleases.
Claims he loves me, I am everything to him. He would be lost without me. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, right. Why don't I feel any of that? What an idiot. Me too, I just realized again.
For putting up with any of this. He really had me believeing today I was being a bit**. And emotionally messed up and unreasonable. And guilty. And willing to give it a shot again. Must be the pain killers I have to take so I am not writhing from pain from the surgery.
But I am stuck here for now. Until my leg heals and I can walk. This has been a devasting blow to me having this happen and I don't know why. But like others have said, I will stay stoic, calm, and plan plan plan! I have to. I even called him up to apologize and offered to call his mom to do this "favor" just to buy more time to heal and keep the peace for now. He even "accidentally" hung up on me while I was telling him something personal about how I feel and then called back to yell at me for not picking the phone back up fast enough and then not really being enthused to open up to him again. Blamed me for his mistake and insensitivity again.
Wow.....Thanks for giving me the space to rant again! Trying to keep a lid on it. Sometimes he really messes with my mind though. I wonder if maybe I am being unreasonable and weird. He wants me to go to counseling. I nicely say---it hasn't been financially feasable honey. I'd LIKE to because heaven knows he doesn't want to hear about anything I have to say. Then he gets mad cause then I have insulted his pride to provide!
So I never nag or ask about money. I just hold my breath hoping he will bring it in as promised. Promises the world and then falls pathetically short. Barely providing necessities of life. He can't pay for our houses, but yet insists on living in the finest neighborhoods he can find. Driving the nicest cars he can get. Paying stupid amounts for stupid things. Paying for his toys before bills. Bringing the stress onto himself. Then complains and excuses his awful behavior saying he is like this and doing all this for me and the kids. But he is sure to tell me how bad he hates his life. And he really would reather die. Almost monthly now. I beg to move into a smaller house, but he won't. The kids tell him how unhappy they are, but he turns around and decides to have a pissing contest (sorry) with the wealthy people next door to try to keep up with the "Jones".
I can't let anyone is my house for fear someone will come looking or calling for money while they are here. Or maybe my power will get shut off. I had to totally cut off contact with my FOO, based somewhat on their involvement in a cult which I no longer can be a part of and a lot because I am embarrassed about my life and he has forced me to borrow from them over the years but won't let me pay them back. And I know if I was speaking to them, he would send me to beg from them again. they don't have much to give and might not do it and that is too hard to bear any longer. He makes fun of them, always has, and then tells me I am wrong for going no contact with them. Somehow he always make it seems like I am the goofball who can't think straight or get along with anyone. I get friends and he tries to get sexual about them. If they are female, and men are out of the question of course. Or he insults them to me so much I just have to let them go cause he is cold to them and my life is too messy for anyone to see anyway. He has made me only depend on him and when I finally have to, he is nowhere to be found and being more emotionally draining than usual. Says I am overly sensitive to his rages! How does that make sense? Now I am back to square one. This is just ridiculous. Now he goes on today about how he wants only me forever. He isn't interested in anybody else. I feel like I am just spinning in circles, but in my case I guess that would be more like spinning on my bum-eh? Since me legs are out of commission! Ha ha, no really, it's my head that is spinning.
Oh my heavens, I just wrote a chapter when I really thought I just wanted to ask a question. Feels so much better to have it out of my head. I got a chance to because he actually went grocery shopping. Wonder! And he didn't make his mom go take my kids clothes shopping. Doesn't like it, but he didn't after all. My little stands are so small and turn into such big issues it makes me want to not ever stand for anything. I didn't even realize this would be such a big deal. Didn't know I was making a stand really, but it was so absurd on so many levels when all is taken into consideration for him to ask her that especially when he CAN do it himself. What a twit.
Whew! Done for now, I think. I don't even know if any of this makes sense any more. Hope so, my brain is a lot more clear. If you made it this far, thanks.
Namaste,
Sunny
