Therapy 4--now we'll get somewhere.

[isittoolate]

Today was the day Therapist finally asked about the HOW of the estrangement with my daughter.

I related it all as though I were reading Cinderella. No emotion left about it at all; as that was the point I really cracked and then tucked it all away.

Therapist recognized the emotional abuse from SIL to daughter, to children, then how she was ‘trapped’. How she could have felt ‘abandoned by me’. Time was up when she said, “Well, we have a lot to talk about!”

SIL is now X and has the eldest child.

Love Izzy

[gratitude28]

Iz,
Are you happy to have dug down and gotten to some new area? I can't tell from your post what you are feeling. I also am unsure exactly of the situation. Do you want to describe it some more? I'd love to listen.
Love, Beth

[isittoolate]

Hi Beth,
I am not feeling much at all. That is me and why I am in therapy.

Son in law is an N. I didn't know about Ns in 1983. He met my daughter and sucked her in; it sounded as though she was on the defensive, though, when she told me about him. She was 19. He was 31. I hated him right off the bat. She came home that summer only twice and neglected all her hometown friends (and me) for him, as she was heading off to University, after a great showing in school to date.

Before summer's end she announced they would marry the next Juune (1984) I asked her to please wait. If it was real love it would last but please let me put her through University.

She (sounding not like herself, but brainwashed) said, "We are getting married whether you like it or not and if you don't you don't have to be there".

I knew it was him talking. I figured he was after my $$$ and after a wedding and 7 years of marriage and a debt to me of $55,000.00 he evicted me from "his" property" to never set foot on it again.

I did as I was told, as I had done all my life.

I drove away that day and knew I had seen my daughter and 2 grandchildren (4˝ and 2) for the last time.

---to be continued--the never ending story----

Love Izzy


Edit in: She had to drop out of University as he couldn't afford it. She finally got her degree after she left him and worked and schooled at the same time as raising the 3 kids (all she took from the divorce) while he took on the debts and I sued him. Final payment was about 1˝ years ago.

Iz

[Gaining Strength]

Iz - of course you don't feel anything.  The pain is too great.  You have to protect yourself.  A week is a long time to wait when you have just opened up about something that is so difficult.  I admire you for going through with the therapy.  I hope you will find some solace in time to come. - Gaining Strength

[gratitude28]

That is a rough situation, Iz. It sounds like he was a real jerk. As much as you don't wish to lay any blame at your daughter's feet (it seems to me), she made her choices.
It sounds to me like you ahve a good therapist who is finding the issues that need to be brought out.I have always wondered if I would trust a therapist. How about you? Do you trust her?
Beth

[isittoolate]

Thank you GS

I wonder about the outcome.

and Beth

As the therapist put it, she was 'trapped' at that point. I know she made her choice, but what if he threatened her, as he did me, that if I returned, the shotgun would put a hole right through my windshied and my forehead.

Yes! I trust this therapist!

Love Izzy

[Hopalong]

I trust her too, Iz.

Stay open to mystery, possibility...

Hops

[axa]

Izzy,

So glad that you are feeling safe with your T.  I am always so impressed with the energy and care you give on this board.  Your empathy for others is always apparant to me.  Maybe this is the beginning of you experiencing empathy for yourself.  Therapy is hard work, it really is the road less travelled.  I often relate to your shut down position, this is where I was when I began therapy many many moons ago.  It gets better but it is tough.  I know the only way I survived was to stop feeling and become numb.  It takes a long time to thaw the frozen feelings but with gentle support and care it is possible.

xxxxxxxx axa

[camper]

I am new so I have to ask Izzy, If your daughter is no longer with SIL, don't you see her anymore?  What is going on there?  It breaks my heart that you can't see your grandchildren.  I have one and I have him every other weekend, all weekend.  Summers I have him weeks at a time.  I couldn't imagine not seeing him!  Oh, the pain must be deep!

[isittoolate]

Thanks axa and camper

My shut down feeling began very young re my FOO. Some things brought me out of it slightly when I fell in love then had his baby.

Then I had to leave him re alcoholism and physical abuse. I shut down again. I so disliked being hurt and in pain. I had no empathy for me. I believed I deserved every rotten thing that happened.

Then the car crash and wheelchair and would my daughter still love this 'different ' mommy after being away in hosptal for a year. This was a big fear of mine that I allowed to 'get out of control', but it was still the two of us until the N came into her life and thus she and I did not agree from 1983, because of him, but I did stupid thiings to not lose her. I must have been pathetic.----loaning all that money to him.

The estangement came 7 years later so there are actually 24 years of "walking on eggshells" over her and him and revenge he is taking on her by brainwashing the eldest child, now 20, and this past Xmas taking the younger son, 14.  (He was back with his mother in 3 days tho')

camper, I just left my daughter alone, as I expected she wanted, even when I heard she had left him. She then went back to University and worked and raised the kids. Was busy and never contacted me. I think I became a little more numb, but was trying to understnad her busy position etc. She got her Degree and has her own midwifery business, so she came out well in that respect but she is also in therapy, as are her two childrern re their N father.

Then I met my own N 1998 (still didn't know about Ns yet) and suffered with his emotional abuse for 4 years---left him 5 years ago. and shut down even further.

So I have a long climg upward and where do I start?

Parents are dead--and all siblings over 60 now, daughter is 42 and capable of making her own decisions. etc.--- never know what is ahead and I am now 2000 miles away from her. (moved with the N)

There are many aspects to the story but that's a brief (?) outline.

Love Izzy

[Hopalong]

Ever thought about a visit?
Just take your chances?

Go see her. Book a hotel room before you call her house.
Tell her you're in town and would like to come by.

See what happens?

Hops

[isittoolate]

Thanks Hops

All of you have to remember about accessibility. All my Foo and my daughter have houses with so many steps and an upstairs bathroom, or a little downstairs one too narrow for the chair.

I was 'sick; about going to there places all the time I was in Ontario.

I once said to my brother that he really ought to have a sign for one side of his driveway so that I didn't have to park all the way down the street. He did it---the rest--well they are entitled to have the houses they want---but I am also entitled to refuse to make an ass out of myself by crawling up 14 steps, or wetting my pants. I am a dignified person!

What my mother would do, if she knew about something in advance was to stop drinking, and she would be so dehydrated that she didn't have to use the bathroom. I will not do that either!!

Unnnnnnnstannnnnn?

Love Izzy

[Hopalong]

Sure do.
Unless you called and asked them to meet you at a simple pub somewhere...
sometimes difficult reunions are more relaxed on neutral turf anyway.

Hops

[isittoolate]

Hi Hops

Have a look at Canada! 
I am the black sheep: 
4 siblings and daughter are the 5 red stars. I think it would be an expensive whiskey sour!

Love Izzy

[Gaining Strength]

Izzy - on a lighter note - I love you graphics.  I admire your ability. 

I hear your anger.  That is a feeling.  I encourage you to let it out more and more.  Under that anger lie the other feelings.  They are suppressed under the rage.  I know.  I have been there.  I have other feelings now and it is good.  Keep releasing that anger here.  It is safe to do so here.  You can do it and you will find the feelings coming back. 

Bring this to your therapist and get her feedback. - your friend - GS