A while back, someone who knew someone else that had influenced my life in a negative way, made the comment "how would you feel if I told your children and husband that you come and post about them on this board?" My response was along the lines of "go ahead. I'm perfectly allowed to share my feelings and they already KNOW how I feel about them anyway, so it's not anything I haven't discussed already with them."
Well, now is the time for me to share something. If I knew almost 20 years ago, about my husband, what I know now, I NEVER WOULD HAVE MARRIED HIM! The only thing is, I was in a really controlling situation with someone and I wanted OUT! He was my ticket OUT of the situation at the time.
Tonight we were at my sister in law's. The topic of their father's molesting her and her sister came up. I jumped on it, hoping she'd speak the truth right there for my husband to hear in front of me. She did. She admitted that, when their family was acting all close-knit in public, it was just that...an ACT. My husband's response was to shrug his shoulders, smirk and then retreat mentally into his mind and suddenly say his usual robotic phrase of "it's OVER and DONE with!" This is his defense mechanism for not having to face that this man, his "father" whom he idolized and tried to emulate, was a louse and a child abuser/molester. In order for him to grip that, he'd have to face that he came from that same man, and that truth is way too painful for him to face or accept and I know that.
When we got home, we fought BIG TIME over this. I want him to go to counseling so badly...have wanted it for years, but he refuses, saying it's ME with the problem and that our kids just want to leave home as soon as possible because of ME and my ANALYZING everyone. (which actually I don't really do all that much anymore). I looked him in the eye and said "NO! YOU ARE NOT PUTTING THAT ON ME! THIS MARRIAGE CONSISTS OF TWO PEOPLE! me and YOU and YOU are the other half of the issues here, buddy!"
He still sat there with that stupid smirk on his face, shrugging saying, "so?" and that just ticks me off even more. I just got up and went in the other room at that point, while he said "See? See? this is what you do...we're just having a discussion and you can't handle it so you get up and leave. See?" I walked back in the room and told him "My children have been saying they wanted to watch this movie about 5 times now." So, then, trying to look like HERO DADDY, he says "fine, let's just sit here and watch the movie now." At that point, I'd had enough and came in here to type this.
You see, I couldn't do ANYTHING to make X mentor stay with me or accept or approve me. I can't do anything to make my husband get out of denial and into acceptance of things or change in his life. He told me that one day he might just talk to his sister about things. I said "and listen with your HEART, NOT YOUR HEAD!!! HEAR HER HEART!" He said "but if I do decide to talk with her, you'll never know about it!" (this was a tactic he used years ago in the same exact words with me) ROBOTTTTTTTTT FRICKEN ROBOT!!! Same rote responses!
After that, I gave up. It's USELESS talking to someone that insane! and NO, I'm NOT planning to leave him, for anyone who decides that's a possible option. I'm happy in the familiar and I actually like my life other than the part where he's being dysfunctional about his past or irresponsible about some other things. He has a few good points, other than the OCD, N'ism, BPD, Avoidant PD, etc.
Believe it or not.
~L
