The Old Philosopher

[isittoolate]

The Old Philosopher

In the words of the old Philosopher~~~

When things go wrong
As they sometimes will
When the road you're travelling
Seems all uphill.
When the funds are low
And the debts are high
And you want to smile
But you have to cry.
When care is pressing you down a bit
Don't complain to me

I don't give a sh*t!

Don't look at ME!!!!!

[cats paw]

Izzy,

  I like your sense of humor!  It also seems that sometimes what can be viewed as just plain humor can sometimes speak to another more serious note to people.
  It must be good to have found a place where people really do give a s###.
  Also, I admire so much your doing for yourself what you are able to do for yourself.  I know that you probably think it was no big deal, just fact and necessity, but you are quite a contrast to my mother.  She has exibited a sense of entitlement all her life, and I have only been able to recognize it recently.
   
  If you don't want to answer, it's ok, and if I'm overstepping by asking, I apologize and will withdraw my query- but here goes: do you have any religious or philosophical beliefs that you rely on?

Cats paw

[isittoolate]

Thank you cats paw

My sense of humour is always there. Sometimes I use it to overshadow embarrassment, and sometines it's just part of a lively group! I don't spend much time in groups so maybe that is "lively person"!

"religious or philosophical beliefs that you rely on?"

That's a toughie for me. I believe there is a God, a Higher Power, because this huge Universe began somewhere........................

I sometimes think He is just shaking His head at me becasue I "just don't get it!" but then I think that He ought to know me well enough to send better clues!

The Golden Rule (in my signature) is the best I can do for a belief that seems fair all around!

I was raised to work hard , so have never been a slacker and I still do what I can for myself, as there are others less fortunate who really could use the help of others.

(Even in lineups at the store, I take my turn. I try to act as able bodied people would and the only thing I resent in that area is that people abuse the accessible parking signs)

(In retrospect, I sometimes remember that I was not Taught that God was a Loving God. I sense I am not in his favour.)

Love
Izzy

[James73]

Hey Izzy, Ive carried on our post on this thread as its easier  and Im glad you werent annoyed at anything i wrote as Id hate to upset you

You say you have no emotions at all which sounds to me like youre drained of energy and that life has got you down over the years so much so that youve almost given up on them and yourself, not the almost. YOu say that you would regain yourself in ten years only to die, now that is a very sad outlook on life and one that you must banish and it frustrates me that you are treating yourself this way so god only knows how frustrated you are! Hope is there for us all and if you live for ten years more thats a long time for anyone and you may very well live on for another 30 years +. Also time is bollocks, yep thats right, time stinks, we look at it counting down to our demise yet if we are so scared of dying we will never live. Say you do get your emotions back in ten years and then die in eleven, that would still be one fabulous year of happiness and a year of happiness that would taste and feel so wonderful and sweet you would be living the joy that we all only experience from time to time in our lives. That feeling should be worth fighting for. Also I dont think it will take you ten years to find yourself and even if it did it would be well worth the effort. You are a kind, charming, witty and lovely person who is obviously not given up on life as you are still striving to find yourself which is fantastic and you embody the human fighting sipirt. You must let go of the past, any fears you might have and to solely concenrate on something that makes you happy. I like your song which is very melancholy yet there is hope there still. You are not illogical, philosophcial nor insane when you say you have 0 emotions, you are just saying that you feel drained and running on empty, so the fact that you feel that you have emotions is in fact an emotion in itself, so therefore you have tons of emotions but they are mostly draining ones which can definately be turned around to be happy ones. We are all here with you, supporting you and I'm sending you my thoughts and prayers and happiness too!
James

[isittoolate]

Hi James
Last night I watched the Movie 'The Horse Whisperer'. There were times in it that in other circumstances the tears would have flowing. Last night nothing.

I use the word 'feel' as it is the word that fits if I could feel. Just as a blind person doesn't drop the word 'see' from his vocabulary.
I am saying this is a time I would have been embarrassed. This is a time I would laugh. This is a time when I would cry.

I am on two meds and I wonder if they have helped 'numb' me more. I'll ask my therapist.

So I live life as though I feel, and deal with very few people. I can crack jokes with the workmates or store clerks etc. because our contact in never lengthy. We also talk business, but I don't care for lengthy conversations that are deep. I might not agree with the person, but pretend to to avoid confrontation.

I care about my solitary existence, as I am not sad and depressed in it. I also am not afraid of death~~more afraid of life

Basically I feel/sense I am more stuck in neutral.

I don't know how people can forget about the past, as the past is what made us who we are today. My Therapist asks me about the past. She is trying to 'put me together' i.e. how I became what I am, and requires info that transpired in my past. If I had not examined my past, and researched myself online, I might have been harbouring more blame for certain people. Now I consider what certain people did that was 'wrong' I now consider what it made me 'feel', how I could have perceived it so wrong, so that I could end up 'defective' and I am free (of blaming anyone else) of bearing grudges. I can repeat the awful stories but they are reported without 'feeling'.

I disconnected at a very young age, and now must learn how to reconnect, but is my Therapist able to guide me to that end? I don't know. That's why I toss out a timeline of 10 years.

I used the word 'voiceless', or the term 'having no voice', and she ask me to explain what I meant, since I had used it twice. I have to wonder if all therapists are unaware of the term, or perhaps unaware of the "shame" theory.

Later
Izzy

[isittoolate]

As another post,
Are we having communication problems.? Am I not saying things as they are that I must write another message to explain?

This is a serious question, as my daughter acts as though she doesn't know whatIi am talkiing about and suggests I be more clear.

If I am not being clear, then ½ my thoughts remain in my head and don't make it to paper..
Izzy

[CB123]

Izzy,

I didnt realize you were taking meds.  They could definitely give you that "disconnected" feeling--depending on the med and the dose, or even when during the day that you take it.  Actually, if you are on an anti-anxiety med, that's kinda the whole point of taking them.

Check with your therapist. The meds could be doing exactly what they are supposed to do.  Or maybe you need a change of some sort. 

As far as not communicating, I think I understand what you are saying.  I don't think you're miscommunicating.  Do our responses seem appropriate to what you think you are saying?

Love,

CB

[isittoolate]

Thanks CB

The miscommunicating was actually for James.  There have only been 2-3 posts by the 2-3 others that I've have to explain better.

......but then you didn't know I was on meds. you see? If all the info is not there, something can be misconstrued... as my daughter says........or I wonder if she is being deliberately obtuse????? (although I wouldn't say that about you, James.)

I take Effexor and Lyrica-  the 1st being an anti-depressant, and the other for neurological pain, but is also for GAD (general anxiety disorder) and come to think of it, she asked about my meds, first visit, but that is all. I say it requires another discussion, yet again I have been feeling disconnected for longer than the meds.

The meds just make me more content to be disconnected? <tee hee>

all is well enough right now

Love IZZY

[Hops guest]

Hi Iz,
Do you think "splitting" may fit what happened to you when you disconnected from emotions, in your childhood?

Maybe it'd be worth asking your T...

(Don't worry if she doesn't fixate on the N label, imo...she sounds alert, smart, and focused...)

Hops

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,

This is a serious question, as my daughter acts as though she doesn't know whatIi am talkiing about and suggests I be more clear.

If I am not being clear, then ½ my thoughts remain in my head and don't make it to paper..
Izzy

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=linear+thinkers

Hope it's OK for me to bust  in on your thoughts to James.  The first thing that came to mind when I read the above, is that one of you (your daughter or you) is a linear thinker.  Don't know that for sure, and I'm not sure I understand exactly what it means, but the mind prompt sent me on a  search where I found lots of stuff on the subject.  I'll insert a  link on the subject.   I'm on the run right now, but want to do more reading on the subject to see if I can clear up some of my 'clear as mud' writing here on the board.  Let me know what you think.

By the way, I think I almost always get what you're trying to communicate and I find your writing style interesting and your expressions very entertaining.

tt
 

[teartracks]

Iz,

I think Hops suggestion that you split as a child may be valid.  I did.  One of my mind pictures is of the day it happened and why.   That mind picture became the key to unlocking the mystery of why and how I handed over my sould to Nparent at age two and a half.  The way I unravelled the mess was through emotional archaeology.  I want to urge you to take your time.  My worst enemy when I took the path of recovery was that I wanted to be well and NOW!  I didn't know then that there is a process to all this.  I didn't have a therapist.  I had no insurance and couldn't afford it.  I was as dumb as a box of rocks on every level.  While wanting to be well and right now wasn't the best attitude to have when I didn't have a clue how to go about finding wellness.  I did it the hard way by educating myself through books, online searches, and observation.  Having a therapist would have made it so much easier.  I'm glad you have one that sounds really on target, kind, sensitive, has ears that hear and a heart that cares.   I'm rambling.

Caring about how you're doing...

tt

[isittoolate]

Re splitting, it can also mean dissociation which can also mean:

From "wiki"
Emotional detachment, in psychology, can mean two different things. In the first meaning, it refers to an inability to connect with others on an emotional level, as well as a means of coping with anxiety by avoiding certain situations that trigger it; it is often described as "emotional numbing" or dissociation. In the second sense, it is a type of mental assertiveness that allows people to maintain their boundaries and psychic integrity when faced with the emotional demands of another person or group of persons.

My therapist said/used disconnected.

I suppose we are all on the same page

IZ

[isittoolate]

TT

Do I write like a linear thinker? I would call me logical, precise. Say it and get it done. Don't dress it up with big fancy words!

Iz

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,

Do I write like a linear thinker? I would call me logical, precise. Say it and get it done. Don't dress it up with big fancy words!

As I said, Iz, I think I almost always get what you write.  My point was that different ways of thinking  and processing information (say for instance you are a linear thinker compared to for instance, your daughter possibly being a conceptual thinker)  could account for  This is a serious question, as my daughter acts as though she doesn't know whatIi am talkiing about and suggests I be more clear..   It was just a thought that sent me to what looks like some interesting reading.  Don't know if you're a linear thinker.  Maybe you're a minimalist, more bang for your buck, concise thinker.     
 
tt

[James73]

Hey Izzy, sorry I lost the thread of our conversation some posts back but I read your one which said you were feeling better after speaking to your Therapist which is great news 
Hugs
James