Hi James
Last night I watched the Movie 'The Horse Whisperer'. There were times in it that in other circumstances the tears would have flowing. Last night nothing.
I use the word 'feel' as it is the word that fits if I could feel. Just as a blind person doesn't drop the word 'see' from his vocabulary.
I am saying this is a time I would have been embarrassed. This is a time I would laugh. This is a time when I would cry.
I am on two meds and I wonder if they have helped 'numb' me more. I'll ask my therapist.
So I live life as though I feel, and deal with very few people. I can crack jokes with the workmates or store clerks etc. because our contact in never lengthy. We also talk business, but I don't care for lengthy conversations that are deep. I might not agree with the person, but pretend to to avoid confrontation.
I care about my solitary existence, as I am not sad and depressed in it. I also am not afraid of death~~more afraid of life
Basically I feel/sense I am more stuck in neutral.
I don't know how people can forget about the past, as the past is what made us who we are today. My Therapist asks me about the past. She is trying to 'put me together' i.e. how I became what I am, and requires info that transpired in my past. If I had not examined my past, and researched myself online, I might have been harbouring more blame for certain people. Now I consider what certain people did that was 'wrong' I now consider what it made me 'feel', how I could have perceived it so wrong, so that I could end up 'defective' and I am free (of blaming anyone else) of bearing grudges. I can repeat the awful stories but they are reported without 'feeling'.
I disconnected at a very young age, and now must learn how to reconnect, but is my Therapist able to guide me to that end? I don't know. That's why I toss out a timeline of 10 years.
I used the word 'voiceless', or the term 'having no voice', and she ask me to explain what I meant, since I had used it twice. I have to wonder if all therapists are unaware of the term, or perhaps unaware of the "shame" theory.
Later
Izzy