Time for a Time Out?

[WRITE]

I have had so many posts I wanted to contribute to this week or start and no energy to do it, so I guess it's time for me to take a real-life time-out.
 
I've been working so hard for months and last month's stress-fest with ex and son took a lot out of me.
 
I put a halt to my divorce; yes I know, but it was one of those things, there was a mistake and my papers came back just that week that ex kicked off- I don't want to do magical thinking or be superstitious but it seemed like an omen.
 
Then my finances went awry with illness/ extra doc bills/ psychology bills for son/ car repairs...so maybe it was a G_d thing.
 
I have this happen a lot this synchronicity.
 
Ex has calmed down loads and is thinking about going back to psychiatrist now.
 
I feel manipulated but also responsible for my son; got to think this through and manage it better.
 
Told ex off about something he was sayign to son yesterday and said he was suckign all the energy from the situation. He said I always do that, take everyone's power, make people feel diminuished.
 
I was astonished. He hasn't had insight into others before. Does it mean he is developing empathy? Don't know, depends what he does with it I suppose.
 
Son is fine again, seems happy and relaxed.
 
I did tell my ex in no uncertain terms that I  have facilitated everythign for everyone else but if he can't manage more parental consistency then son needs to come and live with me full-time.
Ex says he doesn't want that and he will be more nurturing.
 
It's sort-of never-ending I guess.
 
I met this guy at church, we've been dancing around each other.
 
It's funny, I got out a book on commitment phobia, thinking that was him, read a bit of it and- it's me!
 
I am terrified of commiting to another relationship- and ending up responsible for another person like with ex.
 
Time to go get ready. Going to see a play at church.
 
I've got a terrific head-cold, I'm still stuck with ex, my financial planning is going awry, I'm exhausted. But actually that core strength which I told y'all I was working on is coming...it's just a bad day.
 
I met a new psych doc a few days ago, was very assertive and showed him my updated detailed care plan. We talked for ages over the appointment time and at the end he said how well I have everything managed.
 
It's been a long long process, some of you have seen a lot of it the past few years here.
And it's not over with ex of course, that's ongoing and may be for a long time to come.
 
But life is pretty good even on a bad day.
 
I went out back earlier and picked a four leaf clover; nature always hands us symbols when we look!
 
Take care everyone, love to everyone. Happy Easter!
 
*******

I wrote that yesterday, sorry it's such a ramble I just let it flow.

Last night i slept only 4 hours so my illness is maybe kicking in.

So much for ex developing empathy, just had a chat with him about all the stress last month. "what stress?'

I guess he's done what he sees as important, kept me hooked into him.

I think I will go file the divorce soon, but he's pressuring me to be home for son over the summer. i can't really refuse can I.

[Stormchild]

Told ex off about something he was sayign to son yesterday and said he was suckign all the energy from the situation. He said I always do that, take everyone's power, make people feel diminuished.
 
I was astonished. He hasn't had insight into others before. Does it mean he is developing empathy? Don't know, depends what he does with it I suppose.

Hi Write

Don't be fooled by this. They often have insight into others, when it gives them ways to put others down. If you look closely, you'll see that's what the point is, here. He's putting you down. It's nothing but a counterattack. There's no empathy anywhere in sight.

What is significant, and what you should watch for, is when he has insight into himSELF, and actually changes his behavior as a result of having understood how HE affects others.

Looks to me like he's trying to suck you right back in to the SOS...

[Margo]

I have had so many posts I wanted to contribute to this week or start and no energy to do it, so I guess it's time for me to take a real-life time-out.
 
I've been working so hard for months and last month's stress-fest with ex and son took a lot out of me.
 
I put a halt to my divorce; yes I know, but it was one of those things, there was a mistake and my papers came back just that week that ex kicked off- I don't want to do magical thinking or be superstitious but it seemed like an omen.
 
Then my finances went awry with illness/ extra doc bills/ psychology bills for son/ car repairs...so maybe it was a G_d thing.
 
I have this happen a lot this synchronicity.
 
Ex has calmed down loads and is thinking about going back to psychiatrist now.
 
I feel manipulated but also responsible for my son; got to think this through and manage it better.
 
Told ex off about something he was sayign to son yesterday and said he was suckign all the energy from the situation. He said I always do that, take everyone's power, make people feel diminuished.
 
I was astonished. He hasn't had insight into others before. Does it mean he is developing empathy? Don't know, depends what he does with it I suppose.
 
Son is fine again, seems happy and relaxed.
 
I did tell my ex in no uncertain terms that I  have facilitated everythign for everyone else but if he can't manage more parental consistency then son needs to come and live with me full-time.
Ex says he doesn't want that and he will be more nurturing.
 
It's sort-of never-ending I guess.
 
I met this guy at church, we've been dancing around each other.
 
It's funny, I got out a book on commitment phobia, thinking that was him, read a bit of it and- it's me!
 
I am terrified of commiting to another relationship- and ending up responsible for another person like with ex.
 
Time to go get ready. Going to see a play at church.
 
I've got a terrific head-cold, I'm still stuck with ex, my financial planning is going awry, I'm exhausted. But actually that core strength which I told y'all I was working on is coming...it's just a bad day.
 
I met a new psych doc a few days ago, was very assertive and showed him my updated detailed care plan. We talked for ages over the appointment time and at the end he said how well I have everything managed.
 
It's been a long long process, some of you have seen a lot of it the past few years here.
And it's not over with ex of course, that's ongoing and may be for a long time to come.
 
But life is pretty good even on a bad day.
 
I went out back earlier and picked a four leaf clover; nature always hands us symbols when we look!
 
Take care everyone, love to everyone. Happy Easter!
 
*******

I wrote that yesterday, sorry it's such a ramble I just let it flow.

Last night i slept only 4 hours so my illness is maybe kicking in.

So much for ex developing empathy, just had a chat with him about all the stress last month. "what stress?'

I guess he's done what he sees as important, kept me hooked into him.

I think I will go file the divorce soon, but he's pressuring me to be home for son over the summer. i can't really refuse can I.

How old is your son?  I was wondering..... bc I don't know how long he's been exposed to your relationship with N.  It seems to me that dropping the Divorce isn't necessary good or bad, as long as you aren't being manipulated.  It also seems that your ex is manipulating you, from where I'm reading anway. 

His considering going back to therapist..... asking you to go back and live with him when you've obviously made your mind up to leave... and file for a divorce.  Sure, he's calmer.  You dropped the divorce.  He's trying to change your mind, again, which is a direct violation of your boundaries.  He doesn't have any respect for what you want or need. 

At least think about what your son is learning from watching you and your ex.  It would be one thing if your N could make some changes that at least looked like respectful behavior toward you.  You probably know what you can expect if you go back.  What does your son learn if you stay strong and continue to require that your boundaries remain in tact?  What does he learn if you problem solve and use sucessful coping strategies to navigate your life back on course?  What does he learn if you go back into N's home and begin the same patterns all over again?  Margo

[WRITE]

Thanks Margo Storm and CB.

I am circling again, trying to rethink what is best for everyone whilst still keeping MY self intact...

I hate that he does this, upheaves everyone then acts as if nothing really happened, I hate that my son's wellbeing depends on his caprisious nature.

My Therapist says I can only show him other ways and use my influence where ex will listen- not that he's consistent anyway.

But it's all a bit 'crazy making' to have to keep dealing with him.

He's all generosity and kindness...so long as I keep to his version of reality. But it's so skewed so often I know I can't.

Son is here looking happy and comfortable, ex is so solicitous to him again right now I guess I will just have to sacrifice my freedom a bit for now.

But go back- no. Never. I'd rather die. I would die...he is too destructive to live with for me. Our history alone- no even if he changes for son or another relationship or just within himself...there's too much ancient pattern of relating with me, can't believe that would ever change.

Thanks so much, you've helped so much.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone can see my side of things...he's seems so intelligent and so rational. Sometimes.

[moonlight52]

Dear Write
You see your side of things and are so understanding .
The lack of sleep is underneath  a lot of you wanting to rethink everything maybe??????
 I would put you and your son first ....
You have given enough support to ex's idea of reality.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone can see my side of things...he's seems so intelligent and so rational. Sometimes.

Love
moon

[Margo]

Thanks Margo Storm and CB.

son's wellbeing depends on his caprisious nature.

My Therapist says I can only show him other ways and use my influence where ex will listen- not that he's consistent anyway.

I agree with your therapist and your son has only you to learn healthy patterns of relating from.  What will you teach him through this?  What do you want him to learn?  BTW.... I'm still not sure how old he is.  Margo

[WRITE]

Thanks Bean Margo Moon.

I know you're all right, it's just expediency.

But i am heartily sick of this man having the power to derail and make me do stuff via our son...

I just had coffee with my friend, she said if son is with ex full-time how come it's you has to take off work for the summer...?
Exactly.

But doing battle just makes me seem unreasonable and son upset.

And in one sense i can relax and enjoy son's company and the extra money.

I just hate beign controlled and manipulated, especially by someone who doesn't even see or care they are doing it.

I'll stop whining now, i know loads of people have worse problems. I'm going to go hear a concert with my best friend.
He and I patched up our little quarrel but after I told him we have a lovely friendship he's also makign a point- he has to rush off for a date immediately after the concert!

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only grown-up around here....

But I do feel like stamping my feet and pouting and yellign 'it's not fair' today so probably not 

[teartracks]

WRITE,

I'm wishing you the best in your decisions.  Someone said to keep you and your son at the forefront of your decision making and I agree with that.  Wish life wasn't so complex...

tt

[Hopalong]

Write,
You've asked so much of yourself.
To divorce your ex but not let yourself be free of the weight of him.
To enjoy a new life and new relationships but still be bound.

You've asked yourself to be all things, to be the family peacemaker,
the prescient friend, the engaging but apolitical worker, the just-moved-but-not-lonely
not-quite-divorcee...

Maybe you've been driving yourself too hard.
So much that it's tempting to walk back into Before.

Maybe you don't have to be Before or After.
Just be Write, now...

That's more than good enough.

love,
Hops

[WRITE]

Wish life wasn't so complex...

thanks TT.
My therapist keeps saying 'life is messy...'
Especially mine.

But it is what it is and I need to stop railing against that this week and get back on track.

I don't think I can postpone the divorce even if it means financial hardship; it just doesn't feel right.

So I will step back for a few days, I've paid the latest round of bills and still have no debts. There's some investment money in England, maybe I can use that to finance the summer, and ex has said he will help.

Unfortunately his help doesn't feel very good.

But I think this week showed me above everything- I can no longer afford to see things through his eyes at all.

Ironic isn't it. His lack of empathy means I have to stop showing him empathy!

Maybe that's the balance of things...

***

Went out with dear friend yesterday, we were so affectionate with each other so the quarrel is forgotten.
There is so much love between us and I am so thankful I didn't let it drift into a romance, out of need. I can ask him to love me and care for me ( and he me ) within the friendship. It was lovely letting the Bach music drift over us, and being totally at peace with each other. I've never had a closer male friendship- or a close male friendship which didn't turn into a ( failed ) romance!

He ran off to meet his date and I went for dinner then to the theatre. I was feeling lonely and had time to kill, I read my book and prayed a bit then the people I was meeting turned up and they already had tickets in another part of the theatre so after chatting we had to go sit down and I was alone again.

I never realised what feelings of abandonment and fear loneliness can trigger in me until recently, but last night it was okay, I let the feeligns wash around me a bit then some people came over and sat by me and one of the guys and I hit it off right away, another was the show's producer and an actor I saw last year in a very stunning role. The evening became very lively and I felt like- I have all I need.

I can just be.

Just be Write, now...

so your words made me smile, perfect synchronicity today has been all day.

Back in balance.

Went out for Indian food with ex this evening. Struck by how shocking some of the things he says are, and pointed out a few things about them, he was unmoved and in fact bored. That's it with him- he's been bored with this whole 'trying to change' process for a while and these nastinesses are his signal to me to back off and let him be.

He said pointedly that he has modified his behaviour with our son and in general life and thinks if I don't try to get involved with him I wouldn't get my feelings hurt would I. Just let things alone.

And I will. So long as he takes care of our boy and does what he needs to I will just do superficial family stuff and make the best of that.

Son looks so happy, they are downstairs curled up on the sofa under a duvet. It's cold here again.

I love them both as my family but I see now that loving ex is a broken thing because he's broken and I can't expect him to love me.

Maybe I thought because he could love son he could love me.

Maybe it's just wishful thinking.

Maybe I secretly want everyone to love me and prove that my mother's message of 'you are unloveable' is entirely wrong.

Because I am unloveable to some people, ex included. I can't please everyone, or fix the messy stuff, or change the past.

There's a lot to look forward to, a lot to enjoy.

And the practical scary stuff- i can do that. I'm good at that. Creative solutions.

it's tempting to walk back into Before.

It doesn't matter really, it's finished in everything but the paperwork and parenting business.

What I have to accept is the lack of resolution, the fact he will continue to resonate in my life and sometimes in a toxic or painful way.

That's what I'll work on next- growing strong when he has his periodic melt-downs.

Thanks Hops and everyone.

Happy Easter, love to all X

[reallyME]

Write, did I miss it?  Did you tell us how old your son is yet?

Have a wonderful day.

~Laura

[teartracks]

Maybe you don't have to be Before or After.
Just be Write, now...

Hops, good advice for me too.

WRITE, all you can do is all you can do and your best is good enough.  Still wishing you wisdom and peace in your decision making. 

tt

[WRITE]

son is almost 11.

So quite some time for me to be around...

I am doign my best, and of course it's never good enough for some people...but I am trying to work on making it good enough for myself 

Emotionally drained. Ex is happy. It's like he shares half my soul somehow and I can't get it back without making him unhappy...we are never both whole simultaneously.

Maybe it's a fight to the death...

wishing you wisdom and peace in your decision making. 

well I resisted the urge to bludgeon him with a blunt instrument, that's a start....