For the first time in my life I am....

[WRITE]

for the first time in my life I am....

safe

healthy

self-determining

free to be creative

*

for the first time in my life I am...

entirely, completely alone.

[Overcomer]

No you are not!  You have US and we are here to get you through the rough patches!  Vent!

[Brigid]

Write,

for the first time in my life I am...

entirely, completely alone.

I totally understand this feeling.  Other than my children, I have not another family member in the world with whom I have a relationship, or would even care if I was alive or dead.  It became so clear to me when I went in for a routine medical procedure (colonoscopy) a couple of years ago, and had to give them an emergency contact.  At the time, my son was the only possible person and he is away at school, so what could he have done.  I have some close friends, but most of them are living in warmer climates during the winter months, so they weren't even around at the time.  Just finding someone to take me to and from the hospital was an issue. 

I would rather cut off my left arm than ask my ex for help with anything--so that certainly wasn't a possibility.  I guess for you, your stbx is still someone you ask for help, but I would crawl home before I would ask my ex for anything.  My ex would love to have me ask him for help because he would see that as my having forgiven him and now think of him as a friend.  I get along with him for the sake of the kids, but he will never be my friend or someone I can ever trust again.

You mentioned your fear of abandonment in another thread.  I understand now how pervasive that fear has been during my entire life, and drove me to make some really poor relationship decisions.  It is still with me every day of my life and no amount of therapy will ever make it go away.  No matter how many times my b/f tells me that he is committed to me, I still feel a small part of me being ripped away every time he leaves and I know I won't see him for a couple of days.  Every man in my life has abandoned me at some level and why would I believe that he will be any different--it is only a matter of time.  I have even felt it with my son recently due to some differing philosophies in our lives right now.

I would say that your fear of abandonment is probably playing a bigger role in your reluctance to get through the divorce than you realize.  It is the final nail in the coffin, so to speak, and makes the whole situation so much more real.

But, like me, you are not completely alone--we have our children, our friends, and eventually you will have a new love in your life, who will actually make you happy rather than stressed, angry and confused.  I wish I could say that all of that makes the fear of abandonment go away--but at least in my case, it does not.

My heart goes out to you during a very difficult time of life.

Brigid

[Gaining Strength]

WRITE - in response to your post, I encourage you to focus on the first 5 items in your list.  Those are very remarkable.  They are truly significant in getting to where you want to be. Achieving those first 5 is a step along the way to being connected in a wonderfully positive way.  We have all been connected in destructive ways in our lives.  It is being connected in supportive, nurturing ways that is truly being connected and that will follow. 

Focus on the first five and the other will come.  When the pangs of loneliness come turn your eyes to these remarkable achievements.  - I believe this is true and am writing this as much for myself as for you. - GS

[Hops guest]

Hey Write,
Can I encourage you to hang in there for a while with the feeling of "alone"?

Greet yourself in the evenings. When you come home to the empty apartment, be with it...realize that it's not empty. You're there.

Greet your space, your quiet, your time. See what happens.

Remember that you can always go forth again, join support groups, work through feelings in community. You aren't alone the way a newborn or small child is alone when abandoned.

You're really not. You are a beloved member of the human family and you deserve to feel your own love, while anticipating the new sources of love that you'll discover ... when the universe offers them (in its own sweet time).

You're in good company, Write.

hugs,
Hops

[WRITE]

Thanks GS, Brigid, O/C, Hops.
 
I have long thought that many relationships are more about inter-dependence and enmeshment than about living out connection, and of course the healthier I get the more I don't want to be there...
 
At the moment I feel I have acheived many of my goals- but at what price?
 
Ex told me if I left him he would take my son and he has. Like the mother in the Solomon story I had no choice but to resist tearign the boy in half, but unlike the Bible story there's no king to intervene and make a balance, at least not for now.
My sister said 'I can't believe you gave him up without a fight...' so I don't even have the people I love's understanding.
 
I believe this is true and am writing this as much for myself as for you. - GS
 
you are sweet GS, you have come such a long way yourself.
 
It became so clear to me when I went in for a routine medical procedure (colonoscopy) a couple of years ago, and had to give them an emergency contact.
 
oh I fully understand.
I have NO ONE here who really gets my bipolar, it costs me a fortune to pay professionals to support me and at a late appointment recently when they said 'you might want to bring someone with you, it's a bit quiet at that time of night' I thought there is no one, who would I ask?
 
I don't want people in on the dynamics of that anyway. No one understands, and it's a path I have to walk alone to be strong in. Self-care doesn't come easy to me as it is, but i find people derail me in it if I let them.
 
I took some time out from church, explained carefully to the music director, thought he understood I need a rest now; I certainly have worked incredibly hard for him...he nodded and agreed etc then said 'well you could just do first service?'
 
Er, no dear. I could if I want to prioritise other things over taking care of myself. Which I can't!
 
I really believe now that to overcome anything- addiction and illness are prime examples- you have to prioritise recovery. But try telling others that and you risk wrath and indignation.
 
He didn't speak to me yesterday- though I sang two services and did a great job- and pulled away when I gave him a hug, pointedly being charming and wonderful to everyone else around me!
 
I still feel a small part of me being ripped away every time he leaves and I know I won't see him for a couple of days.
 
that is hard. I saw a book the other day about recovery from abandonment, I'll try and find the title Brigid.
 
That of course is what is wrong with choir director- he has some serious issues about this and I have triggered them.
 
For me I think havign the therapist staves off the worst of it- but of course I am becoming less able to afford this, in fact I have rearranged my life somewhat lately so I can earn more just to keep this going. It's an important function for me.
 
Took me ages to accept it as not a relationship though. And to forgive her and trust her even though she doesn't care about me. Actually, after a few years with her, she probably does somewhat, but you know what I mean.
 
You have US and we are here to get you through the rough patches!  Vent!
 
thank you OC.
I think y'all have heard enough of my moaning though for one week!
 
Thanks Hops, but I don't feel very beloved right now! Sometimes I wonder when I'll come out the other side or if I'll ever really create the life I want.

Remember that you can always go forth again, join support groups, work through feelings in community. You aren't alone the way a newborn or small child is alone when abandoned.

I have to walk my bipolar path pretty much alone though- no one else can be with me through that, and I have to keep withdrawing to go away and manage it, nor can I explain it and have people understand.

Yes, i do keep finding all the love sources of the universe, but it's always spoiled either by ex or by my illness.

I don't know if I can ever get around that. It just all seems too complicated and like no resolution ever comes...I do of course manage my illness and my life better now, but again it's at a cost. I can't live like everyone else does 

When you come home to the empty apartment, be with it...realize that it's not empty. You're there.

I like going home at night now I'm used to it- the peace and quiet, no arguments, no tv, I feel safe.

It's not the physical loneliness that is getting to me lately, I am pretty independent. It's this keep meeting someone and making a connection only for it to be derailed because they don't understand about ex or about the illness.

And I don't even belong with some of the people with the illness like my close friend- she won't manage hers so she keeps getting sick and I don't like discussing the way I do things with her now...I feel like I moved on with some of it and she still does the same cycle and it sounds like I am beign patronising.

It's like when I drank I didn't mind hanging out with drinkers even if they were unhealthy- now I don't like to much, not because I think I will drink too, but because I don't really want to hear someone drunk talking, they don't have as much to say to me.

Does that make sense?

Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy!!!!





 

[Stormchild]

Thanks GS, Brigid, O/C, Hops.
 
I have long thought that many relationships are more about inter-dependence and enmeshment than about living out connection, and of course the healthier I get the more I don't want to be there...
 
At the moment I feel I have acheived many of my goals- but at what price?
 
Ex told me if I left him he would take my son and he has. Like the mother in the Solomon story I had no choice but to resist tearign the boy in half, but unlike the Bible story there's no king to intervene and make a balance, at least not for now.
My sister said 'I can't believe you gave him up without a fight...' so I don't even have the people I love's understanding.
 
I believe this is true and am writing this as much for myself as for you. - GS
 
you are sweet GS, you have come such a long way yourself.
 
It became so clear to me when I went in for a routine medical procedure (colonoscopy) a couple of years ago, and had to give them an emergency contact.
 
oh I fully understand.
I have NO ONE here who really gets my bipolar, it costs me a fortune to pay professionals to support me and at a late appointment recently when they said 'you might want to bring someone with you, it's a bit quiet at that time of night' I thought there is no one, who would I ask?
 
I don't want people in on the dynamics of that anyway. No one understands, and it's a path I have to walk alone to be strong in. Self-care doesn't come easy to me as it is, but i find people derail me in it if I let them.
 
I took some time out from church, explained carefully to the music director, thought he understood I need a rest now; I certainly have worked incredibly hard for him...he nodded and agreed etc then said 'well you could just do first service?'
 
Er, no dear. I could if I want to prioritise other things over taking care of myself. Which I can't!
 
I really believe now that to overcome anything- addiction and illness are prime examples- you have to prioritise recovery. But try telling others that and you risk wrath and indignation.
 
He didn't speak to me yesterday- though I sang two services and did a great job- and pulled away when I gave him a hug, pointedly being charming and wonderful to everyone else around me!
 
I still feel a small part of me being ripped away every time he leaves and I know I won't see him for a couple of days.
 
that is hard. I saw a book the other day about recovery from abandonment, I'll try and find the title Brigid.
 
That of course is what is wrong with choir director- he has some serious issues about this and I have triggered them.
 
For me I think havign the therapist staves off the worst of it- but of course I am becoming less able to afford this, in fact I have rearranged my life somewhat lately so I can earn more just to keep this going. It's an important function for me.
 
Took me ages to accept it as not a relationship though. And to forgive her and trust her even though she doesn't care about me. Actually, after a few years with her, she probably does somewhat, but you know what I mean.
 
You have US and we are here to get you through the rough patches!  Vent!
 
thank you OC.
I think y'all have heard enough of my moaning though for one week!
 
Thanks Hops, but I don't feel very beloved right now! Sometimes I wonder when I'll come out the other side or if I'll ever really create the life I want.

Remember that you can always go forth again, join support groups, work through feelings in community. You aren't alone the way a newborn or small child is alone when abandoned.

I have to walk my bipolar path pretty much alone though- no one else can be with me through that, and I have to keep withdrawing to go away and manage it, nor can I explain it and have people understand.

Yes, i do keep finding all the love sources of the universe, but it's always spoiled either by ex or by my illness.

I don't know if I can ever get around that. It just all seems too complicated and like no resolution ever comes...I do of course manage my illness and my life better now, but again it's at a cost. I can't live like everyone else does 

When you come home to the empty apartment, be with it...realize that it's not empty. You're there.

I like going home at night now I'm used to it- the peace and quiet, no arguments, no tv, I feel safe.

It's not the physical loneliness that is getting to me lately, I am pretty independent. It's this keep meeting someone and making a connection only for it to be derailed because they don't understand about ex or about the illness.

And I don't even belong with some of the people with the illness like my close friend- she won't manage hers so she keeps getting sick and I don't like discussing the way I do things with her now...I feel like I moved on with some of it and she still does the same cycle and it sounds like I am beign patronising.

It's like when I drank I didn't mind hanging out with drinkers even if they were unhealthy- now I don't like to much, not because I think I will drink too, but because I don't really want to hear someone drunk talking, they don't have as much to say to me.

Does that make sense?

Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy!!!

Write, actually you know, you are going sane.

It's the culture that's crazy... a culture that demands that we sacrifice our own wellbeing, simply to spare others the effort of understanding us and our situations [I'm talking here both about your friends who can't handle your bipolar, and your choirmaster, but it applies equally to family who don't understand that releasing your son may be the more loving act, and to workplaces that use you till you drop, then kick you to the curb].

I belonged, for a little while, to a low-key singles group for folks with various 'different abilities'. Some of us had CP, some of us had Spina Bifida, some of us had bipolar, some of us had other things. I didn't last, because my disabilities were what they call 'invisible'; easily exhausted, susceptible to respiratory illnesses, etc. [from a mild but very-present heart condition, mild asthma, and an inborn enzyme deficiency; any one alone wouldn't have slowed me down a tick, but the three together often knock me off my feet]. So even among others with disabilities, I didn't quite fit in. There wasn't anything 'obvious' enough about my problems. So I think I can understand how you feel.

I too am alone, and like Brigid I have been facing major hassles getting basic exams because docs don't know how to handle people who are that alone. Colonoscopy, same thing. Someone has offered me their guest room with bath so I could taxi to and from the exam site, and that is probably what I'll do; but it's a co-worker, not someone I know well, and I feel very exposed.

Focus on the good - it doesn't mean denying the bad, it means coming to terms with the price tag... and it's ironic as anything to see myself typing that, given that I'm usually the resident cynic. But there is good that comes with sanity, a groundedness that's worth the hassle of marching to a slightly different drummer when your good sense and the world's impulsive, impatient  idiocy collide. And there is a freedom that is often worth the price... freedom from abuse, given my history anyway, is something I would be very reluctant to give up, to the extent that I've managed to attain it.

Go sane along with me [and everyone else here]; the best is yet to be!
 

[Stormchild]

Oh - wanted to add: in re the choir director giving you the 'cold shoulder' -

people who punish us for taking basic care of ourselves, because our doing so inconveniences them, are people who basically prefer us to hurt ourselves, rather than for them to experience that inconvenience.

The hurt may be the passive harm of self-neglect, but it's no less hurt, and it's no less real.

Does it look different when you put it in that context?

[WRITE]

people who punish us for taking basic care of ourselves, because our doing so inconveniences them, are people who basically prefer us to hurt ourselves, rather than for them to experience that inconvenience.

The hurt may be the passive harm of self-neglect, but it's no less hurt, and it's no less real.

Does it look different when you put it in that context?

there is so much passive aggression in people's behaviour sometimes which is passed off as cultural norms or socialisation it's hard to see through....but yes you are quite right. By pressurising me not to take care of myself ( or to do anything else frankly ) is abusive.

What annoys me the most is that with some people it's not a matter of helping out either- I've done my bit and loads more; this guy would likely have found himself out of a job without my intervention, which he resented at first. I always told him I was around for temporary, I refused his job offer for goodness sake, and have encouraged loads of other people to the volunteer roles which needed filling & smoothed over tons of the animosity & hurt feelings.

I told him I've been having a difficult time lately too, I thought he understood.

It must be just a power thing, like with ex. Wanting to pull everyone's strings and beign annoyed with the person you can't...

it means coming to terms with the price tag

Thanks Storm, I have to I know that.
I can hardly go back to being controlled and manipulated- that didn't work either.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I need a dose of cynic myself!

[Stormchild]

It's a funny thing, Write, how many people would almost rather die than express gratitude, or extend reciprocity, to someone they know they can rely upon.

I can't explain it, and it seems to be incredibly pervasive.

T'isn't you. It's some toxic thing in the culture, something that teaches people it's cool, or a sign of strength, to use other human beings.

On the plus side, we don't have to go along with it, and once you can see it, it's fairly easy to recognize when you encounter it again elsewhere.

[Gaining Strength]

This whole thread really touches me.  It is a painful thread - it touches my painful spots.  I do so believe in changing my thoughts as a step in changing my life.  But it is so very difficult to do and it is so very difficult to forge onward without any sign of relief.  That is why I have felt such concern for "towrite" who seems to have disappeared for a while.

I do understand about how difficult the issue of your illness is WRITE.  Four years ago I had a manic episode as a result of a combination of Celexa and Adderall.  I was on medications for bi-polar for a year or so but slowly weened off of them.  I have never had another episode but I learned all too well how horrific a disease it is and how un-understanding people are.  

What I have really learned in this life, and I see this over and over out in the world, is that people here in the US are not very understanding.  People seem to fear hardship as if it were a communicable disease.  They run from difficulty.  After exposing my struggles for years I have finally learned to keep them to myself.  I think this is a rare place - a big group of compassionate and understanding people.  I personally would not be able to "get better" and move on in life if it were not for compassion and support.  

I understand all too well about the pain of such loneliness.  It tears me up each and every day.  But I keep remembering to change my perspective and to look to where I am going and believe that it will  be better, not hope but bellieve. I hope that it gets easier to believe that.  I want to see the changes within me.  I do get clearer about how I got in the mess I'm in and I do have a plan to get out but connecting the two is slow with lots of backsliding and always painful - so very painful. - GS

[moonlight52]

hi all
Seems fear keeps me wanting to protect self .
Old paradigm involving hatred, blame are being seen by many people for the pain and suffering they cause.
There is a deep yearning for change I believe....
Fear generates more fear and can block a heart connection."Hopefully" more and more people will choose life affirming solutions......
Sounds like a good thing.

On the plus side, we don't have to go along with it, and once you can see it, it's fairly easy to recognize when you encounter it again elsewhere.

Maybe hurting others is taught and is not natural to human beings.
To turn it around will require an effort of each individual each learning to respect, honor and cooperate with another.
A key element compassion.That is what we do here.....
GS Not to hope but believe that is so beautiful.

Write:For the first time I know I can take whatever comes my way and be stronger......

Love to you ,
moon

So much love to you
p.s This is the positive self talk I do.....Also I like to draw hummingbirds ............I saw the hummer posts on anything..

[teartracks]

((((((((((((((WRITE)))))))))))))),

tt

[axa]

I am alone also but I am not scared, harrassed, exhausted, torn apart, feeling abused.  In fact I have a nice sense of freedom.  I struggle often but I am in such a better place now without XN.

I was desperatly lonely when I was with XN, do not feel that now, this is good.

axa

[WRITE]

I had a personal trainer in England once who used to say 'what do you want? And what are you prepared to give up in order to get it?'
 
I guess what I have given up is the interdependence which is most relationships.
 
People no longer feel I need anything, I spend my life havign people delighted to see me so they can show me what they did or ask my opinion or listen to me play or sing or teach...that's sort-of nice but if I'm honest I miss sitting around commiserating and being in the stuck places and around people who don't actually do anything about their probvlems other than talk; those are the friends now who don't seem to want me around though, it's like I've become too successful.
 
It's much more competetive here than I remember in England.
Nobody much cared less who did what back there apart in passing.
 
Here if you get a break you're likely to get a knife in the back too!
 
One of my friends got a promotion, before it was confirmed another mutual so-called friend sent out a congratulatory email to the whole company, knowing it would cause problems....
 
How do you deal with people like that?
 
My best friend of two years ago never talks to me now.
 
She has to work really hard and we don't give them money any more and I've lost tons of weight....it's hard not to see it in terms of petty. She's always pleased to see me but the fact her life is in a mess still the same as before means she doesn't think I'm friendship material now. She loved me when I was fallign apart.
 
Oh, I'm ranting and venting I guess.
 
But it does take more maturity to be a friend in good times than in bad.
 
So I can't win- tell people who don't know about it I'm bipolar they pre-judge me....my friends who've seen me a real mess don't like me now I'm straightened out!
 
I'm exaggerating...and between friendship phases I guess.
 
I really don't enjoy hanging out with negative people any more so I guess I must give off that vibe....
 
Glad you're doing well Axa, relatioNships are lonely!
 
Thanks tt, you too (((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))
 
This is the positive self talk I do.....Also I like to draw hummingbirds ............
 
Thanks Moon.
I need a new mantra maybe?
 
I never tried painting hummingbirds, I'll give it a go.
I remember the first time I saw one, a magical moment. I wasn't quite sure....then it came back and was just a few inches from me, and really did hum!
 
Love to you too, hope you are feelign better.
 
it is so very difficult to forge onward without any sign of relief. 
 
exactly!
 
I know I'm on the right path, but it's still all thorns and nettles and not much prospect of a better view yet!
 
I keep going round corners, forging on, but it's such a dreary landscape when I'm still bent over with emotional pain so often.
 
Each time I straighten up and quicken my pace I slip up and get hurt.
 
And no one sees, so often no one understands.
 
That's why this thread is such a comfort, so many of you getting what I mean, that it's about frustration and always battling with no end or rewards in sight yet, losses to the left, hazards to the right, and even when something on the horizon catches my eye it usually turns out to be unpleasant on closer inspection!
 
I do get clearer about how I got in the mess I'm in and I do have a plan to get out but connecting the two is slow with lots of backsliding and always painful - so very painful.
 
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( GS )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 
You are doign so well.
 
I guess only other people can see the progress we make at these times?
 
It's a funny thing, Write, how many people would almost rather die than express gratitude, or extend reciprocity, to someone they know they can rely upon.
 
I can't explain it, and it seems to be incredibly pervasive.
 
T'isn't you. It's some toxic thing in the culture, something that teaches people it's cool, or a sign of strength, to use other human beings.
 
On the plus side, we don't have to go along with it, and once you can see it, it's fairly easy to recognize when you encounter it again elsewhere.
 
well said Storm.
 
I am learning to toughen up- I still am very loving and giving but in a time-limited way. If someone does not seem reciprocal I don't want to get closer to them.
 
It's part of my CHristian beliefs to help but I am learning that to help durign a crisis is one thing-to become part of someone's web of problems is another. And to try to help sometimes is going to mean being completely used and having that person shrug when you point out how you feel....
 
Yes, there's a cultural lack of empathy, also a mood-swing of appreciating someone to the point they are the best thing ever...then when the mood changes suddenly they're totally devalued.

It's all or nothing.

Best friend or nobody.

Funny- that friend is the only time in my life I really felt I had a 'best friend' too....I've never thought much of the concept of a one and only friend. Or of the 'soulmate' lover 'the one and only etc.

I do know there are many opportunities ina  lifetime for many different relationships and connections.

I really don't feel or think like that, all or nothing, despite being bipolar.
 
In fact being bipolar isn't really about mood swings so much as feelign everything very very deeply. It feels like mood swings, but actually compared to people like ex and the choir director and former best friend- I am perfectly consistent in my moods!!! And a damn sight more consisntent int he way I act them out on others.....
 
Thank you all so much for giving me somewhere to put all this....I really appreciate it.