You Will Be Angry To The Same Degree You Are Voiceless. Is That Right?

[axa]

TT,

Not sure if I still know how to identify safe people but what I have learned is that my safety is my responsibility.  I think I have given up the hope of only finding nice people out there which seems like progress to me.  I think I have become more realistic and stopped projecting my desire for everyone to be "nice".  The clearer my boundaries are the less likely I am going to end up as N bait again.  Its hard work but I think I am getting it AT LAST>


axa

[teartracks]

Hi axa,

Not sure if I still know how to identify safe people but what I have learned is that my safety is my responsibility.  I think I have given up the hope of only finding nice people out there which seems like progress to me.  I think I have become more realistic and stopped projecting my desire for everyone to be "nice".  The clearer my boundaries are the less likely I am going to end up as N bait again.  Its hard work but I think I am getting it AT LAST>

It amazes me how little instinct I used to have for making those, Oh so necessary boundaries.  Things are much better now.  A voiceless one will most likely be a boundaryless one.   That was me for sure.  I read a book titled, Safe People a few years ago.  It helped a lot.  Written by two of my faves.  Cloud and Townsend.  It talks you through the process of understanding who is safe vs. who is toxic, the hows and whys of making sure the core people in your life are safe.    I agree, nice doesn't necessarily mean they are core quality people.   

tt

[debkor]

You will be angry to the same degree you are voiceless...Is that right?  And is the opposite true, that to the degree you gain voice, anger will be dispelled? 



You will be angry to the same degree you are living in denial, not being real with yourself or others, accepting abuse, you feel frozen, you feel weak, you feel  powerless, you feel fear, you lose control over your own life,  you lose yourself, you are unhappy, you feel trapped, you don't feel important enough to yourself, you refuse to take care of your needs, your emotions, you look for others to make you feel safe and secure, you look for others to make you feel whole.

The opposite true, that to the degree you gain coming out of denial, being real with yourself and others, not accepting abuse, you become unfrozen, you feel strong, you feel powerful, you face fears, you gain control over your life, you find yourself, you are happy, you are free, you are important, you take care of your needs, your emotions, you feel safe and secure within yourself, you are whole,  anger will be dispelled. .

Love
Deb

[teartracks]

debkor,

You will be angry to the same degree you are living in denial, not being real with yourself or others, accepting abuse, you feel frozen, you feel weak, you feel  powerless, you feel fear, you lose control over your own life,  you lose yourself, you are unhappy, you feel trapped, you don't feel important enough to yourself, you refuse to take care of your needs, your emotions, you look for others to make you feel safe and secure, you look for others to make you feel whole.

The scales don't fall from everyone's eyes the same.  But you know, I'm so grateful that they fell off mine.  Each of the things you mention blinded me most of my life.   Ahhhh blessed relief!

Thanks, 

[Overcomer]

I truly have been trying to pray for my mom and to give up the anger.  Today on Joyce Meyer she talked about forgiveness and how important it is to you.  I truly feel like I have been trying VERY hard to deal with my anger.  But today my brother brought in a friend to our business and they ate lunch.  First, they didn't tell me they were there and I happened upon them.  My mom had told me earlier in the day that they were coming but neglected to inform me they were here.  So I came out when they had finished eating.  Then we talked and chatted and were, you know, being nice to each other and the man looked at my mom and said, "So, do you run this business?"  She pointed at me and I immediately said, "DO NOT POINT AT ME, I DO NOT RUN THIS BUSINESS - SHE DOES!!!!"  Then under my breath (but everyone could hear me....it was directed at my brother......I whispered.....) "BUT I COULD DO A GREAT JOB OF RUNNING IT IF I WERE GIVEN THE CHANCE......."  And then I continued to rant and ravde about don't say I run it when you clearly run the show and make all the decisions..............and my brother said, "Get off your soap box, girl....."  And I realized that I popped off.  I totally made an ass of myself.  It was like I was screaming to the top of my lungs....................................NO, I DON'T RUN THE SHOW BECAUSE MY FREAKIN MOTHER IS A COMPLETE NARCISSISTIC CONTROL FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!

How voiceless does that make me?????

[teartracks]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Overcomer))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Don't lose faith in yourself because forgiving isn't coming as easy as you'd like or as easy as Joyce makes it seem it should.   I think my motto on the board is, Give yourself permission to take as much time  as you need to heal   

Hugs,

tt

[Overcomer]

Thanks tt:  I just cannot redoum get over my anger when it stares me in the face each and every day!  It is like a wound that is almost healed and someone rips the scab off too soon!  I went to career builder and applied for a new job!

[Stormchild]

If this is true, then that kid in Virginia was horribly voiceless... and I strongly believe that he was. I'm not justifying or defending him. Just saying: if anger comes from voicelessness, and voicelessness comes from emotional / psychological / physical abuse, this kid must have been through seven kinds of hell.

God have mercy on us all.

[moonlight52]

Dear tt,
I have learned a lot and have found some inner peace .
Does it have to take 30 thirty years ? maybe takes as long as it takes to work on issues...

love to you   

Stormy ,
The kid must have been though Hell whatever happened to him and the engine of his inner pain...

God does have mercy on us
moon

"I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule ,nor scorn human actions but to understand them" - Spinoza

[teartracks]

Dear tt,
I have learned a lot and have found some inner peace .
Does it have to take 30 thirty years ? maybe takes as long as it takes to work on issues...

love to you   

Moon, it has been a joy to have witnessed via the board, your growth, and to have the privilege of walking  with you along the way.  So encouraging. 

tt

[teartracks]

Storm,

Examining the question in light of what happened in Virginia is a sad and disturbing challenge for us all. 

   My heart hurts.

tt 

[teartracks]

Hi OC,

Give yourself permission to take as much time  as you need to heal

I know you are paddling as hard as you can on the path of recovery.  I WAS enmeshed with my mother.  I'm not now.  It took years to get from there to here.  SIGH of RELIEF AND THANK THE LORD!  I wish I could give you a workable outline of how I did it, but truth is that each of us has to find our own path to our authentic self.  I read one of your original posts where you said you'd worked with your Mom for 10 1/2 years.  Honey, if you can do that, you can do anything!   There is light at the end of the tunnel.  In the meantime, all you can do is all you can do.

Loved the photo of you and your daughter.

tt
Edit In:  OC, I read Joyce's biography a few years ago.  As I remember, she recovered from her abuse over a period of years, not in one fell swope of forgiveness.   If you're talking in ideals, purposed spot on forgiveness is realistic.  If you're talking recovery from repeated abuse, then a process must play itself out unless an instantaneous, supernatural miracle takes place.  MHO

[Overcomer]

Boy that is what I want-a supernatural healing from this Chinese Water Torture type abuse I have endured for so many years.  Yes my original post said I had been working with her for over 10-Now it has been over 13-And I am still dealing with it!  But thanks for the words of encouragement-I need it!

[Overcomer]

You got it CB!  People tell me I can endure the angst for the flexibility I have in my job-but my self esteem has eroded over the years and I would rather work more hours and feel good about myself.  I love the work I do but having her there is like a mill stone around my neck.  I got to that point with my ex too-keeping the family together was less important than my sanity.

[CB123]

OC,

Okay, so what you need now is a new job.  You may not be able to look for the perfect job to replace the one you have now.  You may need an interim job to get you out of this environment and rebuild your sense of competence. 

I think you should look in the classifieds for jobs that will get you out of the business and out of the Karpman triangle you have going with your mom.  Don't worry about getting the perfect job.  Just get out of this no win situation and give yourself some mental peace while you plan the next step. 

I think you are going to feel really good when you can get that clarity.

CB