Chain Reaction -*or*- Things Happen in Order For a Reason

[gratitude28]

I still struggle with the idea of higher power and God, but I do see things happening in a manner in my life that is good and promising. I also see changes that are happening in an order that seems to me to be necessary FOR ME to accept life and not turn into the person I could have become .

For example... I am glad I did not figure out that my mother was an N until AFTER I got sober. When I was trying to clean up my act, I still felt I was in control of everything in my life and that I could take care of my drinking problem on my own. It was a necessary and HUMBLING step for me to ask for help. I had NEVER been able to ask before and I did not trust anyone to help me. But I also knew I couldn't rely on myself for once...

It was only after I cleaned up my act that I figured out the N thing and that I wasn't a bad and mean person. Had I figured that out while drinking, I think I might have given myself permission to go on as I was, living selfishly, and blaming it on my parents.

Instead, I had the gift of a clear (or clearer) mind to assess the information. And, after having seen how selfish I had been living, it was nice to see that the roots of my trouble were not entirely my fault.

So, layers of an onion... and they are coming off in the right order. I hope there is dark chocolate at the center of the onion

Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Yea Beth!  Love hearing the bright side of things!  Progress!

[pennyplant]

Just saw this one tonight, Beth.  Sometimes I can see the order or reason as it is happening.  I often think I would accept it better, though, if I understood it later on down the road.  There have been times the past few years when I had the insight, and even though my brain told me it was for the best, my stomach would sink and I'd feel so let down:  "Oh, my life is going to be boring after all.  I'm not going to have the adventure I wanted or be the free spirit I'd like to be...." or something along those lines.  But I guess that is part of my particular journey at those times.  At least now I know enough not to fight it when it's the right thing that is happening, disappointing or not.

I really believe there is a rhyme and reason to our lives and sometimes the best thing we can do is pay attention but also stay out of the way of our own selves!

Then there are some questions about the really painful episodes of my life the past few years and I haven't really got any satisfying answers or insights yet.  It is possible I do have all the information I need but am just not ready to accept the answers.  It would be nice if I could get a couple of AHAs and then just let it go for good.  Right now a couple of questions are lingering and it seems like I need more clues before I can understand and let go.  Maybe the questions are just too hard.  If so, I expect it will take a long time before I'm satisfied.

Pennyplant

[poetprose]

I never knew the horrible conditions that my father had grown up in, until after he passed away

I found out after he died from his half sister that he himself was sexually abused by a farm hand, where my dad was sent to work, as a young boy, and when he went and told his mother  (my nana)about what was happening to him , she did not believe him!!!! and she continued to make him stay and work at that farm for the money as they were poor, my dads dad had died so young

so learning about this helped me to forgive my father.(work through my anger at him)...... I was already "effected" mentally, and because i was ill, i was able to understand the cycle of abuse

so who knows maybe God/ as i believe i understand him, did have me in mind when i learned of this

[pennyplant]

Yes, many times I have received information or found out something that I truly needed to know about in order to move ahead and it is often information that either other people don't have or don't care about.  I have learned things in really surprising ways and that made it seem like I was "meant" to know about it.  I mean that sometimes the things I have found out have been through quite amazing coincidences and it really makes me think it is something I was "supposed" to know.  Or maybe I just get all excited because I like knowing the whole story.  I  need to understand possible causes.  The big picture.

Poetprose, I think it was very fortunate that someone like yourself, who could understand the implications of your father's story, could actually receive this story in time for it to make a difference.  I tend to think that it was not merely a coincidence, but something that was meant to happen.

I wonder what might have happened if you had learned this story while he was still alive.

Pennyplant

[poetprose]

Poetprose, I think it was very fortunate that someone like yourself, who could understand the implications of your father's story, could actually receive this story in time for it to make a difference.  I tend to think that it was not merely a coincidence, but something that was meant to happen.

I wonder what might have happened if you had learned this story while he was still alive.

Pennyplant


Yeah I have thought about that a great deal actually, tossing it back and forth, but to be honest, with my father I believe the damage was already done to him,  and he probably would not have wanted to deal with it....