'Self-soothing'

[WRITE]

I was reading an article on emotional resilience yesterday and the phrase 'good at self-soothing' leapt out at me.

For ages I have been trying to find a daily technique to comfort myself during strong emotions or mood-swings.

I can't find the article now and forgot to save it, but here are the qualities defined as emotional resilience elsewhere:

Have realistic and attainable expectations and goals.
Show good judgment and problem-solving skills.
Be persistent and determined.
Be responsible and thoughtful rather than impulsive.
Be effective communicators with good people skills.
Learn from past experience so as to not repeat mistakes.
Be empathetic toward other people (caring how others around them are feeling).
Have a social conscience, (caring about the welfare of others).
Feel good about themselves as a person.
Feel like they are in control of their lives.
Be optimistic rather than pessimistic.

These special beliefs characteristic of resilient people help them to keep proper perspective, and to persist with coping efforts long after less resilient types become demoralized and give up. In order to become a more resilient person, it is necessary to work on cultivating these beliefs and attitudes for your own life.

I said ages ago I wanted to cultivate an emotional core strength and I think this is exactly what it looks like, with a few additions.

[axa]

I am learning about self soothing.  I always looked outside myself to find it and while that works like a temporary hit it does not last and is not always available.  I think to self soothe one must be in adult mode and take responsibility for ones feelings.  It was something I never understood until recently.  I wonder is it part of being codependant.

I understand now that my feelings are my responsibilty.  When I feel angry or sad these are the feelings I am choosing when I acknowledge this I begin to have a sense of how boring it can be and know that action is what will change it for me.  I self soothe by running.......... the physical activity changes something in me.  Also, maybe this has to do with age, but I am aware that my life is passing by and the only person who is injured by my anger is me.  Do I want to live like this... the answer is No.  Sometimes I am strong enough to take responsibilitiy and other times no.  but mostly I go into adult mode.  It can be such a struggle.

I am tired and bored of being angry and sad.  I want to feel my joy and happiness.  I am learning that these feelings are mine and my choice.  Think I am moving on.

axa

[James73]

Hey guys, I feel like Ive got some emotional resilience which will be down to my parents and perhaps genes too who knows, but one things for sure any thought process or mechanism can be learnt or unlearnt and to haides with anyone who says otherwise and what with the power of the net at our fingertips the ease of gaining knowledge to becoming a more rounded happier individual has never been so readily available to the masses, we live in a golden era where we can shape our emotional and thus physcial lives like no other generation before us.
James

[WRITE]

I don't like the poured in stone aspects of the articles.

I really believe if we commit to it all manner of change is possible- even for Ns and all kinds of problems.

It turns me off reading things when assumptions are made or inferred or facts which cannot be ( such as the one you point out! )

If damage in childhood was set in stone then we'd all be stuck with it, no childhood is without its trauma some way or another.

[James73]

Hey Write - Amen to that. There is a kind of social standing and view by people in professions and many others for that matter that many things are stuck in stone however it is in fact they who are stuck in the mud and cannot bring their tiny minds to think outside of their tiny box they live in. When I began to stand up to my brutal N so called friend he used to say to my other mates "people cant change can they?" in a kind of bewildered kind of voice with a look of incomprehension on his dumb face as I broke the chains of his Narcissistic supply the ****** twat, i'll stuff my sodding foot up his bum next time I see him see how bloody bewildered he looks then  ( breathe James breathe.... and relax...  )

Power to change and power to the people!
James

[moonlight52]

My big change happened when I knew I was responsible for my own emotions....... no blame.
When a person sees this the world can open up..
Of course you do not just get there by a magic wish .
There is a lot of work done to get there.

Write when I get to a point of mood swings I do positive self talk and remember" we are more than our stories" ....
(mum was speaking of stories as what our life stories are)
Takes the pressure off .............................I think it was mum that said that.

I am feeling the love that comes from inner strength and to quote bean "gentle strength"

I don't like the poured in stone aspects of the articles.
If damage in childhood was set in stone then we'd all be stuck with it, no childhood is without its trauma some way or another.

I have passed though old pain and some recent stuff......................

[WRITE]

as I broke the chains of his Narcissistic supply the ****** twat, i'll stuff my sodding foot up his bum next time I see him see how bloody bewildered he looks then 

*snigger*

I can see you feel passionately about this James!

I have passed though old pain and some recent stuff......................

Hope you are feeling better Moon?

I self soothe by running.......... the physical activity changes something in me. 

I think I'd like to increase my physical activity. It's not quite enough.

[James73]

Hey Write hope your doing well and yes I have some anger at these N's of my past and other ones I hear about on here too, I always thought I was to blame for people saying and doing bad things to me and now Ive realised that N's have been my main source of woe I am a little on the livid side to say the least although I have to say I wouldnt swap places with any N in the world and would rather go through three times or more the crap ive been through rather than be an N  (touch wood I dont however!)   Kicking one up the bum may actually be a bit too kind for an N, I think a nice red hot poker might do the trick hee hee!  argh the devil in me awakens! Eek, run away!!   

Yeh I like physical activity too, I like being alone quite a bit and exercise like running or the like is indeed very theraputic for the mind and soul, you can get lost in the rhythm of it which is nice.

(((Moonlight)))))  You are very wise and I am trying to follow your path of enlightenment   


(((((( CB and Axa )))))) You two are fab! i love reading your posts theyre always so full of strength and goals 

Love ya all
James

[moonlight52]

I do not know how enlightened I am .........
It seems that replacing self criticism with positive thought is helpful.
To accept self maybe it is helpful to accept "flaws of personality".
These flaws are like dents on the surface of a car or tears in fabric and can be repaired.
Sort of a process of accepting your inner child and letting that being come out.
Acceptance of self ,let's love come forth and loving others flow.
Write this is such a great thread   

Love,
moon

p.s I like to think about the dance of energy. Supporting self and others, participating with life in a gentle fashion of oneness.
But to find inner peace it is a process like peeling an onion.Still lot's of work to do and finding balance.

[WRITE]

to find inner peace it is a process like peeling an onion.Still lot's of work to do and finding balance.

bipolar makes it harder to stay in balance...I am finding ways to keep in tune with myself and shocked athow often I have been working against myself in not doing proper self-care or self-respect.

Today is one of those grey wet days I love- remind me of home!

Today is a good day.

[WRITE]

well I had to do some self-soothing this afternoon, one of those things which can curdle the blood of any parent. My son was being mocked at lunchtime and I was so worried he was being bullied and we weren't picking up the signs. He's been complaining of tummy ache etc and been moody for weeks....I thought it was just things with his father and I and his impending teenage.

Well I talked to his dad and we said we would go see the school staff, but I couldn't wait to get him out of school and make sure he was okay.

He was amazed I was so worried and said he's fine, that some of the kids are like that and he can handle it. He had his TAKS results- 100 %.

I just reassured him that there are lots of opportunities and choices he doesn't have to stay with that school etc.

He looked at me like I am crazy in that way kids do, but I could see he was pleased underneath that we would take care of it.

My self-soothing consisted of saying inside 'we can deal with this' and quashign all those feelings of overwhelm and it beign a never-ending struggle etc

Even ex was supportive and helpful and he's comign home early to spend some time with our son.

Goodness it's hard being a parent.