general, it is always possible to learn how to deal with a full-blown narcissistic husband. Absolutely, as long as we understand - completely - and agree - completely - that we will do all of the emotional work in the relationship, that we will do all of the giving in the relationship, that we will never be allowed to be fragile, or needy, or weak, or old, or ill; that only he is allowed to need, and take, and that this will be done always without thanks, or gratitude, or even acknowledgement. That it is now, and ever shall be, about him, world without end, amen, and never, not once, not for even the briefest, faintest glimmer of time, ever, about us. That for all we give, and all we give up, we can never expect more than complaint, indifference, or outright abuse; and that in an instant, in the blink of an eye, like snow melting on the hearth, as soon as someone else promises more - more attention, more youth, more beauty, more sex, more adulation, more money, more endurance, more 'connections' to more of 'the right people', he'll be gone as if he never were, leaving us exhausted, defeated, and alone.
Stormchild: This is coming from someone who is still trying to come to grips with an N. I don't see that my H is a full-blown narcissistic husband. There are many traits he doesn't have. Like,
we will do all of the emotional work in the relationship isn't a problem. In fact, my H is sooo emotional I have to be the opposite to balance him. He wears his emotions on his sleeve. It is very clear when he is disgusted or angry. If I point out to him these emotions, he will deny them. So now I say, "you seem____". He still denies it but he will erase that look off his face and go about his way. He's funny. The look that bothers me the most is the smug look. I hate that look. It gets to my core.
as soon as someone else promises more - more attention, more youth, more beauty, more sex, more adulation, more money, more endurance, more 'connections' to more of 'the right people', he'll be gone as if he never were, leaving us exhausted, defeated, and alone. My H is very caught up with always doing the right thing. It is not even about his faith. He would never have an affair, never leave me. Something about his dad never giving him praise, he always does the right thing to get praise. If someone asks him to do something, he will do it in the exact way(even if it doesn't make sense). He will do it now. If he has some friend who he looks up to and who does a certain thing, he will emulate that person and implement this thing into our family...even if it doesn't work for our family. He will do it just because his friend does it and it must be the right thing. Then he proceeds to tell everyone he is doing this good thing. He digs for pats on the back.
My H is extremely needy. I call him " high maintenance" I can tell when I do too many things (ei. at church) he starts acting out and I know I need to cut back. Last summer, I went camping with a friend often, during the weekday. My H has to work so he couldn't always be there. It drove him crazy and he tended to make our life miserable. I love camping without him but it's not worth it. We got a permanent site only 20 minutes from our house. It'll be easier to deal with him.
My H doesn't have anger issues. In fact, he doesn't allow anger. Sometimes I get really angry with him and he will point out that I am the one angry, not him. Therefore, it must be all my problem. When I am ready to calm down, he will talk. He doesn't physically abuse me. I don't deal with that stuff.
We went on a road trip once and H read everyone's bumper sticker and went on to bah whoever was in the car. I thought about it for quite a while before I finally asked him to please stop bashing everyone who has a bumper sticker you don't agree with. That is not right and what are you teaching our boys in doing this. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even if you don't agree. He has quit and doesn't do that anymore. I have since read how he is defining people from the outside in. Almost like he is in their head and can know their thoughts. He is definitely a Mr. Know-it-all. So now when he goes on and on defining someone, I will point out that he doesn't know that and he'll say, "that's just what I think". Even my 12 yo will point out he doesn't know. I love it that my son picked that up and see that!
My H likes it that I have friends. He likes it that I do things with them. I am not isolated.
One major problem is that my H defines me often. And I let him! We were thinking of leaving our church at one point and he decided we were going to stick it out at our church. He told everyone that "we" really like our church and see great things happeing. There is another church that I had really wanted to go to. I love this other church. I still want to go to that other church so badly. He tells everyone "we" don't agree with their doctrine...when in fact I do agree. I have swept that under the carpet. Moving forward, I will speak my mind! I realized I need to stop letting him do that to me.
I sure didnt mean to imply that I'm encouraging divorce as a solution
CB, I didn't think that at all!!! I am referring to all the other threads. Seems like everyone is going through a divorce or they have been there, done that. I appreciate your bird's eye view. I think you have a lot to offer me(so therefore I will be your friend?....I sound like an N). Who knows, in standing up to my H and setting boundaries, maybe he won't be able to take it. He can't handle rejection at all! It's his way or the highway. If I back down and tell him to just do it his way, he will reverse and do it my way but in the end he points out my error because of course he will make my way fail. then I find myself apologizing(no more though).
If I at anytime seem ignorant, tell me. I am about as open minded as a person can be. I love you all and am so glad I found this site!
