Would you mention plans like this...or not?

[JayBailey]

What would you do in this situation, anyone?

For the past couple of years, since we first went to the US, my husband and I have been thinking that we'd like to live over there one day.  We haven't made much progress (we're in the UK, the visa thing is rather complicated), but we're looking at all the avenues.

Now, the thing is...our families don't yet know about this.  As far as hubby's family goes it's not really a problem, but it might be if it got back to mine.

My (much) older brother has been talking about emigrating for some time and has made no secret of wanting to move to the US.  He already has a second home out there (not the same area we're interested in, unfortunately).  His ideal is to retire out there, but the visa regs don't allow for it...well, not yet.  However, it's something I'd like to be able to get our heads together on, share ideas and info.  My brother is a pretty easy-going sort of guy who'd be happy to talk about it.

Trouble is...I don't for one minute think the Nmother will like the idea.  Him emigrating, well, yes...I mean, that would still mean I'd be in the country.  Look after her.  Maybe move, if it left nobody else near her.  After all, that's what daughters do.  Daughters don't have plans of their own...right?  Especially me, because after all, nothing I've done has ever worked out (yeah, right, because someone stomped on every plan I ever made), I only have stupid pie-in-the-sky ideas and I should just forget about it and get on with everyday life (i.e. drop everything and attend to her....)

Excuse me, but...screw that.  Maybe I do have plans.  And why not?

As it happens, my SIL doesn't reckon either he or she would want to leave the UK permanently while either of their mothers were still alive.  And she has carers in every day to attend to her needs.  And she just survived both of us being on vacation at the same time (tried to give me the guilt trip before we went, which I'm pretty sure she didn't try on my brother...I'm grateful we flew out before they did).  But I'm guessing the Nmother wouldn't see it like that.

And it may be a very, very long time before our plans get anywhere in any case.  I have no illusions about how fast immigration services aren't. 

And, I'm guessing I might get the 'how could you?' reaction from a few people on the outskirts of the family, although frankly it's none of their business.

I'm really not sure if it's something I should even mention.  At this stage, or any stage.

And it would be easy, too easy, to say that it would be 'running away' for us.  I would think that, too, if I didn't feel such a strong pull to the place we want to live in. 

Anyone, any thoughts at all on this?

[camper]

Sounds like you should get away from your Nmother!  My H had been trying to get a man over here(US) from scotland for the last year.  He couldn't get here unless he had a great job title.  He hired a lawyer and he still isn't here.  Our country will not let him in.  From this scenario, I would hire a lawyer.  Apply for a visa now as it may be a while.  If you get it, you get it.  If you decide you don't want to come afterall, maybe just vacation here instead.

I have to ask...why do you want to live here?  I say that positively not negatively.  I love it here but I don't know anything else.

[WRITE]

we didn't get a lot of support for our emigrating plans, then later whenever we had problems people would have a 'what did you ecpext' kind of attitude.

But it is a good life here in the US compared to UK, more superficial sometimes but more positive and easier to re-invent yourself.

I've had great therapy here too which I could never find in ENgland for some reason.

It was brilliant for me to get away from my demanding extended family and my relationships with them though more distant are now healthy and I feel like I can be me in them not who they expect me to be.

There's something fantastic about personal growth to live outside your own culture- to see things differently, get to rethink everything.
It can be disorienting and difficult too at times.

But emigrating to America was the best thing I could have done at that life stage for my own personal development.

Re the immigration process, yes it is slow also it can be hard to get in if you or your h don't have specific outlined skills the US needs.

My husband got a national interest waiver green card but they're not so common.
It was granted 15 days after the application was submitted- but the lawyers took almost 4 years to do that because he changed jobs mid-process!

Also I came out here on a dependent's visa which when our marriage broke up still left me dependent and unable to work!

I had to develop some pretty strong negotiation and assertiveness skills- my ex is NPD and wasn't impressed by me asking him to move out. Some of the people here can rememebr some of the really tough times I went through 3 and 4 years ago, I was suicidal at one point and severely ill.

And no close friends or family nearby to support me.

But it's all been such a growth curve for me every bit of the stress was worth it and for all the probems of the US I wouldn't be anywhere else right now, I love my new country and I am growing to love my new self.

[Hopalong]

Hi JB,
My advice is NOT to tell your biofamily until you have the visa and ticket in your hand/s.

My reason is that in my experience, when I have a dream and ran it by people I feel insecure around, whether family or other people whose support isn't something I can be sure of...sometimes their putdowns or guilt-trips or negative responses could drag down my desire and confidence.

So I'd say, test out your desire and build your confidence by planning this and carrying it through on your own.

You're an adult and you don't need their permission and they/she will survive. Planes go both ways, and they can visit, if invited!

Hops

[Sheeeva]

I don't know about your idea that it is easy to "reinvent" yourself here in America. We are assigned a Social Security number and you are tracked through that for your entire life. If you make financial blunders you will never escape that. There are also other ways that they track you. If you ever talk to a police officer, they put that information into a data base, so that anytime you talk to another police officer they can see that information. They also have agencies that if you ever get any help from them they start a record. Believe me, you are always scrutinized in America for everything you do. God forbid that anyone would ever start a court case against you, but if that happens you could be in a lot of trouble for who knows how many years, as the America court system drags on and on and on, and the winner is usually the person who has the most money. You education will be tracked, any certificates have to be validated, and registered, and certified, so to try and change course in the middle of your life can be kinda hard. You have to prove yourself over and over and over. Whatever past you have in the UK can follow you here. Unless of course you are a criminal, than reinventing yourself could be easy as you can get fake ids, social security cards, and all that drama on most corners, but than you wouldn't be here legally, would you?

[isittoolate]

Hi JB

It is YOUR life and you are entitled to do what you want.

Case Closed.

I'm not sure why one post brought up so much about being a criminal--I didn't  see that anywhere that you wrote.

Daughters can have plans of their own and I have the proof with a mother in a wheelchair who never once said that anyone had to stay home to look after her, then again my own self in a wheelchair and I expect to do for myself until the bitter end.







Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoff the top of a mountain?

Izzy

[Sheeeva]

I was just thinking about writes comment about it being easy to "reinvent" yourself in America. I was just disagreeing with that. I wasn't saying that anyone was a criminal, obviously if they are waiting for a visa, instead of just flying to Mexico and running over the boarder, than they are not. Just don't think that it is easy to reinvent self in America, unless you are a criminal and into identity theft, which if you are American, you know there is a lot of that going on. Moving away from problems never solves the problems, and you just get a new set of problems anyways, sometimes its better to just learn to deal with problems.

[WRITE]

I was just thinking about writes comment about it being easy to "reinvent" yourself in America. I was just disagreeing with that.

Hi Sheeva, welcome.

Well it's been my experience.

As for criminal or other behaviour, one of the things about surviving Nism and other difficult problems is facing up to life as it is and changing what you can but also being open to scrutiny and criticism or whatever and surviving it!

The whole topic was about telling people close to you your dreams/plans and will they try to quash them...often the answer is yes and the way to acheive more is not to lean on others' approval or the security of family relationships & people who have a vested interest in one remaining the same for them.

Have you had some difficult experiences with this?

[Margo]

What would you do in this situation, anyone?

For the past couple of years, since we first went to the US, my husband and I have been thinking that we'd like to live over there one day.  We haven't made much progress (we're in the UK, the visa thing is rather complicated), but we're looking at all the avenues.

Now, the thing is...our families don't yet know about this.  As far as hubby's family goes it's not really a problem, but it might be if it got back to mine.

My (much) older brother has been talking about emigrating for some time and has made no secret of wanting to move to the US.  He already has a second home out there (not the same area we're interested in, unfortunately).  His ideal is to retire out there, but the visa regs don't allow for it...well, not yet.  However, it's something I'd like to be able to get our heads together on, share ideas and info.  My brother is a pretty easy-going sort of guy who'd be happy to talk about it.

Trouble is...I don't for one minute think the Nmother will like the idea.  Him emigrating, well, yes...I mean, that would still mean I'd be in the country.  Look after her.  Maybe move, if it left nobody else near her.  After all, that's what daughters do.  Daughters don't have plans of their own...right?  Especially me, because after all, nothing I've done has ever worked out (yeah, right, because someone stomped on every plan I ever made), I only have stupid pie-in-the-sky ideas and I should just forget about it and get on with everyday life (i.e. drop everything and attend to her....)

Excuse me, but...screw that.  Maybe I do have plans.  And why not?

As it happens, my SIL doesn't reckon either he or she would want to leave the UK permanently while either of their mothers were still alive.  And she has carers in every day to attend to her needs.  And she just survived both of us being on vacation at the same time (tried to give me the guilt trip before we went, which I'm pretty sure she didn't try on my brother...I'm grateful we flew out before they did).  But I'm guessing the Nmother wouldn't see it like that.

And it may be a very, very long time before our plans get anywhere in any case.  I have no illusions about how fast immigration services aren't. 

And, I'm guessing I might get the 'how could you?' reaction from a few people on the outskirts of the family, although frankly it's none of their business.

I'm really not sure if it's something I should even mention.  At this stage, or any stage.

And it would be easy, too easy, to say that it would be 'running away' for us.  I would think that, too, if I didn't feel such a strong pull to the place we want to live in. 

Anyone, any thoughts at all on this?

I'd suggest moving to the U.S. Go. Run. NOW!  You don't want your N mother to cast you in the role or her eternal caretaker.  Women usually end up with the brunt of caring for parents...... at least your brother will have to help if you're both over here.  Margo

[axa]

I'm there with Izzy..............ITS YOUR LIFE

aXA

[JayBailey]

Thanks, all.

As far as 'reinventing' myself goes....that's been an ongoing thing for the past four years or so anyway.  I often look at pictures of myself from ten, even five years ago and don't recognize the person I used to be.  So, maybe the idea of moving to the US is a part of that, but it's following on from what's happening anyway rather than us hoping it'll be the impetus!  (We don't like the place where we are anyway.  But we like the place where my mother lives even less, for lots of reasons other than her living there.  I grew up there and it's still one of those very hidebound small towns where anyone with any moderately unusual views sticks out like a sore thumb.  In other words, exactly the kind of place I hate...and I'm sure there are plenty of places like that in the US, too, and I wouldn't live in them either!)

The only real 'dark secret' in my past, and it's not exactly even that because a lot of people know it, is that I have suffered from depression.  As has my husband.  Which has proven to sometimes be a stigma, sometimes not, depending on who you tell  - my employers have no problem with it, and a lot of them are American.  (Unfortunately, it's not the kind of job where they can easily help me transfer to the US...bummer!)  It's not something I'd particularly hide. 

And as for scrutiny generally...it's pretty much a nightmare here in the UK for that kind of thing.  We have one CCTV camera for every 12 people in this country, and the average person gets caught on camera somewhere 300 times a day.  I could go on, but you get the idea - let's say we're always amazed when Americans want to come here!

Our reason for wanting to come to the US is very little to do with the country, and almost entirely to do with the particular city we fell in love with when we first went there.  We're toying with whether it's easier to get directly into the US or to try getting into Canada first (not too far away, in this case, so at least we'd be able to sort the practical stuff marginally more easily - and I've heard it's generally easier than getting into the US, if you're British), but we did hear of someone in the US whose boyfriend ended up stranded in Canada waiting for a visa, so maybe that's not such a great idea.

As far as the family goes, I'm strongly tempted to hint at the idea to my brother, in the Nmother's absence.  It's even possible they've already cottoned on...I did mention a while back to my SIL, when she was asking if we liked where we live, that I'd rather live in a city, I just didn't say where!  I actually do think they could be quite supportive.  I just don't want the Nmother kicking up a fuss.  I don't believe there's anything she could legally do to stop us leaving the country, but I'm thinking it would be more hassle we don't need.

[Hopalong]

What is the temptation to "hint" at your departure to your brother about?

What would you want from him, if he could give it?

Hops

[Sheeeva]

well just in case you didn't know. If you get into Mexico, you can just run over the boarder just like the Millions and Millions of Mexicans have done, and they don't suffer ANY consequences at all. I don't see how anyone else could suffer a consequence. I don't know why its so hard for someone to get into America legally, while over half of my neighbors are here illegally and there kids attend school, and they work here and don't pay taxes, and nobody really cares as long as they don't break any laws. There are about five million illegal immigrant children clogging up the school district that my son attends. I am talking about teenagers who can't speak English, but are put into mainstream classes, now the teacher has to teach half the time in Spanish, and half the time in English, my son hardly gets the education he deserves. But my point is, if you really wanted to come, you should be able to. Why should the ones who just ignore immigration laws and come here anyway get all the benefits and suffer no consequences.  They do not have to pay taxes, but they can apply for welfare and receive school benefits, and free medical benefits. Oh, and I live in the OC, and I am on camera at least five or six times a day myself. There are cameras on every corner where I live, besides every store, and almost everywhere else I go is on film. America is not this great pillar of freedom and privacy that you think. A mental health record can follow you for your entire life in America as well, so if you want to escape it, don't even admit or mention it while you are talking to immigration. In fact they may even deny you admittance to America for that reason.
Sorry, I am not trying to be a drag, just wish I could move away from America.

[WRITE]

A mental health record can follow you for your entire life in America as well, so if you want to escape it, don't even admit or mention it while you are talking to immigration.

hi Sheeva

I have found that being open about my mental helath can be a problem so I have a very strong care plan regime to 'prove' I can manage my bipolar illness and for cross-reference with doctors should i ever require that support.

Have you had some bad experiences with this?

I have with friends at times.