One of the most painful things of having X for a friend

[reallyME]

I was just sitting here remembering...

It was really painful for me when X kept coming back and talking with me...not because she was being mean necessarily, but because I had to tell myself "enjoy it while it lasts" every single time.  With these sorts of people, you always know in the back of your mind, that the only reason they are even "gracing you with their presence" is because:

A.)  They feel guilty about how they treated you and need to do something to soothe their conscience.

B.)  They want to cause you to think they are back to work things out, when they have no intention of doing so.

C.)  They are bored and are using you for entertainment, a dumping ground for their angst and frustrations.

I just remember sooooooo clearly feeling so many mixed things...happy she was talking to me, sad that I knew it wouldn't last and, even though she said things to cause me to think we could work it out, I had to keep telling myself "NO.  She doesn't mean it.  She isn't coming back.  She is only using you for the time being and you will have to move on without her again.  This is only for NOW and you have NO GUARANTEES of anything with her."

Talk about disillusioning and PAINFUL!  It was.

[moonlight52]

Laura ,

Your assessment of this kind of situation is sssoooooooooooo true I hear ya.

Victim no longer...............................

Bless you RM


moonlight

[cats paw]

Hi, RM (and it it OK to use your initials?)

    I'll bet having this board really helped.

cats paw

[reallyME]

yes, cats, RM is just fine to use.  X already knows who I am and has been here to see what I write, but I don't want to use names anyway, to be fair to her.  I'm sad I even have a situation to share about regarding her.  It wasn't supposed to turn out this way...we were supposed to be close and do things together for a lifetime.  But, oh well.....

[gratitude28]

Wow, Laura, talk about putting it into a nutshell. You are 100% right on. I am always amazed during those three minutes once in a while that my mother shows any interest in me. And then I realize it's from boredom, or because she has something she wants from me or someone has told her she has not been nice to me.
Blech. Blech. Blech.
I will remember this when I get any feelings of kindness.
Love, Beth

[isittoolate]

Hi reallyME

It is difficult in this life to ever have a best friend who lasts and lasts and most people are lucky to have ONE in a lifetime. Mine is the woman who was my daughter's caregiver when I worked and also where she lived for 9 months of the 12 that I was in hospital. They were a Catholic family and my daughter was the same colouring as C____ and attended the C. Church and crossed herself after grace at mealtimes. Their children attended catholic school and my  daughter the regular and all went smoothly.

When I came home finally and daughter stopped going to C Church, friends of C____ asked where her other daughter was!!

I see that ONE friend thing and everybody else I put in my 'long-time acquaintance' list

If C____ were to betray me I would have the surprise of a lifetime!

xx
Izzy

[debkor]

Laura,

Yes I hear you on your friend.  I felt the same way you did.  There were not always bad times and you miss the times that were good. You really loved your friend.   Very difficult very hard to separate without pain.

I feel like my friend died and I grieved over it.  Sometimes still do. 




Love
Deb

[reallyME]

Deb,

Interesting that you said you felt like your friend DIED...that is what I finally told myself to move on with my life without fulfilling all the promises together with X.  I told myself to see her as though she died.  They really do wrap themselves around your heart that much, that the only way to heal is to GRIEVE the death of the relationship that never was or would be.

~L

[debkor]

Laura,

I had wrote this whole big response just now only to wipe it all out. 

I am feeling the pain (like you) over the death of a friendship that never was.  Memories are coming to me at times like today. It was a nice day and my door was open. Somewhere along the day she would come busting through my door right to my kitchen table and tell me some crazy story and we would laugh up a storm but it was quiet, the door never opened and I felt sad. I had to tell myself to stop and gather my thoughts.

Then I saw your post and felt some comfort that I am not the only one feeling this way.

On top of all these feeling her exH calls out of the blue. I have not talked to him in a long, long time.
He appears to be suffering just like us. I could be wrong but I don't think so.

He seems to be lonely. He has moved on has a new g/f who he lives with but misses everything he knew that was gone like *that* snap of the fingers *poof*. 
She walks around and is able to replace people with other people rather easy.

I can see he is grieving terribly in silence. 

I think he wants to be heard, he wants to voice, he wants to be validated.

He has faults of his own but he does feel very deeply unlike her. He feels for others.

I know he had visitation with his children this weekend and I would say that he found out through his children their mother and I do not speak any longer.
She had told him that no one was ever his friend and they just put up with him cause we were friends with her.
I know he never believed this of me. That is why he is feeling safe now to call, I think.

He reminded me a few times I have his number and to call.

Guess what I did?

I went into shut down mode. 
I cannot handle this right now.

I am blocking them both.

Love
Deb

[reallyME]

Deb,

I read what you wrote, and, after not even being able to get a "hello" from X recently, decided to comment.  I can relate to so much of what you say here.

>>>> Somewhere along the day she would come busting through my door right to my kitchen table and tell me some crazy story and we would laugh up a storm.

I still remember X's times when she would sing, dance around and act fun like a little teenager!  She could be really animated sometimes.  I loved that side of her.

>>>> He has moved on has a new g/f who he lives with but misses everything he knew that was gone like *that* snap of the fingers *poof*. 
She walks around and is able to replace people with other people rather easy.

Yes and what a weird, disturbing feeling it is to be so easily replaceable and to watch it happen over and over again, usually in a very short amount of time.  Crueller still though, is when the new supplier comes to you and rubs your nose in the fact that X chose THEM over you and berates you for seeming to not be "over it" by now.  Then, when you get fed up with the treatment, you ditch supplier and X again goes with them and leaves YOU.

>>>>I can see he is grieving terribly in silence. 

I'm still grieving but not in silence.  I talk to some trusted people about my feelings.  Unfortunately that does not make X be someone I thought and hoped she was.

>>>>He has faults of his own but he does feel very deeply unlike her. He feels for others.

Same with me.  I have faults, but I do FEEL.  Maybe X could just move on without feeling much of anything, or maybe even WITH feelings, but the point was, I went for the help I needed for my problems.  She decided to just move to the next person, rather than getting help.

>>>>She had told him that no one was ever his friend and they just put up with him cause we were friends with her.

Have had this happen too.  They like to try and turn people against you through embellishing things or lying.


>>>I went into shut down mode. 
I cannot handle this right now.

I don't have a shut down mode.  I'm on meds for depression/anxiety, and they do not allow the brain to "phase out."

RM

[debkor]

Laura,

Everyone has fault Laura.  The difference is we own it and work to change it.

From being away from my N friend I can kind of see out side the fog now. 

You would know more but I think with what they do, they really are self-punishing themselves, over and over by proxy of us/children/family/co workers, whoever. 
They force others to say, shaddup, you are wrong, you are this, you did this to me, what are you doing, I hate you, your doing this wrong, your nuts, I need to get away from you and in the end make us RUN FOR THE HILLS but left with the pain of the cruelty we went through of loving a friend/family member just to think of them as dead. We abandon them for our own sanity. Are we not feeling what they have felt, feel?  Is that what they set out to do? Make us experience their life by manipulation.  Get so mixed up (like they did) we can't see straight so we retreat into grieving for the friend/family member that we regard with feelings of what happens with a death.  The person died. Maybe just like they feel about themselves, their souls, their kid inside. Their person *true person dies years ago* They are living like the body snatches, imitating life?

So aren't they repeating how they were treated? what they felt?  Refusing to grow up? Stay that child but so mad they are. That they are going to self-punish by punishing others?

Then they need to move on to victims just to start the self punishment all over again. Reel them in get them where they want them and start working on making them think/feel and go through the hell they made everyone else did before the new ones? 

Is it self punishment to themselves or are they out to punish all humans for how they felt inhuman due to whatever they experienced (abuse, neglect, whatever).


They really do loathe to be loved. 

Just some of my thoughts.

Love
Deb

[reallyME]

>>>>So aren't they repeating how they were treated? what they felt?  Refusing to grow up? Stay that child but so mad they are. That they are going to self-punish by punishing others?


I have to agree with this wholeheartedly, Deb.  X remains at a childlike age, yet told me I was the one who was stunted in emotional growth.  She definitely is angry about her past and I do believe she sought to turn me into a junior version of her, so she could be the personification of the "punishing parent" toward me.  As far as her punishing herself?  Well, she sure doesn't seem to be real upset about not having me in her life anymore.  Since people like that can just replace people, I'm not sure they feel any remorse for any length of time.  It's kind of like having an old car...once it stops serving you, you just trade it in on a newer model, right?  To people like X and your X, we were nothing more than objects that failed to function or never did function as they wanted us to.  (With X, the problem was, even when I DID function like a perfect clone of her, she then accused me of not being myself...it's a no-win situation)

[bean as guest]

RM,

ya know, listening to your cry (was it a cry? felt like one, but that could be me projecting), I was reminded of my best friend from Junior high school.  Tracy.  She told me that we would be best friends forever, that we would go to college together and room together.

Sad thing was I think it was me who drifted apart from her in high school.  Well, no - she became a cheerleader, and I wasn't.

Anyway, I still think of T with sadness, cause I wonder had I made different choices, could we have been roomies in college?

No, I know that's silly.  People make choices irrespective of what we do.  sometimes.

Don't you think?

hugs,
bean

[Hopalong]

Hi RM,
One thing she could never take away from you is your genuine heart, your honesty, your warts-and-all vulnerability.

None of that is wasted, all of it is precious, and you still have it.

You still have you.

love
Hops

[gratitude28]

And she's a fartknocker.