pity party?

[write]

does anyone else do this:

start by being upset about one thing, then relive all the other big griefs.

I was upset about my husband earlier, before I knew it I was crying about the relationship with my father, then the two other men who have been important disappointments in my life.

I ate a bag of chocolates and watched mind-numbing TV instead, but it was a short step to pity party 'no one ever loves me' type thoughts, which I know are poisonous for me.

Maybe there is a way to 'healthy' grieving, one google search coming up!

I do feel better for a good cry.

H looks wonderful, like a load has gone from his shoulders; I hope he keeps working on himself.

[write]

Small doses of self-pity for a limited period of time, especially for those of us used to putting aside our feelings for others is actually very healthy, and more often than not required.

interesting- I mentioned 'pity-party' to an acquaintance earlier and she said the same 'sounds like you need it'.
I can get myself into a very downward spiral if I give it free reign though, from experience.

Could it be that you're feeling a bit envious of your husband's seeming ability to be very happy about this break up at times, while you seem to be spiralling down into the depths of despair? (if I'm taking liberties here, please correct me).


I feel quite a strong twofold resentment:
1. why didn't he take steps to help himself before and not put me through so much ( even though I know it was only when I had enough and withdrew he would start to help himself it's not fair )

2. why have I had to be the one to take charge?
How bad was he going to let things get before he made a decision.

I'm not in despair jacmac, thanks for your concern; I'm actually more positive and healthy than for ever. But very upset.
I just don't think I know how to grieve really, what it's all about.
I read some stuff tonight on the internet, I think in the past my grief has gone round in circles.

My husband's current euphoria is drug-induced with a/d s. But he is enjoying the idea someone can help him. He says he didn't think anyone could; maybe he wasn't ready.

Part of my anger is that I should have withdrawn years ago.

I still feel mostly positive and je ne regrette rien...though that last line: aujord'hui ca commence avec toi- tomorrow beginning with you- is too much wishful thinking, and I decided I really must not jump right into a new relationship, even though I am terribly lonely and have been for years.


Thanks for the advice and grieving info, very helpful.

[tokyojim2001]

There is a very interesting book recently published, "Mind Wide Open."  It deals with brain function in layman's terms.  One of the topics leads the reader to conclude that it is can be best to repress feelings.

Our memories for strong negative emotional events are in the Amygdala and overlaps with the limbic system.  This is out of our control and was set there by a traumatic event.  For example, if one touches a dog and gets immediately bitten, this part of the brain, which is not in conscious control, forms the memory.  It can lead to a fear of dogs, related things and even to a full-blown phobia.  When one rethinks the event, the memory becomes stronger!

In addition, it has been discovered that the brain automatically makes associations in areas that are close by.  So, it is natural for negative memories to increase when one memory triggers the others only because the neurons are nearby.

All this means is that thinking of a series of bad events is really a physiological response, and not a dysfunction of the personality itself, even though it affects the personality.  

This also has implications to do with whether we should try to "work through" traumatic events and bad memories.  It may do more harm and increase their severity and persistence....

[rosencrantz]

That can be true - who wants to relive a car crash or a bomb blast if they don't have to.

On the other hand, if we are alert to the associations that come up in the context of relationships with other people, we can learn from these so that we do not repeat the experience in the future.

So I think it's true for situations over which we have no control but not so true for situations which may enable us to learn something useful and take active steps to prevent them in future.

And sometimes we have to relive them many times before the penny drops and we have enough knowledge and experience and insight and backup to 'get' the lesson.
R

[write]

I agree with not repeating patterns in relationships- though boy, it takes some breaking!

I am so bad at romantic relationships to date, they have always started as friendships but have always still gone wrong.

I think I am attracted to the outward qualities of narcissistic men but because of my early childhood I then tune out the abusiveness, getting involved anyway without setting my boundaries.

As time goes on and I learn more I can be more aware. I'm certainly better now at knowing what actually is and what I just wanted to believe.