Hi Izzy,
No computers wasn't my choice. It was my exs' fortay, i wasn't allowed to use his system, at least he did allow our children to use it, very sparingly. there was mush fuming and fonching over the problems they caused whenever they did, so I yeilded any access i mighthavehad to them. I was more important for them to be able to use it for their needs with school than for me to use it for myself. So last year when we sold our family home (at his demands) I bought my own system for me and our children. My eldest, who is almost 18, picked it out. My only requirements was that we would not outgrow it in 6 months, and it would be sufficient for me to finish my master in graphics/advertising/illustration. I have yet to apply it to my educational needs, but my eldest has way to much fun being able to play on line gaming, and the other two have equal unfettered use of our family computer. I do have much more access and freedom to use our new, state of the art system, but I prefer to share it,uninhibitedly, with my children. They deserve it just as much , if not more than I do right now. besides, it will be mine in to use in the long run.
As for the abuse, I can relate to evey slice in the pie of the chart....now. I don't know when it started, (yes I do. An isolated incident many years ago that weas forgiven and long forgotten or held against him) how long it's been going on, and how it got to be to the point it was, how it could build to where it did. It seemed like I just opened my eyes looked up,around and asked how on earth did I get here? I've spent the past 4-5 years learning how bent twisted and tied up in knots I have spent over the years with this man. I can't say I'd change it, I have the most wonder young people because of being with him. It's taken almost 5 years to help them toa much better place withinthem selvesd, and they do love their father dearly, accepting that he has some things to work out. Most importantly they are okay within them selves, and do not blame them selves or question what is wrong with themselves. They can work thru being made at me for their fathers noncompliances that prevent them from spending time with him. I succeeded at insulating them from their fathers violences towards me, for the most part, they have few memories. I do not feel remorse for that, I am glad they do not.
What now is left are beyond what I can help since I am now aware that I am in need, and not as okay and fine as I believed. I guess now that they are doing so much better, I have too, and can amit that I am in need of help. I suppose that brings us to my entries of today and to you. I am neither stupid , ignorant, nor uneducated. It's just so painful to admit that I could have been so blindly faithfull and totally commited to someone without realizing the truth and his true intentions. I am not compelled to understand what I can't, tell him what will fall onto deaf ears, baring my pain/soul/hurt to someone that could care less about me, the most important person in my worldI have spent over half my life with.
I have come to appreciate my parents, and my upbring they raised me with more and more thru the years. I was raised with parents who allowed me to have a voice to speak with, and as long as I did not misuse it or abuse it, they would listen to anything I had to say. I loved my ex to the point I lost myself. I liked who I was before our journey began, and now I am remembering and regaining who that was.
I'm afraid I get carried away, but I hope you find your answer, if not, I am more than willng to try as many times, in as many different ways I can come up with.
thanks,nogadge
