Hysterical Therapy Today

[isittoolate]

Hiya

Today I was feeling really quite well. I went to the Office and ‘socialized’ with one of the gals who brought me money and submitted an expense sheet. It was only because she didn’t leave and seemed to want to talk, so we chatted as I worked and I had her in stitches with certain words, etc. so we laughed a lot and then I helped her out with some computer things, by showing her on the Office computer.

Helping people makes me feel good too, so I was double feeling quite well when I arrived at the Therapist’s.

Next thing you know I have her laughing like crazy, even though this is a session.

I was amused at the thought of my mother or my father in Therapy….that they would never have looked inside themselves and wonder what was wrong!

I was amused about my brother and sister trying not to put me out during their visit.

I was happy that she thought about my theory that if something is “outstanding” with yourself at a certain age, then something might happen to your child at that age etc. down the line.

I had mentioned that I was sent to school at age 5, Grade 1, just to keep the school open and was frightened out of my mind. At age 5, my daughter loses her mother to the accident for a year, at age 4 years and 8 months, my eldest grandchild lost me (or vice versa) and she (therpist) studied that theory from last week to this.

Has anyone read the book  “Women Who Run With Wolves”? Apparently it is a book of different stories and in one, the soul of a newborn baby landed in the wrong ’class’. WOW! What a thought! MY soul landed in the wrong class, clan, family or wrong country??????? Oh how I would love to know!

I just said that when I look down at my body and wonder where my soul/spirit is all I visualize is a bunch of bloody organs.

She said I was a very logical person.

We talked about my sibs coming and the airport pickup and what I want to do for the visit—what I expected.

I think she has a handle, a good handle on me, and that she will do her best for me.

She really laughed when I said I have smoked for 50 years and I didn’t wrinkle because no one told me I was supposed to------you know ---no one ever told me anything!  AND that now I am down to 5-6 a day and WON’T quit in case my face falls off!

Yes it was therapy, not all laughing!

Love Izzy

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((IZ)))))))))))))

Reading your title, I was expecting hysterical - like breakdown hysterical. LOL

You ARE funny. I get a kick out of your jokes.

Yes, it is kind of funny... although not ha-ha funny... that our parents never look at themselves.

Thank you for the nice day's story.

Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Izzy...you are so alive.

thank you for being you.

 

Hops

[axa]

Izzy,

I have some sense that the shell is cracking slightly,  you seem to be reaching out to the world more....... dont know if this is how you feel but it seems like that for me. 

Thanks for your posts

axa

[isittoolate]

Thank you Beth & Hops....

and axa......

Yesterday was a prime example of how I've lived my life, and that appearances can be deceiving. I think it was good for the Therapist to see.

Just because I chatted with someone and was in the mood for levity (but shared nothing personal about self and therapy), it stayed with me to the Therapist's. That way I could be serious with the Therapy but I still kept returning to levity, so she saw how I had lived my life to survive amongst people.

Underneath is still the pain and hurt and the black sheep on the outside looking in. Laughter masks a heavy heart!

No, axa. I am still in there fighting to crack the shell.

Love
Izzy

[James73]

Hey Izzy, your day sounds good fun  making people laugh and having fun is what we all need, you may feel that the shell hasnt broken but it sounds like its weakened somewhat in preparation to being shattered at a later date, i'll give your shell a spiritual kick next time I see it ( a kick in the nicest possible way of course!  )
Love ya
James

[isittoolate]

Thank you so much James,

..but...
what it seems is not what it is. I would  like it to be, but I am still solidly emotionless.

check the last posts on the  Alec B/pig thread--re me!

Love and save the kicks for later
Izzy

[cats paw]

Hey Izzy,

  You just keep peck peck pecking away at that shell and the warmth you need to hatch will come when it's safe.

   I think it was in a post to Axa that I mentioned Women Who Run With the Wolves.  It was a while back, but I really enjoyed it at the time.   That's the wonderful thing about books and libraries- a book doesn't have to be purchased or even finished if one chooses not to!  I'm thankful for finding out that the library can get almost anything one wants to read- otherwise it would be mighty expensive.

cats paw 

 

[isittoolate]

Thanks cp

I understand it is a large book, but something I learned a the years went by is that I don't have to finish a book, or clean my plate, or basically,do anything that I don't want to do (within reason)

Time was I did everything I was told and was locked into a kind of fear/hatred of authority figures, parents, work supervisors.

Fun thing now, right now, I know my job better than my supervisor.

I did have a moment or two of "glee" when the Accountant to whom part of my work was 'out-sourced' couldn't balance by $18.08 and I told her to check Bank Charges from which month?---  and that was where the error was (by phone) and another error of misposting, but then I forgot the glee and just said to myself to feel happy that you knew and could help her out before she had to face the Supervisor

Izzy

[James73]

Hey Izzy, you may think you are solidly emotionless but we are all born with emotions you have just stuffed yours in a corner somewhere which many of us do, I know I did. Although if we never confront our own fears and demons we will continue to live ignoring our own faults and thus the faults of others, if we cannot confront ourselves how can we confront others? We are all here for you Izz,
love ya
James

[cats paw]

Izzy,

  I salute you for your choice to help her, and it's just human to feel that moment or two of glee in a situation like that.

  When I was talking about not finishing a book, I was rhapsodizing my own discovery of not having to finish!  I remember getting "Moby Dick" from the library a while back, but I couldn't get into it enough to get past the minute descriptions of whales and whaling.  It just wasn't what fit for me at the time, but I might try it again one day.

   I think this is one of the problems I have with procrastination with certain chores.  I'm fine in work situations, then I'm totally adult, but at home I start becoming a rebellious child within myself. 

   Seeing what you wrote about volunteering to help others learn the computer, no wonder you were so gracious when those of us had questions.  I appreciated not only your help, but the spirit in which it was given.

cats paw

[isittoolate]

Thank you CP

It is so nice to be validated for one's way of thinking/doing. I appreciate your kind words. I do love the computer and love to share that knowledge when someone is interested. It's my way of 'contributing to the needy' without having to man a Food Bank or something out of my league! If the computer question is over my head, I just say so, and that more than likley the person will need a technician for that job.

and James

There I go/went again, stating somethat can be misinterpreted.
"solidly emotionless" . I know I have emotions and I know there are somewhere but I cannot connect with them. That is what the therapist and I are working  with.

While just sitting I am in neutral and might feel a little down from last night's dream, but that levels off and I am in a state of 'content', which to me is neutral.

I haven't cried since 1992, and I seldom have shown my anger. Everything travels to this lost spot and gets 'put away'., but I often think that if I had a breakthrough and began tocry, I might never stop.

That makes me wonder if I might unconciously 'fight' finding my emotions. Therapy will tell the tale. At $106.00 hr. there might be a time I willl have to stop and live with where I am at that time.


Thank you
Izzy

[James73]

Hey Izzy, dont be afraid to cry, let it happen, it will help, and you will stop and feel drained but then you will feel a lot better after, trust me.
Hugs
James