Sheeva,
Look, I don't know you but I would like to help. You also don't know me, as I was on the board a long time ago, when I was battling my ex over my children. But I am honestly not trying to belittle your experience or baby you either. I think you are an honest, competent, intellegent woman who is currently in N-hell. I screw up sometimes, and I apologize for adding any salt to an unbearable wound.
I re-read something I wrote to you and I understand, now, why you might have been offended. It's so clear now, and I really am sorry. I can be pretty clumsy sometimes.
When I said the courts give preference to "parents who are not crazy/angry", I did not mean you were crazy. God, no.
I was speaking from my own experience. My ex made me feel crazy and I was extremely angry and it all worked against me, that's all I was saying. A horrid catch 22, to be sure. A mediator told me that my anger was sabotaging me, legally. She "got" who he was, understood he was a raging, abusive, horrible N, but she knew custody court, and she was right (in my case). I blistered from that for a long time. But my anger and pain poisoned everything in my life during that time and in retrospect, she was dead on about what happened. That may or may not be what's going on for you. I know that.
And that is what I meant by changing the way you play the game.That IS how I dealt with fighting an N is custody court. N's feed off of our (justifiable) anger at thier hands. They know how to hurt us and take great pleasure in doing so. In my case, the more I hurt, the more power he felt and the more out of control I looked. They way N's work is truly evil. Family courts are loaded with N's...on and off the bench, and it seems like a crap shoot to me, how judges rule.
And I know it sounds like I am talking from some other world, but I have been at the depths of the ocean, held down by an abusive N, while he dangled my children to taunt me. I am so sorry that I lost touch with that when I wrote.
My "real" experience with dealing with an N, is just what I wrote you. It is not everyone's way, but it was how I turned it around....in the real, physical world. Disconnecting from that "reality" (of hell) that was his making and making my own reality, turned out to work for me. Turns out the unrealistic stuff were the lies he tricked me into believing about my life.
I have nothing but admiration and compassion for you and your difficulties right now. I want you to get your life back, too. It's only because I got mine back that I believe others can, too.
It's ok with me if you reject my akward way of trying to say I care. I still hope you find your way out.
I was able to find some help through a website, and you might too. It's
www.thelizlibrary.orgA long time ago, when I felt I had nothing to lose, I contacted the moderator of the website (a lawyer). She put me in contact with someone in my city who she thought could help. It turns out I got some help from another source at the very same time for my appeal, but I was amazed at how helpful they were. It's just an idea, but maybe you could look into it?
Best of luck to you. With much love,
Mum