What my ex N taught me about custody court

[sheeeva]

What my N ex taught me about court.


1. N's will cheat all they can.
2. They will bring in people who will tell lies for them.
3. They will attack your mental status.
4. They hate to lose.
5. If they lose, its not over.
6. They will lie every time they open their mouth under oath on the stand, they tell half truths so its hard for the judge to tell which part is a lie, and which part is not.
7. They will pay their attorneys lots of money to get judges that don't care if they lie or not, they will get these judges to make outrageous orders that most people would be astonished at. They will get their attorneys emotionally involved, my Ns attorney told the judge he hated me so much, he wanted to get up on the stand and testify himself. 
8. They will claim they are stable and you are not, if any of his friends or family EVER witnessed you crying from his abusive behavior, they WILL be in court to testify about your mental instability and inability to take care of your children.
9. They will call state agencies to report you for imagined frauds and abuse and have you investigated over and over.
10. They will laugh at you when no one is looking, then resort to a calm dignified manner before anyone catches them.
11. DO NOT REPRESENT YOURSELF IN COURT, they will play a lot of DIRTY tricks.
12. They will believe that they have a special relationship with the judge and all court personal. You will think they do too, because the courts will most likely favor them.
13. They will not feel any remorse not matter how much they destroy and wreck your life.
14. Seeing how much you hate them for their sadistic ways will only fuel their desire to continue to drag you into these legal chambers of torture.
15. They will not pay any court ordered fees.
16. They will not follow any court orders, they will deny you visitation with your children and if you protest, they will make it look like YOU are doing something bad.
17. They will try to make the courts believe that YOU are the one breaking the orders, even if you follow them to the letter.
18. They will win 100% of the time if you do not have an attorney, don't even try to kid yourself that you have a chance if you do, no matter what proof you have that the N is a horrible person.
19. Stay out of court with a N if at all possible. 
20. Through the courts the N will shred your soul and when you hate the N with all your heart, it gives him purpose to life.
21. If you have to leave a N and you think court is in the cards, get all your ducks in a row, have many many witnesses, get some of the Ns outrageous behavior on video if you can, if the N hits you press charges, but the N is smart, they may stop hitting you when they sense you may be leaving.
22. The N is always suspicious, and also lays very good traps. Plans so elaborate you would never suspect that it is an attempt to set you up.
23. They do everything in their power to bring you back into their world, even if its only as a enemy, and the harder you fight them, the more worthy of an enemy you are, for when they beat you, they can gloat of their victories even louder. 

[Overcomer]

Many of these attributes are consistent with N's in particular.  It seems they spin the series of events to their liking and then call you unstable for getting frustrated or worse, angry.  They can point to your instability which has been caused by their crazy making.  I recorded my ex calling and propositioning another woman and in the court documents they demanded I turn over any illegal recordings of ex.  In other words, taking the evidence I had of infidelity.  Some other manipulations too!

[DivineSunshine]

Oh yeow Sheeva!


I will add this to my checklist and remain informed and warned.  I didn't mean to make it sound so easy, as I can see all of this actually happening with my soon to be xNH.  All of it.  I have seen him completely pound down any enemy and then come to everyone else for pity and sympathy for what THEY did to HIM.  I have seen him orchestrate the enire thing with others which is a reason I have to be so cautious and put up with absolute horrible behavior for just bit longer.  I can see it and he has orchestrated his family seeing one of my "breakdowns" from him driving me crazy just this past few months.  I can see him trying to get them on his side as well as the children.  I just have to fight and stay alert and prepared.

I hope to be able to record some things very soon.  It won't take long for me to just step innocently out of line and cause him to blow.  I won't risk it though until I have proof.  Thanks for the heads-up!  On many things with that helpful list since that is exactly where I am headed.
Good luck to you.  I DO know what you are up against and I feel for you. 

Take care,

Sunny

[sheeva]

I know this sounds like general personality traits of the N, but I have never seen anything about how they relate to court situations, and if this can help just one person, then its worth it to take the time to write.
I would strongly suggest that anyone that is naive about court proceeding go and learn all they can from this web site, as it is a very accurate portrayal of small town justice systems.

http://www.familylawcourts.com/

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((SHeeva))))

I am so sorry for what you have been through. How awful. I just can't imagine how hurtful and frustrating and scary that must have been.

Please keep coming here for support and to share your story.

What are you doing now? Are you working with a lawyer?

Love, Beth

[Overcomer]

Sorry Sheeva  I DIDNT mean to take away from your pain.  I am removed from my divorce by years but it is good reminders for us all.

[sheeeva]

I do not have a lawyer. I cannot afford one even in my wildest dreams. I have sought a pleaded and begged at least 50 different attorneys to work pro-bono on this case. No one has been able to help so far. I did have an attorney for a few months, but could not afford him for the duration that this case has taken, over 2 years so far. I am totally controlled by my ex, through the courts. I am in the process of resigning myself to this fate, as I am going to completely lose my mind thinking of the abuse my son will suffer at his fathers hands but THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. The only thing that I can do at this point, is walk away from everything, I have to escape the web of lies, misery, destruction and perpetual hatred of him by me, that is the nature of the relationship between me and the N. I am on the verge of madness. The N told me a long time ago, if I ever left him he would take my child, make my baby hate me, and drag me through the courts till our son turned 18, he is making very good on his promise so far. The only promise he ever kept. I know my son has love for me, he just has to hide it from his father, or he is spanked. He is also spanked for talking to me on the phone. I told my son to never forget that I fought for him, and I love him with all my heart, and to hide me away in his heart. I cannot go back to court without an attorney, and I cannot get an attorney until I have ten to fifteen thousand dollars, (estimates from several attorneys) because of the complexity of the case, (he spent so much time mudding the waters, and confusing the issue), there was a four day trial where I represented myself, and he talked about how horrid a person I was the entire time, and the best interest of our son was never brought up by anyone but me, and the judge thought I was such a scumbag by then, he totally ignored anything I said. I wake up every morning back in that court room, I fall asleep to that fateful day in that courtroom. I have vivid pictures of his mother screaming at me from the stand that I was going to kill my own child if he was left in my custody. I thought the judge would see how his entire family hated me, and how nuts they were ,but he was hand selected by my ex Ns attorney as a judge who likes these sorts of displays, and who sides with the most outrageous sides, had I only known, I too would have flipped out in court and screamed accusations. He was the 8th judge on this case, he was not even a family law judge, he was a criminal law judge and I guess in that family law case i was made into a criminal. My exs attorney screamed at me for hours while I cowered in the witness stand. My ex N smiled and nodded to the judge, and laughed and brought his girlfriend to court, not to testify, but to witness his power.  I really am sick about the whole thing. I am surviving despite everything though. In time I hope to heal, but who knows....

[debkor]

I'm sorry Sheeva for your pain.

Try to get an attorney.  If you can't afford one try legal aid.  Did you wavier your right for an attorney?
Also, look for a family service counseling in your area or something on that basis. 
I worked for one and we had a D.U. unit (court appointed psych team).  They would be ordered in (wife, children, father and whoever else they wanted to bring.  They were seen by a psychologist, psychiatrist, specialized MSW. They were all evaluated and a written report sent to the courts.
Alot of the times (especially with the men) I noticed that they were nervous and would run their mouths with us (me and other girl, office mangers) tell much of what they intended to hide in the room with the eval. They could not.  I have seen a Dr have custody and bash his ex-wife so bad who was fighting for custody back or at least shared.  He thought he was God Like and knew all the right moves to do. He even went off on me on the phone telling me what to do, when to do it and he was a Doctor. I told him I was not in his office he was in mine and Dr just meant he had a different job than I. He got real nice after that. I saw his true colors, they came out when I refused to do it his way. He lost it with me and worried about that. The eval was done and the court honored our diagnosis and suggestion on what to do with custody.  99% of the times the judge will go with an Eval.  Sheeva his wife got  shared custody back.  We saw he was abusive with her Sheeva!! he lied and bullied her and we saw it!!! Go to the professionals and fight your ex back with power and truth and a team behind you in court this time. 
So hon don't give up.  Arm yourself with knowledge and people.  Find a good attorney and a good counseling agency behind you. 
Take care of yourself and keep posting.
Love
Deb

[debkor]

Sheeva,

I'm sorry I was typing while you were posting.  I now see that you tried to have an attorney but could not afford one.
Now you arm yourself with an Agency who help Abused women.  They will be able to give you heads up on what next to do. Do not give up. Your going to need support and women's resources are wonderfull places. Look in your phone book what is available.

Love
Deb

[Sheeva]

When I left him I went to the only family that I had. They lived 600 miles from where he lives. He filed a court case on me a few days after I left him, just like he had promised. I cannot get help from legal aid in the county where the case is, because I am not a resident of that area, and the legal aid in my county cannot help because the case is 600 miles away. I have been depleted of all my financial resources in this two year battle, as he had 50% custody, and I was court ordered to do ALL the driving for custody exchanges, so I spent three days a month in my car driving 1200 miles. He was court ordered to PAY for gas, he never paid for gas, but I spent thousands of dollars on my credit cards and countless days in my car to take our son to him to honor court order. He told judge he didn't pay for the gas cause I got the expensive kind and used to much gas getting to him. The judge accepted this excuse. I am now in RN program where I live 600 miles from him. This what is going to save my future. When I am done I will be able to afford attorney. That is almost two years off though. I am sad about it. I cannot go to counseling with him, as I am so far away now. I am planning on moving back to the area when I am done with school. I love my son very much, I will never give up, but that is what the N expects.

The mediator saw my ex bully me, he bullied me in the mediators office and the mediator wrote a report that said I should have custody of our son, but N fought it, he knew that because I did not have attorney that I would lose. I have only been a good mother to my children. I have provided them with love, affection, and a home where they have all that they need. Without an attorney, they painted me as a monster. My ex Ns attorney actually told the judge that I was a "Seven foot monster, wielding my restraining orders like daggers, twirling them like batons, to pierce my ex, to sever his relationship from his son, and to eventually condemn him to a life in prison. It is her intent to have him jailed away from his son where he will never see his precious son again" those were his exact words.

I see that you saw my post.....I still wanted to post this. I think the more people who know what its like to leave a N, the more careful they will be. I researched this before I left him, but at the time, I could not find any info. It was not talked about.

[Margo]

I thought the judge would see how his entire family hated me, and how nuts they were ,but he was hand selected by my ex Ns attorney as a judge who likes these sorts of displays, and who sides with the most outrageous sides, had I only known, I too would have flipped out in court and screamed accusations. He was the 8th judge on this case, he was not even a family law judge, he was a criminal law judge and I guess in that family law case i was made into a criminal.

Ummmm.... what county and State are you located in?  Here..... DeKalb County Georgia...... the judge is selected by automatic lottery and nobody knows what kind of judge they're going to pull.  Margo

[mum]

Hi, Sheeva.
I have not visited here in a while, but today I did, and I think it was to see your post.
I was in a similar situation a few years back, feeling that my life was completely under an devious, destructive N's control, in and out of the courts. I felt your pain coming off the computer screen. Please know that you are not alone. N's know that the one thing they can "get us" with is our love for our children. It doesn't matter to them that they are also their children....the children become tools to bring us to our knees.
This pain is like no other. I just cried reading your anger and hurt.
It can take over your entire brain and spirit. Having your love for your children used against you is one of the more twisted things narcissists will do, and it's done all the time.

Please don't give up. Try to see through the pain you now feel to a brighter day. Can you imagine it? Give yourself glimpses of the life you want every once in a while. Don't let him take every single moment in your head. Reclaim it. Just a little at first.

Breaking away from this pain seems insurmountable, I know. It is not, however. We have power in us that can defeat any fear and any evil.
In these bleak times, give yourself the gift (that you DESERVE) of hope. Find ways to let the pain go (yup, I know...the hardest part) even in small amounts and let your brain rest from the obsessive worry and fear. Your mind is your own. You can imagine the worst or the best. Granted, it looks like the worst right now....but you can turn that power you imagine he has right now over on him in an instant! One day, you will be like me, looking back from the other side, saying "oh, my word, I did it. I took back the power."
You WILL be able to not only survive, but thrive AND keep your child. Keep reciting THAT in your head everytime you hear yourself say the opposite.

Look, there is a way. It is not easy (at first) mostly because of how overwhelming this pain is. But PLEASE keep faith...in yourself, in God, in the Universe, in the goodness that is there for us. The goodness that YOU are connected to, and the goodness that for whatever reason, the N's have disconnected from. It's still there. Inside of us. Powerful, intense, pure. It's love.

You know how to love, and that is your only "mistake"...one N's use to hurt us. But it doesn't matter what he does, what he says, how much money he has or who he knows. All that matters is that YOU find the power of YOUR love and focus on the good there is.
We tend to get in our lives what we focus on. So focus on all the love and empathy that I and the others here are sending you.
Allow hope to carry you. You have angels with you...all of us who have been there. We are all with you.
Do not let him take your spirit down the dark spiral of despair (I know they are good at that....but it's YOUR life, and YOUR mind, and YOUR child. Remember that.)

This will be your biggest challenge in this life. Not with him, for he is just a character in your life.... but with this awakening. This is your chance to FIND YOUR POWER, to connect with what matters. N's are afraid of just that, which is why they lie to us and control us and because of our loving nature, we allow them to. 

This is your chance to CLAIM what is yours. Your life. Get mad. Get happy. SO much is waiting for you to learn and embrace.
YOU ARE an incredible mother. YOU CAN win this. FOCUS on how amazing and wonderful you and your child are.

Forget about him whenever you can. He is not inside your head unless you let him be. Purge him from your head as often as you can (I used a flushing toilet image for my ex, considering all the s*** he gave me!!!). I used to "flush" him twenty times a minute. Do whatever it takes to imagine his energy leaving you (attach breathing to that, it really helps calm me down)..... and fill the void up with images of YOUR choosing!!! (happy, with your kid, away from him!!! YAY!!!)
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Sorry for the ramble... I just hope something lands and grows...I feel for you so much.
Love,
Mum

[CB123]

Mum, thank you.  I know your post was to Sheeva but it felt like cool water over me.  I needed it.

Today I took back my power.  I feel good.  I have more to share, but not on this thread because it is Sheeva's and because I want to do a couple more things first. 

I am so glad I have this board.

CB

[mum]

Hi, CB. We are all in this together. I am happy you found solace in my cheerleading for Sheeva. Any of this is for anybody going through this.
Divorcing an N is nasty stuff. How dare we, eh? 

But whenever we can detach from the emotion of the "battle" and take a larger perspective, we can give ourselves some compassion....and rest. Maybe then we can see that this is not really about them and the crazy things they throw our way to get us to think we are in hell.  But that it's OUR life and OUR journey and they are bit players put there to teach us something.

My ex N has been one of my biggest teachers in this life. I learned so much from him . He has NO idea of course, being asleep as he is, and if he ever heard that, he would say (typical N fashion) "of course....see? It IS all about me!!").
I felt like I was in a horrid swamp and he was the mucky water and whenever I got one leg out, I would look down and see tentacles of totall panic and fear grabbing me, pulling me down. When I started to detach and reclaim my life, I realized how skilled N's are (and THIS board really helped!!) at conjuring up illusions of horror. But that's what they are....illusions. They are no more real than any other thought we may have. Most of it is smoke and mirrors. And lawyers are not miracle workers, even if they are in our "camp". Nothing gets done "quickly" in the courts...nothing. And family court is especially slow. I learned to detach from any time deadlines I thought should be there.
It made my life that much easier. (I am referring to your other posts, about courts and lawyers, CB).

I have a little thing I go through whenever I go down the dark spiral of regret about the money lost fighting him, or money he is hiding, or the lack of financial support he is giving our kids, or the way he is in general:
(imagine the master card commercial):

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ spent on lawyers and court fees....
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ lost in child support and tuition aid......
%#^$&*@&#!!!!! in energy spent being angry and hurt......

Getting the a**hole out of my life.............PRICELESS!!!!

To Sheeva: Money is like anything else....it's just energy and pretty much a collective illusion. I don't really see the "money" in and out of my hands....it's just numbers. If you focus on feeling like you simply don't have the money to get a lawyer...that may be your "reality" but understand it's created in our heads first.
Now this may sound nuts (as if the above doesn't already), but I have seen it work for my family many times (and for me). If you truly want to be represented by an attorney, and if you believe that is what is best: you will. If you stop that thought every time it comes up with your percieved "reality" (I can't afford one) then you have deemed it so. That's ok, really. But everything in our life is how WE percieve it. And we are so powerful it's shocking.
Try, (ok, just try?) imagining yourself with a powerful ally in the courts (assuming you think it's what you need or want to win this....if not...carry on). Now don't put any stops on that (as in: how could that possibly happen? Not going to....etc). Don't worry about HOW. Just carry the mental picture and remain open to  it happening. This is where faith and believing and hope comes in. These "real" things that can come your way may always have been available, you just couldn't see them (our minds do amazing things). I bet something comes up for you...a WAY, a path, a possibility. These may be just the suggestions people have been making.....women's shelters who may know attorneys who work probono, etc... Just don't WORRY about the outcome. Focus on the good stuff in your life (there has to be something). ALLOW good things to happen, ok? This is the great mystery of life....how amazing it can be if we let it!

THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

This statement from your earlier post is incredibly powerful. You have deemed this so. I know how much work it takes to turn this into :I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT but it's entirely possible. Please make room in your head for that possibility, please. It is your way home. (make  some "room" by "flushing" that jerk out of your head whenever you can!)
I don't mean to sound harsh, or that somehow this is your fault (I went through that part and would love to spare you that). The only thing you did was get involved with someone who cannot possibly love the way you know how to. He is particularly skilled in making you feel certain ways (mostly bad!). If you feel crappy, it's most likely the "training" you recieved from the N. So don't give in to that. Just because you can claim your life back doesnt' mean you have failed in trusting it to this person!!! That is past. That is what happened. It is a memory, no longer real, no longer NOW.
I gotta go, but I WILL be sending you and CB and anyone else who is stuck in the negative with an N's debris: lots and lots of positive, high and happy energy so you can spend your thoughts in possibility, not limitations.
much love
Mum

[Gaining Strength]

Wow CB.  You have just given me the tools I needed today to get up an fight for myself. These words are very powerful and very helpful to me today. For me the victory is going to come in believing that I can affect change in my life--not just cower in the corner, hoping the damage he inflicts will be minimal.

I encourage you to make sure your new attorney understands your experience as you describe it so clearly here:
He is using the court system, and my reluctance to fight with him, as a way to continue to exert control over me.  Set up a court date and then cancel.  Make a settlement proposal and then refuse to sign.  Offer to negotiate over the phone and refuse to answer phone calls.  I am still too wrapped up in his games.  I need to turn this whole thing over to an attorney who will handle it without my emotions getting involved in it.

I am afraid of having to affect change in my life.  I have been cowering in a corner waiting for help.  Help is not coming.  I need to take a step and get beyond cowering.  Thank you CB - GS