---and now a word from your spinster---

[isittoolate]

On resolving early conflicts..... they're always very painful.  Most people can't do it, so I'm told by a very good friend in the business.  He says we spend most of our time going from one distraction to another in order to avoid pain.  Figuring out our demons is VERY painful, so it's usually not successful.

From Margo on shame thread.

I have such as fear that I cannot do it, after so much being ingrained in me for 68 years.

Visitors would come and say, “And surely you don’t belong in this family.” (One blond… 4 redheads.)

Eldest sister said I was adopted, that mom found me in a ditch and brought me home. I asked mom and she said, since she had no ‘truths’ about sensitive things, that she found me and brought me home---some coincidence.

I was thinking of the times I tried to be normal. I sent my siblings anniversary cards, birthday cards, and cards to my nieces and nephews. I was the only one so I eventually stopped, just as I had stopped dropping in to have a visit and “there was no visit to be had” so I would leave.

About 20-25 years ago I asked if we could all, just the 5 of us, no spouses get together for a chat, for a change. I wanted to talk about me and my problems, but no one wanted a get together without spouses. I felt then that the sibs relied on their spouses to lean on and I had none. And I didn't feel important enough to press the issue!

I grew up learning all levels of negative things and I could scream right now for ever having been born, for having to go over all this time and time again to finally reach my own conclusion which might not be any help at all.

Why couldn’t my father have kept his damned pants zipped that one time?

Just venting
Izzy

Oh--in those days I think the men had buttons, not zippers, nevertheless I wonder why mom wasn't the first Mrs. Bobbit!

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Izzy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That's a hug. Spongey shoulder.
You can scream into it.
WHY WOULDN'T YOU SEE ME?

'Normal' is a bludgeon, Iz. It's a big club, studded with tacks and weilded by trolls. In fairy tales.

You are a just fine human being who has survived pure hell. You are valuable whether your family knew your value or not. You are valuable whether YOU know your value or not. You are a precious and worthy variant of bland tapioca mindless herd reflex. Thank god. You don't kick like a bunny when someone whacks someone else's knee.

You are bright and brave and you put up with frustration every day that's more than I can imagine enduring for an hour.

You DO deserve love and acceptance and affection and a safe place to feel the pain you buried.

There is nothing wrong with you that loving yourself won't put right. And if you don't quite know how to do that, so what, you're learning. The body might be 67 and in any other way at all, that number is irrelevant to your value and your vitality as a human being.

Izz, so many people just sleep through it all. You're NOT doing that. You're laboring hard to reach the surface and I swear I believe you will.

I guess you have a point though...that's not "normal". It's not normal
TO
BE
THAT
BRAVE.

with love to you, real love and all the comfort cyberarms can send.

Hops

[teartracks]

Iz,

I'm sitting on a fence getting splinters in my a - -, feeling like I'm going to cry and laugh at the same time.  Laughter  not at the pain you feel, but how your comedic side comes out when you're expressing it.   Anyway, I think you're a pretty OK person just the way you are.  All of us here are tweaking, tweaking, tweaking,  I join Hops in sending hugs...

tt

 

[isittoolate]

Oh Hops

You are just so sweet and encouraging and say all the nice things that ought to have come to me from others. I wonder how really uncomfortable my family felt/feels about me?

My N sister liked to gossip about me, as it put her on the back burner, and I realize now, after speaking with my therapist that not one of them ever came forth to ask How this accident made me Feel, What were my plans? What would I do? Where would I live? . No one asked a damned thing. I went through all that without a family and still have. I cannot believe I didn't see it! Not one iota of concern to me when I needed the input (All I had was a sense they ignored me, as one of them might have to take me in, in my old age.)

I so wish I could  "get wth the program" with the snap of my fingers, and be the poster lady for peace and serenity.

"My what a spongy shoulder you have Grandmaw."
"All the better to wipe your nose on, my dear."

And you tt

"My what a splintery a** you have, Grandmaw"
"Shut Up and change my Depends"

Thank you  for the hugs and the OK slap on the shoulder!

Love
Izzy

[teartracks]

 

Iz, Hops,

We were born originals.  Lord help us not to die a 'copy'.

tt

[GS]

I so love that you are able to write about this hell you lived through.  I lived through hell too and have not emerged.  It does hurt and it does effect us for a very long time. 

[isittoolate]

Thanks again tt, and thanks GS and S+S


Pain for a very very long time----seemds a little silly to get through it all just to die! Oh I know I think negativel;ey and will until I feel a positive REALLY happening to me.

xx
Izzy

[teartracks]

Iz,

What is the spinster part about?

tt

[isittoolate]

tt

--and now a word from your sponsor, and I am a spinster so I threw that in--- just in case people thought that E-marketing had invaded our space----

[Margo]

On resolving early conflicts..... they're always very painful.  Most people can't do it, so I'm told by a very good friend in the business.  He says we spend most of our time going from one distraction to another in order to avoid pain.  Figuring out our demons is VERY painful, so it's usually not successful.

From Margo on shame thread.

I have such as fear that I cannot do it, after so much being ingrained in me for 68 years.

Visitors would come and say, “And surely you don’t belong in this family.” (One blond… 4 redheads.)

Eldest sister said I was adopted, that mom found me in a ditch and brought me home. I asked mom and she said, since she had no ‘truths’ about sensitive things, that she found me and brought me home---some coincidence.

I was thinking of the times I tried to be normal. I sent my siblings anniversary cards, birthday cards, and cards to my nieces and nephews. I was the only one so I eventually stopped, just as I had stopped dropping in to have a visit and “there was no visit to be had” so I would leave.

About 20-25 years ago I asked if we could all, just the 5 of us, no spouses get together for a chat, for a change. I wanted to talk about me and my problems, but no one wanted a get together without spouses. I felt then that the sibs relied on their spouses to lean on and I had none. And I didn't feel important enough to press the issue!

I grew up learning all levels of negative things and I could scream right now for ever having been born, for having to go over all this time and time again to finally reach my own conclusion which might not be any help at all.

Why couldn’t my father have kept his damned pants zipped that one time?

Just venting
Izzy

Oh--in those days I think the men had buttons, not zippers, nevertheless I wonder why mom wasn't the first Mrs. Bobbit!

Wow..... (((Izzzy))  Why can't it be easier to figure this stuff out and leave it behind?

Margo

[isittoolate]

Yes. Margo,

There ought to be textbook, a class, whatever on LIFE
No. 1) It ain't easy
No 2.) It's yours 'til you die! (or 68 whichever comes first!)

Thank you S+S

I bet people with a sense of humor suicide less than those who dont!

You are probably right, as well as people who read Murder Mysteries and read all the gory details.

Do you know where a woman's 'yet' is?
Love Izzy

[gratitude28]

Izz,
I am not quite as mature and wise as you... but I too have been made out to be the "alien" of the family my whole life. I was the weird one... the one whose figure was not like my mother's...The one who couldn't do anything "normal." Now that I am dealing with these issues, that rebuke is starting to fade.
If you get a textbook on life, please make me a copy. Or maybe we can write one???
Love, Beth

[isittoolate]

Well Beth,

Some things stay the same.

I haven't heard a word from my eldest sister since August of 2006, when I had sent her an email she didn't understand.

I heard from the next oldest sister with the F***ing email I posted here for all to see that she  is NOT a Christian, and is hiding in denial for all the instigating crap she began when she was very young. We will never talk again.

I wrote something for my daughter's 43rd birthday on May 13th, accepting all the blame.

I’ll always remember the day you arrived
My nervous mistakes and yet you survived.
Then you were happy and so was I
As we spent years together, my daughter, my pride

I didn’t know how defective I was
But you made your escape when you met Gus.
Surrounded by panic from that time on
And it’s still with me for what I have done.

There are times to hang on and times to let go
The confusion is mine because of what I didn’t know
Some things in life cannot be repaired.
And the guilt that surrounds me will always be there.

The life that I’ve lived, and the life that I dreamed
Are so damned different and I cannot be redeemed.
I was a child alone: the solitude remains
But now I know I was built on shame.

This followed by a short message and I have yet to decide if I will send it.  We have never had a chance to talk, face to face, about all the traumas she and I have endured--to me, both with an N, there is much similariaty. I will read that tomorrow ands say--oh what crap--where was your head????

Then my younger sister and brother, the youngest of all, 63, will be here for 1½ days in August. I wonder what will transpire. I  trust it will be peaceful.

Beth you are probably more mature and wise than I. I have flown by the seat of my pants for 68 years--no guidance!

Yes! Let's write a book, and we will include all the things that children are not told--like Ns and Ps and that after a girl loses her virginity, there is a hymenal ring that stays inside the vagina for a lifetime and is not extraneous flesh that is going to eat her alive!

# 1 BEST-SELLER-

Love
Izzy

[gratitude28]

I'm still a virgin, so not sure what you mean about the hymen thing LOL. You know what, sex was the most taboo, craziest making subject in my house. I am totally upfront with my kids about any of those questions (but I answer only when I am sure that they know what they are asking. You know... sometimes they ask where babies come from but theya re really asking if they grow from seeds.)

I love the poem to your daughter and I think you should send it. It is very sweet.

***********Iz**********

A Star is Born.

Love, Beth

[isittoolate]

Thank you Beth,

You? A virgin? How did you manage that??

Sex was always taboo in our home too, with Mom and Dad sleeping in separate rooms, I guess she was impregnated by something like osmosis.

Daughter came home from school one day and asked if she could ask me a question and I said, "Sure".

"What;s a blow-job?"

Cough, cough, "Mmmmmmmmmmm In what context did you hear this word?"

It was what I expected and I told her as we had tuna salad sandwiches for lunch.................................

Glad you like the poem. I will see if others might think to put some onus on her, but from me? The onus is on me!

cheers
xx
Izzy