Portia, After reading your post, I could see how she resembled the mother in Ab Fab. I am new to this but I want to say that yes, you should not have been treated that way. It was unfair, unjust, horrible to have to go through a childhood without the least stability as you have.
"I left at 16 to live with Dad about 2 hours drive away. At 18 I had appendicitis. I said “don’t tell mum” (because I knew we mustn’t worry her, must we). Of course he did tell her. I was in hospital 4 days and 2 weeks recuperating. She never came. "
It is things like this that affect you for life. As a mother I cannot fathom not coming to the hospital to see my daughter.
“Oh darling I just knew something was wrong. I spent the whole day fretting and {step-dad} didn’t know what was wrong with me. I thought I was worried about your aunt because she was ill but then when your dad rang I realised I was picking up that you were ill. Isn’t that amazing, I can feel that something is wrong with you over all those miles. I guess that’s the mother-daughter bond.”
It's all about her, huh?
“I think about you every day you know” (translation: that excuses the fact I don’t write, phone or visit).
Again about her. What about your feelings? Her "explanation" brushes off your own pain. So her thinking about you should be enough for you. I again cannot imagine ever doing this to any of my children and I really feel for you .“
Maybe your mom hated your best friend so much because she felt that you were giving the attention/ affection that was rightfully hers to another.
"There are no photos of my mother holding me, let alone looking at me."
I too never got held, hugged, kissed. Do not remember any affection whatsoever. I see what lack of touch does to my kids when I'm too busy, etc. for a day or so. Then I give them lots of hugs, kisses, affectionate words and they're soothed so much by this. No affection over an entire childhood would definately cause deep scars in adulthood.
The world
" I feel GUILTY spending time with this board. I should be ‘doing things’."
I've felt the same way. I won't be able to get on this board as much for the rest of the week. I need to do other things! But the fact is, this board really does help. And there's no need beating yourself up about it. You ARE doing something by attempting to make sense of/ heal from your abusive past.
-E
