Parents' Tactics

[Overcomer]

I got married five years ago and my h's parents moved to Arizona so we see them and talk to them very rarely.  His younger sister has always been a problem child.  She is 40 years old but has never been able to get life.  She gets a good job and loses it.  She gets another good job and loses it.  Her parents have had to bail her out over and over again.  She is an alcoholic and pretty much a loser, I guess.  Cute, smart, educated - but just doesn't get it.

So apparently there is this unwritten rule that she needs to be taken care of - she is the baby.  So the other sister who lives in Kansas has taken care of her for awhile.  The parents are in their 70s.

So they drive her to our town (which is the town she grew up in) and drop her off at a Extended Stay Hotel.  Well, my husband has been telling me that they think it is our turn to take care of her.  Well, I have three kids and one is autistic....we have too much on our plate already. 

So his sister gets a job and doesn't call in one day so she put my h's name as an emergency contact.  They called him.  He called her and chewed her out for not calling in.  My husband cannot control his anger and pretty much yelled at her.  He used to do the same to me until I told him "there is the door!"

Anyway, so his mother calls him and yells and screams at him for yelling and screaming at his poor little sister.  But she did something that even my parents don't do - she said things like, "if you think by serving communion you are going to heaven, you've got another thing coming."  She has also called him and overgrown lumox.  He was never able to speak when he was a kid.  His parents paid for college for his two sisters but not him.  He has gotten pretty successful without the degree and they berate him for "his high and mighty job."  Or "all you think about is your job."  "You need to take care of your sister."

I understand now why my h is an alchy.  His mother is very mean spirited.  My mom is manipulative.  His mom is exploitive.  They think it is his turn to take care of his little sister.  I told him to tell them that he will not be responsible for his sister.  It is HER responsibility to take care of herself - she is 40.  I told him to tell them we have too much on our plate.....and I cannot have his alcoholic sister living in the house with my three daughters.....why would I expose them to more dysfunction?

So here I am.  I have a horrible mother and he has a horrible mother.  It's like we both sit there and complain about our mothers.  Oh, it is easy for me to tell him how to handle HIS mother......but boy, I get entangled with my mother and have a very hard time getting untangled...........If I stand up to his parents, I will get on their list.  Right now I am loved and liked by them......but if I set boundaries with them I can kiss any relationship goodbye.  In a way, I told him he should divorce his family.   We have seen them all of three times in five years - it's not like we would be missing anything and as long as we don't take care of his little sister we will be on their list as well. 

Any insight??  I really am just venting.

[cats paw]

Hi Kelly,

   I don't think you're just venting all the time, I think you're trying to work through things. All I can say right now is that sometimes when I read your posts, I get a feeling of almost franticness.  You're trying and trying and trying and sometimes I think whew she must get really worn out but she just keeps going like she almost has to.

   I do not know if this is one of the questions that would help you or not, but I wonder- what it is that you fear?  Or are there multiple fears that would come up?  You identify the legitimate surface fears, yet do they point to deeper fears of yours?

   This could be just me projecting, so feel free to tell me I'm all wet.  Some cats don't mind water.

cats paw

[Overcomer]

Wow!  You are not the first person to use the word fear!  I think my biggest fear is not being able to break away or be free.  I have been plotting my escape from my mom for so long and it just doesnt happen.  Even after this thing with my h family leaves me planning my exit from the marriage.  But my doc told me no matter how far I run-I will still be there!   Frantic?  Yes!  I am so fed up with the drama, the manipulation-I just want to run away!  IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHING-IF NOT ONE THING ANOTHE

[Gaining Strength]

Overcomer - I agree with cat's paw - you are working things through with your mother.  You have not broken free yet but you are.  That is what your "venting" is about, it is getting clarity, it is sorting through the tares to see what is right and what is not.  You see no outward progress but you are making progress on an unconscious level - it is just slow.  Now this issue with your husband's family comes up and it is too much.

I came across a website I wish now I had posted here -it was about controlling parents.  It equated using "obligation" with abuse.  Your in-laws are trying to put obligation for your sister-in-law on your husband because they are powerless to do anything themselves and want to put the responsibility on someone else.  They are frantic and raging and shaming.  From what you post, they have been shaming your husband his whole life.  It will be very difficult for him to get through this without being hit below the belt with shame.  He will need a lot of support and encouragement from you.  As you do this for him you will be building strength and courage for yourself in your own needs concerning your mother. 

This actually could be a blessing - a call to arms for you to deal with one and then the other.  I believe you can do it.  You and your husband must join together over this issue.  Together you can stand up to his mother and then to yours.  I know you can do it and you will be stronger when this battle is over.  What do you think?  - GS

[Overcomer]

I will find it easier to deal with his parents because 1) I am really not personally involved - yet 2) he already is free from them less the guilt they are throwing on him and 3) they live in Arizona.

With my parents, I 1) work with my mom, 2)they live in the same town, 3) I love my dad 4) I want my inheritance!!!  I know people have said that it would be better for me to break away completely and forget the money.............but the truth is, I don't want to break away completely.....my family gets together at Easter and Thanksgiving, etc.  I mean, my WHOLE family - maybe 30 of us......so I cherish those times........................it is just this major enmeshment that my mom and I have that I am trying to get free from.

Yes, I am making progress and I know, that I know, that I know that what I am doing is right but the shame and guilt and labelling of instability make me mad.  I just want my mom to ADMIT something!!  I know she won't and that is what drives me crazy.

I guess I just need to have the attitude that I have with my ex husband.  I always say, "I have invested too much emotional energy in him during the marriage, why would I put more emotional energy into him now that we are divorced."  But with my mom there is no getting away from her.  She talks of walking on eggshells.  GOOD!!!  She made me walk on eggshells for my entire life, it is HER turn!!  Somehow that gives me a little control, doesn't it??  Yea!

[Overcomer]

Do you remember in the movie Dirty Dancing when Baby says she is afraid of walking out that door and never feel the way I feel when I am with you.  That is my fear in reverse-that I will never walk out that door and I will always feel the way I feel when I am with her!