The Dreaded Enmotional Holiday -- Mother's Day. The curse of an Nmother!

[Motherless]

Am back writing to this board after an absence of several years. My user name is different but the problems/baggage is still there.

As an overview - Nmother, controlling, vitriolic, toxic, abusive, guilt big-time, many of you know the drill. Dad died and myself and my husband got caught up in her web. Am one of two, my sister leaving in 1971 and haven't seen her since. Took care of them both every weekend, basically for the first 15 years of our marriage. My Dad lost both his legs to diabetes - she became the victim, not him.

After 6 years of Hell dealing with her after his death, we finally put our foot down. Taking care of a Narcissist remote doesn't work. She wanted to come and live with us. I don't think so. Sold the house and put her in an Assisted Living community. Very, very nice place - most elderly people I know would love to be able to afford to live there. She called it prison, acted out, threatened suicide, abusive to the staff. All to get me out there at all hours. Control and manipulation - she is a master at her own craft. She only lasted a scant 3 years there. There were countless trips to the psych ward, phone calls at 2 in morning, calls from the staff, etc. It was awful. I could feel the cold pit of fear in my stomach everytime our phone rang.

Finally, after the last big scenario we said enough was enough. We were fortunate to actually find a facility close by that offered geri-psych care. All residents come through a lock-down psych area on the first floor. The accepted her. That was May of 2005 and I haven't seen her since. The resident staff know how to deal with her type.

I pay the bills, buy her clothes/Depends which my husband (he is so good) drops off at the front desk on his way to or from work. He doesn't want to see her either or have a confrontation.

I still have weak moments when I feel I should go to see her. Sanity overtakes me and I make the decision not to. I know that I am not strong enough mentally to deal with what would or could come out of her mouth.

Mother's Day is looming ahead. I have such a hard time dealing with that stupid holiday. Ads in the paper for restaurants, ads in the mail for gifts, flowers, candy, cards, and perfume.
I cringe when I overhear people talk about all their plans for the day. It makes me sick to my stomach and the depression becomes overwhelming.

Am hoping that there are others out there that feel the same way.
Please help me out.

[Gaining Strength]

We never celebrated Mother's Day growing up.  My NPD father was against it.  It was a "made up" holiday by Hallmark to sell cards.  That suited me fine.  Then as I was aging and longing for a child I began to hate it, resent it.  Then I had a child.  I told my little boy the other day that to me Mother's Day is all about him because without him I would not be a mother and the only recognition I want is to thank him. 

I have never been a Mother's Day celebrater.  I don't loath it anymore just find it inconvenient to go to lunch that day.  But I have great compassion for you.  I can relate to your post.  I feel that agony when I hear others talk about loving holidays with their family.  I once felt that way - so long ago.

[tayana]

I dread this holiday.  Actually, I dread all holidays, but this one more so than the others.  I don't like having to buy a gift for my mom, and then having to pretend that I really care about how she feels about it.  There's always something wrong with what I get.  And if I get her nothing then I'm being a bad daughter.

[mountainspring]

Hi Motherless,

I know the drill.  I also deal with the rage that comes from having an Nmom.  The mind games, controlling, and all the darts they are so good at throwing our way is maddening sometimes.  Very limited or no contact is what works for me.  I know where you are coming from.

You could make this Mothers Day different though.  Instead of wondering whether or not to see her and thinking about the past, determine to make it a very good day for you.  Plan it ahead of time. Make her powerless over you.

Do you have a favorite restaurant? Go, enjoy your meal, and don’t call it Mothers day, call it Freedom day.  It’s just another day of the year.  No biggie.  After your meal do something you enjoy.  Visit the tourism page in your state and find somewhere that sounds like fun, then hang out there… all day long.  And make sure you take along your favorite music to play in the car, or find a comedian you like and buy his/her CD and play that.  Concentrate on making your day as much fun as possible.  And come home tired.

Part of healing from an abusive past is taking our power back.  For me, taking my power back doesn’t mean power over anyone.  It means that I refuse to let my mother determine how happy I will be.  It’s a process and I haven’t arrived.  A phone call from my mother can still set me off.  But the more I tell myself the truth and act on the truth the better I feel.  When I act on what I know to be true in my mind, rather than the grief I feel in my heart, then slowly my feelings about it change.  But it takes practice and it’s a process.  I don’t pretend to be there, but I am walking the path and I hope one day I will be there.  One day I hope to be totally unaffected by her games and her phone calls.

Motherless,  ignore the ads in the paper, buy yourself some candy and flowers and when you hear others talking about their plans, think about yours.  And remember the truth.  You deserved to have a loving, kind mother.  Her abusiveness is all about her and had nothing to do with you.  And remember you are not alone, others are walking the path too.

MS

[Gaining Strength]

Part of healing from an abusive past is taking our power back.  For me, taking my power back doesn’t mean power over anyone.  It means that I refuse to let my mother determine how happy I will be.  It’s a process and I haven’t arrived.  A phone call from my mother can still set me off.  But the more I tell myself the truth and act on the truth the better I feel.  When I act on what I know to be true in my mind, rather than the grief I feel in my heart, then slowly my feelings about it change.  But it takes practice and it’s a process.  I don’t pretend to be there, but I am walking the path and I hope one day I will be there.  One day I hope to be totally unaffected by her games and her phone calls.

Wow!  That's it.  Thanks

[Motherless]

Dear MS...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I read your post with tears in my eyes... and I am not being overly dramatic. Holidays are always difficult for me, this one coming up is the worst.

Am also compounding it with the sad fact that my husband and I were never able to have children. There were many years of IVF and disappointment. Of course, that was another checkmark on my list of failures/embarrassment where my Nmother was concerned.

Your words have hit home... proving that sometimes we forget about ourselves and only concentrate on "the Problem", a.k.a Mommy-dearest. Your message has helped me snap back into a mindset that is healthier and positive. I know that I tend to get sucked up into my head with all the grief, and bad things that she did and said to me.  It's also a good thing for me to hear that it's a process, not an immediate cure.  I am 53 and still walking that path to better mental health. It has been a very long, and dark journey, but hindsight is 20/20. I try and remind myself that I have a loving husband, wonderful, close friends and people who really care. That knowledge does help outweigh her onmipresent shadow.

Planning a enjoyable day on Sunday is an excellent suggestion.  As you said, it's only another day in 365.

[mountainspring]

((((Motherless))))

[Stormchild]

She called it prison, acted out, threatened suicide, abusive to the staff. All to get me out there at all hours. Control and manipulation - she is a master at her own craft. She only lasted a scant 3 years there. There were countless trips to the psych ward, phone calls at 2 in morning, calls from the staff, etc. It was awful. I could feel the cold pit of fear in my stomach everytime our phone rang.

Motherless - your mother isn't just N; she's a Borderline. You found the only real solution, given her age and how entrenched the pathology is.

This is a link to a very short abstract - a very shocking abstract - a mental health professional is taking the position that some individuals actually make a career out of their illness. My mother certainly did this. It appears that your mother has, as well.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=15839765&dopt=Abstract

Here is a link to a short description of parasuicidality - also quoted below.

http://www.bpdresources.com/selfinjury.html#Parasuicidality

"Suicidal ideation is the last bastion of personal power for one who has been abused. When one experiences severe abuse, abuse that brings them in touch with the reality of death or the end of self, or self determinism, suicide is the last point at which they can say to themselves, "If I am to die anyway, or have become so damaged that life is no longer worth living, I at least have the power to take my own life." The thought of having such power, over and above the power of their abusers, the power of their pain, gives the individual strength. Sometimes it assists the abused individual in coping with the memories, the flash-backs, the sense of worthlessness that comes from a history of severe abuse.

Nevertheless, it also becomes a tool for control, long after the abuse has past. I remember using suicidal threats as a way of getting people to listen to me, to do as I asked, or to hammer home the need for them to feel sorry for me. I also found that using this tool gave me a "heady" feeling, a high if you will. That is because flirting with death gets the adrenalin flowing. This can become quite addictive, for adrenalin also causes the release of endorphins. These are chemicals produced by the brain that act on the central nervous system creating a sense of intoxication. Most street drugs are designed to mimic or trigger endorphins. This, in turn, generates a physical and psychological dependency.

Therefore, using suicidal threats, and entertaining suicidal ideations can become addictive and an extremely difficult habit to break. The main problem with this is that this addiction, like most others, can be lethal. To be sure, while one is under the influence of endorphin intoxication, they often feel all powerful, invincible, and thus lose sight of the reality of things. In this state one could, quite conceivably, kill themselves without really meaning to do so.

Of course, when I was in that position, I worked very hard to convince myself that my death would be of little consequence. I had no idea that in doing such a thing, I would have become an abuser too, the very type of individual I hated so much." -- Kerry Dennis

this is all going to look very, very familiar to you, I think. ((((()))))

Mountainspring gives excellent advice. Celebrate your freedom!

~~~~~~~~~~~

MS, at the risk of diverting the thread, I just wanted to tell you that you have an awesome Voice. It is wise, and it is honest, and it is kind.

[Overcomer]

I agreed to in untie umpteenth MOTHER DAUGHTER banquet on Saturday-I hate them but somehow feel obliged.  The worse one was when she was awarded Mother of the Year.

[Overcomer]

I AGREED TO GO TO THE        Sorry I should read these before I send them

[Hopalong]

OC,
You look flushed. I think you're coming down with something.
Yep, it's one of those viruses that incubates for about 7 days before you're suddenly sick.

Mmm-hmmm. I'm afraid by Saturday night you'll be sick in bed, you'll need 24 hours of peace and quiet. No going out, sorry.

Hops

[cats paw]

Kelly,

  Maybe your fingers made a wise Freudian slip-  "untie" !

cats paw

[Overcomer]

Well I use T9 on my phone and sometimes you type in your word and have to push next to get the right word!  I need to untie myself.  Cough-oh I am getting really sick!

[Motherless]

  Then, I get embarrassed and stop talking about her. BUT, I am still  THINKING about her. . A friend said to me last week,"You have to get over your mother" . Of course ,she is right.  .


Most of my problem regarding my mother is that I feel such loss. The thinking part is, "how come she didn't love me?" There was never really anything there, just a void, blank, empty. I was looked at as a possession, not a daughter who had tons of love to give, respect, and admiration.

Just like a death, it's a grieving process. Letting go of what was never there and coming to realization that it never really existed. That's the hard part, letting go.

I have many friends who are so kind and considerate, understanding what my situation is. Then there is always the one off, who will make some unthoughtful remark, like - "How could you never see your mother again", she's still your mother you know". ARGGGGGGH!!!

Yet, we who are in the same boat still have to deal with the insensitive types and try and forget their comments.
Another cross to bear.

[Overcomer]

Mother.....the nosiness in me wants to know your old name since I have been posting on and off since 2004.......

Maybe we will get to that point.  My grandfather was a very mean man.  He wouldn't work for anyone.  He never had a nice thing to say about anyone!  Well, I am afraid my mom is following right in his footsteps.  She told me about the time when she finally didn't allow him to control hers and everyone elses lives.......................she finally didn't care anymore.  He lost his power.

Anyway, I think she is getting to that point.  I am to the point that I no longer care what she thinks anymore.

But here's the thing.............................because of how my grandfather treated people, when he got old and was put in a nursing home (he had Alzheimer's) no one came to see him.  Oh, I think his son (who lived in the same town) made the obligatory weekly visits but my mom and my aunt rarely made the hour and 15 minute trip to see him.  I didn't go see him for probably the last 8 years of his life.  I don't think any of the other grandchildren did either.  Only when they called and said, "Your father's blood pressure is very low and he might not make it................." they made the trip to see him.  You see, he died a lonely old man.  And if my mother doesn't change her ways, she will die the same way.  She will be all alone in a nursing home and no one will come and see her.  She has demanded respect and admiration and obedience from all of us......most of it unwritten, but still known.........assumed  (ass out of you and me......but that is another discussion......)

So, motherless, you have reached that point, I guess.  Your mom and my grandfather met the same fate.  Be mean and ugly to people and when you are old you will have no one!!

I read a quote somewhere and it bears repeating here..............."Be nice to your children, they are the ones who get to pick which nursing home you will go to................"