Guys....

[WRITE]

I say guys I am sure there must be women like this too but a guy at work today ran after me for my phone number. He's very pleasant, but I said 'I'm not dating at the moment'. I don't want to date anyone from work, I am learning my lesson about being careful not to screw up work/hobbies/church etc by getting romantically involved there! also I take things really slow. But I did say very confidently 'I thought you were married!' and from his response it was obvious he was!

Does he not get that that shows all I'd need to know about their attitude to women and values?

I've had more approaches from married men than single so it's not uncommon either.

[James73]

Hey Write, yeh a lot of people are like that and not just guys either, Ive experienced a women coming after me when she had a boyfriend/husband and Im like thinking so if you do that to your bf or husband how are you going to treat me?! Its the old thing where people are scared to ditch a lover and be alone so they just end up cheating on them because of their fear which then makes them a cheat with no respect for anyone but themselves which dooms them to live a pretty shallow and sad existence really. In my old office days everyone seemed to be at it, i couldnt believe it sometimes, married people, family men, girls with fiancées, you name it they were doing it, Im glad I never got mixed up in it all as a i didnt really know myself at the time anyway but also it just wasnt me, hey if people go to one another this is casual lets see other people and really mean it then hey Im down with that, not my cup of tea but hey, but to just be with someone for ages and then just cheat on em well thats just sad for the cheater as they have no respect for themselves or for others, i would rather be the cheated on than be the cheater any day of the week - more painful at first but conscience free and compassionate to others in the long run, do unto others n all that    when im up to dating again its going to be a bit daunting trusting people after seeing how so many act behind peoples backs, still everyone makes mistakes but some seem to make it into an art form!

[debkor]

Write,

My H used to think, I swear, that every man on earth maybe the universe has had one or two affairs.  If they said they didn't then they are lying. 

Every woman somewhere along the line will cheat on their husbands because he had seen a lot of it.   


If a married man has an affair with a married woman then what business is it of their spouse. It had nothing to do with them and none of their business. It is between the two people having an affair.   

If your not married but in a relationship committed to each other and you go with someone else then technically you are not really cheating. Why? Because you have to be really married to be cheating according to the law.  If your not married your not really cheating. 

Um, What!  Yes these are some of the things I have heard.  I think he really thought I would say, oh yes, you are right, I do see it your way now.  It really made sense. Thank you, Oh wonder of the World. 
 

Love
Deb

[axa]

Deb,

What you wrote was just the sort of thing Xn would say to me.  I know he cheated with his xwife...........but then as he said she was his wife!!!!!!!!!!!! so technically it was not cheating.  WHAT they split up 10 years ago, court, settlements etc........  they are just plain crazy.

As for infidelity...........as far as I am concerned it is the final insult.  XN told me he was not sorry for having sex with his xwife but he was sorry for hurting me.  Sounds to me a bit like I am not sorry for punching you in the face but I am sorry it hurt...... ah yes, the great Narcissistic rationilisation.................

axa

[Brigid]

As for infidelity...........as far as I am concerned it is the final insult.

I would absolutely agree with this.  In my case it was particularly insulting, as my xnh hadn't wanted to have sex with me for nearly 20 years, then he leaves me so he can have sex with someone else (a married woman with 2 children, who had already divorced one husband to marry a guy she was cheating with).  Of course, my ex felt justified in doing this because, after all, it made him happy and he had a right to be happy, God would want him to be happy, blah, blah, blah.  My therapist explained it was because he couldn't be intimate with someone who is available.  An n chooses to be with someone who is unavailable, so there is no real connection or emotion involved (thus the additional interest in porn and masturbation).

I would also agree with James, that I would rather be the one who was cheated upon than the cheater.  At the end of the day, after dealing with all the misery and devastation, I can look myself in the mirror and know that I was not the one who ignored my vows before God.  I have said it here before, that cheating is the most disrespectful thing that someone can do to someone they profess to love--whether they are married or not.

Brigid

[axa]

Brigid,

 My therapist explained it was because he couldn't be intimate with someone who is available.  An n chooses to be with someone who is unavailable, so there is no real connection or emotion involved (thus the additional interest in porn and masturbation).[/b]


XN's excuse for not having sex with me was because I had undermined him so much - I had suggested that the physical side of our relationship be satisfactory for BOTH of us!!! How dare I want anything out of our sexual relationship.   I think your T is right.  The thought of an emotional connection with XN was enough to send him over the top.  He, I believe, is addicted to porn and masturbation - easy stuff no human connection.   Also he is now back with xwife who is an extremely cold cut off person.  In the time I was with him I never saw her touch her children even though she rarely saw them.   


I never want to be cheated on again and I have no interest in cheating with anyone.  I cannot understand why someone would go to all the bother of lying and cheating and all the angst that goes with that...well on second thoughts if it makes them happy!!!!!!! Which is where the N is coming from.


axa

[teartracks]

Hi WRITE,

Does he not get that that shows all I'd need to know about their attitude to women and values?

This is why I maintain that, "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you!"  The saying applies to positive notions as well as negative. 

The rotten apple in this man's barrel was right there on top of the pile for you to see wasn't it?  It's the ones who know how to hide their rotten apples that turn into Gotcha's!  Then there are those who don't give a crap and put  all of their rottenness out there for all to see.  They just stand by waiting  for the next ready made (groomed by someone (or many someones) who went before them) victim to stroll into their  snare.  As I write this, it seems way too cynical.  I think I need to go good will hunting today!  I think I need to give out wise and prudent good will today!

tt

[debkor]

Write,

Yes it is all very common amongst men and women.

I had a friend who was married and had a b/f that was married also.  Her husband felt neglected by her (I wonder why) went out and found his own g/f.  She found out about the g/f and freaked.  She went nuts.  He cheated on me, tears rolling down her face, shock, betrayal ect. Then she called her b/f to tell him about how she was betrayed by her husband.
They are divorced now still has the b/f but cheats on him sometimes..


What is wronnnggg with peeopleee..


Love
Deb

[WRITE]

As for infidelity...........as far as I am concerned it is the final insult.  XN told me he was not sorry for having sex with his xwife but he was sorry for hurting me.  Sounds to me a bit like I am not sorry for punching you in the face but I am sorry it hurt......

yuk.

No, I haven't come this far with all this therapy and self-help to compromise on basic values no matter how much I fancy a guy.

So sorry for all the horrible experiences everyone has had with infidelity and rationalisation of infidelity.

I heard a friend of mine say to her daughter last week: 'you are either honest or not honest. It's like being pregnant, you aren't a bit pregnant you are or are not. I don't want you to try and see it any other way!'

I loved that.

What is wronnnggg with peeopleee..

I don't know once we rationalise with this basic trust stuff we really are lost....