OMG! N- EX is here in TX, BIL flys him here from CA to live..

[OR]

I'm stunned and so tired from worry over the last 2 days.

After N-ex blew through his settlement money living in CA, he was going to be homeless.
We knew he was needing to move but I was not expecting he would come here to TX.

Last week I wrote about how he told D the family dog was dead but the neighbors see the dog alive and well.
less than a week later, I now believe he must have put her to sleep in the last few days.
He told D last night he put her down because she was sick and he could not afford to get her well
he left his car in the airport parking for the next moth so maybe he will go back for something. it's all a developing story. My friend told me today house looks abandoned and she would ask neighbors if they know about the dog.

I was very upset and asked D and BIL why didn't they tell me he was making plans to move here? they both said they didn't believe he would come. I asked them both please don't keep plans with N without me knowing. I had a difficult time finding out if this was a temp stay but discover he will be living some where here in TX. for now he is staying with BIL. He has plans to start rehab for job. SIL told me he enrolled in some classes provided by disability.

Over the last two years N-ex has been very hostile to his brother. Several times in the past BIL buys ex airplane tickets and he never shows up. I learned he was on his way 1 day before.

D was happy to see him and said she felt a missing piece in her heart has been found.
I sat her down to explain he is not to have her in his car (he doesn't have one for now)
I alerted the school to not allow him to take her out for any reason.

I couldn't believe when he tells D he wanted to go have dinner us 3. I wrote him a letter and explained to BIL/SIL I would not speak to him until as the court had ordered he must have a phys. eval. test and notice of all his medications he is taking. 

BIL asked if we all wanted to go to dinner for Mothers Day but D and I both agreed we would spend this day just her and I. 

BIL doesn't get it !! he is friends with his EX but she was not insane. BIL thinks it's B.S. that I would demand ex to run down in the next few days to have a physcatrist evaluate him.

He says he understands his brother has issues but he is not for pushing this as a demand before I speak to ex.  I plan on keeping my distance not speaking to him unless its in writing for now.
I have not dealt with the divorce because he has been in another state.
Now the emotions are high and I will be like other divorced people who must have communication because of the kids.

BIL said this is his little brother, he was homeless and even with Ns willingness to say lies about his brother and try and cause his family drama when BIL was helping D and I get settled here in TX, he still wants to help him.

SIL is on my side but she will do what BIL ask her to do, she told me she knows N-ex puts on a show as "extra nice guy" then turns into a monster when no one is looking.

I have calmed down for now but looking for any recommendations how to deal with ex.
for now my thoughts are I don't want to hear his voice or see him.

If I were to have dinner with them I would (vomit) but maybe I should be braver and stomach the dinner, ignore ex as much as possible be non-emotional so I can keep an eye on D when ever possible.

I have lots of fun with BIL/SIL. SIL and I went to high school together in CA. and BIL has been great over the last 2 years and always been there in the last 27 years.


talk later OR

[Stormchild]

Ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh.

This is unspeakably awful.

((((((((((((((((((((OR))))))))))))))))))))

[camper]

How awful!  I have no advice at all.  This can't be good for D.  Protect her and stick to your guns.

[Stormchild]

Oh, OR, by the way, animal abuse is a felony in some states now. You might see what can be learned from the vet.

[Brigid]

OR,

I'm so sorry this is happening.  I know how hard you worked to get away from him and you were doing so well in your recovery from the whole trauma.  I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I was fortunate to not have to go through this with my ex. 

I'm sure your BIL is in a difficult spot right now, and would like to believe that his brother could be made healthier with some professional intervention.  You and I know that that is probably not going to happen, but I'm sure it is hard for your BIL to completely abandon his little brother. 

At least your daughter is old enough to keep you informed of what is going on and hopefully set her own boundaries with her father.  She may soon remember why you left in the first place and not be so anxious to spend time with him.  I guess time will tell.

I send you prayers and strength that you can get through this and keep moving forward with your life.

Brigid

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((OR)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Lawyer. Pronto. Get objective complete clarity on your rights and right away please.

I would not try to get BIL to understand it. He will never, ever, completely understand it. Nor will SIL. Only an abused woman fully grasps the horror of abuse.

I would visit the lawyer, nail down whatever rights and/or protections you have immediately.

As to spending time with him, do you trust him to be nonviolent with your daughter? If not, she may have to learn this reality on her own. I do think it's possible she will tire of it/him.

If you think she is physically safe with him, then I would advise you not to get drawn into having to suffer through visits or "celebrations" or meals with him. That pollutes and controls you, which is of course what he enjoys most. Your D is incidental to the pleasure of manipulating you, so if you are not part of the equation, it's possible he will soon flake on her too.

I think ANYONE who "helps" or "pities" him is in for a world of hurt, and you've been there, done that.

If you must see him to protect your daughter's safety, that's one thing. Otherwise, I don't care if it's Mothers Day or anyone remote excuse for a family gathering holiday that this culture has invented...you are NOT more obligated because of something on the calendar.
Please don't fall into that trap of, oh it's Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Frogs Day, Thanksgiving Day...NOPE.

You know what the reality is, and with your lawyer's help, you can forge new boundaries. I can't remember what the previous agreement was, but don't weaken it an iota, and beef it up if your lawyer says you can.

So sorry this has happened. You will still be okay. You are one strong woman. And your D will learn, perhaps painfully but she will learn.

lots of love,
Hops

[OR]

Thank you all for the support, I do have the law on my side with full custody.
ex has SUPERVISED visits !! The courts did allow his brother to supervise here in TX.

Per the court only upon receipt of a mental eval, and Dr records from his current medications (morphine , vicadan, type) Once he files with the CA courts the courts would review again if supervised visits are needed.

D is now 14teen she has her plans made already this weekend and it's not going to include her dad. We are not going to the MDay dinner with his family, D said she already had plans with me and understands for now I don't want to be near her dad.

Stormy
You might see what can be learned from the vet

Today my friend from CA, called the local dog shelters with no luck, for now we don't know what vet he may have went to. She will be checking with the neighbor to see what she can learn.


Hops

I think ANYONE who "helps" or "pities" him is in for a world of hurt, and you've been there, done that.

I'm so surprised  with this reaction. SIL said they have phys. doctors on staff they can look him over he runs a drug re-hab clinic along with being a medical doctor, expert in the field and is a leading medical teacher ??? Maybe he's too embarrassed. 

That pollutes and controls you, which is of course what he enjoys most

Hops. I can see where the control would be over me and N would enjoy that. I wanted to believe this was BILs way to have us get along and wanted me to be included.

After my childhood sometimes when someone acts like they want you around it's a comfort. I have so enjoyed the last 2 years of feeling wanted, this makes me sad..
I know being with ex is not going to happen and everyone will soon understand there is not a happy reunion here.

Brigid

I'm sure your BIL is in a difficult spot right now, and would like to believe that his brother could be made healthier with some professional intervention.  You and I know that that is probably not going to happen, but I'm sure it is hard for your BIL to completely abandon his little brother. 

Brigid, I agree and believe BIL is in a difficult place to help his brother. After a short time things will settle down. This is all still very new to them and maybe if they see I'm determined to keep D with the supervised visits and I stick to my guns, with no contact they will see and follow behind me with support.


Ami

start to doubt ourselves.

 

Ami, I promise not to doubt my self and I will stay strong for D. Even if this means his family denies the truth. Time will reveal to all what I already know.


I will keep you posted

Thank you everyone

[mudpuppy]

Gadzooks, OR!

Your BIL is in denial about what a psycho his brother is. Can he be trusted to supervise visitation properly if he can't even admit what a sick little puke your ex is?

Seems to me it took some kind of nerve to take it upon himself to bring the lunatic who has caused you so much trouble to live near you, WITHOUT EVEN TELLING YOU! He helps you move to Texas to get away from him and then imports the very plague he helped you escape. Mind boggling!

If he felt bad for him being homeless why didn't he send him a small cash allowance and a bottle of lithium?

mud

[Stormchild]

Better he should send a bottle of strychnine.

That would at least provide a permanent cure.

[The filthy, disgusting pet murderer! ... ]

[Margo]

OMG!  Better ask that SIL if she'll be willing to supervise the visits with D.  I'd keep my distance if I was you..... but SIL MUST BE PRESENT WHEN N IS VISITING WITH HER, IMO!  Margo

[OR]

Mud

Gadzooks,

  that's just the word for this mess.

BIL, does this mental stuff as part of his work, maybe he wants to evaluate him first hand.
BIL is concerned about an inheritance and may want to keep ex-N from having control over ex-Ns portion. BIL may want to prove ex has emotional problems. 
I don't know if this explains why BIL would move him here and used ex-N being homeless to his advantage.
 
BIL would not give ex any help with money while ex was living in CA. Ex-N had WC.settlement money from being hurt on the job he didn't need help for the last 2 years.
The money was part of the reason he did not leave with us to TX.  The settlement money came a few months before we moved.(after 5 years of me working while he brought no money to the home.)

When we got here to TX the SSI office, informed me D, was getting money at that time, boy was I surprised. I then knew why he was being so crazy ! Ex knew we didn't know about that money. His plan was to move me out of the way and have D stay, so he could keep her SSI.
Or even let us both move on so I would raise D with no help from him and hope I would not find out about her SSI.
I almost didn't find out but for some reason I couldn't find her SSI card and needed it to enroll her into school. Ex will suffer with his BIL until he gets settled then get his inheritance and then fall off the face of the earth again.


We made it trough the last few days with 2 supervised  visits total of 3 hours with N-ex.
D and I kept busy all week doing our own thing. Today Church, lunch, move, book store, ice cream.We had a great day.
Saturday we were going to see Chris Daultry from American Idol, but it rained.
This was a close call because Ex-called D while she was at the mall buying mother day gift found out we were going to the "taste of Addison fair".
He drove there and was waiting to meet up with her but just as he called to tell her he was there a thunderstorm hit the fair grounds so we didn't go.
I was so upset that he would have been there and would expect to see D. I didn't know what I was going to do. I thought I would not go at all but then it rained I was so happy.
 
Ex called 3 times asking me to dinner then wishing me a Happy Moms day.
All I could think of is how many mothers days in the past he was sure to ruin for me. D was told not to get involved to tell him not to use her to relay messages. I'm sure ex-N wants to use D and I to get away from BIL.

I'm going to call the local police Monday, to just have on record he is in town and plans on living here. I'm not sure if much can be done but a notification. I may have them stop by to remind him not to be calling D to meet her places without supervision.

Margo I think your thought SIL be around with the supervised visits is a good idea. I will talk to her about making that happen.


Stormy, I'm still working on what the story is with our family dog..
My friend is going to do what she can to find out more information from the neighbors. Asking N just leads to more lies.

Its late got to go get some sleep.