where do I go from here

[Search4Truth]

I feel totally and utterly lost and alone. I was married to an alcoholic and divorced, and dont know why I stuck that emotionally abusive situation for so long... I still miss being married despite my unhappiness in it. I have great kids, now busy with their own lives. Every day feels like I am auto pilot and going through the motions. I dont enjoy anything, there is nothing that I can look forward to. I am isolated and alone and at the same time, I dont want to be with people. I am not just having a bout of depression. This is how I have lived in varying degrees since I was about 12 years old.  My surface self can cope very well, I smile a lot, I can be funny, I can act out good social skills, but I get in my car after work and cry all the way home and feel like I am in some horrible dark place. I crave love and closeness but it will never happen and I dont want to have to trust  and anyway ... I dont (cant) cultivate closeness with people.  I have had anti depressants, but I am intolerant to them, I have had a long bout of psychotherapy and it made me more depressed than ever, I am always hungry and want to eat all day, sometimes I feel so disgusting I make myself sick, I have always done this  .. so what do I do now?

I believe in God and sometimes I can feel some kind of light and spirit in me but it never stays long enough ... I am so tired but Im scared to take my own life .. I think about it all the time though

[isittoolate]

Hi S4T      

Every day feels like I am auto pilot and going through the motions.  I am isolated and alone and at the same time, I dont want to be with people. I am not just having a bout of depression. This is how I have lived in varying degrees since I was about 12 years old.  My surface self can cope very well, I smile a lot, I can be funny, I can act out good social skills,

Just to let the folks now that this was not my message
Izzy

Back to you. at 12, eh? I was 15 and now am 68, same old thing--looking good on the outside and wondering what was going on in the inside!!!!! I don't have any enemies because I have good social skills.

But does that make me a phony? Not really, because why should I burden anyone, other than my Therapist, with my problems?

I have been through the alcoholic one and leaving and the Narcissistic one for our daughter, then another N for me much later on.

When we are not emotionally healthy, we are vulnerable to fall for the "con-man type".

Did the psychotherpist have an "answer" for you?  If having therapy made you depressed, then maybe it was hitting the marlk and you were "this close" to having an answer.

I suggest a repeat of therapy.

Remind yourself that you must be able to live with yourself, before you can live with  nayone else.

All the Best

Izzy

[Search4Truth]

basically the therapist was crap and thats why I felt worse ... I just dont find talking endlessly about childhood trauma elleviates that trauma or brings insight. It made me feel like a victim! I dont live with the alcoholic so dont need al anon. Actually at the moment I feel that all I need is to sleep permanently.

I have good social skills and "smile" because I have had to survive and its the only way I know how

Thanks Izzy ... all the best to u2

[GAP]

Dear Search,

I think we can all relate to the loneliness and pain.  I think the key is you have nothing to look forward to.  You need to create your own things to look forward to.  I know that seems impossible in the state you are in but take baby steps.  Force yourself to make dinner plans with friends.  Try and find a class you might want to take.  Take up golf or look for someone to walk with.  People that have abuse in their background really have to fight going down the slippery slope and force themselves to do things they don't want to do.  Ask a friend to push you, explain your tendency to sit at home and say you need someone to encourage you.  Do some volunteer work.  Find a new therapist and keep looking until you are sure the therapist is the right one.

Keep posting here, you thoughts, your worries, your fears...you'll find out you are not alone.

GAP

[Search4Truth]

I know that forcing myself to integrate seems the practical and sensible thing to do, but when I do that, I just feel even more detached and unable to be part of anything, and its so hard to resist such a strong compulsion to be alone, ridiculous when I am so incredibly lonely anyway .. and at the moment the effort is beyond me, I am so close to giving up that its an effort to get out of bed, let alone go out to dinner. I just dont have friends .. lots of people I am friendly with but no close friends. Just lately I have felt that 90 percent of my depression is rage! Im not certain but I suspect this. I know I am angry inside ... not outside! When I shut my eyes sometimes I get this mental image of fists hitting me or a belt .. just violent images homing in on me. I dont feel that anyone can help me and in the past when I have felt some glimmer of love and help it seems to withdraw again as soon as I get to trust it.

I always have this sense that I dont really belong here or fit in. I dunno! I just want to be at peace being me. and the happy cheerful person on the outside can be me on the inside, just a little even.  Sorry for my gloomy posts .. its me though!

This morning I am making an effort to go to this retreat thing .. all about meditation and prayer. I hope something speaks to me ... I do believe in God

[debkor]

Search4Truth,

Hiya

You say you are so close to giving up but you haven't and I don't think you should ever lose hope *as much as it sounds like just words*.  Hard to tell someone that when they are not feeling it.  I know. 
You say that just recently you feel that (maybe )90 percent of your depression is rage, ok well we can all talk and help maybe figure out with you whats going on. Maybe you can put into words what is making you feel angry. 
We all here have been angry.  Sometimes we didn't even know what we really were angry about until we started exploring and sharing with others.
Talk away Search give us/you a chance. We are  all trying to feel more whole and  inner peace.  You are not alone.
This is a great support board.
Glad your here.

Love
Deb   

[axa]

Search,

So sorry you are in such a dark place.   I agree with finding another Therapist.  Going back over all that old stuff really does release some of the pain and rage.  I think it is very easy to get caught in the cycle of isolation.  The more we do it the worse it gets.  I have to force myself to do things that I dont feel like doing but in time have found that it lifts my spirits.  Keep posting.  The fact that you came on here tells me that their is part of you that wants life.

Hold on
axa

[sea storm]

Welcome to Voicelessness,

You sound lonely and islolated and I feel for you. I can really understand how you feel after being married to an alcoholic for years and then being on your own. The promise of a good life after ending the relationship doesn't manifest itself and instead it feels like a desolate world. I was in shock for months after the divorce. I am only six months separated so it is still a struggle.
This zombie feeling that is interupted by excruciating pain and hopelessness is actually grief. It is dark, terrible and unbearable at times. But there is no way through it but through it. There is loss to bear.
I have started going to al anon and have gained a better understanding of how destructive livng with an alcoholic is. Also how crazy I got. The people I have met there aren't all people I can relate to but I have the first two friends I have had in years and I don't have to be phony with them. For months I poured my heart out here and told my story whenever I felt like it. There are some deeply good people here who listen and give so much love and hope.
Keep writing. Be honest about your feelings and I think you will start to come
alive.
It takes such courage to take the first steps to accepting help.
If you didn't relate to your therapist it is good to get one that you really trust and like. The relationship you have with your therapist is so critical to gaining something out of the experience.

Don't give up. Keep writing.

Sea storm

[Sela]

Dear Search:

Your story touches my heart.  I'm so sorry that life has been so unhappy and lonely for you.  I bet you are right about the rage.  If you could release it......a weight might lift.

Do you read much?  I find reading about stuff helps a lot.  There are so many good books out there and ideas.....different approaches to problems.  Maybe you could find something physical to do (excercise)?  It helps a lot to release pent up stuff.   How about a pet?  Mine have been such a blessing to me.  I just think pets are the best friend a person can have because they are always there and so you really are never alone.

Can you think of something you might enjoy doing?  Something fun?  Can you rent funny movies?  Anything to get you laughing a little?  (wanna hear some of my lame jokes? ).  It's important to find something in life that you can look forward to and though it isn't easy, it's worth it in the end.  Maybe you will consider giving it a real go?  How about an art?  Painting?  Playing the bongo drums?  Not necessarily something you have to with other people?

Ok...enough advice.  You're probably getting tired of it.  Just know that this pain doesn't have to last forever.  You can make changes that will make your life better.....more enjoyable......and find happiness even.  But it is work.  As least, as far as I can see.  It takes effort but the rewards are equal or better!

Most things are a choice.  What do you think? 

Sela

[camper]

You say you believe in God.  What about that?  Do you belong to a church?  If you find a loving church, you could have loving friends who deeply care about you.  A good Christian church has small groups.  Small groups are the big church made small.  A small group of people who truly love you and care about you.  They all pray for each other.  My small group has two single ladies and if you put them together, they would be you.  Find a church and get involved.  Become part of a family.  You are valuable, you just haven't found your niche yet.  If you believe in God, it is breaking his heart to watch your pain.

[poetprose]

Look up and out!!  Not inward....

Right now is a good opportunity to allow your inner spirit to be your strength, emotionally you are beaten and raw...
understandably so!!   It is like even your thoughts are betraying you, like that they are so defeated you can not trust them to help you.........

I've been there, I understand the dark pit........... when I was visiting that place , I learned it was only temporal, and that it would pass!!  this helped me to hang on........... your spirit has to be your strength, eventually your defeated mind will change to line up with the spirit..........  What I did when i was like that was only allow good thoughts into it..........I trained my mind in a sense

I would sketch pictures , flowers landscapes , anything that would feed my inner me*, read good uplifting poetry or affirmations, take walks, and make mental notes of all the wonderful things you see...........bake something and take it o your neighbor, or friend

but do not *invest* in the depression..... it is temporary and will pass !!!!


"Sow a seed of hope"
Awaken to a dream
lay upon your bed of faith
and move a mountain to meet that dream
the hands of charity will run to meet you
together we will fullfil that dream
thanking God for the seed sown in us
Love the reason for every ones dreams.....

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((Truth)))))))))))))))

You can learn happiness.

I think getting a massage as often as you can afford would be healing for you too, in addition to all the good thoughts above.

Healing touch helps us gently re-enter our bodies. (We're usually not really in them after years of trauma or depression...we're sort of floating beside them, or just ahead, dragging them around, not enjoying them at all).

Can you get a massage?

Here's a cyber-one...

(But get a real one. And then another.)

love to you,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Hi Ami,
I got my first massage in ages the other day, and it was JUST as healing as I remember.

Let us know how it feels to you if you get one, okay?

love
Hops

[isittoolate]

Hi S4T

This part
This is how I have lived in varying degrees since I was about 12 years old.  My surface self can cope very well, I smile a lot, I can be funny, I can act out good social skills,"

This is like I am/was and now I am just content to be alone, at 68

Somewhere along the line, my therapist says, when I was very young, I just cut myself off from the world and have disconnected from my feelings. What remains is your quote and the knowledge when something sad or happy has happened, and how I "might' react if I could really feel. Yet this past weekend I felt a feeling in my throat that I remember as one I would feel when I was about to cry.

Can you identify with that? I hope not but just asking.

I had an alcoholic 'husband' and left him when our daughter was 2½.  I was involved with an N/P from'98 to'02

But there has always been my estrangement from my daughter. I felt the worst when she met her (now ex) husband, an N (but I didn't know anout N-ism then) and asked her to please not marry him.

He had already brainwashed her and in the midst of 'divide and conquer', although she and I are presently going back to an issue I had forgotten. I have 3 grandchildren who I no longer know.

Then her husband dismissed me from their lives and it took about 1½ years for it all to sink in, about what was ahead and cried all day one day and that, I think, was the final cut. I haven't cried since. 1992-3

Now I relate to that quote, still, as I don't want people to know what my life has been like, in particular that there are issues with my daughter.

It's going back further than I thought and I hope we get it settled, but I expect that it is my fault, even though she has said on occasion , "I'm really sorry that you had such a shi**y life". That's my one hope that she will forgive me when I find out the problem.

xx
Izzy

[Margo]

I feel totally and utterly lost and alone. I was married to an alcoholic and divorced, and dont know why I stuck that emotionally abusive situation for so long... I still miss being married despite my unhappiness in it. I have great kids, now busy with their own lives. Every day feels like I am auto pilot and going through the motions. I dont enjoy anything, there is nothing that I can look forward to. I am isolated and alone and at the same time, I dont want to be with people. I am not just having a bout of depression. This is how I have lived in varying degrees since I was about 12 years old.  My surface self can cope very well, I smile a lot, I can be funny, I can act out good social skills, but I get in my car after work and cry all the way home and feel like I am in some horrible dark place. I crave love and closeness but it will never happen and I dont want to have to trust  and anyway ... I dont (cant) cultivate closeness with people.  I have had anti depressants, but I am intolerant to them, I have had a long bout of psychotherapy and it made me more depressed than ever, I am always hungry and want to eat all day, sometimes I feel so disgusting I make myself sick, I have always done this  .. so what do I do now?

I believe in God and sometimes I can feel some kind of light and spirit in me but it never stays long enough ... I am so tired but Im scared to take my own life .. I think about it all the time though

Oh oh oh oh oh..... so many things run through my mind when I read your post.  I want so many things for you and I know that you can feel happy to be alive again.  Can't you remember times when you honestly were aware of being glad and feeling joy?  You can again. 

I know it seems impossible but you must reach out and involve yourself in something bigger than you.  Helping other people or seeking out people with the same interests or connecting somehow to someone who you can be yourself with and feel accepted.  I hope this makes sense.  One good feeling leads to another, in my experience.  There are always going to be ups and downs... the trick is learning to deal with the downs and not letting ourselves get overwhelmed.  ::Sigh:: I sure have to fake it a lot..... but I usually figure it out before I have to fake it again.... and get it figured out. In other words..... it's about a lifelong journey of self discovery.  It's better if you get interested in what you may find..... than dread what you fear you'll find.  Repeat to yourself.... it'll be ok, it'll be ok... and trust it will.  It will. 

Don't think that anyone else on this planet has it all figured out.  Everyone has struggles.  Everyone strives to overcome.  I think you should start journaling and pick one thing to BEGIN.  Doesn't matter how you go about it just GO about it and that one door will open and lead to others.  Usually, I always amazed and surprised at what's behind the doors and one good feeling leads to another.  I focus less on expectations.... and making the journey itself what I pay attention to. 

I also want to say.... when I'm terribly stressed and upset I eat and eat and eat and eat.  I just do.  I have to change my thinking and not concentrate on beating myself up.  I can't concetrate on the eating or it just get's worse.  Concentrate on constructing new activities that build you up.  Don't concentrate on the food or the eating.  Enjoy your food and free yourself from that shame.  Food is our first comfort.  It's very natural to go there when we're in turmoil.  It's ok.  Just don't concentrate on that.  It's ok.  Get into some counseling and see what's inside of you.  It's not terrible.... it's an interesting journey that will bring you understanding that leads to serenity.  And I do wish both for you.  Margo
Good luck, Margo