You're all playing the shame game !!!

[longimtelurker]

Are you the rescuer, the persecutor or the victim?

how do you escape the triangle ?

http://lynneforrest.com/articles/fov.html

a must read article, I think.

[Portia]

Great thread title! You had me!  Interesting link but too much for me today  - will keep for later.
Seriously though, did you post in response to other threads going on or did you just post? Being very touchy today, for myself, for others, maybe even a bit thick, so just asking ok?????? (emoticon for prickly/stupid)

[Anonymous]

Are you the rescuer, the persecutor or the victim?

how do you escape the triangle ?

http://lynneforrest.com/articles/fov.html

a must read article, I think.

Hi longimtelurker,

Interesting isn't it, how we move around the triangle? It's a bit like the DV cycle charts and concepts isn't it? We play each role at some time or another?

I'm feeling a bit awkward being asked to explain my position on this when you haven't told me your position. So do you mind if I put the question back to you first, how did you escape the triangle? Then I'll understand where you're coming from and maybe that'll make me feel more comfortable in relating to you. I think I'd like to do it that way if you don't mind.

And also, thanks so much for the link,

Guest.

[longtimelurker]

Hi Portia and guest

Sorry couldn't resist being slightly contentious with my title  
 in my defense, I could say it was a way of getting more people to look in on the thread.
I just posted as I thought it would be of interest to those here, as it was of interest to me.
I have certainly moved around the triangle many times. I am currenty seen as the bad one, as I am trying not to play the game.
Hi Guest,
My way of escaping, and occasionally to myself I'm sure I still occasionally behave in that way - old habits and all - was to try and talk to people in my family about how I was being treated.
This failed miserably on all counts - save one.
Parents and siblings were all succesful in  putting it all back on me - ie they changed the conversation around. to some I was "dredging up the past" and to my mother in particular, she got drunk and telephoned me back (I had arranged to meet her with questions the next day) and manipulated me into being angry. I therefore didn't ask all the questions I wanted to (about what she had done recently) but ended up shouting down the phone about the past. I could then quite easily be painted as the crazy one in her eyes.
and the one success - was me - I dropped the rope. I don't engage. It easier at the monment as they don't contact me. maybe they're scared I'll try to stir up trouble again.

It's obvious there was a big problem as I had described trying to confront my mother as the hardest thing I have ever done. And that I know is not right.
I don't know if I will try to express that part of me again. they don't seem to want to hear my voice (I had been the rescuer for many years)
by trying to speak the truth, my truth. When it comes down to it though, is it really necessary to tell someone (i wouldn't say it like I'm about to express it here, but it sums it up) that almost everything they say and do is anathema to me? No-one wold take that news well. so it's hardly surprising she does everything she can to run from it.

She's a hypocrite, talks down to people, breaks confidences then says "but don't tell" all the things I really don't like.
Trivialising,belittling - all the abusive behaviours,really.

The one question remaining for me is why do I still read these boards?

These events were still a year ago. Maybe I'm being vigilant so I don't slip into my old role, when I so see family. Maybe I'm not yet ready to move away from what has happened and apply myself to other things.

There you go, guest, that's me.  

[seeker]

Dear Longtime Lurker,

Thank you for posting this link.  I know a lot of us are familiar with the Drama Triangle, but I really appreciated the wisdom at the end.  Some of the other articles look interesting, too.  It was eye-opening to read the part about being willing to be perceived as the "bad guy" to get off the triangle.  That is exactly how it went down with my pathological NSIL.  She was "victimized" by my unwillingness to play "mouse" in her cat-and-mouse game     Yes, I was definitely the bad guy and, sniffle, she was the victim, poor thing.  Well, I lived through it, it was uncomfortable, and the world didn't come to an end for either one of us.  

Also, there's a book that splits another role out of "victim". That is, "player", a person who never takes responsibility for themselves, makes a mess that others have to clean up.  In addition, this author says the way off the triangle is to become a problem-solver. (this sounds an awful lot like rescuer, but it really isn't).  The book is called Emotional Unavailability by Bryn Collins, originally recommended by another poster here a while ago.
Great link, thanks again.  Seeker

[ginger]

Some great links on players (N/Ps) and you can post your story!

http://www.angelfire.com/journal/fighting/onlinewmn1.html

http://www.galileeproject.net/psycho/index.htm

[Anonymous]

Reading longtimelurker's post on the triangle was so interesting. That was a good link. The school playground is a good place to observe the triangle. The victim turns into the hunter. Scary stuff. The hunter gathers support. Mutual friends are forced to take sides. Onlookers cheering, coldly commenting. Injuries to be attended to after so the carers are in their element, and glad to finally be put to use. They remain faceless till a fight. Real life hey.

This is off topic, but sort of related to longtimlurkers thread, so I put it as a new topic.

I was doing some narrative work recently with someone. There's an old technique used for teaching how to write narrative. It's based on 'Cinderella.' I had to write three Cinderella stories, done in 1st, 2nd, 3rd person narrative. The 3rd person narrative is the story you'd write if you weren't Cinderella but you were say one of the step-sisters. This is the beginning of a brief rushed version,


Here goes,

"After my father died my mother re-married a man whose wife died. He has a daughter called Cinderella who is now my step-sister. I have one full-blood sister also. My sister and I have been so miserable since father died and having to leave our ffriends and school and come to live in 'their' house.

Cinderella is so much prettier than me and my sister, and our step-father is always reminding us of that. he's always telling her how beautiful she is and he's never once told us we're beautiful. Also, Cinderella gets so depressed all the time and is alaaysbringing up her mother to step-father, in front of us, reminding him how beautiful she was. That makes our mother sad and depressed. Our mother isn't beautiful, but she's avery hard working woman. It feels like everytime Cinderella brings her mother up, our step-father distances himself from us a litttle bit more each time.

And Cinderella gets constantly depressed. We try to keep her mind off it, keep her busy. Mother says this is the best way to deal with depression or depressed people. "Put a broom in their hand," has always been our mother's motto. She's always taught us not to dwell on the past. And ur mother has always insisted that we never mention our father when step-father is around, so why doesn't he do the same with Cinderella..... and so on.

Guest

[Anonymous]

Well I was gonna post it as new topic, but has hand is quicker than the eye. Sorry Longtimelurker. I didn't want to get of topic here.