Confrontation with Nmom

[tayana]

I haven't actually had it yet.  I have to have it when I go home.  When I was in college, my mom took out two credit cards in my name, maxxed them out and then defaulted on them.  I suspected this had happened, but I had no proof.  I tried to get a home loan a few years ago, and discovered that my credit report showed I owed a lot of money that I didn't owe.  The credit cards she took out in my name.  The last time I tried to get away from her, she maxxed out my cards in order to keep me at home.  She doesn't want me to leave.

She defaulted on the ones she took out in my name, and I've spent two years trying to make them go away through the credit agencies.  Today, I had to hire a lawyer because a creditor filed a lawsuit against me.  I don't intend to pay for something I didn't do.  My lawyer wants an affidavit from my nmom, even though she's never admitted doing this, and when I confronted her in the past she claimed she was doing this for me. 

So, I'm not looking forward to this confrontation.  She'll probably do something ridiculous instead of having an adult conversation.  The last time her and my dad had a confrontation like this she threatened suicide.  I had to call 911.  She had managed to keep all of this from me.  I found out by accident.  I just feel sick.  I hate confrontations.  I always have.

[Margo]

I haven't actually had it yet.  I have to have it when I go home.  When I was in college, my mom took out two credit cards in my name, maxxed them out and then defaulted on them.  I suspected this had happened, but I had no proof.  I tried to get a home loan a few years ago, and discovered that my credit report showed I owed a lot of money that I didn't owe.  The credit cards she took out in my name.  The last time I tried to get away from her, she maxxed out my cards in order to keep me at home.  She doesn't want me to leave.

She defaulted on the ones she took out in my name, and I've spent two years trying to make them go away through the credit agencies.  Today, I had to hire a lawyer because a creditor filed a lawsuit against me.  I don't intend to pay for something I didn't do.  My lawyer wants an affidavit from my nmom, even though she's never admitted doing this, and when I confronted her in the past she claimed she was doing this for me. 

So, I'm not looking forward to this confrontation.  She'll probably do something ridiculous instead of having an adult conversation.  The last time her and my dad had a confrontation like this she threatened suicide.  I had to call 911.  She had managed to keep all of this from me.  I found out by accident.  I just feel sick.  I hate confrontations.  I always have.

I think that's on oef the way they keep us down.  They thrive on conflict and we can't stand it.  You have to face her and you have to stick to you guns.  No way around it.  And  most of all.... you have to keep her from taking out credit in your name any more. 

If I were you I'd sit and write write write everything over and over and distill it down to it's internalized essence so you can still have a rational conversation.... even when she says things that are emotionally charged.   Stick to the subject.... don't let her blather off in another direction.  Stay calm and state your intentions and expectations.  What consequences do you intend to set forth if she doesn't sign the affidavit?  Do you want to discuss boundaries?  Good luck, Margo

[tayana]

Well, as usual, she has made it an even bigger mess, not only by denying any wrongdoing, but also hiring an attorney for me to take care of the mess.  Well, he's not doing a very good job, in my opinion.  I don't intend to let my guy go.  I'll be checking into it.

I don't intend to back down anymore.  I was thinking just the other day, how she's just not so intimidating anymore.  I've done all of these great things all by myself, and she's not had a hand in any of that.  I'm tired of being a punching bag and pawn.  She wants me to move with her and my dad, but I don't want to.  I'm going to look at a place tomorrow.  I just want to be away from her for a while.

[isittoolate]

There is no Peace with an N

[CB123]

Punching bag and garbage pail- Thats you and me

Nope, Ami! Don't do your N's work for her    --repeating her mantra in your head. 

Wishing you all the best, as well as NEW images of yourself to fill your head!  Much love,

CB

[CB123]

Tayana,

Can you hold the credit card company responsible?  Did they check to make sure that YOU were the one signing up for the card?  Can you get a copy of the original application, where it came from (mailing address or email address), a copy of the original signature?  Most credit card companies require some kind of information about the applicant--where they have a bank account, etc.  Who provided them with that in the beginning and what information was provided? 

I think that you are very smart hanging onto your own attorney. It doesnt make sense to use an attorney who was hired by the person you are going up against!!!! (only an N would try that!)

Let us know how it goes, Tayana.  Also about how your move progresses.

CB

[tayana]

My move is going to have to be temporarily put on hold.  Right now my N wants me to put my car in her name and close out all of my bank accounts or put those in someone else's name as well, so that I have no assets to garnish.  I don't want to move and then have all of my assets seized, that wouldn't be good.  So I'm hoping I can get this mess cleaned up relatively quick.

She told me this morning that she's been trying to get rid of this for years, and I never knew anything about it.  She said she tried to tell me about it several times, but she just couldn't bring it up.  She doesn't want my father to know about this, because she did something similar when they bought a house.  She claims she never defaulted on the card, although my credit report clearly showed that it had never been paid.  I got that cleaned up.  She tried to apologize and say this should never have happened.  She said she's tried to take care of it, I told her I thought she was trying to ruin my life.  I called my attorney this morning, and I'm hoping he will call me sometime today, if not I have an appointment with him tonight.

I don't know what I did to deserve **** like this.

[tayana]

Thanks Ami,

She was shocked when she found out I could get all sorts of assistance from a program that my employer provides at no cost.  That was how I was referred to the attorney.  I just have this sudden urge right now to sit in a corner, curl up and cry.  It does no good to sit and cry, but I'm starting to feel like I am never going to get away from these people.  Every time I try, something like this comes up.  I keep finding out about things accidentally.  All of this went on without my knowledge or consent, just like all of the other things she's pulled.  I don't intend to put anything in her name.  That's just something else she can hold over me.  I don't intend to pay for anything, except my attorney fees.  I don't want anything else to do with her.  I had made an appointment to look at a rental place today, and I'm going to keep it.  I really want to get myself and my son out.  It just seems like she's determined to sabotage that any way she can. 

I have started to feel really good about myself in the last couple of years.  I've accomplished a number of things professionally that my mother did her best to sabotage.  She even called my boss at my old job and told him she didn't think I needed to be doing the work I was doing.  It was bad for my health.  All in my best interest of course.  She refuses to see me as an adult, and she's never going to do that as long as she keeps me dependent on her.

I just engaged the services of a counselor as well, and my first appointment is later this week, but I really wish it was a little sooner now.

[Hopalong]

Hi Tayana,
Call the credit bureaus and have a fraud alert put on all your credit accounts. Just explain what happened...they've heard it before. (Ask your lawyer, too...)

I am very glad you're moving out. This will give you strength.

She is not capable of helping you, and you have to let go of helping her. Two people drowning is the outcome.

You must swim. And YOU ARE.

Hang in there,
Hops

[tayana]

Wait just a doggone second!  Is this woman good or what?  She ran up big bills on your credit and now they are coming after you to garnish your wages and repossess stuff, and her solution IS TO PUT IT ALL IN HER NAME????  AND KEEP THE SECRET FROM HER HUSBAND WHOM SHE DID THE SAME WAY???

Oh, Tayana.  Don't go there with her.  They arent going to come get your car because you havent paid on your credit card bill.  If I didnt pay on my credit card bill, they wouldnt come haul my car away.  She's messing with you. 

Thanks CB.  I don't intend to go there.  She claims that's what her lawyer recommended.  I don't know what to believe from her.  She just called me because I didn't make my daily call at lunch.  I went to look at an apartment.  I don't want to talk to her.  I went and cried in the bathroom.  I hate this.  I hate living like this. 

I just want to live life on my terms, and it seems like I never get to.

[tayana]

Dear Tayana,
  This ,I think, is one of the HARDEST things to face about your own mother - They WANT to diminish or destroy you. It sounds too horrible to be true. WHO could comprehend such a horror?  I don't think that they want us to face reality and become. 'Whole." They want to pull us into their sickness and make us mentally ill. IF they cannot pull us into their sickness, they would  rather have us DEAD or diminished  in some way like being an alchoholic , drug addict or something that they can then say that it is OUR fault and not THEIRS. My brother is a drug addict and she tells people how it is  HIS fault. With me, I make her look very bad because I don't have an obvious 'defect.That is why I think that she wants to destroy me because she can't marginalize me.I show her up because I still appear to have my right mind
. I AM a threat if I am healthy . Then she has to face that SHE is NOT.
These are the realities that I am coming to in my own life. You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free(if it don't kill you first-) . It sure feels like it will sometimes.  Keep Sharing  Love Ami

Ami,

Thanks for your post.  I feel so damned guilty because I don't really like my mom all that much.  I want to.  I want to have such a great relationship with her, but I can't.  It's a horrible feeling.  There's times I wish I could just run away from my life.

[tayana]

I know.  I gave up on this dream a long time ago, and just tried to emotionally distance myself from her.  I stopped asking her to do things with me, because she always had some excuse not to.  I just did my own thing.  At one point, I took my son on vacation and she told me she would probably be dead when I got back.  She wasn't dead, and we had a good time on vacation.  She acted like I had done some terrible thing by wanting to go one vacation.  She even told my son I would probably leave him in the hotel room by himself, so that he was terrified of going.  That's the sort of stuff she does to me.

She called me at lunch time today and I just couldn't talk to her.  She'll probably do something insane now, like not speak to me for weeks, follow me around, or something similar.  Or else she'll feel repentant and buy me something, usually something expensive, or she'll do all sorts of things to make me feel better.  It doesn't work anymore though.  I've caught on.  I caught on ten years ago when I was nearly kicked out of school because she didn't pay my tuition.  That was the last time, I let her stay in charge of my bills.  I paid for the rest of college myself.