Author Topic: If N feels threatened illogically & involuntarily, what can be done to help?  (Read 5115 times)

confused2

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yeap! i am pretty messed up today. i so much want to talk to this man. i know he want allow me to talk to him, but if i could just hear his voice.

as i said in my 1st e-mail, i had planned to leave him, i just wanted to get a little stronger. He can at me before i had gained strength.

i learned a lot from Sam Vaknin about N's and their ISSUES. I know that's what he is. I also know him not calling is all about control. I guess I just don't have enough power to stand up to him however that  chore is accomplished....

confused2

Hopalong

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Camper,
Change the locks, get to therapy, find a women's support group, go and go and go and spill and share and listen and LET HIM GO...

Let him "WIN".

You are winning your own life. It doesn't matter if he "gets away" with misrepresenting you. He's a raging hypocrite and a distorted person. (They are everywhere, you can't control it.)

Thank god you have not married this person.

You have a lifetime to grow healthy and happy and learn to love yourself and love being alive. It will take help. Help is GOOD. Help is GREAT. Help is named help because it is so helpful!

No shame, ever........

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

confused2

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 i intend to get help, but how do i get thru today, tonight, tomorrow, ect...????????? i am tired but i can't sleep, eat, or think...

is he done with me?

confused2

Confounded

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You are done with him.  Just read what you have posted.  You know he's far worse than being alone.  You live in fear of what his words do to you, and you must know that his words may later be followed-up with physical violence.  Your use of the word "correct" in terms of what you have to do about yourself is chilling.  I too have heard that word, many times.  It seems to be a hallmark of this situation, and is used in very broad terms.  I may tell H that he might want to "correct" some bit of language.  But I would never tell him that he needs to "correct" his whole way of being.   

Let him think that he has dumped you.  By all means, let him think that!  He will be much more manageable that way.

I say, ask for the key back, "since he has moved on."  For that matter, you can tell him that you "understand."  You "knew that he wasn't happy with you," and you "wish him all the best."  Perhaps you have something of his that you want to give back.  Some tools that he left at your home?  Maybe he'd like to arrange a trade for the key.  He owes you $.  DO NOT give back his engagment ring.  It is yours.  That's the way that works.  If you feel like it, you can sell it on eBay to repay the $ he owes you.  If you can't get the key back, then have the locks changed.  If he bothers you, call the cops.  Your cops trump his craziness.

But, please, don't ask if he's done with you.  Save yourself from wasting another minute, another day, or perhaps your life, on him.  Be done with him, and thank God that you did not marry him.   

confused2

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Confounded---i know you are right in your advice, and i appreciate it.

I have never been in an abusive relationship. I had a great childhood living with both my parents and my siblings. I was married to a very nice man, and we had 2 lovely daughters together. STUFF just happened between us, and to much water was under the bridge to stay in the marriage.

what I am saying is I don't know what has happened to me over the years that I feel as if I have
to grovel to this man. I think him seeing someone else is what has pushed me to the edge. Being someone's 2nd choice is hard to digest. Especially, his adulteress. That's a low blow to me

confused...



Hopalong

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You're right, being someone's second choice is hard to digest...

I say, don't digest it.

Digesting it would mean accepting it into your life.

Encouraging your self-respect to rise up within you and declare, This is not acceptable to me. I will no longer try to challenge this. I am my own first choice, and I want nothing to do with someone who does not have my best interest at heart.

He clearly doesn't. And you are SO lucky, in ways that will sink in later. Like a near-miss.

You will come out of this fog, be angry, grieve, and move on. Stronger and saner.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

isittoolate

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Why would anyone want a bag of smoke?

N's are nothing but that.

There is no substance to an N.

axa

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Reading these posts on abuse just makes my blood boil.  Rather than reply to individuals I want to say the following.

Ns, like all abusers, groom their victims.  They put you on a pedestal so high that you feel like you are soaring in the sky and then the change occurs.  IMO once the knocking you off the pedestal occurs it just goes from bad to worse.  It does not get better.  Constant chipping away at your self esteem, your sanity until you start to doubt everything.  Trying to understand them, reason with them, walk on eggshells around them is a waste of your time and energy.  No matter what you do it will not be enough, they are insatiable.  You are the resting place for their anger and hatred and they will continue to spew it onto you until you have the courage to leave.  Keep reading about Ns.  It takes a while for the truth to sink in.  Know that they will not change.  They do not care about you, if they did the abuse would not be happening.  When someone does not care for you, you are meangingless to them.  I often thought of myself as the coffee table in his eyes and that helped me understand his cruelty.  When you kick the coffee table you do not feel bad.  It is just an object, it does not have feelings, only the kicker has feelings of pain.

The pain, loss, hurt is terrible when one leaves but it changes.  The energy you waste trying to make things right for them becomes your own energy.  This will help you through the healing.  I will not be as kind as others here.  I believe with an N the only thing to do to regain your sanity is LEAVE.  The longer you stay the worse the abuse.  They know what they are dealing with.  They know what they are doing.  IME breaking you is part of the exit strategy.  THen they can justify the leaving........ if you were kinder, less crazy, less demanding......... blah blah blah then things would have been ok.  They turn themselves into the victim.

They are trash and I never want to share my life and space with trash again.

axa

debkor

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confused,

What you are experiencing is very normal (your feelings) I do not believe there is one of us that did not feel the same way you are right now. It is the worst feeling!  I feel for you.  Been there!  Wish there was something from us that could take it instantly away from you, but, we all know that only way around it is through it.  I'm sorry.   

You are very confused and hurt.  It shall pass in time but.  Right now you are shocked and cannot make sense of things.
There is no sense to N's you'll knock yourself out trying to find one.  There is only one solution which we found out much later than any one should and that is GOODBYE! OUT, SEE YA!!

Your F did you a favor although you cannot see that yet.  You need to be done with him no matter what kind of pain you are feeling.  I can promise you this.  If you are to go back or him come back this will constantly be a cycle of feeling bad, round and round and it will take that much longer.  Do you really want to feel like this for many more months maybe years? You deserve to be happy. Give yourself this gift and keep him out. 
If you were able to jump ahead in time and look back at what you are feeling now and where you will be with time in between with a no contact you would look and say What a Jerk, I can't believe I was upset about him. What was I thinking??  You will see him clearly without any personal feelings attached.  It really is not personal Confused.  I know , I know, I took it personal when I was married but it really is not.  We learn the hard way. 
We have feelings and care about others so we do think in personal ways.  They do not.  Everything to them is an object. 
I do not believe they can really love.  I do think they think they love (whatever that is to them) I would assume (supply) but when they get bored with it or it is not enough they think they are out of love (which is really) out of supply or not enough exciting supply.  In turn they project onto you that you are not loving, or the crazy one, or boring or list goes on and on.

I found that when I really thought about what the N was I really found them to be superficial and they were the ones who were so damn boring.  How boring is it when you are a shell of a person and no depth to you at all?
I personally am one that does not like scratching the surface and that is it.  I need something to people (some deepness) with N's you will only scratch the surface and that would never be enough for me.  I would never be happy.  Ask yourself, is that enough for you?  Because that is all you will get.  You are there to serve only and nothing in return except, grief.

Love
Deb


debkor

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I'm sorry confounded I put Confused name, apologies.

Deb

confused2

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Everything that I have read on Narcissism, is what all of you are saying. 

Thank you all for your honesty and comments. Right now, I just want to turn off my thoughts, and all
the pictures of him in my brain. I am trying to stay very very busy.

You are right Deb, He definitely is a JERK!

confused