Vomiting Air

[Margo]

Margo,

Yes, go for the restraining order.  He sounds like a complete nut.  Keeping yourself sane and grounded in this time has to be your priority.  I am so sorry for you little D also.  Surround yourself with good people and keep posting.

axa

I'm really feeling sad for myself right now.  Now that alls said and done.... my friend said... "you should have had someone move in with you."  I was always asking for people to come and stay here.... I was frantic for company in the beginning.  People have their own dragons to sleigh though and asking for help and hearin No makes it harder to ask again.  I ended up on my own.  Really sad right now and not feeling supported by my family, at all.  Margo

[Margo]

Margo,

I don't want you to think I am not thinking about you but I did go dead quiet when I read your post.  I feel as pissed as I did 15 years ago.  I had to deal with the courts also and there is not much for me to say accept that I know your frustration. 
I was denied A Protection order when I was in court and ordered to come back in 30 days with my H for another hearing.
I was so (mad,insane crazy)  I wanted to jump up and hold the judge accountable and scream it in his face but of course did not for fear of contempt.

I know what you are going through and I am thinking about you. 

Hopefully soon it will all be over and done and your life can go on without him in it or bothering you. 

Thinking of you Margo,

Love
Deb

This kind of frustration.... it's got a life of it's own.  The legal system isn't perfect and this isn't over yet but...... N's make it very very difficult for Judges to figure out what's going on.... apparently.  I'll post a new thread about my day: /  Thanks for your support Deb, Margo

[towrite]

there's something inside of me that keeps going and won't be backed down.

That's what courage is, honey.

(((((margo)))))

towrite

[Margo]

there's something inside of me that keeps going and won't be backed down.

That's what courage is, honey.

(((((margo)))))

towrite

I sure hope this courage doesn't get me killed or demolish my life.  N is telling people I'm pulling knives on him and he'd asked for the children's shot records and copies of their ss cards.  I truly don't know if he's going to make me sorry I ever opposed him.  He believes he's going to drive me to the point where I run away with nothing just to get out of this struggle. 

This is one thing I see coming, considering the manufactured IM conversation he produced between us..... supposedly after the police were here.  He may have been producing IM conversations all along or is producing them now and backdating them.  I'm thinking out loud here so I can hear everyone's input.  IF he's doing that.... won't it be pretty easy for the court to see the difference in his fakes and the way I actually write?  Can the Geeksquad go into a computer and figure out if it sent an IM or not? 

Margo

[mudpuppy]

Margo,

It should be easy for a technician to determine whether any messages originated with your computer. It is my experience that such antics make for great theater outside court and serve to intimidate the opponent(you) but that they only alienate the court and are usually pretty transparent and counterproductive for the person engaging in them.
If you give them enough rope they usually hang themselves. You and your attorney just have to remember to tie the other end to the tree.

mud

[mum]

Margo, just catching up here...
I'd like to add my voice to this chorus here. Do not allow his energy to take over yours. Keep your head down, and march on.

It almost doesn't matter what you do, I swear that's what I learned most. The way I thought things should go, or be done, play by play, hardly ever fell out as I thought they would. I never really knew which step was right or which was wrong. The lawyers, judges, courts, etc. Just seemed nuts sometimes. So much of it seemed out of control...especially out of my control.

But the one thing I never let go of, was an unwavering INTENTION to have my life back, on my terms.  What ended up mattering the most was my own (shocking!) inner strength and belief in myself. (Do you see you have that? I see it!)
That does not mean that I was always "strong". I was a pillar of strength and a collapsed wreck all in any given day. But I knew I was doing what I must to live MY life on MY terms! I knew, despite how hard my ex tried to warp this, that I was doing the right thing. I knew that to be the kind of mother I knew I should be, that I had to live on my terms. It took a while, and it was like some surreal battle from a Greek epic. The testing of my soul, to be sure. But this is what you can count on! Your spirit, your heart. This is what will not waver. Darkness cannot survive in light. Never.

Don't let the crazy legal goings on, or your crazy making ex keep you from your focus. Do whatever you can to focus your mind on your intention and not on how bad things currently are. You  are the strong yet flexible tree. You will weather this storm and be standing long after all the blowing from your NNNNasty ex. Please keep checking in. The people here helped my so much through my difficulties.

Do what feels right, even if it is scary and then trust in yourself. Keep after your lawyer. Bug the hell out of him or her...
You will get through this. And life will be amazing because you did. You are soooo brave. I see that, do you? You are amazing!!!

Courage doesn't mean you are not afraid....it means being afraid, but doing it anyway!!! So go get 'em, sister!!!
Sending strength and love to you!
Mum

[Margo]

Thanks Mum.....

I am afraid.  I am alarmed and full of adrenaline then exhausted then a brand new kind of adrenaline starts hitting me in the cheeks.  New symptom..... adrenaline piercing and warming my cheeks.  This is a whole new kind of alarmed.  I really think that N may get away with all the crazy crazy crazy things he said he would do.  I'm still waiting in fear to see WHICH threats he's going to make good on.  He's made so many.  I know they're coming and I know some of this threats are empty and some are just bluffs.  Talk about crazy.  This is a crazy making way to live.  The gaslighting is so extreme...... Margo

[Margo]

Thanks Mud, Mum, Ami and CB:

I'll feel better if I know IM's can be traced to a certain computer.... or not.  Also feel better if judge says N can't move right next door.  His attorney requested he be allowed and my attorney requested a conference call with the Judge today to block that. 

On the way to field day at 6yo's school... I had to filed question about why Daddy wasn't going to take her after all, which was ok in the end as she said she preferred me anyway but up in the air for a few moments when I thought she'd have a meltdown. 
\
Also, while passing a cemetary..... we pass every day.... she began asking questions about when she dies and that just crumbled me.  I was OK one minute and picturing the little blue and pink with silvery sparkles headstone she said she wanted to paint with just her and I on it.  Then she reflected for a moment and said she wanted her 4yo sister to be on the back and other side so they could go to heaven together.  Talk about disturbing.  And I had to go and try to act normal around all those people for an hour and a half.  Margo

[Help]

Margo,

I promise you the pain on the inside is consuming me.  I have a new therapist just for the depression and the guilt that is devasting me.  I am into step 4-5 in the 12steps and have a new chip.  I miss the children and you, something terrible, and wish to God we could heal are wounds.  I walk around sick, no sleep, and desforic.  You want your freedom and you shall have it.  You are more worried about money than you are about the family.  I am tired of the cat and mouse games that a divorce court brings about.  We have lost trust.  I used too trust you and now not anymore.  The process continues and it wears us down, takes a loving relationship, and turns it to hate.  Margo I openly admit my infidelity, lies, and mis-trusts and have turned my energy inward toward building a spiritual core.  You cast me as a villian and a terrible one at that... knowing full well you had a fighter.  Now you rip his heart out and make him fight the ones he loves?  You cry for freedom... but every freedom is available in this country. (religion, speech, worship, etc).. but in your heart it is the "financial freedom" you seek from your endeavor.  So, continue to cast me as your NNN and run like crazy...  You have a right for D... but if it just comes down to $$$ why not return to therapy, help support your N in his path of healing, let him set you up financially..(but make him believe in you) so that these terrible forces dont have to be?????  MY HEART is BREAKING its even more terrible to see you pinning your thoughts for the world to read and to see how no one promotes trying to repair what CAN be fixed.    Your true fear comes from the fact that you married a fighter, (Never give in, never give up, and neve quit) a motto of mine.. and you are a healer.  Together they work magic... opposing it causes great fear in the healer, and unimagiable remorse and pain in the fighter.  This is terrible, it is death, every one has faults and strong points this is an unwelcome battle  one i dont want to win.   An olive branch I would offer my dove to find peace.

NNN
People sell there souls for gold
People die,, they worry about the inheritance
Money is Evil
and your favorite:
If it takes a reason.... you will find a reason.

PS: To Margo's friends thank you for supporting her.  I wish I didn't have to read the posts and suffer the "tongue lashings"  it will take a long time and deep meditation for these wounds to heal. 

[mudpuppy]

Is there a person here who hasn't listened to the same bullying, threats, character assassination and abuse couched in an ostensible "apology"?
And they all manage to insert snivelling references to their own good motives and pitiful, innocent victimhood while spewing their threats and false accusations.

As the apostle Paul wrote of Alexander the coppersmith; may God reward them according to their works.

this is an unwelcome battle  one i dont want to win

If Margo does not bend, you needn't worry about winning; people like you hang themselves.

mud

[debkor]

Margo,


Where are you hon?  Thinking about you and how you are doing?



Love
Deb

[JanetLG]

What a rant!

Margo, you know you are right, just keep going with what you need to do to get away from this person.

As to this quote:
I wish I didn't have to read the posts and suffer the "tongue lashings"

Don't read them, then. But our opinion will not change, and we will continue to support Margo.


Janet

[debkor]

Have we not heard this before? 

Is there a web site where you can pull off sample apologies like you can a sample resume?  I swear I have an old letter somewhere pretty much the same. 

cut,paste and copy.

Deb

[Hopalong]

Margo,
It's all about him.
His grieving sounds composed of self-pity and hostility in equal measure.

Hold fast and walk steadily forward.
It will be all right.

You will both be better off.
Not to mention your daughter.

When he truly wants peace, he will let you go and behave responsibly without drama.

Hang in there,
Hops

[help]

Venturing out into this forum resulted in a "spanking"!  The "rant" was not an apology, but a pleading.  A proper apology and asking for forgiveness requires a deeper understanding and more spiritual growth that well be accomplished in step 9.  Before one would attempt an apology for the deeds that I have done a true growth in spirit must be accomplished and not simply an "off the hook" mentality.   One must answer the questions of why this deed was done and understand the impact on the hurt party, and never do it again. 

Hops: We will both be OK..the sins will fall on the children.
          The drama is over.  She is justified in her D. I do love my wife.

Deb: Ouch.. that comment hurt.   No plagiarism here

Mud: May the sinless be the 1st to cast the stone.   Actually there are no winners in a D.  Sorry, you interpreted this to be a threat.


Help