Author Topic: Invalidation by the N  (Read 2017 times)

Overcomer

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Invalidation by the N
« on: May 08, 2007, 10:55:02 AM »
I found this article on the web and sent it to my nmom.  Today she called me and told me she is at home working on some Estate Planning?  Hmmmm....wonder what she is doing?  I love this article....it makes PERFECT sense in my situation as it addresses family AND work situations....

Invalidation
By Peter Shepherd
The first lessons are about finding yourself and becoming whole. One of the factors that causes fragmentation of your identity - who you think and feel you are - is invalidation, which happens when you feel made wrong by another's comments or actions.

When you act according to the will of another person and suppress your own wishes, you have identified a part of yourself with the other person. You have let them into your mind, as your master. You have become fragmented. One of the main ways this comes about is through invalidation, or 'making wrong'. If somebody says your effort was 'not good enough' or that you 'shouldn't have done that', then you start to question yourself. You begin to introspect and ask, 'Is there something wrong with me?' When another person wrongly evaluates or misunderstands your communications or your state of mind, naturally this is upsetting. It means the other has not understood you. Your enthusiasm wanes. You may accept this false evaluation - perhaps because of the authority or dominance of the other person. If you ignore your own feelings and believe they must be right, you begin to follow their will, not your own. A part of you has identified with the other person and split from the real you. The you that is responsible for your choices.

This very commonly occurs with children, where they take on the characteristics of their parents. It is also very frequent in relationships where one partner adjusts to match the other's expectations. And of course it happens at work too. When our goals are suppressed by another - however well meant - it is eventually life destroying. Negative evaluations (personal criticisms, opinions) by another especially at times of stress can cause extreme upset.

Most of us wonder why the populations in the world who seem to have the greatest mobility and most material possessions are suffering from the yoke of despair and depression. One of the biggest causes is invalidation. As human beings we need to be both independent and interdependent. We need to feel a sense of love and of contribution. If either are missing we are sad, we are defeated, we are joyless.

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, control or diminish someone's feelings. Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life. A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotions. The working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. The emotional processes which worked as a defense for him when a child will probably work against him as an adult.

Invalidation kills confidence, creativity, individuality... and if we do not find a way to re-empower our individual and collective lives and to connect with our humanity it will slowly erode all that we have built into a tower of sand.

The solution that we seek in our lives, in our work and in our world does not lie outside us but within us. We each have the power to move past invalidation by igniting the power of our heart to touch our mind and infuse our life and the lives of others with validation and joy.
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Overcomer

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Re: Invalidation by the N
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2007, 04:31:46 PM »
A couple of things in this article I would like to talk about...........

1) Has anyone ever heard about fragmenting your identiy?  Splitting from the real you???

2) He talks about despair and depression - this is me.............and some of you, too!

Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

isittoolate

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Re: Invalidation by the N
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2007, 04:41:20 PM »
OC

I am likely fragmented.

WRITE

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Re: Invalidation by the N
« Reply #3 on: May 08, 2007, 05:51:18 PM »
oh yes, it's impossible for me not to be 'fragmented' partially from the trauma but now also the way I manage the bipolar, half the time I don't dare to experience my emotions it's like i am always trying to separate what is normal emotion from what is bipolar....I guess I'll calm down with that eventually but it is very unreal sometimes.

WRITE

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Re: Invalidation by the N
« Reply #4 on: May 08, 2007, 06:25:30 PM »
Do any of you relate to knowing who you were when you were younger and then losing it?                                                                            Ami]

I use CTRL C then CTRL V.

Yep, I feel like my whole childhood was about losing who I was and adulthood just took me further and further. I remember simple moments of joy as a child despite my difficult life, then there were many years where I didn't have that. Thank goodness I do somewhat now, even amidst all this chaos and change.

I think when you've been involved with someone who imposed their version of reality the damage is proportional to how warped that was.

Just last night I said to someone about my ex 'he's a nice guy really' then burst out laughing and said why did I say that? He really ill-treats me at every point he can't get his own way. He's a total bully!

I feel like my value has to be told to me from the outside.

well if you're going to listen to voices from outside you need to select carefully and tune a lot out. Like my sabotage thread- sometimes people cannot help projecting their insecurities and unpleasantness....

You are a cool person, a beautiful person, a whole person who got attacked and damaged, who is busy rebuilding

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Overcomer

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Re: Invalidation by the N
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2007, 07:29:44 PM »
When Ami wrote "I am a "cool" person" I had a moment - a flash - I mean I really flash backed..........When I was a teenager and my mom was "neglecting" me..................I really was a free spirit.............I was COOL......in my sophomore year I had it all....Sophomore Class President, skinny, cheerleader, Student Council..............I had a job, a boyfriend, a car, friends.......

Then my best friends moved away, the cheerleading try outs were rigged, I started smoking Pot and hanging out with the wrong people..............and viola.....................my perfect life went down the toilet........

My mom didn't start controlling me until I was an adult.  My ex was so stupid, an infidel, Narcissistic in his own way, illusions of grandiour but DEFINITELY couldn't and can't back it up..................mom butted into that marriage, tried to fix the butthead.....paid for our college but in return took over our lives. 

THAT is when it all started happening................at the age of 26..............yeah, she didn't have time for me when I was young and just let me figure life out.....but I would take the neglect over the constant intrusion.....the shame.......the guilt.......
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Confounded

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Re: Invalidation by the N
« Reply #6 on: May 09, 2007, 12:43:16 AM »
Okay, now flip this around, and it also seems to describe what the N experiences.  Even the slightest mention of anything that might need to be done differently is apparently expereinced as a personal attack on the N.  Compounding this is the fact that the N seems to be endlessly confident that he can do no wrong, so he puts little effort into doing things in an advisable manner, thereby creating many opportunities for disagreement (i.e., threats to his psychological safety).

If an N eats pizza for lunch every day of the week for years, and has a very high cholesterol count reported after his annual physical, he really can't relate to the idea that he is doing something wrong (i.e., harming himself).  Any suggestion that he change his diet is seen as an attempt to control (invalidate) him.  His rage (which is so extreme that it threatens to invalidate his partner) is self-described as a response to attempts to control (invalidate) him.

It's a vicious cycle.  His oblivious, bizare behavior invites correction, which he experiences as attempted invalidation, and then he flares rage at his partner, which is so destructive that it could make nearly anyone feel invalidated.  Now he thinks he has evened up the score.  But his partner thinks that he has launched an unprovoked attack.

The only way that I have found to minimize the N's experience of feeling invalidated in the event of a disagreement, is to cite an expert.  When his partner tells the N that his doctor's nurse advised that since he refuses to change his diet, his partner needs to buy lots of life insurance on him (I know, she's probably not supposed to be that blunt), the frank words of another seemed to be slightly less problematic for him.  He actually started eating better occasionally.     

I am trying to come to some kind of understanding of this cycle of abuse (this abuse is rage, of a non-violent but horrible nature).  I was stunned to hear the raging N describe his feelings of anger building over days because of numerous slights, which having read the above I now think sound like feelings of invalidation.  He said that he was constantly ignored (this happens if he tries to set an agenda and his partner wants to discuss what will be on the agenda, before discussing when it will be done; or at other times because he thinks that his partner should know what he wants without his saying anything).  He also complains of constantly being "given attitude" (e.g., when his partner rolls her eyes in response to his comments about his perfection, infallibility, etc., or when she simply tells him that something needs to be corrected, and meets his automatic resistance with insistence).

I think that this situation is very different from being in a relationship with an N where the N is one's parent, since a parent is in a position of authority.  When the N is one's partner, one expects to function as peers.  But if the N turns normal, everyday situations into perceived assaults on his psyche, and rage builds within him until he blows up, and attempts to dominate/intimidate his partner, it gives one a great deal to try to understand.  The N feels invalidated in situations that would be no biggie to another person.  His reaction is to try to invalidate the person that he perceives to be his attacker.  If he can invalidate the perceived attacker, then the attacker can no longer invalidate him.  He is defending himself against something that is the product of his own mind.

Oh dear.  I think it would be helpful to have more than one undergrad course in psychology under my belt right about now.  Even if I can understand it, I sure don't know what to do about it.

Overcomer

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Re: Invalidation by the N
« Reply #7 on: May 09, 2007, 07:00:04 AM »
I agree.  I sent this article to my mom but I bet if I discussed it with her she would say something like "if you perceive that I invalidate you than that must be your reality but I do not do that."  She would never admit that she had done anything wrong.  So knowing her she will try to fix this some way-the saga continues!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

camper

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Re: Invalidation by the N
« Reply #8 on: May 09, 2007, 09:08:51 AM »
Quote
When you act according to the will of another person and suppress your own wishes, you have identified a part of yourself with the other person. You have let them into your mind, as your master. You have become fragmented

My H has become the master of my mind.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  It is all about keeping him happy.

Quote
It is also very frequent in relationships where one partner adjusts to match the other's expectations

This is why I don't know who I am.  I have gotten comfortable giving up my wishes and dreams.  I do what he expects to keep him happy.  It is called balancing.  My H acts so extreme, I am at the other end trying to balance him.

Quote
Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, control or diminish someone's feelings. Constant invalidation may be one of the most significant reasons a person with high innate emotional intelligence suffers from unmet emotional needs later in life. A sensitive child who is repeatedly invalidated becomes confused and begins to distrust his own emotions. He fails to develop confidence in and healthy use of his emotions. The working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. The emotional processes which worked as a defense for him when a child will probably work against him as an adult.

My H's father invalidated him and I would love to understand the very last sentence of this:  The emotional processes which worked as a defense for him when a child will probably work against him as an adult.  How is it working against him?  My H's father never said, "Good job".  This has caused my H to need mega attention, pats on the back, get very angry when I second guess him, be defensive over everything.  Because of the invalidation in his childhood, he is a mess.  No matter how much attention I give him, it will never be enough.  My H is very emotional.  He smothers me.  It gets hard to breath.  My therapist pointed out that the reason I need alone time, or down time, is because I am always very concerned about taking care of everybody else that I get burnt out.  Between my kids and my H, I am pulled and get to a point where I am stretched too far.  At the end of the day...I am done.  then my H needs more attention.  When he is around, I don't dare try to sit.  He needs this, he can't find that, he needs to talk...it has amazed me how needy he is.  He loves involving people in what he is doing by getting them to help him.  He thinks he needs to help people feel valuable by enlisting their help.  He doesn't think twice about asking for help.  Things I can easily do by myself, he needs help(more like attention).  Simple things, he needs help.  When we do projects, I am his go-fer.  He will stand there and wait until I get him everything he needs.  One time he asked me to plug in the vaccum and it was right by him and farther from me.  I have stopped being his go-fer and often tell him he can go get whatever.  He is thinking twice now BEFORE he asks me to go get something.  If he treats me poorly, I just walk away.  that has helped also.  Things are slowly changing...he is bucking it but my actions are changing him.  I ignore his anger and he gets over it.

Thanks Overcomer for that great article. 

Overcomer

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Re: Invalidation by the N
« Reply #9 on: May 09, 2007, 09:15:44 AM »
You are welcome-I like it a lot too.  When I married my  h hebasically terrorized me.  Ifinally told him  there is thedoor andhestraightened up
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Dreamer

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Re: Invalidation by the N
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2007, 04:27:33 PM »
"I don't know who I am",  This is me ! LOL

Very good post thank you