Feeling my feelings frightens me

[aware]

I've been in therapy a long time, working at overcoming family problems and dealing with major depression.   Sometimes, when I am having situational depression, it brings out the intensity of the major depression which is bad.  Real bad.  But something happened recently  that has me very angry, but I get afraid of my own anger sometimes.    I want to move in with my boyfriend.  He owns his own place.  He wants me to think of it as 'our' place.   I have no idea how that feels and I am experiencing feelings of worthlessness.  And to top it off, I can't stop crying because for the first time in my life, I am aware of the neglect I suffered as a child.    I never was able to feel my feelings for the longest time.  Therapy helped me with that and sometimes I don't know how to deal with them when I do feel them.

[isittoolate]

Dear aware

How old are you?

I am 68 and I am here because I cannot feel my feelings at all--- never really put it all together for therapists all my life until this year. Imagine!!!!

I have had a hell of a life trying to get through it and appear/act nornal.

Mine is also family (siblings and parents, but both parents dead)  and even my daughter. She is 43 (3 kids) Her ex is a Narcissiistic as*hole

Is your boyfriend good to you? no verbal/physical abuse/alcoholism?

I haven't felt any feelings yet.

Izzy

[JanetLG]

Aware,

Do you feel 'safe' with this boyfriend, for the first time in your life, possibly? Do you feel as if it's OK to start feeling/thinking about the past, now that you've found someone who wants to give you a safe place to be? Is your therapist good at making the sessions a safe place to express your feelings when they do come out?

Just some questions to think about...not to worry if you don't want to answer them here, though.

I'm sure your subconscious won't allow you to be aware of any thoughts or feelings that your conscious mind can't handle. It's funny like that - has a mind of its own, as it were!

Janet

[Margo]

I've been in therapy a long time, working at overcoming family problems and dealing with major depression.   Sometimes, when I am having situational depression, it brings out the intensity of the major depression which is bad.  Real bad.  But something happened recently  that has me very angry, but I get afraid of my own anger sometimes.    I want to move in with my boyfriend.  He owns his own place.  He wants me to think of it as 'our' place.   I have no idea how that feels and I am experiencing feelings of worthlessness.  And to top it off, I can't stop crying because for the first time in my life, I am aware of the neglect I suffered as a child.    I never was able to feel my feelings for the longest time.  Therapy helped me with that and sometimes I don't know how to deal with them when I do feel them.

Dear Aware:  I don't think there's anything wrong with crying and being sad.  I'm glad to hear you've had therapy.... are in therapy?  Learning to navigate overwhelming feelings isn't easy for anyone, so you're not alone there. 

About your boyfriend.  How is he helping you deal with these feelings and your feelings of worthlessness?  He wants you to move in with him....but how do you feel about that?  What's bringing up those feelings, do you think?  Margo