Hi everyone! It has been awhile since I've posted here and I hope everyone is enjoying spring!
So, here is my main question:
How does one recovering from having a Little Voice better "trust their gut" when it comes to the dating game?
In the past, trusting my gut proved disasterous. Trusting my gut meant taking care of everyone else and being convincd that I could "fix" everyone's flaws. So now, trusting my gut is hard! I've always been affraid of saying no because I didn't know I could. But now, I'm learning to say no, but am affraid I will use it in the wrong spots!!!
This is my current situation:
I'm dating someone who is 10 years my senior and has a life that is pretty much set in both career, hobies and home. We've gone on 4 official dates where definate interest has been expressed both intellectually and physically, but just in the form of words. At the end of the 4th date, this person sat me down and told me two things:
1) They have a long-term goal of moving to a neighboring state within 1-3 years (not new info)
2) They have gone on two dates with someone else who lives in that neighboring state, but have told that other person that they were stepping back to date someone else (me). BUT, they just wanted to bring this up in case it becomes a factor in the future.
Ever since that conversation, I've felt both special and hanging by my last thread. This person keeps bringing up that they are so "up in the air with who they are dating", but by the same token tells me they about how much they like me, are attracted to me and wants to keep dating. My new, healthier position on relationships is telling me that if this person likes me so much, why don't they just jump in? What is the point of telling me about someone they MIGHT date? Playing games? Just insecure/affraid?
Should I continue to play the game, or practice my "saying no" skills because my new, healthier gut is telling me something is just weird!!?? And, if I do put a stop to our dating and say no, I have the lingering instinct to NEVER let go of ANYONE no matter how crappy the situation is!
Big topic, I know! I hope that I was clear in what I was asking to you all. Any insight about ANYTHING would be greatly appreciated.
And, for those who would like to read a little background info about me, I've posted that at the bottom:
But, because I identify as having a "Little Voice", I believe I find dating to be an even more daunting and stressful task than what could be considered usual. In Richard's essay about Little Voices, this is the part I most identify with:
""In "Voicelessness: Narcissism," I presented one way adults react having experienced this scenario in childhood: they constantly try to re-inflate their leaky "self." However, different temperaments spawn different adjustments: some children, by their very nature, are incapable of aggressively seeking attention. If no one is entering their world, they unconsciously employ a different strategy. They diminish their voice, make as few demands as possible, and bend themselves like a pretzel to fit their parents world.
To secure their place in the family, these children often become expert in intuiting their parents' feelings and moods and automatically responding in ways they deem helpful. In effect, they become good parents to their own parents.""
I have been deeply affected like the above and the situation was further compounded by the fact that I am an only child, who's parents divorced when I was 7 after my dad revealed he was having an affair with another woman for over a year. And, fast forwarding, I lived at home until I was 23 and felt the best when my mom validated my every move. What I didn't see until recently is that she also needed me for validation, as she often told me that I was her only accomplishment in life.
Five years ago, I entered therapy because I realized I had no idea what I truly wanted for myself and from my relationships, couldn't take risks and found myself becoming codependant on people/partners that were emotionally abusive or just plain not good for me. If friends cancelled, I felt dispondent. If I felt slighted by a partner, I couldn't understand why they just couldn't see my good nature and correct their transgression. I had the inability to show anger towards my mother. I could barely say no.
And now we have the present day. I've worked very hard these past 5 years to "relearn" and heal my inner wounds. And, I have made great strides when it comes to dating...it has become easier (to communicate, ask for what I need, look for what I want, compromise...ect). BUT, I am constantly aware of newly-healed scar that keeps playing the old scripts and habits. It is this scar that shadows my newly-learned behaviors and muddles up my mind with mayhem!!!
