For those of you who survived an N parent

[Hopalong]

Hi CB,
If it's not too painful...how did you actually leave?

I had thought he had left the farm but I might be confused.

I'm just curious so there's no need at all to tell the whole painful tale ifyou're not in the mood...

I just wanna post today.

love
Hops

[Hopalong]

I'm okay...a little sad about Mom.
Picked her up from the hosp. today (it was dehydration, mainly...despite my and her morning companion's efforts to get her to drink more water)...

I had taken her to the doc last Tues. since she was not doing well. Her sleep time had about doubled, her color was bad, and her walking deteriorated to the point she was barely able to. She fell as I was trying to get her in the car, I wrenched my back breaking her fall so she'd ease to the driveway. No neighbors were home so after I ran to a couple houses I flagged down a City truck and the angel driver hopped out, scooped her up and gently put her in the car. After the doc saw her he said I should take her right to the hospt. Anyway, today I transferred her to the nursing home because she'd had a PT eval and the medical opinion is that at least right now, she needs 24-hour care. Hard to do, and her comments are hard to handle. It's just sad. I popped in twice. She's okay but wants to come home, and blames me. Then, at one point tonight (first time ever this has happened) she didn't quite recognize me, confused me with my daughter, and said, "Your mother insists on taking me to that nursing place." Kind of a blaming thing. I just looked and said, Mom, it's me, and you know...I brought you here on doctor's orders, not mine...  Anyway, tough day.

Tonight a friend and I went to see Waitress. Very touching movie, though I was confused about the extra-martial stuff (at least on the man's part). No real motive except he was a little disoriented from being in a new town. But his wife clearly adored him. Anyway, there were great moments in that film... and I so got the ending, which felt like the exact way I felt when my child was born.

Thanks for asking, CB...I know all this stuff will change and do whatever it does. It's just an uncertainty period. I truly don't know if Ma will ever be home again because last time she was in PT, she worked so hard she did become strong again. But this year feels different, but I never know.

Anyway, I'm going to try to let the sadness come and go and take advantage of this peaceful interval at home to do more self-care, organizing, and work on my own business. That part, just for me, is a pure gift.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Thanks, CB. I really do know.

The feeling's mutual.

I really appreciate your words.

love
Hops, etc

[lighter]

Lupita:

I've a chilling tingle that ran up my spine and into the top of my head where it keeps circling.... thinking about the childhood you had to endure.  Doubting your own reality.  You said it with such clarity..... confusion.

These people are broken beyond repair.  They can't do better and they'll never be whole or OK or glad to be alive.  They'll always be living in fear and like rats and unable to do any better.

We, you, me.... can heal and do better.  We can set boundaries and enforce them.  We can love and nurture and protect the vulnerable in society. 

I wish it was easier to identify these covert abusers, but it's just not.  In the meantim thanks for posting your thoughts and trying to help me keep my own children out of harms way. 

You're mother may have been an awful human being but, you turned out to be an amazing woman.  Thanks for your input.


 

[lighter]

CB and SS:

I'm out, but struggling to stay out.  I think my N is a little more antisocial than N, but N just the same.  It's a struggle and I don't have any "good" choices right now.  My path seems to lead down but it can only go so far down before it heads back up again, I have to keep that in mind. 

Nothing good nor bad, lasts forever.  I'm certainly looking forward to raising my children as well as I can and all your words and experiences help me form a plan and keep moving in a positive direction.  It's not fair but it's my path.  I wish I understood why,  sociopaths and N's are allowed to get away with so much.  They're not obviouse but after their victims begin talking about it, you'd think more would be done to HELP the victims and not keep them silent.  I do all the time. 

[reallyME]

Lupita, after reading your post, I want to present it as the perfect example of what GASLIGHTING is.

Lupita shared:

As a child of an N parent, you grow up so confused! No idea on what is wrong and wright. When your mother says something and later says that she never said it, when your mother takes your things and says that you must have forgotten them somewhere else, when your mother takes things from your house and then tells you "Do you remember when you gave me this as a gift?"
You grow up so confused, you grow up so confused.
When your mother blames you of almost about everything that happens around the family, when your mother accuses you fo things you have never done, you grow up so confused, you grow up so confused.

This is a cruel tactic used by N's against people.  They try their best to make you feel crazy and insane.

There are some ways I've learned to deal with this one:

I might say "nope, I know I put it there, but if you want to insist that I didn't, well, that's YOUR REALITY, not mine."

I might just say "humph" and go do something else.

As far as being falsely accused, I've been heard to say "well, GOD saw what really happened and I'm just letting Him deal with this situation."

The idea with N-statements, is, you either stand up to them by using "wittyness" or you can try to "ignore" them.  You can also try to do what is called "DEFLECTION"...when they accuse or try to trick ya...put it all back ON THEM somehow...MAKE THEM ACCOUNTABLE!

~Laura

[BonesMS]

I need to learn how to use those techniques the next time I catch my soon-to-be ex gaslighting again.

Bones

[Stormchild]

my soon-to-be ex

Congratulations and sympathy both at the same time, Bones. Wishing you strength, respite, peace, and good relationships to come.

[Ami]

Wow Storm,
   When you 'reviewed" Lupita's post,A big light went on in my head. My mother was an expert at this
   This behavior really makes you so doubt your own ability to perceive reality..
   It is such a "rape" of a person to make them doubt their own perceptions. It is really evil,isn't it?
                                                                                                           Love     Ami

[BonesMS]

my soon-to-be ex

Congratulations and sympathy both at the same time, Bones. Wishing you strength, respite, peace, and good relationships to come.

Thanks, Stormy.

Bones