No other Choice...

[sweetgrass]

I have been searching the board for a while. All of you have incredible stories. How have you all gotten Thur years,months, and days of pain? I truly salute you  all for being Survivors. Narcissism is a terrible disease, and no one would understand unless they have Hooked up with an "N" for a period of time.

My story is the same. My xN,b/f has grown tired of me. He is in Hot pursuit of New, "young" supply. I am yesterday's trash. I spoke to him today, and I could tell he really did not want to talk to me. I called him earlier, and I have not gotten a return phone call. Last night we were talking about the two of us building a house and living happily ever after. Before we could hang up his call waiting was going crazy with calls from her. He knew I could hear the beeps, he told me his cell phone was going out. What a liar he is.

I am going to break if off with him, and let him know that I know he is, and has been fooling around. I am going to stay free of him this time. I am going to go Thur all the pain, and withdrawls of his absence. I have had my fill of him. The months,weeks,days,hours, minutes, and seconds are going to be hard.

I am with my Therapist weekly, so here I go. This is not going to be a fun summer...

You know what is funny. He has been seeing me, and seeing her. That means he doesn't care anymore for her, than he does for me. I am sure she was like me during our first year. He had me floating from the ceiling with his lies, and his presence. If she only knew where she was heading....

My Therapist says he will never ever change.

Pray for me, I have been in the basement of pity all day...

Sweetgrass

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Sweetgrass))))))))))

Hang on, your saving help is on its way, and believe it or not, much of it will come from you, in ways you won't believe are possible.

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Sweetgrass, with your beautiful name...

A lump of clay goes through the fire of the kiln and comes out with a beautiful glaze in colors the potter never dreamed of.

It
is
worth
it
and
you'll
make
it

Hopalong

[Green]

Hi Sweetgrass,

Sounds like you have already made some really important realizations :

He is not going to change

Breaking up with him will hurt

But it will not hurt forever - you said it not be a fun summer

You sound very resolved to get out of this toxic relationship and that is great.  I am rooting for you! Keep working with your T and keep posting here if it helps you.  And like Ami said, at some point, I think it will be very important for you to examine what attracted you the this N in the first place and what kept you with him for so long.  Does it remind you of other relationship in your past or present, with parents, siblings, friends, boyfriends?

Be careful that he does not reel you back in - this is a very common N-trick when we try to get away.  Keep us posted.

Good luck!

Green

[teartracks]

Sweetgrass,

I didn't have a chance to say Hi and Welcome to VESMB.  It's uncanny the similarities of our stories  here, isn't it?  How are things going?

tt

[Bella_French]

Sweetgrass, I just wanted to offer you my support and some big virtual hugs!!! It was only 4 and half years ago that I was in the same position as you are in now. I was in my early thirties, and I had so many hopes and dreams associated with that relationship. I thought we'd own our first home together too!. For some reason those hopes and dreams were so hard to let go of. Even after knowing he was a somatic narcissist for some time, it wasn't really until I knew for sure that he'd been seeing/sleeping with  other women that I was finally able to fine the resolve needed to walk away. Even then, it was so hard. Its not just a guy you're walking away from; its the mutual friends, and the life you shared. You pretty much have to leave everything behind in order to really follow the no contact rule. Most people don't understand the level of loss this involves, or the strength required to carry it out. N's will stalk you forever if you don't take extreme and difficult measures to cut off from them.

I kind of `muddled' my way out of the relationship, using every defense and resource I had available to me. I feel that my friends judged me harshly during this time, which was yet another loss to face. I don't really think people can understand what its like. In so many ways it was the lonliest and hardest period of my life. But it was also like being reborn.

There are so many positives to count, having gone through it though. Perhaps the greatest one of all was that the sheer pain of it changed something within me. I am no longer attracted in any way to narcissistic traits (Yay!!). That attraction died a timely death, and led me to find my fiance and life partner; A supportive, kind, man who provides nuture and love like I've never experienced. I am often left feeling blessed to have gone through such suffering, for it gives me a great sense of his value- his kindness, and beauty as a person. I find myself deeply appreciating substantial character traits that really count in people. I don't think I really had this apprecaition before.

It was only the first step for me- theres so much more healing to be accomplished. But at least my foundations are solid now. You never have solid foundations with a N.

Anyway, i ope I don't sound too preachy or anything like that. i just wanted to share some of my past with you. I will be thinking of you, and i want you to know that I understand what you're going through.


















 

[lighter]

How are you doing today, Sweetgrass? 

[Overcomer]

Sweet:  My ex was an N and he cheated on me con the time but I didnt know it until he actually left with one.  I was devastated!  The divorce was over 10 years ago-3 Kids.  You will get over it - I promise!  But what you have to be weary of is ending up with someone who is an n as well!  You can do it!  He is Not worth it!  YOU are worthy of so much more!

[confused2]

Hi All...I've not posted for a while. I have been busy reading everything I could get my hands on about Narcissism.I just learned of the disorder last summer when my xN took his first "flight" from me. Some of the things I read seem a little confusing to me. seems as if I am just going in a circle? I have to be honest and say I just don't think I totally understand it. It is just so much stuff!

The pass week have been very very difficult. I called and left a message for my XN with the facts about his relationship with the "other woman." He hasn't call, and I certainly did not expect him to call. I just wanted him to know that I knew. He thinks he had been so smart about everthing. I am sure he was blown away that I knew so much, and where I would have gotten so many facts. It felt good for a while, but later, I felt as if someone had let the air out of me. I was at work and all of sudden everthing was over whelming to me. I could not concentrate to do my work, my thoughts were all fuzzy. The constant thoughts of him with someone else is more than I can stomach sometimes. Then I ask myself how could he have done such a terrible thing to us, to me? Then I realized I have been involved with someone that has mental issues.

I can't sleep without thinking of him. I can barely stay at home. The phone is so quiet, the house is quiet. It seems that everything is grieving his absence. All I think about is the fun he is having with her, the way it used to be with us. All of our plans, our mutual friends, our families, the questions that everyone is beginning to ask about his absence. My faith has also been greatly shaken. Everything in my life seems to be affected. I go thru this fog groping for something that seems familiar. I just can't find it. I cry, and then I realize that my tears aren't erasing the pain. My heart hurt, I don't know how to make it stop. I keep trying to find the answer to why her, over me? why the lies, how could he pretend for so long?

I read about the abandonment issue with their mates they so greatly fear. Yet they plan their abandonment, how crazy is that?? All that I've read talks of how they go into their shell of depression having loss one of their main supplies. I hope his heart, head, and everthing else is being ripped apart about now. I want him to feel what I feel.

Also, I am very surprised to learn he is a somatic Narcissist. I thought he was the opposite?  He did not show any signs of really wanting to be in a muptile relationship?
How did I miss that?

I apparently was unable to meet his needs... I am not sure I will be able to trust anyone ever again....

confused2

[lighter]

Confused2,

I only wish my N was willing to leave me and go on with someone else so easily.  You may not see it now but, once you've started filling your life with meaningful people and activities you'll understand that his leaving you alone, now, was really a blessing. 

He could have continued to jerk you around between nice and cruel behavior, keeping you in the loope and wasting more years of your life. 

You're in the void now.  Everyone goes through it.  Keep reading and surrounding yourself with people who can support you while you're healing.  You are healing, btw. 

Everything you're feeling, being overwhelmed and confused, having trouble concentrating, these are normal.  You're not crazy and I often find myself thinking the word "circles" when thinking about my situation with an N. 

Take back your power and try not to contact him again, if you can help it.  If you can't, oh well, forgive yourself and try taking your power back tomorrow. 

We'll be here for you either way.  Lighter

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((Confused2))))))))))))))

Hon, can you force yourself to reach out for comfort and company, say some groups, or a church, or a volunteer thing?
Something where even if you're MAKING yourself go at first, after a while, becomes a family of friends?

I do think that makes the void less frightening, and helps remind you you're still a part of the human community,
you have a right to be here, and you're not alone. I hope you can avoid too much isolation.

love
Hops

[debkor]

I have also been down that road.  Not only did mine cheat and have probably many of gfs he also had a child with one.
I found this out 3 years after.  I was not with him at the time so it really did not affect me then.  I do feel bad though for the girl and the child.  It was the state looking for him for child support which means he blew her off too.

 Anyway I know how you must feel.  It's very hard very painful and these are the feelings that you must go through.  There is no way around it. This is your healing and you will heal.  I promise you that.  It's such a betrayal and your mind and body is still shocked. You look forwarded to feeling numb just so you can rest, sleep and turn your thoughts off for a few hours.  Talk to anyone you want but keep talking get it out, anger, sorrow, miss him, hate him.  There are so many emotions at one time it is overwhelming. Try not to bury them.  Don't deny them.  Don't shut down.  You will do what you need to do.  Do not beat yourself up for making a mistake or talking to him again.  This is the process that we all try to be perfect at and there is no perfection.  No contact is the best way but it does not always happen that way.  Just be easy on yourself.  Do not try to expect too much out of yourself right now. I was feeling one way but my mind was telling me to get hold of myself.  Everything is out of whack now.  All the things you thought are not.  Or all the things your thought are,  it's a whole catch 22. Either way it happened and you have had a major bomb dropped in your lap and left to dig out by yourself.  But you will.  I swear this will pass in time.  It won't be as heavy on your heart as you feel now.

Most of on here have had similar things.  We are speaking.  We can promise you that you will feel less heavy hearted and heal. 

It's so very hard to compute this I had a hard time but it is really not personal.  They do nothing personal.  It's not you girls.  It's really not.  I took it so hard.  How could he do this to me.  How could he do this to his child.  How could he do this to the child I never knew about.  Why?  Because we are objects there to serve a purpose nothing personal. 

It was not YOU.  You did nothing to make this happen or could do nothing to make it stop.  I really really want you to know this.  This is just HIM.  I call them people of the missing.  They are bodies, shells, with major components missing. 



Keep posting there are plenty of people who can listen be compassionate and understand what you are going through on here.

Love
Deb

[teartracks]

((((((((((((((((((Confused2))))))))))))))))))))))

Writing about your feelings/emotions can be very helpful.  Reading about the experiences of others here who have been in similar circumstances and overcome can be very encouraging.   My best to you and your hurting heart. 

tt

[Brigid]

Dear Sweetgrass & Confused2,

CB said:

You were unable to meet his needs because his needs are a bottomless pit.  No one can meet his needs.  It's not about you, it's about him.  This new source of supply, this woman he has replaced you with, she will experience the same fate eventually.  He will look and look for someone to fill the hole in his soul and no one will ever be able to.

This is absolutely true.  This never was or ever will be about you.  I had to hear this from my therapist many times before I actually believed it.  My xnh left me after 22 years of marriage and 2 children.  I won't go into my long story (you can read it in many past postings over the last 3 years), but it is similar to yours.  I suffered more devastation than I can describe and thought my world had stopped spinning. 

I can assure you now, more than 3 1/2 years after my x's leaving, many hours of therapy, and a wonderful new relationship, that you can and will get through this and will eventually be very grateful for his having left and given you the opportunity to go on to a much more happy and fulfilling life.

I will be honest and say that it will be horrible for some time.  You will think that it will never get better.  You will start to feel better, then something will happen that will spiral you back to that painful place and you will once again be afraid that you will never feel better.  The road is bumpy and you will suffer hills and valleys, but eventually the road gets smoother, life gets easier, you can laugh and have fun again.  But the best advice I can give, is to feel it all.  Feel all the pain and grief and try to understand why a man like him would be attractive to you.  There is always a reason for it and in order to avoid making the same mistake again, you need to know why.

I send you strength and love as you begin the journey to a better place.

Brigid