Ns being nice

[Ami]

[CYNICISM***** *****CYNICISM***** *****CYNICISM***** READ WITH CAUTION

it's part of gaslighting and fostering dependence. it keeps you off balance and gets you to doubt your own judgment. it creates false hope.

yes, i do think it's possible for an N to change. but: the indicator of true change in an N is that they realize they've been N, and they're absolutely appalled, horrified, mortified by what they have been and done, and THEY ARE WILLING TO FACE THAT AND BEAR IT. If they've reached this point, then their niceness can be regarded as the making of amends, because there is less likely to be an ulterior motive behind it.

Nicey-nice from an N, without that moment of truth and the willingness to face themselves for what they are, is nothing more than bait.

*****CYNICISM***** *****CYNICISM***** *****CYNICISM***** READ WITH CAUTIO]


Dear Storm,
  I just had to highlight this and say THANK YOU   THANK YOU THANK YOU--- I needed that!!!   Love
                                                                                                                                       Ami

[Ami]

This topic of gaslighting is monumental for me . I read that link by "dazed" and it was genius. I always wondered,'How did I lose myself? Why don't I trust my gut,my core,my emotions and my very being?" Well, this is the answer. My mother stole my core, either consciously or subconsciously. She sucked it out like an insect would suck out the insides of some prey.My mother tried to steal anything good, beautiful, kind, sweet,joyful,life giving and life esteeming in me.
.I have to think about what the Bible says about the devil(evil). He comes ONLY to steal,kill and destroy.
  When I think about how my N mother has a radar on anything beautiful- what am I to conclude?There is something  in her that just yearns to destroy all the beauty in your soul and all the beauty in your life. After they are done with you,you are a shell filled with poison.
   I am starting to see myself-in my mind;s eye- before she stole my insides. It is a beautiful picture.
                                                                                                                          Love Ami
   

[pennyplant]

Why are they nice?  I find myself thinking about HOW they are nice.  In my experience, they tend to perform acts of service.  They DO things.

Today at work, the "junior to me co-worker who gets on my nerves" (though less and less as I am learning to disengage in a serious way, yeehoo) mentioned to one of the guys that she is cooking dinner for a friend tonight as part of some kind of service group.  And my first thought was, wow, you don't do anything at all for anyone around here and, in fact, always expect each of us to finish all your tasks for you.  How out of character for you to cook this dinner for someone else!

Then I remembered how the other day she made a point of asking what someone wanted in the coffee she was getting for whoever wanted it.  And a few months ago at a restaurant get-together, she offered a round of drinks for the table first thing.  Hmmmm.  Methinks it's all about the show.  All about making people believe she is a nice person and perhaps even making herself think she is a nice person.  Making people believe she at least tries her best.

But when the majority of the time, 95% of the time, it's all about what we can do for her, well, I think that is the truth of the matter.  A few coffees or a round of drinks doesn't buy it for me.  Material generosity seems quite easy for these types.  Real sweaty sacrifice for others is not even on their menu.

I'm very grateful that I'm learning to disengage from it as that seems to be the only recourse.  They won't change or be controlled or be educated.  Being able to really see it helps.  It is a predictable pattern.  "How are they nice?" is an excellent test.

Pennyplant

[Stormchild]

((((Ami)))) yer welcome!

Pennyplant... yes. It's all about the show. Ns will expeNd huge amouNts of eNergy on image maiNteNance, but woN't lift a fiNger, as you poiNt out, to give real help wheN thiNgs get gritty.

Reminds me of a post surgical church experience. [Now there's a phrase!]. I had a partial hysterectomy, because I was so full of fibroids and they were growing so fast that I was headed for fatal renal failure due to crowding of the organs in my pelvic area. Yeah, that happens. "Benign" can kill you. After the surgery, I hemorrhaged and nearly bled to death. Then I got peritonitis because they wouldn't give me antibiotics [I requested them and was laughed at, literally. No surprise, they laughed at me when I told them I was hemorrhaging, too.]

So when I finally got home, after all this, I was weak as a kitten and white as a sheet, and god help me, the church ladies started calling.

And I had this conversation more than once, almost exactly the same one word for word:

'Hi Stormy, do you need anything?'

"Hi X, no, I"m doing OK."

"No groceries or anything?"

"No, I'm OK, I laid in stores before I went in for surgery, I've got everything I need."

"Anything from the drugstore? Anything I can do?"

"Well...." [long timid pause] "... you know, I had complications, and I'm pretty weak, so the place hasn't been vacuumed in about three weeks now... "

[Definite "sniff" sound.] "Oh. Well. I'll send the maid over."

"Uh... no, please don't do that. I don't know your maid, and I don't want a stranger coming in here when I'm this weak and helpless."

[Louder sniff.] "Well, I was just trying to help!" [followed by further expressions of annoyance and criticism, followed by me ending the conversation asap.]

All. About. The. Show. Not one of them had any real interest in helping me, and it came out clear as clear the minute I asked them to do something I actually needed, rather than something that would make a good photo op.

Not much bragging rights in vacuuming somebody's place, I guess.

Do I 'harbor resentment' about this? Not really. I haven't thought about it in ages. When I do think about it, I have no desire to 'get even' about it. Nothing to 'get even' about. I'm grateful for the lesson, because it taught me more about this type of phony than years of observation would have done.

Plus, there was Strange Mercy in it. I told my petsitter about the incident, and they were so appalled that they insisted on coming over on a weekend and 'doing' my whole place. I was so touched that I cried. And you better believe, they got a BIG whacking bonus... plus I insisted on replacing their truck tires at my expense... and it turns out that working for me, plus the bonus and the help with the vehicle expenses, kept them in business that year. My little mishap gave them just enough income that they made it through a tough spot, and got their business established.

Good can come from amazing places. And it's neat, when it's mutual, too.

[Overcomer]

My mom is always giving me "advise" on what to do with my autistic child!  So I told her why did not she do some of there things since she has more time.  There was only one thing she liked and that was donating money to the school to start a program-I told her maybe they could name the wing after her and that was all it took for her to say that was a good idea!