Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
healing
Anonymous:
Hi Wildflower,
Aren't you just the most clever little cookie. You know, I am actually doing that very thing. Some in poetry form, some short stories. I've done some gore, not much. I still wanna ask you, so go on, tell me, how would you express through dress??
((hugs)) and thanks for the big squishy hug yesterday,
CG
Wildflower:
Hi CG,
You know, I really don't know how I'd like to dress. I'm just annoyed with my conservative/safe clothes. Ah, but my poor friends can only handle so much change at a time - and they've just settled in to the new colors in my wardrobe. :roll: :D
Oh, and the tv show? WKRP in Cincinatti. :lol: :oops: :lol: :oops:
:D
((CG))
Wildflower
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---
--- Quote ---And she pushed me away because she couldn’t deal with the responsibility of really taking care of a child. This reinforced the monster message, because it said to me that I was so bad, even my own mother couldn’t bear to spend time with me. :cry: :cry: :cry:
--- End quote ---
How she managed to project her own image into and onto you has got me beat!!!! I don't know how the hell she did, but I KNOW, DAMN IT, that that's what she did to you. DAMN IT!! Can anyone explain this to me?????
CG
--- End quote ---
Hi Wildflower, this part still really really really trips me up, and it's so bloody infuriating, makes me feel like such thickky. (crossed-eyed emoticon)
I guess and really hope this will be answered when I get the book, right on!!
Nah, don't know that TV show, damn. But I soooo love Niles in 'Frasier'.
And colourful clothes, how totally alive and full of feeling.
But hey, black is so stunning and slimming.
Hey, truth or dare, what were you at your heaviest? :D
((Higs)) what's a hig? :shock:
CG
Wildflower:
Hi CG,
--- Quote ---Hey, truth or dare, what were you at your heaviest?
--- End quote ---
Hmmm. Dare?? :oops: No, just kidding. I’d give you my weight but I think the sizes give a more dramatic picture. At my heaviest, I was around an 18 or 20 in US sizing. In college, I managed to get down to an average 14 (a little up, a little down :wink: ). And now I’m at a size 10 (and pretty much at my ideal weight) and have been for years. Wahoo. :D
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---
--- Quote ---And she pushed me away because she couldn’t deal with the responsibility of really taking care of a child. This reinforced the monster message, because it said to me that I was so bad, even my own mother couldn’t bear to spend time with me. :cry: :cry: :cry:
--- End quote ---
How she managed to project her own image into and onto you has got me beat!!!! I don't know how the hell she did, but I KNOW, DAMN IT, that that's what she did to you. DAMN IT!! Can anyone explain this to me?????
CG
--- End quote ---
Hi Wildflower, this part still really really really trips me up, and it's so bloody infuriating, makes me feel like such thickky. (crossed-eyed emoticon)
--- End quote ---
I didn’t explain it well, probably because it’s still new to me, but here goes take 2. :wink:
When my mom was interacting with me, it was mostly criticism. Not always, but mostly. And honestly, I didn’t really trust her compliments because they usually ended up being either back-handed or something I didn’t feel good about. But that’s just when she was interacting with me, which was pretty rare. If I asked her to do anything with me, she’d put me off. She never said no, she just put me off (later, in a little while, maybe in a minute). And if she was in the middle of something, which was often because she had a ton of hobbies, she’d say “not now.” And when she got home from work, she took long naps (2-4 hours), so that I really never saw much of her. So, I got the message that she didn’t want to be with me. And I made the connection that, because she was always criticizing me, she didn’t want to be with me because I was bad. Because I was deeply flawed. But even that was intensified by the fact that when I was 8 and upset over the loss of my good dad – and the loss of so many other things that went with him including friends – she accused me of being like my real (N) dad. The message I got then was that my dad was evil, and since I was like him (people always told us we were practically identical twins – and she reminded me of it all the time) I was evil, too.
So, the reality is/was that she pushed me away because she was irresponsible and couldn’t handle taking care of a child. But what I heard, the message I received, was that I was so bad, my own mother didn't want to be with me. Bad because I was my father’s daughter. I had it in me to be evil like him, and every time she criticized me, she was ‘saving’ me from myself. But more often than that, she just didn’t want to be with me – I was just too bad for her to manage. Or, I was so bad, she had to sleep because I was such a burden on her. Wore her out. :cry: :cry: :cry:
So for years, I've been carrying this around and it has affected everything I do, I know that. I think it's even the root cause of my chronic insomnia since I was, gee, oh, 9. For the past couple of weeks, I've actually fallen asleep easily. It's so weird. Fantastic, but weird.
Does that make more sense? :?
I’m still learning the ropes of how to say what I’m feeling when it comes to the present. I’m so much better at hashing out things I’ve been over a hundred times from the past. And that’s why I want to take another shot at trying to express what I wanted to say last night (but boy did I fumble :oops: ), because it’s important to me You’re important to me.
I see you here, and you’ve done so much in such a short amount of time. You’ve even got a name now :D . You trust people here. :D And I want you to keep trusting people here. I want to be here for you when I can - and you’re NOT a monkey/burden. Talking with you helps me sort stuff out, too, and your questions make me search a little harder – and even make me feel like someone cares. :D But I also need to make sure that I go out into the world and see how what I’ve learned has changed the way I see things. So I’m trying to learn to take care of myself and do what I need to do, but I also want to make sure that you know that if you don’t hear from me for a little while, it’s not AT ALL because of anything you said or how much you have to say.
Gosh I have a lot to learn… :roll:
Anyway, miss space traveler. That’s all for me tonight. Gonna try to actually get to bed at a reasonable hour for once. :shock: :D
Wildflower
P.S. - A hig is a hippo-pig. :D
Anonymous:
Hi there Wildflower,
--- Quote ---And now I’m at a size 10 (and pretty much at my ideal weight) and have been for years. Wahoo. :D
--- End quote ---
That must feel sooooo good, and you can wear so much more of what you like and it's so much easier to buy for, hey, and so much les cloth to iron :D :D Man, that was unhealthy before, huh. I wahoo with you :D Thank goodness you lost it. That is a huge weight loss, absolutely fantastic!! :D
--- Quote ---If I asked her to do anything with me, she’d put me off. She never said no, she just put me off (later, in a little while, maybe in a minute). And if she was in the middle of something, which was often because she had a ton of hobbies, she’d say “not now.” And when she got home from work, she took long naps (2-4 hours), so that I really never saw much of her. So, I got the message that she didn’t want to be with me. And I made the connection that, because she was always criticizing me, she didn’t want to be with me because I was bad. Because I was deeply flawed.
--- End quote ---
Oh my gosh, that is so awful, and so easy to do, to say "wait" to kids, or "not now, later". And easy, even with the best intentions. I just memo'd myself. Do a self-inventory, and make sure I'm not doing this. And she had tons of hobbies, I wonder why??? Distraction maybe. Easily bored??? I suppose a lot of the self-improvement stuff wasn't as easily available back then. It's such a shame she never took up the hobby to get help to learn how to parent.
--- Quote ---But even that was intensified by the fact that when I was 8 and upset over the loss of my good dad – and the loss of so many other things that went with him including friends – she accused me of being like my real (N) dad. The message I got then was that my dad was evil, and since I was like him (people always told us we were practically identical twins – and she reminded me of it all the time) I was evil, too.
--- End quote ---
Blaaaah, blaaaah, fingers down throat, blaaaaah blaaaah, gotta spew!!!! Gotta work to get the taste of that one out of my mouth. Know it toooooo well :x
--- Quote ---So, the reality is/was that she pushed me away because she was irresponsible and couldn’t handle taking care of a child. But what I heard, the message I received, was that I was so bad, my own mother didn't want to be with me. Bad because I was my father’s daughter. I had it in me to be evil like him, and every time she criticized me, she was ‘saving’ me from myself. But more often than that, she just didn’t want to be with me – I was just too bad for her to manage. Or, I was so bad, she had to sleep because I was such a burden on her.
Wore her out. :cry: :cry: :cry:
--- End quote ---
Oh my gosh, that gives me an ache for you. I hope I never make my kids feel like that, even for a moment. It's really quite sickening isn't it, to have that type of influence and power over a small innocent child's psyche and life and misuse it so.
I can see that poor little girl you were, struggling for your mother's affection and approval. Gosh, I just want to give her a really big big hug, and tell her she's just perfect the way she is, and that she and her needs are not the problem at all. And that she's not to think she, or anything she is or does, is to, or try to take the blame. And maybe she'd do that, take the blame I mean, just because she loves her mommy so much and sees her mommy as beautiful and perfect.
--- Quote ---So for years, I've been carrying this around and it has affected everything I do, I know that. I think it's even the root cause of my chronic insomnia since I was, gee, oh, 9. For the past couple of weeks, I've actually fallen asleep easily. It's so weird. Fantastic, but weird.
Does that make more sense? :?
--- End quote ---
Isn't that so good, the sleeping bit, oh boy I'm glad. :D :D
:
--- Quote ---D And I want you to keep trusting people here. I want to be here for you when I can -
--- End quote ---
I get what you're saying Wildflower, thankyou so much.
--- Quote ---. Gonna try to actually get to bed at a reasonable hour for once.
--- End quote ---
Oh, I know, it's so true, we human's need our sleep. fuuny how sleep is one of the first things to go when things start getting tough. It's a real sign isn't it.
--- Quote ---P.S. - A hig is a hippo-pig.
--- End quote ---
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Well another big ((HIG)) to you and talk to you later. I'm rounding up my book order to amazon, oh soooo exciting, the list is growing, it'll be like xmas when it comes. :D :D
CG
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