Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
healing
Wildflower:
Gosh I’ve been all over the place in the past few days. Just when you think you’ve got it all figgered out, WHAP, CRASH, WAAAAAAAAAHHHH.
So, I was wondering. When are you gonna setup shop and teach a class in comedy for the emotionally constipated? :D Oh, boy.
Thanks for taking the time to parse through my icky mom stuff, CG.
(((((((CG))))))))
Wildflower
P.S. - Super big thanks for the HIGS. :D :D They're making my cat kinda nervous, but I think he'll be okay. He's super friendly. :D
Anonymous:
Hi Wildflower,
How ya goin'. I read on Rosencrantz's thread that you were feeling a bit blue. I get the best ideas when I'm blue. I write the best letters and reach out to people I've loved and forgotten about then too. So for me, good things come out of being blue, and it ain't so bad.
I was going to tell you something the other day about when or how or why I think I had a bit of unexpected healing take place in me about 3 or 4 years ago. I had a near dear experience. Well, sort of a near death experience. Well, nearly a near death experience. I 'm sort of used to them because I think I have one every time I go out in the car. :D No, No, I tell a lie, it's not me that has them at all when I go out driving, I think it's me who gives them to the other drivers. HAHAHAHHAHAHA :D :
Anyway, before I rudely interrupted myself, I was going to tell you what happened. I had a cancer. A nasty scarey little bugger. And it was found purely coincidentally and by-the-way. That time between finding it and the scan and tests was the greatest reality shift I'd ever had. I really learned what and who was important to me then. I'd had mini reality checks before but nothing like that. They got it (the cancer) all out and I'm fine.
Then I had 2 more life-scares with the following 12 months. Both with my child, once with a serious electrocution which shot out of his hands and feet, and fortunately there was no organ damage. But I had plenty of time to think about what was important when I was sleeping in hospital with him for nearly a week. He had deep holes in hands and feet, and later daily trips to the burns unit and for dressing changes and then skin grafts.
Then within 6 month I nearly lost him from Meningococcal. I slept in isolation with him for just on 5 days while they pumped him full of so much anti-biotics. It took 4 or 5 days alone for his 42 fever to break. I thought he wasn't going to make it. He was 23 Kilo's when that virus hit him, (from playing in one of those bloody indoor playground ballrooms we think) and when he came out of it he was 14 kilo's. He was so emaciated I couldn't eat either.
I bargained with the devil, with God, with the earth spirits, the spirits of my ancestors, you name it. It felt like I was living under a curse at the time, but then I realise I wasn't. And when everything settled down, I realised I didn't give a shit about a whole lot of stuff anymore.
Now it was, "Hey son, are they your toys all over the my nice clean floor, cool baby, can I come and play with you?"
Since then I've thought a fair bit about what's important in my life, in the context of death, dying or losing someone special.
And I think the horrible things that have happened with people in the past (like mother), or people in my present who may keep hurting or trying to manipulate me, seem less and less important and just plain not worthy of my time.
I'm constantly reminded that my real life is only here and now, and spending my life with and on the people I love and care about is the only real game in town. The past is now just a bunch of memories. Even my cat who I bought for my son, gives me so much pleasure. I get more love from that cat in one day, than I got out of my dumb mother in 35 years. Where am I gonna invest my love and energy?
So I've made a lot of changes, slowly. I think before, my memories were driving me to make decisions and go in a direction that, suddenly, I realised I didn't really want to go, or to a place I didn't really want to be.
Now it's my real life, the present and the important, that I try to ensure is responsible for my decisions.
I hope the blues turn out to be a beautiful blue, it's my favourite colour.
((((HIG))))
CG
Anonymous:
PS, :D forgot to add, I was re-reading through your "I don't think I want to dance with you with you anymore thread." That's a good read with a cup of coffee. :D I got a lot out of it, there's a lot of good stuff in there. But I'm mainly thinking about the four agreements Rosencrantz talked about in there and what a good compass they are. That's not what I wanted to tell you but that keeps popping into my mind too???? Curious???? And I can't get the idea back that I had!!! Damn it!!!
I saw a book the other day by the same name (The four agreements) in a book shop. It must be the same?? Anyway, thought I'd throw that in. But that re-reading that thread, in the light of this one, it gave me an idea I wanted to share with you about you and your mum, but now I've lost it again temporarily. Oh well, I'll go back and re-read, loosen the line a bit till it nibbles again then I'll give it a hard yank and reel it in and let you know what it was.
(((HIG)))
CG
Wildflower:
Hi CG,
--- Quote ---Anyway, before I rudely interrupted myself, I was going to tell you what happened. I had a cancer. A nasty scarey little bugger. And it was found purely coincidentally and by-the-way. That time between finding it and the scan and tests was the greatest reality shift I'd ever had. I really learned what and who was important to me then. I'd had mini reality checks before but nothing like that. They got it (the cancer) all out and I'm fine.
--- End quote ---
Was this the tumor in your leg or something else? That must have been so scary that the doctor’s just stumbled upon it. :( Was your husband supportive through it all? Did you have to have all those tough chemo treatments?
--- Quote ---Both with my child, once with a serious electrocution which shot out of his hands and feet, and fortunately there was no organ damage. But I had plenty of time to think about what was important when I was sleeping in hospital with him for nearly a week. He had deep holes in hands and feet, and later daily trips to the burns unit and for dressing changes and then skin grafts.
Then within 6 month I nearly lost him from Meningococcal. I slept in isolation with him for just on 5 days while they pumped him full of so much anti-biotics. It took 4 or 5 days alone for his 42 fever to break. I thought he wasn't going to make it. He was 23 Kilo's when that virus hit him, (from playing in one of those bloody indoor playground ballrooms we think) and when he came out of it he was 14 kilo's. He was so emaciated I couldn't eat either.
--- End quote ---
OMG CG, you must have felt so helpless. :cry: :cry: Two major random events like that (not to mention the skaky bit about your cancer), threatening to take your child. How is he now? Are his burns healed? Is he okay and feeling safe again?
--- Quote ---Now it was, "Hey son, are they your toys all over the my nice clean floor, cool baby, can I come and play with you?"
--- End quote ---
That’s such a beautiful image. Once again, that says it all to me and I have no worries about your mothering skills. I feel it here and I see it in what you write about them. Lucky babies. :D How many are there and how old are they? I'm so sorry if I missed that in an earlier posting.
Thank you so much for sharing your own experiences with a bit of unexpected healing. Is okay to say I feel like I’m going through this same process, but on a tiny scale, right now? Can I do that without minimizing your very real fight with illness and death and the loss of your child? My life was building up and I was feeling more and more human, and then pow – bad news from the mom front, and now I feel as though my life is being threatened, and I’m not sure whether I’m going to pull through or not. Will I get sucked back in (and die) or will I find the strength to pull out of this?
The thing is, this isn’t just a spiritual battle. This is making me physically ill, too. And not just the panic attack I had a month ago. In October, a month after an earlier really bad phone call with mom (just a 7 on the Richter scale in contrast to last month’s 9), I ended up going to the ER at 4AM because I was in so much pain and could barely lift my head off my pillow to roll over or sit up. And I had a numb spot on my thigh that I’d noticed a few days before. The ER doc sent me home with some pain killers and a referral to a neurologist. The neurologist checked out okay, but of course, I was spooked. Then I had some bleeding that I won’t go into here, but that was pretty damn scary, too. Again, everything seemed to be normal at the doctor’s office. So now, duh, I realize it was the stress. And looking back, I see that the stress and pain and feelings I shove down seep out in physical ways. Funny how, as a child, I was always getting sick. :roll:
Still, I can’t help thinking that all this trouble with mom has been given to me as a gift (is that too self-centered?). A gift meant to help me understand what happened when I was little and helpless so that I can finally cut myself loose and kick out the demons. And that’s why I’m trying so hard to take full advantage of this gift while it’s here. Learn from it while I still can.
Last night wasn’t so great at first (thanks for asking), but I think I just really needed to grieve. So many bad memories have been surfacing and I want to put them to rest. So I was washing the dishes (a piece of me thinking of Portia) and reeling from the bit I posted on R’s ‘letter to mom’ thread in an attempt to provide contrast so that R wouldn’t be too hard on herself. Writing it out brought all those feelings to the surface, and tears were streaming down my face because all I could think was “She knew. She knew. And she did nothing.” I feel betrayed. :cry: I was gripping the sink as my thoughts gravitated back to mom. “I’m sorry mom (sobbing now), I’m really so sorry. I wish I could tell you that you broke the chain, but you didn’t, and I’m so sorry for you because of that. You softened the blow, but you didn’t break the chain. I wish I could take all that pain away from you (really sobbing now). If I could take all that pain inside me and squash it for you I would, but I can’t. I really, truly would, but I can’t.”
Suddenly I stopped crying. Tears dried up, pain gone. What? What did I just say?? “If I could take all that pain inside me and squash it for you I would.” If only I could take it all on my shoulders, then it would be my problem, and I could fix this whole mess. It would be my problem, and I’d be able to squash it – because I’m stronger than you and I’ve found a way out. Then we could love each other without all this pain. But I can’t do it. That’s what I’ve been trying to do for so long, but I can’t do it anymore. :cry: :cry:
It’s like Mom’s been bitten by this really poisonous snake, and I’ve been trying so hard to suck the poison out of the wound so she won’t die. Trouble is, there’s too much poison and it’s making me sick, and the poison has already gone into her bloodstream. She needs a doctor, but she’s gotten used to the poison in her system and she won’t go to the hospital. She doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. So what do I do? Sit here and watch her die? It’s all I can do, and it sucks. :cry: :cry:
--- Quote ---And when everything settled down, I realised I didn't give a shit about a whole lot of stuff anymore.
--- End quote ---
Today I sat outside in the sun during lunch and watched the people go by. There was a young man sitting nearby and I was struck by the fact that if I’d been sitting there like that a couple of weeks ago, I’d be thinking about how annoyed this guy must be to sit near me. Surely there must be something about me that would annoy him if he happened to notice me. Please don't notice me. That's so sad and yukky. But today, I sat, and he bobbed in and out of my landscape as I thought, ahhhh. I haven’t a single bad intention, a single bad thought, a single bad anything in me right now. There’s nothing to worry about. And there’s no reason for anyone here to want me to go away. And if they do, it’s not because of me. It’s because of something going on with them. And that’s okay. People have problems. Good days and bad days. Nothing to do with me. So I’m just going to sit here for another five minutes and be nothing but relaxed while I enjoy this spring sun.
I think I’m gonna pull through this. :)
--- Quote ---Oh well, I'll go back and re-read, loosen the line a bit till it nibbles again then I'll give it a hard yank and reel it in and let you know what it was.
--- End quote ---
Maybe I’ll join you and drop in a line and we can chat while waiting for bites and looking for R’s double-rainbows. :D R, Portia, do you guys have fishing poles?
(((((((HIG)))))))
Wildflower
Anonymous:
Hi Wildflower :D I'm doin' your trick and poppin' in while I'm supposed o be workin'. Gosh, I've got so much paperwork, I can't jump over it, so I'm takin' a quick break, haven't got too long, but bugger it, I'm spendin' it with you. Just made myself a half a cuppa too. Still no fags. Yippee. :D
--- Quote ---My life was building up and I was feeling more and more human, and then pow – bad news from the mom front, and now I feel as though my life is being threatened, and I’m not sure whether I’m going to pull through or not. Will I get sucked back in (and die) or will I find the strength to pull out of this?
--- End quote ---
You'll find the strength, I'm sure of it, but so often it's 3 steps forward 2 steps back, isn't it. But in the end it still is solid progress :D :D
--- Quote ---The thing is, this isn’t just a spiritual battle. This is making me physically ill, too. And not just the panic attack I had a month ago. In October, a month after an earlier really bad phone call with mom (just a 7 on the Richter scale in contrast to last month’s 9), I ended up going to the ER at 4AM because I was in so much pain and could barely lift my head off my pillow to roll over or sit up. And I had a numb spot on my thigh that I’d noticed a few days before. The ER doc sent me home with some pain killers and a referral to a neurologist. The neurologist checked out okay, but of course, I was spooked. Then I had some bleeding that I won’t go into here, but that was pretty damn scary, too. Again, everything seemed to be normal at the doctor’s office. So now, duh, I realize it was the stress. And looking back, I see that the stress and pain and feelings I shove down seep out in physical ways. Funny how, as a child, I was always getting sick. :roll:
--- End quote ---
The more you learn about worry and stress the more you learn about the adverse effects on our health. That's why in the end it's often not an option anymore to detach emotionally from certain people! It becomes essential if we are to survive. I remember way back when you first posted we talked about the effects on your health then. You've got to get yourself strong and watch the foods you eat, and yeah, get your sleep. Sleep and eating properly are usually the first to suffer when we're stressed. Funny how stress is signalled to us first by our vitals, huh.
Woops, can't finish at the moment, just got interrupted. Damn.
oops yes I can, they've gone away now :D
--- Quote ---Still, I can’t help thinking that all this trouble with mom has been given to me as a gift (is that too self-centered?). A gift meant to help me understand what happened when I was little and helpless so that I can finally cut myself loose and kick out the demons. And that’s why I’m trying so hard to take full advantage of this gift while it’s here. Learn from it while I still can.
--- End quote ---
Don't ya hate common old cliche's, but the reason they become cliche's is that they are huge truths or paradigms packaged in very neat short sentences. But now on reading this I think of "pressure makes diamonds".
I don't think it's too self-centred, what you said. Because this place here seems to be the appropriate place to be self-centred. Otherwise we're just here being bums on seats, not getting anywhere or dealing with the issues that bought us here, so that we can solve our problems, and hopefully go back out into the big wide real world a bit healthier and more balanced each time. I sure know I didn't come here not to focus on my messed up self, and I have to be self-centred here to do that. :wink: So come on everybody, let's sit here and talk about me for a while. hahahahahahahahahaha.
--- Quote ---It’s like Mom’s been bitten by this really poisonous snake, and I’ve been trying so hard to suck the poison out of the wound so she won’t die. Trouble is, there’s too much poison and it’s making me sick, and the poison has already gone into her bloodstream. She needs a doctor, but she’s gotten used to the poison in her system and she won’t go to the hospital. She doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. So what do I do? Sit here and watch her die? It’s all I can do, and it sucks. :cry: :cry:
--- End quote ---
Damn, another interruption and I was just warming up, and I'm still back in, 'I don't think I want to dance anymore' thread, trying to get that little fish back on the line. But briefly, I see how this can make you sick if you let it inside you. I've read about the effect of stress and abuse on the brain of children. Abused children. It's really quite scary. I know I have some of the effects, particularly in the memory and learning region. Also I've had to rectify some stomach problems. Gotta go, I'll be back asap.
((((HIG))))
CG
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version