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healing
rosencrantz:
--- Quote ---And what a shock, total confusion and extreme anger I had when I learned John hadn't died in Vietnam.
--- End quote ---
When I read that all I could think was - I'd want to kill her. Total, overwhelming, over-the-top rage. But remembering other things you've described from your past, I wouldn't put it past her to be messing you around either.
R
Wildflower:
--- Quote ---Portia wrote: BUT what the hell made her go to the trouble of actually doing all that wrapping up? That must have taken a while?
--- End quote ---
I have to say, CG, I’m with Portia on this one. This was one of (ONE of) the first things I thought when I read your birthday gift story. I’ll add, what made her go through the trouble to think it through?? :evil: In the time it would have taken her to drive anywhere to get you anything that would have been a million times nicer and more caring….she does this??? :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:
--- Quote ---CG wrote: I just remembered something I forgot to add. It's that I never know what to believe with my mother. Some of the ways I've witnessed her screw with people's heads would make your blood shiver.
--- End quote ---
What to believe? Well, from here, the answer seems to be NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. I know that, in the context of John, it would be nice to think that one of the alternate endings is actually true. And maybe that applies to other big question marks you have in your life from the past. But you can never believe her if, as you said, she could be messing with you by suggesting that he’s alive. This reminds me, in a much, much, much milder context, of how crazy it makes me to try to reconcile my mom’s versions of reality – and I actually believe that she means well. It makes me sick to get inside her head.
You got away though. And I hear in your stories that, well, they really need to be told. Again, I completely agree with Portia. Get this poison out of you, and don’t worry about being embarrassed. But I can also imagine how poisonous it could be to re-live these experiences? Whatever works for you, I want to support that.
Wildflower
Anonymous:
Hi Wildflower, Rosencrantz, Portia
Yep, yep, yep. I shake my head too in wonder at the time it must have taken her. It's unbelievable, I know. I have so many similar stories, I won't bother to share. It all gets too boring after a while. Same plot, different victims. Oh, hang it, I will tell you this one. I was about 10 and it's sort of funny.
She loves chinese food, considers herself an expert on anything chinese, amongst other things. She went with a new boyfriend she wanted to impress to a well reviewed chinese restaurant. The food stunk according
to her and so she complained to the owner in her own unique caustic, authoritative, psuedo chinese food expert manner. The owner apparently was uncooperative and wouldn't replace the meals or refund. She calmly and graciously left the restaurant, not wanting to disgrace herself in front of her knew beau.
She came home furious and plotted her revenge which she executed with the precision of a swiss watch 2 weeks later on a Saturday night, the restaurants busiest time. She rounded up a whole bunch of LIVE STRAY CATS by scouring freebies and the local pound. She put them all in hesian sack, and in the middle of dinner time she walked into the restaurant (her girlfriend went along for the laugh) and threw the bag of cats on the counter and asked for the owner. He came out an she accused him of not paying his bill. He didn't know what the hell she was talking about.
She got louder and accused him of trying to do her in. When he got loud she opened the sack and shook it and a bunch of mangey screeching cats flew all over the dining room, and she shouted at him as she and her friend turned and hurried out, "That's the last lot of cats you'll be getting from me."
She came home laughing till her head fell off ( now that's the only part I exagerrated, I swear!)
It's unbelievable isn't it. And I know it sounds like it's made up, but it's not.
The time it took her to co-ordinate this :shock: , and the cats were accumulating in the house for days. :shock: And add to that that I know it really happened.
I agree with Portia, she's nuts and then some some. NPD probably the least of her problems. But an enlightening thought came into my mind today, as a result of reading through the different responses here from you and Rosencrantz and Portia and Write to mother's wrapped present. I saw a movie some time ago, I forget everything except the scene where the guy's been shot and has a bullet lodged near his spine. The doctor says it's to dangerous and there are too many risks associated with attempting to remove it. It's safer to leave it where it is. You'll be fine
and can live a long and happy life with it in there. No problems. So they left the bullet in. You get the picture. I feel the same way. I've think I have usually adopted to leave these cruelties buried and alone and hopefully they won't affect me at all if they are undisturbed???? Only her presence seems to disturb them, so I don't have her around. If that's avoidance, hey, it works for me! :D :D :D
I wrote the story of the wrapping paper, why I don't know??? I think it's your fault Wildflower ((hug)) :D :D :D :D and thankfully in doing that I realised there are too many things like this that she has done to me. If I had to dig around and get them all out I'd never have a life, and I'd look funny cause I'd be full of holes. You know, I'd look like Jim Carrey in The Mask when the gangsters hoot him up and he's full of holes and has a drink and all the water spurts out of him like he's a fountain.
Portia you made a new cliche, you know that old one about being "knee-high to a grasshopper", how about saying "Why I remember back when I was only face-high to a pubis."
Thanks write, but I never thought mother did any of this stuff to help me be either repressed or unrepressed. I don't think she gave me or my presence or welfare a second thought at all. Unlike the peole who you know who shag in front of kids, that have some purpose and seem to have given it some deliberation. But I agree, it's harmful. I won't go back to the commune horror stories. I've done that here.
Thanks so much, you're much appreciated
CG
Portia:
Thanks for the Chinese restaurant story CG. I would’ve laughed but I was too shocked. I guess that’s the delayed Narcissistic Rage in full flow? I wonder how easy it is for ‘them’ to delay like that. Yikes, a warning to all of us. You’ve made me realise that my ex-step-mother was an N too. I had little to do with her but that story sounded like her style and ‘pop!’ into my head it came.
And it explains a lot. I wonder how my half-brother (product of that marriage) is – haven’t heard or seen in 20 years and he was/is an ok bloke. Now his mother would’ve done exactly as yours did in the restaurant. Thanks for the ‘pop!’ moment. Another one recognised, catalogued and labelled: only several million to go. I feel like we’re in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Thanks for the new cliché – I haven’t laughed about that before! P
rosencrantz:
Hi CG - I've sat pondering whether to say what's in my head and I've not got a conclusin to what I'm about to say but here goes...
You've said a couple of times about avoidance and denial being useful. And it if works for you, that's fine. I'm not about to 'tell' you that you shouldn't carry on in that way.
But I'm thinking of my own experience here. There came a point where the pain of it all just wouldn't stay away any longer.
Although my father's death was the final catalyst, the 'knowledge of the pain' had been stealthily coming upon me for several years - just 'seeping' out and into my awareness.
Like you, I wrapped up the right hand side of my brain, my 'preferences' for understanding the world and I bound it with my thinking side, my logical side. And I shut out the feeling side. Feelings (etc) were rigidly bound in a leather belt, a straightjacket, totally rigid so I wouldn't 'know'.
I get a picture of your mother. She was needlessly cruel, stupidly and vengefully cruel. Not specifically directed at you, you were just 'conveniently' available. Mine did her spitefulness 'out of mind', out of anger that I skipped out on her. Whatever she did when I was a child she did because she wanted everything to be 'nice', she wanted to control things so I could be the child she had once been and so she could give me all the things she'd wanted. So I see that it's different so the solutions may be different, too.
But a couple of years ago, a straw broke the camel's back. I slipped again. Me, the rigidly 'in control' person, I completely lost it!!! I just kept on making this terrible noise. Aaaaaagh, aaaaaagh, aaaaaagh. My H got me inside the house and I just carried on. All the pain of all the years. (I suppose that once upon a time they'd lock you away for that!!!) And then a couple of years later another crisis - just sobbing - why am I sobbing in response to my mother??? Then realising more and more.
So, what I'm trying to say is that it's seeping out.
--- Quote ---I'd look funny cause I'd be full of holes
--- End quote ---
Perhaps you're already looking like a collander! So you might as well unbung the whole thing and be in control of it than have it seep out in all sorts of unwelcome places and moments like I did.
I'd have said the same as you once upon a time - sorted, done and dusted. I got on with my life, I was effective, I had my career. I had relationships. I suppose I held my mother in contempt. I shook my head in disbelief at how 'beyond belief' she was.
But what I NOW realise is that all the things I achieved in my life were affected and damaged time and again by all the things that have come up in the past couple of weeks and now been resolved. And at the time I had no idea.
So, it's just a thought to share.
I'm not trying to hide my own anger from myself when I say I think that what you'll be dealing with is the biggest rage this side of Mount Etna!!! And I haven't got the fainest idea how one copes with that!!! I do know that I went through a couple of days last year when I nearly 'lost it' as a full awareness gradually seeped into every pore. But it was worth it for what came next.
Not sure - perhaps you can keep it buckled up forever. But what else is getting buckled up with it?? I'm not suggesting answers, just sharing thoughts...
Take care
R
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