Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
healing
Anonymous:
Nikole, what a lovely recognition of Wildflower, and you sound like you're well on the road to achieving your goal. All we need really are a few lights to mark the way, don't way.
( :D )
CG
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Portia ---
She took out her rage and revenge on your father, on you, didn’t she? Even down to the having sex while you were around. Imagine you were your Dad instead. Now it makes sense....
Oh,….here I go again….connections sparking because I just told myself to imagine that! Ha ha, brain’s off again! It’s like being in a three-dimensional maze on a rollercoaster: up and down those dead-ends, or peeking into corners and finding a dead rabbit to hang onto and take up another route…who killed this rabbit? I demand to know! These rollercoaster mazes can make you as sick as hell but there ‘I’ am at the centre, shouting ‘please come and get me!’
(Don’t ask me who I was channelling then coz I don’t know! I look at the words in amazement. :o Do you want them? Quick, take them off me…)
Hey R your mother is the baby in the example of good mothering in Secunda’s book? Who won’t let Mummy talk to her friend?! :roll:
--- End quote ---
Thanks Portia for the :idea: :idea: :idea: moment. Damn that was a mighty fine connection. I wouldn't have made that one in a million years. Yes, I can 'SEE' it :shock: .
Why did it make me laugh. :shock: That doesn't seem appropriate does it, because it's not funny. I tend to do that though, when I'm schocked or frightened or trying to deal with some crap or another. Find something funny in it. It relieves the presure somehow. I laugh and laugh till my head falls off, and then stop and go to work on the problem.
I think the concept of her shagging in front of me is so close to sexual abuse. I've always had trouble making the connection with certain of her behaviours and linking them to sexual abuse. Although, in one small dark crevice, high in the hills of left brain, the thought lurks that mothers who tell their 6 year old of the value of oral over other forms of sex does consitute some form of sexual abuse. Did you say your mum did the same type of thing to you?
And boy, am I so glad I don't look like her. I'd get rid of all the mirrors if I did. I gotta say Portia, you're channeling scenarios are hilarious, brilliant. Where do they come from??? Have you worked that out???
Thanks for your comments, one more page completed my mystery book.
CG
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: rosencrantz ---
I'm waiting for my mother to come out of the closet with a machine gun, all barrels firing (mixed metaphor?) - rat-at-tat...rat-at-tat...rat-at-tat...
"You can only relate to me," she'll cry.
"How dare you relate to other people.
How dare you get so close.
How dare you not put me at the centre of your universe.
I am so (frightened and) enraged I will destroy you all..." R
--- End quote ---
This made me think. :idea: My mother would love that I'm here dealing with issues that she created and so often talking about her and her antics. Somehow I just 'know' she'd be tickled pink by being talked about. It wouldn't matter to her that she's a 'negative' centre and topic of conversation in this particular part of my universe. She'd still love it.
Sometimes I think I'll add a distorted type of Maunchausen (however it'd spelt) by proxy syndrome to her list of ailments.
And I went to the stoneplant site. I'm a bit of a cacti and succulent 'buff'. I love those plants. They look like seed pods just sitting there, lifeless on top of the soil. But like so many cacti and succulents, hang around for a while and the loveliest flowers appear.
Good thoughts about the full breast empty breast too. Wow :idea: :idea:
Back in my hippie days I read a book which said to have happy calm placid babies you were supposed to let your babies just hang off your tits all day. So I did. My mother was horrified. Embarrassed. Disgusted. She always bragged that why she had such a great bust was because she never breast fed. Thank goodness. I couldn't afford the therapy it would take to get that image out of my mind. YUUK.
Anyway, as I was saying, I used to have a baby latched on 24/7, just feeding whenever, and I loved it. She was right, all that sucking and gravity has had the effect of making my tits look like a pair of razor strops, but hey, who cares! So what if they're 18 inches long and 3 inches wide. They roll up quite nicely and fit neatly into my 34b bra.
CG
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Wildflower ---She certainly seems to have that revenge thing down, no argument here. :roll: Yikes.
What was worthy of revenge in her book? Disagreeing with her? Breathing? The horrible things she did to those step-children....was she getting revenge on them, too?
Just curious...
Sorry...instead of posting yet another, I'm just going to edit this in:
--- Quote ---My mother did a good job of getting me to doubt everything and everyone (including myself) EXCEPT her actions, choices and opinions. I used to think I was crazy because my life was crazy. I don't anymore, not seriously anyway.
I used to try to explain to her, "Just because I don't feel the same way about someone that you do doesn't mean I'm your enemy." She always expected me to like who she liked, and to hate who she hated. Otherwise I was disloyal and deserving of cruel and wicked treatment.
--- End quote ---
This has been sticking to the roof of my mouth for a couple of days. Am I pushing you? I really, truly hope not (but just say the word). Did she get you to doubt yourself by terrorizing you with the thought of revenge? Brainwashing you through fear?
I reeeeeeallly don't want you to feel like you have to answer this if it's too much (if it is, tell me and I'll remove it so you don't feel the need to pick at a bad wound).
Wildflower
--- End quote ---
I missed this question Wildflower, and no it doesn't worry me talking about it. She has to be the centre of attention. That's it. And it's not the centre of attention with others as accessories. It's total attention. She can't share anything. If I used a different brand hair dye or butter to one she "suggested' she'd think I was doing it on purpose. It sounds ridiculous, but I'm using the simplest examples of times she's gone totally nutso at me as an adult, in my own house.
I have a routine, I cook on Saturday afternoons. I love it, and I make a big mess, because I cook most of the weeks meals then and freeze them. Lasagne, quiche, vege pies, lentils etc. She came me to stay once and abused, and I mean abused me for messing up 'my' kitchen. She accused me of trying to 'play' the perfect mother. "Who did I think I kidding?"
She lived with a rich widower guy once who owned a large shopping centre. He had a young son (about 12 or 13) away at boarding school who only came home on holidays. She couldn't stand him coming home, so she made bookings for him at holiday camps. One time he refused to go and kicked up a stink so his dad let him come home instead. Meanwhile, she'd knitted him the boy a lovely jumper :?: :?: And she was so 'loving' to the boy in front of his dad. His dad was completely sucked in, and thrilled at how much she showed 'love' to his motherless son by knitting him a jumper. She never knitted me a bloody jumper. I didn't even know the silly cow could knit that well. Maybe she paid someone to knit it??
Anyway, she buried it (the jumper) in the back yard, and she set it up for the father to 'find' it when he was down the back. He beat the crap out of the boy, because of how 'hurt' my mother was by him 'burying' the jumper. The boy never came home for holidays again while my mother was on the scene. She told me about it later and thought she was fantastic. That poor kid.
So to answer your question. Anything was worthy of her revenge. I could never be sure. You know, she couldn't handle one single feeling of discomfort or not being worshipped. Her relationships only ever last to near the end of the honeymoon phase. Start putting one expectation on her and she turns homicidal. Like let's try a simple, "What's for dinner?" You'll only ask that question once. Cause you'll find out 3 months later that that beautiful dinner she prepared for you the night after, you know the one with that tangy white sauce that you complimented her on, had cat's piss in it. Bloody hell!! So I always had to think hard before saying something simple like, "Isn't it a nice day," if she didn't think it was, or vice versa.
Like she told me that she could never forgive me for making her a grandmother. She hates it! I guess becoming a grandmother made her feel old. It was also her attempting to spoil the moment when my first child was born and to make it all about her somehow.
As if I had a baby for one reason only, to ruin her life and make her feel old. Oh give me a break mother! And hey guess what mother, it wasn't about you at all.
CG
Anonymous:
I'm gonna shutup now, I just looked and that's 4 posts in a row on this thread. Who's voiceless? Not me obviously.
CG
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