Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
healing
rosencrantz:
Go with the flow, CG :wink: go with the flow :lol: I was on a roll there and felt mightily cut off when you stopped!!! :wink:
My mother screwed up my mind because HERS was screwed up but she's a sad person really - not very effective in the wider world and no insight at all. I guess what she's been doing to me as an adult has been her version of revenge but totally self-defeating and hurts herself more than anybody else. And then going totally 'psychotic' when faced with loss. It's rather ironic that, as I get to grips with it all, the worst of her behaviour is probably fading. But at least this time I don't get to think I 'made it all up'. It really happened!!!
But your mother really knew what she was doing and 'intended' it, too. The word 'sick' is tip-toeing off my tongue. But it's still 'just' anger!!!???
My mother wanted to express her anger by wreaking havoc and so did yours. At least I 'did' something to deserve it (ie left home) but you didn't!!! There was no rhyme or reason. Did you make up reasons ('if I were different then...'; 'it's because I did x').
When I was little 'all' mine wanted to do was control me and 'pretended' she was controlling everything else. But your role was as a convenient scapegoat, the one she'd use as a target for creative vengefulness if no-one else was around - ??? Mind you, you were also her confidante. There's some 'sanity' in knowing what she did and how she did it - she gave herself away! She gave you clues so you could 'stop' her mess, stop her messing you up too much!!!???
That just reminded me of some people here on the board who tried to stir things up then said, like, oh thank you for making my mean things 'nice' - as if they had no responsibility over their own actions or for what was happening generally!!! Still don't get it but I see it.
What I see inside you, CG (then, not now) is the little girl transformed by all that horror you saw and experienced into that painting 'The Cry'. Frozen in time. That child needs the biggest and longest hug before she'll ever feel your warmth, let alone look at you. And there's only you who can do it, CG. You've got the capacity - has this already been done in your life - or is it yet to be done???
Take care
R
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: rosencrantz ---
Mind you, you were also her confidante. There's some 'sanity' in knowing what she did and how she did it - she gave herself away! She gave you clues so you could 'stop' her mess, stop her messing you up too much!!!???
R
--- End quote ---
Thanks Rosencrantz, I hadn't thought about this aspect of it clearly before.
I'm a great believer in "The sun is gonna shine tomorrow" attitude. I'm so upbeat 11 months every year. But when I do go down, I sink to depths where I think no man has gone before. (I'm sure I exaggerate on this point, but it's just how it seems at the time.)
But that was an incredibly thought provoking comment of yours, and it crystallised a recurring fleeting image I've tried to harpoon at different times. It was in being her confidante that she shot herself in the foot with me and my children. Hip hip hooray. She never got to harm my kids the way I think she was warming up to. And what she did get away with was so brief and fleeting. The little bit of harm she caused nearly a decade ago, we got over and dealt with in a very unified way as a family.
"There be scorpions." Of course, she couldn't help herself and she created a situation where my children had to be protected from her. Because I know her inside out I was able to recognised it pretty quickly!! And as a result I moved on her and was able to protect them. Thank goodness I never flinched or hesitated. I think I'd been in training for that moment all my life. And boy, did I take her to task, for first time ever.
It was a virgin moment. I was extremely anxious, clumsy and messy. But I was damned effective. My children may have witnessed her insanity and cruelty for abrief moment in their lives, but with me protecting them from her I don't think it has caused any lasting damage. I know they learned something about me then. And I gained some of my power back. There was a shift.
We relate on my terms now, and my terms are as you know "No contact."
Gosh that was insightful of you. I can see now in the light of that experience, how it was actually useful for me to have been her confidante. Otherwise, I may not have intervened so quickly and effectively on my kids behalf. Yes. I think you're spot on.
Your last part about the big hug for the inner child, I don't know. I'm not good in answering accurately in this area. Is it possible that I do that with my kids? I'm very affectionate and attentive with them, does that qualify? Is it possible I do it vicariously through them? Maybe I need to read a book about it.
My husband reckons my kids have a wow of a life because I'm making up to myself, (through them) all the things I missed out on, (food, family, friends, and fun). Since he said this I've tried to be vigilant, and make sure I don't try to live my life through them. Tricky tricky. I don't think I do, and I do try to make sure I'm not forcing them to do something they don't want to do, just because it's something I may have liked to do as a kid. I don't think I have so far, but I'm slightly paranoid about this, so I keep checking on myself in this department.
I've even given my husband and a couple of friends permission to tell me if they observe me doing this. And asked them to tell me if they ever even think they see signs of stress in my kids from me pushing them into something. Nothing has come back yet (touch wood).
Oh my, life does become quite complicated sometimes doesn't it? Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to play 4 pianos at once. But it's worth it when someone clever comes along and does some major untangling of my big ball of string, like you just did. And shows me how something bad got turned around to be something good.
(hug) and thanks
CG
Wildflower:
Is it okay if I bring this back over here? I don’t want clog Dawning’s thread with any of my yucky stuff.
Wow was it great to read your vent fest on that thread. GO CG!!!!!!!!!! It’s simply outrageous isn’t it? That it’s just so damn threatening to be yourself?!? :evil:
--- Quote ---I love the differences in my children. I don't want them to be like me, eat like me, dress like me, think like me. I use your example of the joy of travel and going to interesting places with history, and meeting experiencing different cultures, tasting and enjoying local cuisine.
Why can't some parents embrace the differences in their children and learn and grow themselves from watching their children develop. All children, I believe, are gifted with their own unique personality from conception. What a tragic loss if it's not cultivated and encouraged!!!!!
--- End quote ---
I think you just answered your own question about whether or not you were being a good mother – and why no one’s called you on that request to poke you if your kids start showing signs of stress. You love them, and it shows! And as for hugging that inner child who was terrorized by your mother, if you need any help, just say the word!
Oh, and here's one just for free:
((((((((((((((( C inner child G ))))))))))))))))
--- Quote ---
It's my RIGHT Damn It! But what I really resent is the momentary loss of energy and enthusiasm that I find I'm robbed of when I get trapped in an 'I find you unacceptable' (Dan Akroyd in 'Coneheads') scenario.
--- End quote ---
For the past 36 or so hours I feel like I’ve been muttering "damn it" almost continuously while dancing to blasting music because I WANT TO (damn it), walking proudly and defiantly down the street (damn it), shrugging off this monkey who is my mother breathing down my neck telling me that I’m not fit to be with other humans (damn it), and just in a complete rage at how I didn’t deserve it. DAMN IT!! Just like there was no reason for her to pull the emotional blackmail bit on me a few weeks ago after I’d OFFERED to help, there was no reason to beat me down. What was so bad about me? NOTHING. I’m not saying I was perfect, but there was no reason to treat me that. Period.
And talk about channeling :shock: , I don’t know where that last post directed at my mother came from, but I’ve been reading it over and over, as someone else wrote it for me to understand. I think I’m gonna have to clutter my refrigerator with this one!
Now I've got to get tough with protecting whoever it is who wrote that post. :wink: :shock: :shock: :wink:
Oh, and Portia? I laugh every time I get to the dead rabbit line (who killed this rabbit? must find out) :lol: :lol: :lol:
Wildflower
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Wildflower ---Is it okay if I bring this back over here? I don’t want clog Dawning’s thread with any of my yucky stuff.
Wow was it great to read your vent fest on that thread. GO CG!!!!!!!!!! It’s simply outrageous isn’t it? That it’s just so damn threatening to be yourself?!? :evil:
--- Quote ---
It's my RIGHT Damn It! But what I really resent is the momentary loss of energy and enthusiasm that I find I'm robbed of when I get trapped in an 'I find you unacceptable' (Dan Akroyd in 'Coneheads') scenario.
--- End quote ---
For the past 36 or so hours I feel like I’ve been muttering "damn it" almost continuously while dancing to blasting music because I WANT TO (damn it), walking proudly and defiantly down the street (damn it), shrugging off this monkey who is my mother breathing down my neck telling me that I’m not fit to be with other humans (damn it), and just in a complete rage at how I didn’t deserve it. DAMN IT!! Just like there was no reason for her to pull the emotional blackmail bit on me a few weeks ago after I’d OFFERED to help, there was no reason to beat me down. What was so bad about me? NOTHING. I’m not saying I was perfect, but there was no reason to treat me that. Period.
Wildflower
--- End quote ---
Whooaa!! Go Wildflower!! You are so right, she had no right to treat you like that. Isn't that a good reality to get into? I think that is a 'slow train coming' experience that is emerging for me on horizon. It's hard when
independant thinking was taboo. Not encouraged is too mild. It was taboo.
It reminds me a bit of my attitude to a lot of modern journalism. So often it's - no thinking required , just other people's crap, refried.
"Umm, yum, yes please. Can I have another bowl of your hot steaming crap please mother? Oh I can, goody, you are so good to me."
I guess I'm thinking it's also a bit like never having eaten snails or frogs legs or lizard. I couldn't come at any of that food, no matter which a la carte world famous chef prepared it. But I'm sure if I'd been born into a different culture, where these types of (repulsive to me) foods formed part of my staple diet in the household in which I grew up, then they would hold a tremendous appeal for me.
I read once somewhere, and noted it down in one of my journal's, "When punishment and abuse (in it's many forms) has formed the basis of our first and primary relationship - and that relationship has been vital to our survival - we seek and crave this in our future relationships."
"Gee thanks mum for this love you fostered in me that I have of eating other people's hot steaming crap. You're an angel sweetie, ta. And why aren't you just so proud of me, I'm just like you?"
Maybe that was me, way back on some far distant planet, but not any more, not this little space-traveller. I'm outta that whole freekin' galaxy , and I'm stayin' out!
And there are no shortcuts to mental and /or emotional health. Not for me anyway. I've learnt I had to be prepared to put in the hard yards. I've found it's been vital to invest the time to understand what the real issues are in my life. No point having some superficial grasp on what the issues are, (like so many modern journo's who annoy the crap out of me) and then demand answers!!! Aren't the instant society, full of bullshit solutions and answers, F*#*kin' hopeless.
I remember I read one book written by a lunatic woman years ago who told me codependancy was my problem and that I loved too much. I was an excellent student, and to my horror, much later I realised so much of it was all shit. The only person who got any benefit from that book was the jerk I was married to. I'd like to meet her, that author one day. :evil: :twisted:
Then there's the woman you meet anywhere, maybe your second cousin, maybe your hairdresser, with the perfect life and all the answers.
I'll call her Mrs Couldn't Give A Stuff dressed up as Mrs Caring.
She says, "Oh dear CG, you say you and your mother don't get on, tut tut, what a shame. Daughters shouldn't fight with their mother's, it's not nice. Why don't you try sending her a Christmas card. Mother's mean well you know."
CG says, " Yeah sure, and while I'm at it, why don't I go buy myself a bucket of death adders to keep me warm in bed tonight, you useless peice of ...."
Replies Mrs Couldn't Give A Stuff dressed up as Mrs Caring, "Oh, I'm sure you're exaggerating, she can't be that bad."
CG says, "Well, she used to have oral sex with her boyfriends in front of me when I was only 6 and 7, and she knocked me out once, and she killed my dog, and she fed her cat's balls to her boyfriend once, and she cleaned the dunny with peoples toothbrushes when she was angry with them, that's pretty bad isn't it?"
Says Mrs Couldn't Give A Stuff dressed up as Mrs Caring, "Um, well, oh dear, is that the time, I've gotta go CG and it's beeen nice talking with you."
CG, "Yeah, bye, piss off."
When something has affected me deeply, and then I realise I have made a life of making wrong choices because it's stuffed up my thoughts and feelings, it becomes critical for me to get to the bottom of the real issues driving me. This was what happened when I learned about narcissism and NPD. I'm sure I've over-read and over-researched this and a whole range of issues in my life, but I find for me it's exactly what I need to do if I'm want to conquer or master any subject or problem in my life. There's no other way for me.
So if I'm labouring and going over the same ground with 'mother stories', please bear with me, or else piss off, I don't care! I'm sorting out some serious shit here.
But to you Wildflower I say,
You're great Wildflower,
Go buy those fish (pleeease I wanna be the blonde one),
Turn up that music,
Party with those friends,
Plan that trip,
Shake that touche'
Drink that milk :shock: ?
Thanks so much Wildflower for listening,
CG
PS, what's your cat's name, mine's Tom and he's half balinese.
Wildflower:
--- Quote ---It's hard when independant thinking was taboo. Not encouraged is too mild. It was taboo.
--- End quote ---
This is a thought that has confused me for a long, long time. Mom was always encouraging me to be independent, to think independently. Or, that’s how the story went. That’s what she told me. But she was fighting desperately for her OWN independence by rebelling everything her mother said/did/required – and it was that ‘independence’ that I was allowed. Not my own. Not my own independence to clean the kitchen if I wanted to (who did it hurt??).
Not my own independence to watch the kind of TV shows I wanted. Now, I’m all for a parent guiding their child these days when it comes to watching TV. That’s not what I’m saying. It’s the parent’s job to be responsible and help their child not watch too much TV, and to make sure that they are mature enough to handle what they watch. And maybe that was my mom’s intention, but if she didn’t like what I was watching, she’d ask me in a tone of voice I understood all too well, “Why do you like watching that?” And that would be it. I’d never watch it again. One of those shows was a silly sitcom about a radio station and I really liked one of the characters. The show was stupid, and I knew that on some level. But I’ve seen the show since on cable, and I’m floored by how much that character looks like my good dad. :shock: Duh. THAT’s why I liked watching that show. But it was low-brow and dumb and a bit tacky, and mom didn't approve of such things. And I had lost connection with my good dad to the point where he was just a random collection of strange memories and impulses that didn’t make sense. :cry: So I never watched it again.
But … that’s it. I mean, so much of what my mom did could have made sense if there had been enough positive reinforcement to balance it out. And if I hadn’t continuously been set up for failure? I was never really guided, but boy did I hear about it if I was doing something – anything - wrong.
I believed that, to my core, there was something deeply wrong with me that made me do all these ‘bad’ things. Because that was her message. Given that she was abused herself, she probably didn’t understand how her message came across. How deeply her criticisms affected me. And because she had never been able to protect herself and was constantly fighting for her own survival, she couldn’t understand how my own needs were in no way a threat. She could have watched me and learned from me, but instead, she silenced me.
And she pushed me away because she couldn’t deal with the responsibility of really taking care of a child. This reinforced the monster message, because it said to me that I was so bad, even my own mother couldn’t bear to spend time with me. :cry: :cry: :cry:
And I see now that I probably never would have been able to challenge this deep down belief if I hadn’t pushed myself out into the world in spite of some almost paralyzing fears of what I might discover about myself. At first, I did get a lot of negative feedback, because I was so angry and hurt and defensive. Wounded. But I learned, over time, to change the way I interacted with people – first by watching how others interacted and trying to understand why I didn’t, and then by refining my interactions with the help of a therapist. I never would have guessed that, in doing all this, I would have found myself. Again. And knowing who I am – or at least, knowing more about who I am - has given me the courage and the strength to finally face this poisonous belief – and squash it. Going back into those memories on Friday night, I almost got lost. I almost buckled again (what if I really DID deserve it – poor mom having to put up with me :cry: ). But I had the accumulation of my stories, my islands, my interactions with people in the present, the knowledge of how good it makes me feel to be kind to people whenever I can – I had all these things to tie me to the earth and help me come back out knowing, finally, after all this time, that I DIDN’T DESERVE IT. I AM NOT A MONSTER.
Wildflower
P.S. - CG, I’m coming back to your post. I just had to get this out. :D
P.P.S – Oh, and my cat’s name is Astor, because when I got him, he used to sit funny because of his bad hips from the accident. He looked regal sitting like that. Then I found out that he’s really just a big dumb happy honest affectionate cat. Who stomps. I swear. And I love him to bits for that. :D :D :D
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